Now that I've calmed down a bit....

All techniques and methods of inner development have a common goal. They all aim towards freedom and enlightenment.

I spent the morning trying to rule out the negative, and bring in the light. i.e working. I <3 my job. I <3 my job more than anything.. obviously or I would not of ended up where I am today, having sacrificed my health for my license... I enjoyed spending the morning working on this project, even though the project is non-profit, which I usually despise. At this point I enjoy doing things with which my mind can focus. Focus in on the positive, and rule out the negative... I did however spend the morning in complete agony from the stabbing pain in my stomach and ovaries.. Told my hubbie I was speechless with him.. Still am. Fact he isnt kissing my ass right now is baffling. Only amplifies fact that I allowed my world around me to be about everyone else EXCEPT the one person who matter. ME. i am assuming from the negative energy and constant worry (note to self: talk to therapist tomorrow about this).

I had a dear friend of mine email me and in part of that email was the following(PS I can't figure out WTF why is the font changing?!? *shrug* "but I’m a little worried about how this is affecting you. Perhaps I’m overly concerned but I see a huge amount of underlying anger and that isn’t healthy…"... Is he right? Completely and absolutely 100%... Which is why I am trying to seek the higher power and work on Step 1: Admitting you have no control.. I can be a giver... and give & give and give.. That about me won't change. But what needs to change is the selfishness in my life from other people. I hate selfishness. i can't stand it. I don't understand.. I think that's why my hubbie this morning, and CHOOSING to sleep in a an extra 15 mins instead of meeting me, completely crushed me. Doesn't he think about me sitting there waiting for him? Where was the thought for me in this whole thing? No where.. Acts like this I am not standing for anymore.. Period. It's self-destructive to me, my health & well being.

And so I spent my lunch the following way.
1) Drove home, tried not to kill someone on the way from pure anger
2) Petted my puppies. :D
3) Worked out to bad ass bitch Jillian Michaels. STABBING pain in my upper left hand shoulder blade 5 mins in. I closed my eyes, continues to work out and breatttttttttttttttthed my way through it.
4) Worked on my energy medicine exercises. Amazing...Really healing. Felt flow of energy through out my body. Really getting into this.. I can feel the energy following throughout my body which is an amazing experience. Teacher says I am "stuck" with certain energy fields in my body flooding my areas. One thing in particular is my triple heart warmer i.e fight or flight. 
5) Meditated for the first time in my life. Took 5 mins, put on some Monks chanting in Tibet and just breathed. Every breath I took innnnnnnnnnnn and outttttttttttttttttt I tried to focus my breath on that moment, nothing else. When my mind wandered, I let it go back to the breath.. Towards the end of 5 mins, I could feel the energy flowing through out my body. It was amazing.

And so. I took a lunch FOR ME and my time. I loved it... and quite frankly it's about fucking time.