Remebering who I am.

I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed.-Dalai Lama-

Welp I haven't written in awhile, because 3 weeks tomorrow, I came down with a 101/102 fever, and couldn't shake it for 4 days. Than I came down with a wicked cough, and thought I was healing. Cough wouldn't go away though, so I fought it as I am working 10+hrs a day, and quite frankly I don't have time to be sick. My hubbie had enough, and told me I had no choice, it was time to go to the doctor. So I did. Doc did an X-Ray to make sure my lungs weren't totally pneumonia ridden, and they came out clean. However he is worried, that if I don't take care of myself than I will become really ill with pneumonia. So I went on some heavy duty anti-botics (I don't know the name since i am allergic to like 90% of drugs out there for this, so its like $10 a pill and I only take it once a day. it makes me VERY sleepy and drowsy. Now here is the key, to kick the infection BEFORE my bdy reacts to the meds. Tomorrow is day 4. Doc said I need to go 5, hopefully 10. But 5 at the minimum. So COME ON body, you only got 1 more day!!! I am writing this under the influence of Codeine cough syrup and ambien, so my grammar may not be that well.

My IUD is doing well. I "think" I am having period symptoms, bleeding and cramping. All though it isn't really a period, as much as it is that my body is trying to level out. However these cramps usually come out of nowhere, and kick my ass for only the time being they show up. It's weird. Hubbie reminded me that this is on 2 month mark for the IUD, and I reminded him how sorry I am how unpredictable it has been. We try and have sex when we can, but in between this narely 3 weeks cough, and unpredictability of my IUD, it makes it hard. I told him no matter how much I had to drug myself tomorrow, it was going to happen!!! So far the pain has gone down and so has the bloating. My headaches have gotten better and I think when things level out, it will be worth it all in the end. I can see why most women end up yanking these out before they really get the full effect, as must women's pain threshold is pretty low, and well I am one patient bitch.... ;-)

When you are patient, and you are constantly sick, you see your friends and people you know in pain (either emotionally or physically) you cant help but want to help them. Its a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn't been chronically ill. You want to help people, you have a big caring heart, and you want to help your friends & the people that you love. When you are chronically ill, you want to help your friends, because not only does it take you mind off your illness, but it makes you not think about how much pain you are in. Quite honestly the last few months have been hard. people mistaking my good heart for something other than just that. it;s hard and makes me want to withdraw even father from people. I have a friend who says I am her best friend, which to her I might be, but the realty of it all is that she knows nothing about me... She asks me every once and awhile how I am, but its generic. She doesn't know how my IUD is. She doesn't ask how me and hubbie are, or even know my horses names. I find this true for majority of my friends, it seems pretty one sided,. I am always trying to be a friend and a good person, and maybe I let people in and than close them out. My fiends dont know my cats names or my horses names. They don't know how my sister is making her way in business or how I am making my way into taking over the family business. They don't know that my mo have very painful fibromaylgia or how my ex-best friend broke every being in my heart, and when it comes down to it, do they really know me?!?!? They cant name the things that are important to me, besides my health issues. Maybe this is my fault, I don't know. But I don't know I am sick of being hurt & my intentions being mistaken for something other than pure heart. I think its time to focus in on me, and want I what.... This summer I really want to accomplish some goals for myself with my horses, and I am doing for me, and just me and no one else. There is nothing more amazing than riding your horse  through the country side and bonding with an animal. To me, these are the relationships I need to focus on. I use to be this way, before I got sick, and my sickness owned me. It';s time for me to remember me.