Monday, July 23, 2012

New life ahead...

Well I cant say the last week has been an easy one.... but it for sure has been eye opening. Ever since my therapist diagnosed me with ADHD, it has been an eye opening experience to say the least. I have been reading a book he recommended titled Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder. To which this is the updated version, and I have to say it's been like WOW THIS IS ME!!!!! LOL ironically enough, all the other ADD books were over-due from the library and needing to be returned. That made me and my boyfriend chuckle. I am half way through the book, and I cant put it down, it's like reading a book about your self.... It's weird and eye opening.

Tried to go out downtown Saturday night. It started as an innocent friendly night, and than the anxiety started and people started to corner me about my ex-husband and also my ex-best friend whom I just moved out from after 3 months because she is so toxic (another story for another post), and I felt completely trapped. Why these people couldn't call me or contact me, they had to wait until I was intoxicated at a bar is beyond me. Anyways, so I popped a zanex (great idea with drinking ) to alleviate the anxiety, and started to drink heavily... Came home with boyfriend and cue a complete and utter panic attack. It was horrible. I borderline wanted him to take me to the ER, it was one of the worst ones I have had in a long time. Than I decided, and told myself I am done, I am not feeling like this. Told my guy to go upstairs and go to sleep, I would be up soon. Woke up the next day exhausted.... and did absolutely nothing because i was exhausted from the panic attack. I hated the feeling. One day being so productive and the next day nothing....No more bars for me. It's to much for anxiety and it makes me spiral out of control...

Which brings another point. Friends.. Turns out, I will probably lose most of my friends because they were attracted to the ADHD girl, the hyper, fun loving and thrill chasing party animal. Not sure how this venture will go, but I know it is going to be a long one..

Okay lost attention. Bored. Time to end. Doctor appointment this afternoon to begin Ritalin medication.

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Clutter.. Friend for 33 years, now a Foe.

Growing up a kid, this resembled my room on a GOOD day ater cleaning.

I remember once I was to take home the pet gerbil for the weekend, who escaped and because my closet was so damn cluttered, he was never to be found again, till 1 year later.. No joke. In fact if my room looked like this, I think my mom would be stoked. I remember my closet was always pouring out of the seems with clothes, and I never really cared because I felt comfortable, and never understood why. When things were neat and tidy, it made me uncomfortable and I felt alone. I use to sleep with at least 15 stuffed animals on my bed, in fact often I would lose my cat in my closet. Again no joke.

Fast forward to college (it's college, who is clean in college?) and than my first marriage. He was never around, so I was free to live in clutter all I wanted and I LOVED it. Every time I cleaned up, my sister and mom would always comment about my house and how I thought it was clean and it wasn't. Fast forward to my second marriage he ALWAYS yelled at me for picking my shit up, and always thought our house was so stale and plain. I hated how he never would put up anything sentimental or touching in the house, me I was brimming at the seams to make the house a home.

And here we are now.. Present time. I got diagnosed with ADHD this week, and the world has become an open book to me. I have been reading and researching on what ADHD (severe as I am) traits look like and suddenly my traits and life, things I always wanted to control but cant are starting to make sense.

Take my office life for example, every time I try and clean it, everyone always says it looks cluttered....

No joke during my busy time, this is usually what my office looked like, but I can tell you I knew 100% where everything was at. HOWEVER in learning this week, I realize (as my boss has been saying) that EVERYTHING I do effects who I am at work. So today, as much as it hurt and created anxiety, I am taking home any knickknacks or objects not related, I cleaned out my keyboard for the first time in 7 years (no joke) and got anything not work related put away.... It was hard at first, but honestly, the anxiety subsided and I feel this weird sense of calm and open space. It's weird.  I cant even tell you how many times people have yelled at me for the following....

Want to know what it feels like to be in a mind of a person of ADHD? Read on.

Adult ADHD and Clutter:Tips to Conquer
Posted In: Health & Wellness : 1/30/2012

Clutter and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)! Two words that do not really pair well together.

Life is so busy and many things often just can’t get done, and before you know it you have clutter throughout.
“The problem is that internal mental clutter becomes external physical clutter,” explains Jane Massengill, LCSW, a certified master ADHD coach in Danville, Calif. “Adults with ADHD need to learn how get out of their heads and focus on the here and now.”

So how do you deal with clutter especially if you have ADHD? Let’s take a look a some ways that can help.

Chore Chaos – When you have ADHD, the solution to successfully accomplishing these tasks is a combination of a day planner, calendar, sticky notes, and notes to self. Write down and schedule each errand or chore for a specific time period during your day.

Laundry Labors- Wet laundry left in the washing machine, or loads of dry clothes that need to be folded…sound familiar?” The solution is to finish what you start before going on to something else,” Massengill says. “Place your attention in the present time and break down your day into small one-thing-at-a-time bites.”

