Tears in yoga

Yoga, an ancient but perfect science, deals with the evolution of humanity. This evolution includes all aspects of one's being, from bodily health to self realization. Yoga means union - the union of body with consciousness and consciousness with the soul. Yoga cultivates the ways of maintaining a balanced attitude in day to day life and endows skill in the performance of one's actions.

B.K.S. Iyengar

See for me, this is an amazing thing. Miss P has this way of just bringing out the inner ability to just let gggggggggooooooooooo of whatever the fuck is holding on to you... I love her class, and she is an amazing instructor. I don't know what it is about her class, but something with her flows, rhythm and the way she teaches, I usually end up in relaxation pose, and tears start streaming down my face. See for me, this is an amazing thing.. It isn't tears of sadness, or pain, they are tears of letting go and I love it!!! See yoga for me is amazing.. The ability for me to let go, and stop holding on t the hurt, and the pain. It's so incredibly healing and I need to get my ass back to practicing 4+ times a week.

On another note... Yoga for me means no pain for an hour. I know these crazy to the average person, but to me, I live with chronic pain every day... Every day is different and it all depends on life events & how my bitchy ass immune system is feeling on that given day. Every day is different. I wake up every morning and feel my different body parts, and do a little assessment of how things feel... It's crazy, but it something I have to do EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.... Yoga for me is an hour without pain. One hour... whenever I practice without pain! It's such an awesome thing. I tell my hubbie this and he smirks, in a loving way knowing how awesome that is for me, but he also doesn't understand... I don't feel my gums bleeding or cut up like Freddie (that's going off the Methrodolizone and figuring out if I can survive without it) or my bladder doesn't feel like a burning razor.. My head doesn't hurt.. My eyes feel free & painless. It's such an AMAZING experience. I am so thankful that I found yoga and allowed myself to experience it.. live it and breath in the experience of yoga. I am so thankful that I have something I can do and not experience pain.  Words cannot describe it.. I would like them to.. but they cannot other than thankful. I am thankful that through all the shit & pain I have been through, I can find something to balance me.... and it's awesome!

Mondays are not FUNDAYS!

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  ~Author Unknown
First off, I want to take a moment to send my thoughts and prayers over to my co-worker who lost his brother yesterday. He suffered a heart attack and was flat-lined for 24mins on Thursday evening, and they pulled him off life supports yesterday. It is his only family (no aunt, uncles, cousins or parents) and I cant imagine the pain he is in. RIP.

Today just isn't a good day for me, but I don't think I will have many with it being 3 weeks away to the end busy season, and us being short-staffed. All ready working 70 hours, and now with co-worker being gone we are short staffed and having to work more hours.. Which I didn't think was possible. I didn't work yesterday afternoon, as I thought I was going to spend some time with my husband. Turns out he was on his computer all afternoon and evening. Thanks hubbie. Still angry about this one. Anyways, I had to take my chemo meds yesterday evening, which is never fun and always makes for a pretty rough Monday. I am pretty exhausted and I don't think any amount of sleep or rest would heal me, I just think I need busy season to come to a close. My pelvic area is reeling with pain this morning and I am spotting pretty bad. Seems as though it might partially be triggered by stress, but honestly at this point I am so fucking exhausted who knows. I might have to ice it here in a bit. Time for Jillian at lunch, as it's Monday and my day to go home and let out our dog. I am just so drained, that it's hard to be motivated about much these days...

Side note. In effort to read labels more, which I have been. My favorite Gluten-Free English muffins I found out why THEY ARE AWFUL FOR YOU!!!  I read the label, 110 calories. Meh not bad. Than I read the serving size 1/2 A PIECE!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! 440 calories in a one GF English muffin? Ya sooooooooooooooo not happening.  I for one week a few weeks ago ate these every damn day! *GULP* I did however find these Udi's Gluten Free Muffins at Whole Foods yesterday. Not bad at 200ish calories, and surprising yummy! I love Udi's. THANK You for existing. Just have to watch the calories in some of there products as they can reach over 300 sometimes.. However, these muffins are a welcomed new food for me to eat and the price isn't to bad...

Rip it out..

It's all relative.. and to me it's INCREDIBLY relative today!!!!

Days like today.. Where I feel like I am going to pee my pants, my stomach is all fucked up and I generally hurt make me want to just rip out my fucking uterus. I have an AMAZING day ahead of me..a modeling gig and than I am volunteering my time for a local charity event, and I am so excited. I just feel like death.. I hurt everywhere... I try and hide the pain, because I have to... and I know (and hope) it will subside in any given hour or time... But I am just sick of it.. i think of the struggles I got through every day, and the meds I take and I wonder can I really even have kids.... I don't know... Today is just an incredibly hard day... I am a positive person, and I will move forward & onward like I always do... plus my period is going to start this weekend which ALWAYS makes all my symptoms flare... Makes all my wires in my body go completely haywire... I am hoping a day of getting my hair done, modeling & volunteering my time with wash away the pain for the day... *sigh*

yo yo

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

Smoke-free- I don't count in days anymore... 95% of the time I am, win.

So where to start....

Monday was my doctors appt with my surgeon who took all the blood work from me in the week prior to try and see if I had a blood clotting disease or disorder. Guess what?!? They all came back normal of course. Than the doc informed me that i needed a hysterectomy, or my pain wouldn't subside. Than he informed me that I was allowing mother nature to decide for me if I wanted to have kids or not?!? WTF? seriously.. Dude I am 31. I am not 41. Pissed me off a little. So I gathered my thoughts and politely put the knife that was stabbed in my heart back into the place it came from, and asked him about pain management. Would he oblige me in pain management for the next little while... until I could figure out a plan... He agreed... Asked if I needed more meds. I was like JESUS!!! no!! (He gave me 60 Darvocet and 25 Valium + an extra prescription 4 weeks ago.. IF I had taken all that. Holy crap I wouldn't even be functional!!!!)

