Abandonment

Who would of thought?!? 2 weeks ago when my husband got diagnosed with depression, I threw myself out there, and reached out to people who I thought wold be supportive, kind and loving of the situation. I thought in telling them that I was reaching out to people who would care & be there for me... Ask me how I was doing or how my hubbie was doing. I thought in reaching out to these "friends" that it would be an open communication with these people & try to be honest with them... It's been a rough few months, and honestly I have been hiding from most people, including myself & my hubbie.. I thought in opening up, it would create some trust & people to stand by your side... While in the process of telling these people, I had a friend of mine whom I met earlier this year tell me (when I opened up to him) that his friend, who is a girl and her husband where battling the same thing.. He told me to be prepared to have most of the people who you thought were your friends, to completely abandon you.. I thought he was crazy. Turns out he was right... Since that week when I opened up to people, I haven't heard one thing from any of them. Not a hey... how is your hubbie? Or a how are you doing with all this? Nothing. Through it all, 2 people have been there for me, maybe 3 and keep an open & caring communication with me. It's crazy and completely baffling. I "thought" these people were my friends. Hell one of them actually I held his hand daily through his divorce earlier in the year, and walked him through one of the worst times in his life... The daily emails, texts and crazy communication between him and his now ex-wife.. I guess I thought we developed a true friendship with each other, and if it came time for me to need a friend, turns out he hasn't been there at all..

Does it make me not want to open up to people? Sure. Does it make me want to close off my heart to anyone and everyone except my hubbie and my family? Sure.. But I won't, I just see things in a different light. Life just seems different. Hubbie fights every day for a smile or a good moment, and i have to say since he started his meds, and tried to approach life differently, I have noticed a change. Even the simple little words "I am having a tough day today" mean so much. He is talking to me about the way he feels, and that my friends is a step in the right direction. What does this mean to us? Again I have no idea. What matters right now is his strength, and helping to find the fight within himself. One day at a time... I love and care for him, and want to see him smile. I want him to find the happiness that has been ever eluding him for years and pushed him slowly into depression. I've been trying to put myself on the shelf for a few days/weeks while I try and help him out of depression.. Slowly though however, I need to remember myself & what makes me happy.. I need to get my ass back to doing the things that I love to do... I can't lose the fight in myself while I am helping him fight.... It's important to remember what makes myself tick, which I working on him finding out what makes himself tick... Somehow... Someway I will find that balance I've been missing for months.... But for now, I gotta fight this cold & fever I have had for the last 2 days... So for now, I will work through this in my head, and try to plan things again so I can slowly find that balance.