Eat like shit.. Feel like shit..

Go figure.. I will be the first to admit. After Labor Day weekend, I felt "ok" after eating the crap food (for me anyways) all weekend, and mildly felt like I was getting away with assault... So I took a few days off, and than football happened this weekend. I ate a cheese nip here, and some there.. Than I ate some cheese. And while I didn't feel great, I could still function the next day. Ate me some taco bell and Jack in the Box this weekend... wondering when I was going to get caught for murder.. and guess what?!? DNA busted me. I feel like complete crap. The last two weeks of "spoiling" myself is FINALLY catching up to me. I knew at some point the amount of food (more like the type) was going to get me.... I KNEW it would happen.. But somehow I kept pushing the limits and eating just one more bite. To be honest with you, when a certain food makes you sick the next day or for weeks later, it isn't like a food allergy where it's an instant pain, and something you have to deal with right away.. It's a complete and total mental game. Oooooooooooo can I get away with this?!?!? I CAN! Well than let's eat more... It's crazy. I guess in some ways it's like a mild eating disorder.. the fear of foods. Sometimes I find myself sneaking cheese nips (note to self throw the fuck away) hiding behind the pantry so my hubbie doesn't see me... *sigh* It's a CONSTANT battle, and it isn't something that is like a diet "Oh I broke it, I can go back" or an food allergy "like me and pineapple"..... It is something that you have to fight with EVERY damn day and to be honest it's freaking exhausting.

Here is how I feel after eating "bad food" for 2 weeks (i.e cheese and some wheat.. LITTLE)
My stomach goes back and forth between constipated, cramping & MASSIVE loose stools
My nose is so freaking congested I can barely breath
My eyes burn like crazy
I am exhausted
Grumpy
Moody
Feel bloated
No way I can plan anything around my stomach
No sleep cycle
No sex drive
and I am CONSTANTLY worried about WHEN the day is going to come when the food I ate will come back like a veneage.... It's like being a fugitive and constantly running...

Weekend of Gluttony

Sooooooooooooo worth it let me start off by saying.. But holy shit I am paying for it today. We went on vacation for Labor Day weekend. We started by staying with family, went to a football game, and than headed to the coast with some friends. I had fully intended on sticking to my food restrictions all weekend, and than Saturday came.. I had eaten some yogurt thinking I would eat later.. no biggy. However at the tailgater, since I am the once who plans them all, I rarely find time to breath let along eat.. So I just drank beer. Meh whatever, happens. Hubbie drove to the beach and by the time we got there it was well past 5:00 and my beer & yogurt was deeply wearing off. Buddy of ours ordered some pizza, and I said fuck it, I am eating since I was near fainting and running on empty. I peeled off the red meat (wasn't ready to gamble with this) and just eat the pizza and left over yumminess remaining from the pepperoni juice!!! Ended up going to a friends bar, and I sort of stuck to my food restrictions (being still concerned over the pizza I ate earlier) and I ate a chicken salad with homemade blue cheese. Yummy! Day #3. At beach with friends, stuck to restrictions mostly for the day.. Than dinner came.

Crab Sammie

HOW could I resist that?!? It was a grilled crab sammie with dill salmon and a salad. I said screw it, and ate the deliciousness. Sometimes it just gets old trying to keep my body happy... and I was with dear friends of mine, and knew that they would support me in whatever. aka NOT be food police!!!!  Hoping that my stomach would hold out through the night & into tomorrow so we could drive home. Than came breakfast the next day.... Limited choices.. So I got a cheese & onion omelet with a small biscuit on the side (I only ate once piece.. the top)... Made it home & somehow my stomach & body was still holding up. So I said screw it one more time, it's vacation & I devoured some pizza rolls (without meat), cheese nips & made some cheese pasta with rice. Yep... TOTALLY paying for it this morning but so worth it!!! I had an amazing weekend. My stomach is all cramping. I have farted more time than I can count. My girlie parts of inflamed and on fire, my eyes were completely blurry this morning.. basically my body flared and is now attacking me which I totally expected!!!! But again, totally worth it for one whole weekend to just let it go :-)

Yummy crab Sammie:
Crab meat
Cheese (of your choice)
Mayo
White bread or sourdough

Simply mix the mayo and cheese together with the fresh carb meat.
Add to the bread.
Make a grilled cheese.
Enjoy!!! Simple as that!!!!!