Cooking Calamities – Have you ever put a pot on the stove and left really quick to go do something else and then you smell that burning pot? Focus on one thing at a time. Practicing time management strategies can help you overcome these ADHA symptoms and keep you focused. “Every adult with ADHD can benefit from setting a time limit for a task,” advises Massengill. If you want to take 10
minutes for an e-mail or phone call, set a timer.

Cleaning up the house clutter – “It can help to think of attention like a flashlight beam, and bring that beam into focus on the task at hand,” cites Massengill. Figure out how long your house cleaning takes, plan for that amount of time, and then focus on it until you’re finished.

Streamlined Shopping - Have you ever come home with things you don’t really need? Adding to your clutter, and then have to go back to the store for the one thing you went shopping for in the first place? Try this ADHD tip to shop successfully: Make a list before you go, take cash only, bring a calculator so you can keep a running total, and stay out of stores where you tend to spend extra money.

Digging out your desk – ADHD disorganization can lead to a cluttered desk. “Think color coding,” Massengill suggests. “You need to develop a basic organizational system. If not color coding, try big bins to separate and conquer paperwork.”

Cluttered mind - “When your head starts to feel fuzzy, you are probably in the future or the past and not the present,” Massengill says. “When that happens, it’s time to slow down, take some deep breaths, and focus. You need to decide what to keep and what to let go of inside your mind and outside in the world around you. Clutter is physical and mental. Take care of the mental, and the physical will follow.”

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Funny how once you realize something, you are able to recognize it in your life... I cant believe how much ADHD is running my life.. my thoughts.. my actions.... Today as I sit and wait for 5:00 to role around, it's driving me INSANE! I have always wondered why, but now I know I why.. Every second that itches by drive me insane. I can always make it till 3:30ish/4:00ish but man the last hour is murder to me.. I try and think of ways to make the time go by faster, and its complete hell... My brain just runs amuck... Hmmm wonder if any correlation to why I always awake at 3:27am from "sleep" (LOL) if you can call it that.... I work 2-6am till always 3:30sih.. Its so weird... My skin feels like it's crawling, my body is sweating and I feel like every second that goes by is complete and utter torture to me.. Now image going through this EVERY day.....

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Promise Myself

No sleep for ADHD brains!

Least I now know why I cant fucking sleep. I am lucky if I sleep 4 hours in a night, and for some fucked up reason, I always awake at 3:27am. It's the weirdest god damn thing. Than I lay there and think and think and think.. Least I now know why.... ADHD MONSTER!!!! Makes sense, I can't sleep because my mind is racing.. God 33 years of my life, and I am lucky if I sleep an average of 4 hrs a night, sometimes 2hrs is the average. Amazing how I can even function. But the counselor told me I am a functioning ADHD person, which is even scary... Man, the concept to sleep is foreign to me... I took ambien for 4+ years, and I got sick of the scariness of not remembering some things. And to be honest the drug started to scare me, so I weaned myself off of it, I decided that it was better off to not sleep, than "fake" sleep on those gnarly drugs.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Crazy thing called life

So much has happened, I don't even know where to start.... So I will start here.

Today my therapist after weeks of appointments diagnosed me with ADHD... and it seems as though the last few decades of my life, all seem to make sense now. It's amazing how I managed to survive with the higher education.. I should of been a statistic, I should of been a drop-out.. But somehow I managed to not only get one degree, but 2.

I decided based on past patterns and well life... A life of addictions, failed marriages and broken friendships, I am SICK of living my life this way. It's exhausting and I went off this ride, so I decided to seek counseling, and I have to say it's been the best idea of my life..... Have an appointment with my primary doctor next week, since it's a controlled substance (the treatment) I need to see them.

Still trying to process this whole thing. It's scary and exciting at the same time... Here's a new beginning. Doc suggested I read Driven Distraction New Recognizing Attention. I am going to pick up a copy tonight, I am eager, scared and excited to try and relearn life... It has been such a struggle, and quite frankly I am exhausted. He said I am a very extreme case, given the severity of my ADHD and that I can function.. The hardest kind.

Well back to work.... Going to start posting again.... I feel its a good and positive outlet for me.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

oooo mannnn

Oh man. I don't even know where to start..... Getting divorced, moved out of my house and my busy time of work has started. For about a month I was going through some serious, serious mental and physical aliments from the divorce... So instead of blabbing on about them, I will just pick up from here and move forward.

Considering everything, I am doing okay. Working 11-12 hour days, and last week my doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication. The stress of work, life and the divorce was literally killing me from the anxiety. My heart rate was tripled, my blood pressure was skyrocketed and I was sleeping less than 4 hours if I was lucky a night. I hit a wall. Big time. So now I am taking Zoloft to get me through next few months, and have some zanax to take at night. So far, every day I feel better and better.....

Side note. Some interesting articles came out today I thought I would share....

Inhalable caffeine. REALLY?
Choosing Gluten-Free. WHY?!?