Guilt.... It's a bitch.

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves -- at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others -- at what they did or did not do.”

Guilt is an interesting thing.... and guilt is something by which fuels us to act or do something in a way.... This guilt I feel is what I feel on nights like last night, where I get hungry and so I eat foods which I know I shouldn't, but I do anyways because I feel so damn cheated outta being able to eat certain things.. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does happen, it makes me feel awful the next day. I wake up in a bad mood and usually soon as I awake and my meds I have taken for the night which usually lower my ability to have will-power have worn off, I immediately feel a sense of guilt for doing this... I hate it. It makes me feel awful, fat and bloated. How can I treat my body like that?!?! Than I think, fuck you body, how can you treat me like that?!?!? granted all I ate was Cheese, Fake Bread with butter and some Cheetos. To the "normal" person this may seem like no big deal, but to me it makes me feel awful emotionally, spiritually and physically. But ya somehow I still slip up every once and awhile, and still act out in the privacy of my own couch while my husband is in his den playing his game.. It's usually on days like yesterday, where I spend the whole day for someone else, or taking care of things for other people and it's like my guilty pleasure I enjoy in the quite of my own home.. Again usually fueled by when I take an Ambien, can't sleep and end up somehow having this intense urge to eat food. I wake up the next morning feeling like I do right now, and it sucks...I hate feeling weak and that I gave into something I should not have. Oh ya, and I smoked yesterday to. So shoot me. I spent ALL DAY ON MY SICK DAY cleaning my house for my girl's bday party at my house. Than I ran around town running errand for the party, and finding the perfect outfit to wear.... WHICH I have no problem doing, but it left a sense of me wanting to do something for me.. So which I did. I ate.