Binge Eating?!?

So Cinco De Mayo was yesterday :-) Hubbie took me to this Peruvian/Mexican restaurant and we sipped on our $12 margaritas (which BTW are totally worth it) and I ordered chicken with green sauce stuffed in corn tortillas. I was good. I even took the Jack Cheese off the top of the tacos. The dinner was delicious and good for me, so it didn't make me feel like I wanted to die!!! We had a fun night of drinking margaritas with friends and we all ended up sharing a cab ride home. Here is where I go wrong. We get home, and hubbie passes out in bed, I decide I am hungry (which we eat at 6:00, and it was 1:00am so I really could be hungry) and be good and make rice pasta with Italian dressing. HOWEVER I had taken an ambien without thinking, and BAM there goes my rationale. I awoke this morning on the couch at 5am (sucks) and in front of me was a thing of dairy-free sour cream and some red sauce (not suppose to eat tomatoes remember) and I distinctly remember smelling chips. WTF had I done?!? But I slipped into bed, and got another hour of sleep hoping hubbie didn't realize that I had passed out on the couch. I awoke in the morning and looked at what food remains had been left around to figure out what I eat. See Ambien completely kills my memory. My husband hates it, and so do I. Normally when I take it, I just try to lay down, and not move for this exact reason. You become a walking zombie with no rationale brain function and if you stay awake through ambien, than you literally become unable to control your actions. Your brain is asleep.

From looking at the trash can, I see I ate the following. Rice Pasta (started healthy), a bag of Lays Sour Cream chips (which delicious I CAN'T EAT POTATOES!!! and something with sour cream and pizza sauce. Noooooooooooooooo clue wtf that was. I hate hate hate hate when I do this. Not only do I feel like complete shit the next day, but mentally I beat the shit out of myself. I bust my ass to stay in the shape I am and take care of myself, so it killlllllllllllllllllls me when I do this. I wake up the next morning feeling so ashamed of myself. So disgusted in myself. I hate it. It's embarrassing. I use to tell my hubbie when I did this, but I try so hard not to anymore, that I hide it to myself. 95% of the time I eat so well and watch my food intake because it makes me so fucking sick, but that 5% man I fall off the wagon and I fall bad. Lately it only happen about once a week. I need to just sit my ass down in bed or on the couch and not move at night. I have curbed the late night eating I use to (during busy season, I would eat every night around 11pm which I KNOW isn't and wasn't good for me). Being so limited on what I can eat, really fucks with your head. I don't think people understand how hard it is sometimes. I think Ambien totally makes me lose my sense of willpower. I know I am not suppose to eat chips, I know I can't eat cheese (which BTW I totally need to throw out of the house. I clearly have ZERO willpower) but I still do it. It's hard to tell yourself NO all the time.... *sigh*