Yummy donuts!

I would just like to thank Udi's gluten free for making living a life being Gluten-Free taste so good!!! I had some of their donuts last night... To me they tastes SO YUMMY!! Microwave for 30 seconds or so in the microwave & BAM some donuts! Yummmmmy!

Taxing the fat

I have been saying this for years how unfair it is in America that if you make healthy eating choices, it will break your bank! Due to my food restrictions, everything I eat tends to be healthier. I mean let's face it, at an average of $5-$7 for gluten-free bread, who can afford that one a normal budget? I know my food costs are at least triple what the normal person would eat. Being able to make brown rice pasta with turkey sausage should cost the same price as making Ragu with crappy processed food. Hell it should be cheaper considering the fact that it's better for you!! Anyways, here is a great article discussing taxing the junk and making the healthy more affordable.

Taxing the unhealthy & making healthy more affordable

FDA unveils new Food Plate

THANK GOD FDA!!!! It's been twenty years of the food pyramid, and with all the changes in our society & being that 1 in 3 people are obese, I think it's time. I like this new model, it's easier for kids to understand & I think it had a great message.

Healthy Food Pyramid Becomes a Plate

Soy & Dark Blood...

I was on vacation for the last 6 days, and it was AWESOME! Sure I had moments where I didn't feel good, but for the most part my body held out for some serious partying with family & friends, and the Lake. I had a massive headache the last day of the trip, but I think to much fun could of caused that....

So while I was on vacation, I eat pretty much only the following:
Gluten-Free Muffins for breakfast
Fagel & turkey for lunch with some chips
Fagel with Turkey hot dog for dinner
I didn't once eat anything I wasn't suppose to. I was SO GOOD! So proud of myself. It is so easy when you are drinking to lose your willpower and just say fuck it, but I didn't & I wanted to stay healthy and happy for the whole trip, which I succeeded. The last day my hubbie was feeling it to, so the last night we hung out together on top of the boat <3 Love that guy man. Anyways, so on our way back, we all decided that we wanted yummy Chinese food. Which as you know, is loaded with soy which I always tried to avoid in large quantities but never thought about small and if they might affect me. So we ate yummy Chinese, and within 1 hour, I was bleeding (which was almost gone during Lake trip) and in pain. During the trip I was thinking how amazing my IUD is working out for me right now, and I am starting to notice good things... Later on that night, my hands & feet starting itching like crazy. It was awful. The next day I felt SO NAUSEATED like I was getting a stomach flu. I am trying to think of the major difference in what I ate, and it is soy. I am debating starting this weekend, maybe cutting out soy completely for a week or so, and seeing if it is another allergy causing food in my body?~!?!? I know right. ANOTHER fucking thing I can't eat, but seriously I noticed such a difference after I ate this one thing, and after feeling amazing the whole trip and drive home, it makes me think. The whole trip I was able to wear a tampon and THAT'S IT!!! Weird. I hardly had any bleeding, and was completely as ease with the whole thing. Than BAM stomach flu symptoms & dark bleeding. Now I am wondering if maybe, just maybe, soy might be the one component I a missing... Weird. I don't know, I have to think about it, it just adds yet ANOTHER thing I cant eat. But I need to do some research on Soy & possible allergy affects. Till than..... research bitches.

Blarg Mondays

"Your body is designed to heal itself." ~ Donna Eden

So I made commitment to myself that I would watch what I eat, when I eat and how much. The last few Mondays for me have been absolute hell, and I thought it was just because it was Monday. Well this last week I made sure to watch myself, and I only ate a cookie and some fried won-tons last night. I am pretty proud of myself for this, as I had a party at our house this weekend, and good foods was everywhere. I have to say that today, I feel pretty stinking good. Which goes to show you that I really just don't have the luxury of most people, and while some of my health habits are health motivated, ultimately my body rules, and I gotta watch myself. Sucks yes. But it is what it is.

