sometimes.. a smile is just hard

I don't know if it is the post weather blues, or if it is the holidays or what. But every time I turn around, I am just saddened. Seems as though things keep seeming to let me down. I am on a roller coaster and I want the fuck off. My body is In a tailspin of confusion starting with my "cycle" (use term loosely since I am on IUD) so I probably should call it shedding, not cycle. So anyways, that start last week and I got this awful cold on Christmas. It started the night before, to which I just thought I was having an allergy attack, and it turns out my nose is like a faucet and leaking like a seave. I was drugged on allergy meds and painkillers for most of Christmas, turns out it wasn't everything I thought it would be and more. I just felt like crap. I guarantee you if any of my family members where as sick as I was, they would be whining and bitching, but I sucked it up. I just generally have been down this week or so. I feel very emotionally exhausted. Lot of things have happened in the last montt or so, and I find myself an emotional wreck, since I am having a hard time being strong... I am just emotionally exhausted and well my heart hurts. It has been quite the ride this last few months with SO MANY things going on both personally and through work. I think mentally I am just done with 2010. Bring on 2011.

I have gained 10lbs. Which I am finding out from most people this is a good thing, apparently I look "better" with 10lbs on me. Somehow I beg to differ with them. At 5'7" and weighing 125ish this summer, I will admit that i was getting a little worried about being slender, and bones, but I felt good (for the most part) and damnit for the first time EVER in life I could rock a bikini and be happy about it. I felt good. Which people don't seem to get that. Granted I am a size 4 still, and I can still wear the same clothes, but I think I just have put some junk in the trunk and also some on the sides, which I guess is a good thing. But I am having a hard time with it. I don't feel tone, and I FEEL like I weigh a lot more and it bugs me. I Don't like feeling bloated majority of the time, which is how I feel. However I know that come busy season, and the Lake trip coming up in May, I will be back on the work-out/toning trip soon.