yo yo

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

Smoke-free- I don't count in days anymore... 95% of the time I am, win.

So where to start....

Monday was my doctors appt with my surgeon who took all the blood work from me in the week prior to try and see if I had a blood clotting disease or disorder. Guess what?!? They all came back normal of course. Than the doc informed me that i needed a hysterectomy, or my pain wouldn't subside. Than he informed me that I was allowing mother nature to decide for me if I wanted to have kids or not?!? WTF? seriously.. Dude I am 31. I am not 41. Pissed me off a little. So I gathered my thoughts and politely put the knife that was stabbed in my heart back into the place it came from, and asked him about pain management. Would he oblige me in pain management for the next little while... until I could figure out a plan... He agreed... Asked if I needed more meds. I was like JESUS!!! no!! (He gave me 60 Darvocet and 25 Valium + an extra prescription 4 weeks ago.. IF I had taken all that. Holy crap I wouldn't even be functional!!!!)

I am so fucking sick of people pressuring me with children. I am so sick at having to make this decision at 31 if I want to have kids, should I have them now and if not, do I yank out the one womanly right that us women have?!? Well besides the awful periods... which I honestly don't know if I would still have those.... hmmmm. Still ovaries but no uterus. Where would that leave me!?!? Again, MORE fucking questions. I am so sick of questions.. So sick of being sick... So annoyed with women who think getting pregnant is the end all of end all, and somehow because I don't know if I can give birth, that somehow converts into the fact that  I don't want to have children... Somehow I find myself plagued by the bitterness of these omwne who "judge" me when they met me and are puzzled why I don't have kids.. Goes to show you, that you NEVER know the battle someone is facing, so you should always respect their privacy AND smile. It could just make their day!!!

So far now my hubbie and I have agreed to take it one day at a time and not worry about kids for now. Whatever happens happen, and Right now kids or ripping out my uterus (dude its a BODY ORGAN) isn't happening. Trying to enjoy each other and the time we do have. Enjoy life. Enjoy everything we can down to the simple things... I am going try and regain my strength and stamina as quickly as I can without hurting myself... Sure I still hurt. Sure I wish the pain would go away. Sure I wish the surgery fixed everything. But it's here to stay, all I can do is adjust and no it didn't fix anything... So for now. Live. Laugh. Love.