Regaining control...

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.  -Buddha-

I made a decision a little over a week ago, and I am sticking with it. I am not having toxic shit in my life any more.. and more importantly toxic people. On top of that, I AM TAKING BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE... and I gotta tell ya, it feels amazing. I started out my morning with a 1.60 miles walk in the treadmill & read my "One breathe at a time: 12 steps of Buddhism", followed by a 10min row on the rowing machine, which felt AMAZING. I have to say the last two workouts, I finally feel like I am gaining back some stamina and well, strength to be me. On the way home I was greeted with this gorgeous view:

It was literally like the heavens above where shining down on me. Than I did my ten mins of Energy Exercises and hoped in the shower, and I have to say. I am feeling pretty darn good right now. I am feeling peaceful from the inside out. I love it. I am taking the steps I need in life to feel better about myself. I am taking the time for once in my life, to heal and work on my soul. I am deciding that modern medicine has done what it can, and I refuse to believe that this is is for me. That living in a life of pain and misery is a place I want to be in. In effect, I have booted out of my life toxic and harmful people aka DRAMMMMMMA, I am working on me by seeing my therapist, working on my relationship with my hubbie was became so tattered at the edges from 3 years of constant roller coaster of pain, surgeries and in between. Plus in there, I also got my professional license for my job which was complete hell. I am also working my sense of self. Who the fuck am I really? Where did the strong, amazing, passionate and well basically me go over the last few years? I refuse to believe that the possibility of us having kids is gone... it isn't final, it isn't final till I say it is and god dammit I haven't even started yet!!!!!

Twelve Steps:
Surrender:
Step 1:
"We admitted that we are powerless over _______ (for me is my past & my health); that our lives have become unmanageable"
In doing so, I have admitted that I need help. I need help dealing with the crazy and out of control my life has gotten with not only toxic people, but toxic thoughts and actions in my life. I have admitted that something needs to change, and only when we first admit it, can we truly began to change our lives. I admitted as I laid in my bed over a week ago balling my head off that I had in fact lost control. My toxic friends and toxic thoughts were consuming my life. I had let my life get away from me because I was so all consumed with trying to NOT be "sick" or NOT be basically someone I am not... The first step for me began when I realized I had completely lost control over my life, and it was about to blow up in my face. So I took the initiative to make a difference in my life today.. Not tomorrow. But today, and so I did.