In my world, when you can find something that tastes amazing, and you can eat it & incorporate it into like "normal" food, it's pretty exciting. I went to Costco this weekend for our BBQ, and came across these little wonders Terra Sweet Potato Chips. I was hoping that they would be good. I mean I use to love potato chips, and have been craving a substitute every since. I tried the rice crackers and such, but honestly most aren't even fit for birds. Tried to give some to my dog once, ya he wouldn't even eat them. SO when I saw these chips at Costco, it was like a light shined down on them. I was so excited. I busted open the bag AND YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! So yummy. So delicious and sooooooooooooooo good for you!!!! THANK YOU TERRA!!!!

You are what you eat. Damn I hate when mom is right...

So for most people, this saying is true for the most part. Sure you shovel McDonald's crap inside of you for years, your body is going to show some negative effects. If you eat frys every damn day of the week, than sooner or later you muffin top will show and your energy will start to become drained. FOR MOST people this is the case, for me, I only have a few slips ups of the weeks till my body completely shuts down. I was sooooooooooooooo depressed yesterday and was so annoyed with the way I was feeling. Sure I had moments of slip ups, and moments where I eat a few things which I should not have (not because of diet people, because I SHOULDN'T eat them... i.e potato chips ='s inflammatory response) and I thought I could get away with it... My energy has been totally drained, I am up one hour and than down the next, my smile has slowly faded away off my face and most importantly I lost me somehow. Amongst the end of busy season and me FINALLY being out of school and licensed, I am suddenly approached with all this free time. Weird I know... Shut it. Imagine if for your whole life, you life for the term for the semester, than one day everything has changed. Your life is no longer ruled by books and that ultimate goal. Guess what folks, I made that goal. Fucking weird man.

Emotional Eating! NOT
GOOD!

I don't know really how to describe this, so I am trying my best. But I think after all these years of dreaming, wishing and hoping & finally getting it, it leaves a sort of let down if you may, maybe not right words, but how it feels. The way you feel on December 26th or January 2nd. Nothing special, all that hype and now nothing. It just is. See I have always been a motivated person and an activity person, and ALWAYS been thriving for that goal. Lately, I sleep alot. I mean a lot. My stomach/pelvic area is bugging me and you got about a 50/50 shot that I will actually show up to where I say I am going to.  (Again SO NOT ME).  My emotions are about as Waverly as Kate Moss is. One day I am up, the next day I am down. Seriously. It's like a fucking roller coaster ride and I want off. The binge eating makes me feel better. Makes me feel like fuck I don't know control over something. It's a weird feeling, and something when you tell people they look at you like you are crazy. Which in some ways, I might be. I don't know, but I know I have been depressed and not taking care of myself.

So today I awoke to a sun shiney amazing day, and I also awoke with a renewed spirit about me. I dont want to feel like I have been the last few weeks. I don't want the roller coaster and I don't want the illness. I want to give my body reasons to be healthy and happy, not the other way around. So I awoke this morning to my cat purring and resting next to me, and the sun shining, and I said today is going to be different. I had a conversation with my Hubbie about all this, to which he looked at me like I was crazy, but understanding. Cause well that is him and he is amazing like that ;-) I told him I needed the love back, and he said it goes both ways, it isn't a switch and he is right. After showering I headed to the store (after seeing an idea for a sandwich on Udi's GF Facebook Page) and got myself some healthy eating. Not for diet reasons, for flat out fucking sanity. Had some cottage cheese, cantaloupe and a banana for the morning. Went home and walked my dog in the sunshine (AMAZING) and than I made this bomb ass turkey sandwich with peppered turkey from Whole Foods, lettuce, Garlic/Herb mayo from Kraft, pickles and Udi's bread. It was YUMMMMY! Than I ate some creal and dairy-free cream cheese. God dammit I just feel better. And you know what, I am sick of being & feeling like shit, so today is a new day!!!!!

Feeling of barfing PLEASE go away..

