Tuesday, September 28, 2010

OMFG am I bleeding to death?!?

Fear is only fear when you let it manifest in you. Otherwise, it's nothing.
-Me-

Smoke-Free-12 days (all though my hubbie says 13) Sure WTF not... Let's give it an extra day.

I have this smell in my house. I can't get rid of it. it is either the smell of someone who is dying, something did dye and I just haven't found it yet, or my cat. Yes my cat. He stinks. Slutty and stinky. What a combo. Anyways, there is this smell in our house since I quit smoking..I even smell it when I hug my best friend.. In her house.. It's clearly me.  It makes me want to gag. Its stuck in my nose and wont get out. Every time I smell it i throw up in my mouth a little. Sometimes I ask hubbie "Dude tell me you have to smell that?!?" 1/10 times, there happens to be a time when he smells it. However I think this is purely because its a co-winky-e-dink and so happens at that given time something is our house smells like death. I must find this smell. I slowly every day for the last all most 2 weeks, well maybe more a week since I couldn't do anything but watch Law & Order (yes ALL the Law and Orders. SVU, Criminal Intent and the good old pain just Law and Order. Which department are they in anyways?)

Sometimes I wonder, if the smell of death is actually because of how sick I am truly am. Am I in denial? I don't get it. Than I find myself pondering during the umpteenth time on the toilet that day. "Surely this can't be normal?" and than "Does the average person dealing with a toilet that looks like Bama Tide just became my new favorite team. This CANNOT be normal. The bathroom full of medications says it isn't, yet I only officaly have 2 diseases I can name I actually have.. Oooo wait 3. I have my new one.. All though I had to nickname this is one. Edna. No way in hell I can pronounce it let alone spell it or explain it to others..... Just call me one of a kind ;-) LOL

Usually when the pain, or the sure guilt of someone saying "That's not normal, you need to go see a doctor." gets to me, I see a doctor. Now, obviously based on the tests and reactions of doctors, this can't be.. So than tests, treatment, surgery, more treatment and mysteries occur. Cycle repeat. Sometimes if I a lucky, the cycle repeats in a year. Sometimes 2 years. Where was I going with this? Oh ya. Being sick. See to me being "sick" means I have a flu or a cold. Which oddly and rarely enough, I very so often get one. That or the pains are so overpowering of the flu, I barely notice it.. Except stomach flu, THAT one I notice lol I don't think of myself as sick. Everyone else does, but I don't. I just see it as a way of life. It is who I am. My friend once told me, "God only gives you what you can handle". Well what the fuck, I must be one strong ass woman!!!!



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