Bloody Hell

Today is the 9th, which apparently my body has decided to "mock" a period and still give me cramps. I always hate bitching about this shit, because where I have come from, and where I am now is two completely different places... However, while the IUD has made things better, I still have like a 4 day cycle and also bleed... everywhere. Granted the bleeding is completely manageable and tolerable, I guess the days of thinking that I won't have a period are over.. I miss those days with the Depo shot.. One nice thing.. Not having to worry about it for years, I think I got spoiled. It was like 4 years of bliss followed by 3 years of hell, and now I am somewhere in the middle... I try and remind myself around this time every month, that things use to be worse and that at least I am not bleeding EVERY SINGLE day... So I guess it's important to remember the positive in life.

Depression is a bitch.. and I am not sure who it is tougher on, the person who is depressed or the person who loves the depressed person, and is just trying to find some love. It's strange... I sat at home for one week or so, making sure that he got what he needed. I put myself on the shelve for about one week, and to be honest, I didn't mind it.. I wanted to make sure that he got healthier.. Slowly over the last few days, I have been trying to re-establish, well me. I have been trying to remember myself and not lose myself, because no matter what happens, I am still me. Here is my concern. He has been on meds for about 3ish weeks I think.. and I see he is feeling better. He went to counseling twice, and apparently isn't making another one till January. He is feeling better, but what I notice is that he really isn't treating me any different. Granted, I am not sure what to expect and I am trying to not make any judgements or decisions or well anything until I see how he heals. But to be quite honest, I don't think he knows how to treat a woman, and I don't see any effort from him on trying to heal our relationship. Is it to soon? Maybe? Fuck I don't know... But I do know why he is trying to figure his shit out, I am left in a very lonely and dark place, and that is somewhere I HATE being... I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know and I don't understand. I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to breathe.... I miss the warm touch and compassion of my husband, and it completely sucks that I have to let go of all that... It sucks that while I am trying to see a glimmer of hope for us, I am not sure I see it any more. I am not sure I can see the positiveness in our relationship. I am trying, I am trying so hard, but more than anything I just feel like I am emotionally fucked.. Not matter what I do, it's oh poor hubbie.... It's always my fault.. It's always something I am doing wrong... Mr. Golden Boy can't do anything wrong and it's complete crap. NOT EVERYTHING is my fault. I don't mean to be whiny but fuck. If I leave now, than I am the bitch. If I wait, than I still will be a bitch. However if I do wait, than at least I gave it a chance. I gave him a chance to heal.... This fucking sucks man. I just want things to be simple and they are one giant fucked up mess.