So yes, yes yes I will admit, I went out Saturday night for my close friend's birthday and drank tequila which THERE IS A REASON why I don't drink tequila ;-) I figured my Sunday morning sickness feeling was not only a hangover, but also from the binging of food (AGAIN DAMMIT.. get back this) and opted that the way I was feeling is totally normal, and had nothing to do with my body. I went to mother's day brunch and nutted up, and had breakfast with my mom. Thankfully hubbie was exhausted and wanted to leave, so it gave me a way out. In my head however I totally wanted to do SO MUCH more with my Sunday. So I came home and slept off what I thought was a hangover. Awoke around 4ish, and do a few things around the house. Took my chemo meds around 5:00ish on an empty stomach since Hubbie was getting dinner, and BAM holy nauseated and sick to my stomach. I thought I could wait for hubbie to come back, but I couldnt and I quickly opened a Jello container, hoping to get not only some sugar into my body, but also some contents for my chemo meds. I google methrotraxte on an empty stomach, and supposedly its totally ok. Wasn't for me. I ate some pizza ( I know I know, TOTALLY should not have) and than I landed flat on my back for the duration of the night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but lay there. FML. Awesome. Passed it off as my horrible binging on Saturday night, and hoped I would awake this morning to a feeling better body.

Nope nice try lady. I feel completely nauseated and holy hot flashes. To top it off, I am still fucking nauseated and feeling sick to my stomach. Again, I passed it off as my chemo meds, and I forced myself to work out and eat lunch. Yep no more forcing, I don't feel good!!! My body hurts, I am having serious hot flashes and I feel like I am going to pass out at any minute. I had plans tonight which I canceled because I dont think I can even make it through work. I just want to go home, pop a painkiller and lay on the couch. Maybe eat some soup later. I am sooooooooooooooooooooo icky feeling on the inside and feel like I have the stomach flu again. Awesome. Just Awesome. Note to self. Seriously, maybe get help for binging on food. It isn't good for me, and recks hell on me for days after. How oh how to control that impulse when I drink. Seriously debating either going to a shrink for help on this, or reading some sort of book. I asked my hubbie for help, and you said you are stubborn, you wont listen to me when drunk~~~ Good point. Damn. Now back to work so I can go home.

Binge Eating?!?

So Cinco De Mayo was yesterday :-) Hubbie took me to this Peruvian/Mexican restaurant and we sipped on our $12 margaritas (which BTW are totally worth it) and I ordered chicken with green sauce stuffed in corn tortillas. I was good. I even took the Jack Cheese off the top of the tacos. The dinner was delicious and good for me, so it didn't make me feel like I wanted to die!!! We had a fun night of drinking margaritas with friends and we all ended up sharing a cab ride home. Here is where I go wrong. We get home, and hubbie passes out in bed, I decide I am hungry (which we eat at 6:00, and it was 1:00am so I really could be hungry) and be good and make rice pasta with Italian dressing. HOWEVER I had taken an ambien without thinking, and BAM there goes my rationale. I awoke this morning on the couch at 5am (sucks) and in front of me was a thing of dairy-free sour cream and some red sauce (not suppose to eat tomatoes remember) and I distinctly remember smelling chips. WTF had I done?!? But I slipped into bed, and got another hour of sleep hoping hubbie didn't realize that I had passed out on the couch. I awoke in the morning and looked at what food remains had been left around to figure out what I eat. See Ambien completely kills my memory. My husband hates it, and so do I. Normally when I take it, I just try to lay down, and not move for this exact reason. You become a walking zombie with no rationale brain function and if you stay awake through ambien, than you literally become unable to control your actions. Your brain is asleep.

