Depression is depressing..

It's tough.. It's looking at someone from the outside, and seeing how bad they hurt and you can't fix it. However hard I try, and help him, he is just so hour by hour. I spent the last week staying home for him, and taking care of him... and I feel like I am dying on the inside. I am striving any feelings, emotions or basically anything because I don't know how he will take it. I am scared about how he will react. I feel like even if he is just studying in his office, I need to be there... and to be quite honest I am sure I can do this. I look at life differently. When something comes across your world, you need to educate yourself and fight with all your might. Hubbie made a comment the other day which triggered and also scared the shit out of me. He said "I just need to wait to have these meds kick in.. and I'll be feeling better.".. Wait?!?!? WHAT?!? I politely and kindly responded with well, I think you need to make some lifestyle changes, and while in combination with your meds, you can see what works. Because clearly what you are doing isn't working... Also his blood pressure is through the roof, and his cholesterol. To mean this is all his body fighting and reacting to the way he has been feeling mentally. I have the opposite problem, my body reacts and than my mind does. Bitch of auto-immune diseases.

Anyways, I have been stuck in this weird world of putting myself on the shelf. I spent the last week making sure I was home for him, doing what he needed and basically taking care of him. I am exhausted. I am miserable and I am happy to be at work. I can't function like this, and it has nothing to do with me being a bad person or a bad wife... I just think that some responsibility needs to fall on his shoulders, and making himself better. I don't think it all should come on me. I understand that I need to be there for him, but I also feel like if I just sat at home, and didn't do me, come my busy time at work.. I will be working 12-14 hour days 7 days a week for about 3 months, I can't be the one to pick him up.. I can't be the one to always fix him, because I wont be there in a few months. He needs to develop some lifestyle changes and things for himself. Right now, all I see is him relying on me, and me taking care of him. Which is fine, however I also think that he needs to be able to function, and right now he can't do that. The million dollar question... If he becomes functionally and healthy again....  Is it still there?!? Can we be "normal" again? Is there to much hurt?!? Fuck I don't know anymore..

I tried to open up to friends about it last week, and I did. I had one friend who I THOUGHT was completely supportive and there with me. I talked to him about how I wanted to separate from my hubbie, as the love just wasn't there anymore. Come to find out, he is severely depressed, and has been for awhile. Which in turn "my friend" sends me a bombardment of TEXTS stating how it was all my fault, I was fake, that I had no soul, why was/am I even married, it's all my fault ect... My response was how completely this shattered my soul... His response more or less, my real or fake soul. I haven't responded to him since, and I to be honest I don't know how to. Different friend, who I basically held his hand through his divorce and his depression, hasn't said shit to me... Really dude?!?!? Another friend, who is also a therapist, I opened up to, said if you knew any books or ways to educate myself... and haven't heard anything from her. Another friend, haven't heard from since Friday.. Awesome. Thank you all for being such awesome friends... On the plus side I suppose. I am finding out who my real friends are... but it's painful as hell, and right now I dont know how much more pain I can handle..