I am so fucking sick of people pressuring me with children. I am so sick at having to make this decision at 31 if I want to have kids, should I have them now and if not, do I yank out the one womanly right that us women have?!? Well besides the awful periods... which I honestly don't know if I would still have those.... hmmmm. Still ovaries but no uterus. Where would that leave me!?!? Again, MORE fucking questions. I am so sick of questions.. So sick of being sick... So annoyed with women who think getting pregnant is the end all of end all, and somehow because I don't know if I can give birth, that somehow converts into the fact that  I don't want to have children... Somehow I find myself plagued by the bitterness of these omwne who "judge" me when they met me and are puzzled why I don't have kids.. Goes to show you, that you NEVER know the battle someone is facing, so you should always respect their privacy AND smile. It could just make their day!!!

So far now my hubbie and I have agreed to take it one day at a time and not worry about kids for now. Whatever happens happen, and Right now kids or ripping out my uterus (dude its a BODY ORGAN) isn't happening. Trying to enjoy each other and the time we do have. Enjoy life. Enjoy everything we can down to the simple things... I am going try and regain my strength and stamina as quickly as I can without hurting myself... Sure I still hurt. Sure I wish the pain would go away. Sure I wish the surgery fixed everything. But it's here to stay, all I can do is adjust and no it didn't fix anything... So for now. Live. Laugh. Love.

What a weekend....

What does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

Smoke-Free days-0

I fell off the wagon this weekend on Sunday.... I completely feel apart...My husband and I spent 7 hrs discussing us and how we need to make it through this right now. We have been through sooooooooooooooooooooo much and right now we need to focus on "us" and "selfs". Part of that entails me healing my soul in the health traumas that I have had to deal with my whole life. In part of this healing is education & finding support out there. I am working on starting a Pelvic Pain Support group, in hopes of not only connecting with other sufferers but also in hope of not being alone anymore with the pain. In addition, I am seeking out the help of a therapist. i think it is time for me to work through the pain and scars I have received from all the health issues over last 15+ years. Plus today I got get my blood work drawn for the blood clotting disorders, find out next week..  I think I need to "grief" and so does my husband for the potential life which we planned, not working out the way we wanted. Sure their is adoption, and sure there is other choices. However, we have to grief and get through his together. Because it is only going to get harder, not easier. We have been through so much, and it cant all be for nothing. We have to be in this together, as one... So today, we start working on "us" and selfs.

Yes I failed and bought a pack of smokes... Should I have. No. I feel like I got ran over by a bus today, which is all to be expected given the fact I smoked. I feel awful and ashamed, but the only thing I can do is hold my chin up, and keep moving forward. I have no desire to be a smoker again, and I dont want to.... For one my body cant handle it and for two it's gross!!!!!

I would go over how I feel today. But between the combo of opening a giant wound with my marriage, getting blood work drawn today and meds I take weekly (took last night) I feel like a complete zombie & I hurt everywhere... Stress triggers my pain, and last night, I couldn't even move. My husband and I ended up laying ont he couch, and he just held me while I slept. it was nice.

Welp off to work and to find a suitable meeting place for the meeting. I plan on going around to all the OB/GYNs and women's clinics in the area. Thinking meeting in Nov would be enough ample time...

2 day count down to surgery..

-I shall pass through this life but once. Any good therefore that I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again.-
Etienne de Grellet


Well while this is my first post, I opted to just start from this day and move forward... I have been spending some time reading about other Endo sufferers and pain they are enduring. Turns out, lots of women out there are suffering.. and they are suffering in silence & alone. It's bad enough that this disease claims not only our dignity, relationships, health, quality of life and whatever else it feels like ravaging, but it also has to make us feel so deeply alone & suffering in pain. I ask does it really have to be like this? We should all be joining together (much like Susan Koman (spling?) and her cancer), we should be fighting through this together.. Note to self after surgery: Start local support group for Endo sufferers.

The pain is killing me today. It seems like the last 2 weeks have been constant pain and suffering. Like my body has decided ok surgery time, I can let go now. Maybe it was in my head? Maybe I knew the surgery was now scheduled and paid for, so I stopped fighting. I don't know what it is, but the pain is awful. I cant get over the overwhelming nausea and pain I am having today. I feel like someone is stabbing a knife in my lower left side of my body, and somehow the thermostat on my body is completely jank and broke. Top it off, I am bleeding like someone cut a hole in my stomach, and forgot to cork it. Awesome. I cant stop sweating, get flushed and than BAM feel dizzy... Last night I woke up in a pile of my own sweat. Awesome.. Whats next vomit?

Tomorrow begins the prep for my laproscopy surgery on Thursday. Scared to death, not so much of the surgery but of what they will find. Eager but scared. Doctor thinks I have lesions/adhesion in my bowels/colon/other organs that you know, need to survive, and that he needs to remove them. Sweet go for it... fuck, get this shit outta me! I have suffered long enough. I think the part that makes me more nervous than anything, is the fact I dont know what I will be dealing with, till I wake up. Awesome. Like after my 2 cornea surgeries, I woke up and said "Sweet I can see!". I think this one I will be waking up wondering how many cuts and new scars I will have in my body. Note to self: Schedule tattoo with bestie.

Fuck... Nothing in my body wants to have this surgery but everything in my body does... VERY conflicting feeling... Also quitting smoking as of walking into the hospital on Thursday. What better time than now. Smokes, it's been 11 years. Been a good run but you are toxic. Not only that, but you stink. Note to self: Buy new perfume.

Okay.. off to google some more about other endo & auto-immune disease sufferers. That or I am headed home from work is this stabbing pain doesn't subside.