From looking at the trash can, I see I ate the following. Rice Pasta (started healthy), a bag of Lays Sour Cream chips (which delicious I CAN'T EAT POTATOES!!! and something with sour cream and pizza sauce. Noooooooooooooooo clue wtf that was. I hate hate hate hate when I do this. Not only do I feel like complete shit the next day, but mentally I beat the shit out of myself. I bust my ass to stay in the shape I am and take care of myself, so it killlllllllllllllllllls me when I do this. I wake up the next morning feeling so ashamed of myself. So disgusted in myself. I hate it. It's embarrassing. I use to tell my hubbie when I did this, but I try so hard not to anymore, that I hide it to myself. 95% of the time I eat so well and watch my food intake because it makes me so fucking sick, but that 5% man I fall off the wagon and I fall bad. Lately it only happen about once a week. I need to just sit my ass down in bed or on the couch and not move at night. I have curbed the late night eating I use to (during busy season, I would eat every night around 11pm which I KNOW isn't and wasn't good for me). Being so limited on what I can eat, really fucks with your head. I don't think people understand how hard it is sometimes. I think Ambien totally makes me lose my sense of willpower. I know I am not suppose to eat chips, I know I can't eat cheese (which BTW I totally need to throw out of the house. I clearly have ZERO willpower) but I still do it. It's hard to tell yourself NO all the time.... *sigh*

How grocery stores trick ya.

Interesting video (it's short but to the point) by Michael Pollen on how the supermarkets set up consumers to fail on their diets, and go for the quick & processed foods.

Michael Pollen- Supermarket set-up

Bad Bad Bad Me :(

Sooooooooooooooooo I had a few drinks last night, and WAY to many smokes, and came home amped up on Diet Cokes and Rum drinks (I don't drink caffeine...) When I was enjoying the tasty beverage, I totally spaced that it was after 8:00 at night, and the affect caffeine has on you when you don't drink it. So around 11:00 hubbie went to bed, I tried but I just laid in bed and couldn't sleep, so I woke up. However I had already taken an Ambien (how I sleep) and I sat on the couch. Ambien has this crazy effect on me where if I stay awake through it, than I get sooooooooooooooo hungry and loss all sense of rationale with my brain and foods. So I made some nachos. I was good. Little Jack cheese, some dairy free sour cream and than some green sauce. But unfortunately I didn't stop there. Then I needed some chips, so I ate some nachos (still sort of within my food limits) and used some jack cheese slices to counter-act the nachos (they tasted really spicy to me). Yep I awoke at 5:00am with MASSIVE Pelvic cramping and ended up ON the toilet for little over an hour. It fucking suck man. I was dizzy, tried, disorientated and majorly hurting. Thank GOD I know my yoga breathing, and was able to breath through it, but man this one hurt. Than I went and got my heating pad and laid in bed for a bit, and finally was able to get comfortable. I am still feeling pretty exhausted and my stomach/pelvic area feels sore. BAD BAD BAD ME I know it is because of not only the Rum & Coke drink, but also the food I ate. My bad. I knew this was going to happen, but I still ate it anyways. Least I tried to stay within my food limits, and not eat something like a grilled cheese with cheddar. Anyways, I am struggling this morning, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed. I didn't go to sleep until after 1:00, and waking up at 5am, only left me with 4 hours of sleep.

And it shall be called Turkey Day



Got my whole week and last week all messed up. Stupid cold turning into a chest cold. I didn't have the energy to work out or do anything for that matter. So I opted to take the rest of the week off as well. Hell it is Thanksgiving, I can eat all the food... Er, wait. No I can't. No stuffing, no mash taters, no green bean casserole, no rolls, no dessert no nothing!!! Except turkey and salad. That's it, i am renaming my holiday to TurkeyDay :D Since all this girl can eat is Turkey and salad. Did you know that the average thanksgiving meal has 3,000 calories in it and over 240 grams of fat. Wonder how much mine has? Like 200. Sweet binge all I can on salad and turkey. Awesome. All well, at least I wont have the food baby that most people have after eating the holiday dinner. I have no guilt the next day of eating all that shitastic food..... Butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt that still doesn't take away the pain of watching people next to you enjoy the delicious goodness that you can't eat. At least I got football on. I suppose. I am always trying to look at the positive side of everything, so I am trying on this special day to give thanks to my loving and supporting family and my amazing hubbie. Also my amazing friends who through it all, have been there for me!!!! This I give thanks to!!!!!