2 day count down to surgery..

-I shall pass through this life but once. Any good therefore that I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again.-
Etienne de Grellet


Well while this is my first post, I opted to just start from this day and move forward... I have been spending some time reading about other Endo sufferers and pain they are enduring. Turns out, lots of women out there are suffering.. and they are suffering in silence & alone. It's bad enough that this disease claims not only our dignity, relationships, health, quality of life and whatever else it feels like ravaging, but it also has to make us feel so deeply alone & suffering in pain. I ask does it really have to be like this? We should all be joining together (much like Susan Koman (spling?) and her cancer), we should be fighting through this together.. Note to self after surgery: Start local support group for Endo sufferers.

The pain is killing me today. It seems like the last 2 weeks have been constant pain and suffering. Like my body has decided ok surgery time, I can let go now. Maybe it was in my head? Maybe I knew the surgery was now scheduled and paid for, so I stopped fighting. I don't know what it is, but the pain is awful. I cant get over the overwhelming nausea and pain I am having today. I feel like someone is stabbing a knife in my lower left side of my body, and somehow the thermostat on my body is completely jank and broke. Top it off, I am bleeding like someone cut a hole in my stomach, and forgot to cork it. Awesome. I cant stop sweating, get flushed and than BAM feel dizzy... Last night I woke up in a pile of my own sweat. Awesome.. Whats next vomit?

Tomorrow begins the prep for my laproscopy surgery on Thursday. Scared to death, not so much of the surgery but of what they will find. Eager but scared. Doctor thinks I have lesions/adhesion in my bowels/colon/other organs that you know, need to survive, and that he needs to remove them. Sweet go for it... fuck, get this shit outta me! I have suffered long enough. I think the part that makes me more nervous than anything, is the fact I dont know what I will be dealing with, till I wake up. Awesome. Like after my 2 cornea surgeries, I woke up and said "Sweet I can see!". I think this one I will be waking up wondering how many cuts and new scars I will have in my body. Note to self: Schedule tattoo with bestie.

Fuck... Nothing in my body wants to have this surgery but everything in my body does... VERY conflicting feeling... Also quitting smoking as of walking into the hospital on Thursday. What better time than now. Smokes, it's been 11 years. Been a good run but you are toxic. Not only that, but you stink. Note to self: Buy new perfume.

Okay.. off to google some more about other endo & auto-immune disease sufferers. That or I am headed home from work is this stabbing pain doesn't subside.