Depression.. what a bitch

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

Penelope Sweet quotes

No not me... Come to find out my husband is completely and horribly severely depressed :( This is something that I think has been brewing for a long time, and it has completely over-come him. Turns out our marriage isn't in trouble, he is. This isn't about me, this is about him & getting him healthy. I am so thankful that I am the fighter that I am, and that I don't give up on people. I tried to look at him and his behavior and see if there was a pattern, and sure enough one emerged. Also I did some research and pulled my educated brain out from my 1st degree and thought about these patterns.. what do they mean?!? They have to mean more... and so I found a pattern.... Take for example the classic symptoms of depression:

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much - YEP!!! All he does is sleep.. he can't sleep enough. I use to think he just needed more sleep than the normal... than he told me that he awoke at 1:00am last week crying his eyes out, about his fucked up family (we will get in to that later...) Hmmm irregular sleep patterns. Check
• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult - Got to the point asking him to go to the store or wash clothes was a challenge. Use to think it was me.. Nope.  
• you feel hopeless and helpless - Turns out I HAD NO IDEA.... Explains why our marriage has suffered over the last few months.. He feels like it doesn't matter... nothing matters ect... Check another one
• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try -His negativity reminds me of my mother.. I see the world in positiveness, try anyways... his "downer" thoughts started to get to me.. Turns out he can't see the world any other way :(
• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating - Wasn't sure on this one.. After I made him dinner last night, and went to lunch today.. I stopped to think about it and at the most he was eating a bowl of cereal for dinner.. Ya no... Not eating.
• you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual - Yep. Completely. Total asshole, which he is normally a complete laid-back and sweet man, so this trait again confused me... Again makes sense now
• you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior - Yep EXSPECIALLY hard A. When he drinks Hard A and not beer he turns in to a complete raging asshole.. almost violent, not towards me but I could see it progressing there.. this is partially what started to cue me. Plus when he tried to drive home after 10+ cocktails, I KNEW something was up...
• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case) - I don't know the answer to this... but I do know that it's possible.

Thankfully for right now... least there is an answer. I know it wont be easy, I know that this is a day by day thing.. Having had a physical aliment for SO MANY years, I understand how hard it is when you feel sad... when things look gloom. His mental health matters just as much, if not more than physical health. I think one factor which might of added to this, is my health issues for so long... I talked to him about it last night.... I think of this one story.

Just went to have surgery on my eyes.. awesome... Doc sent me home to early and I was still to heavily medicated.. I fooled him.. It wasn't his fault. I seemed more "sober" and ready for surgery than I was. I went home. Hubbie put me on the couch, and said I will be right back. He had to run across the street and pick up the painkillers. No biggie.. However I was still high & out of it from surgery, and I got up.. HUGE MISTAKE... See when you had eye surgery, you can't move..



Now people this wasn't fluffy lasic surgery.. this was cut part of your eye off with a scapula, and heal in 6-8 weeks. Fucked up shit... So while he was gone, my delirious self got up, and went to the mirror.. Moving around jarred my eye, and I look in the mirror to see blood dripping OUT OF MY FUCKING EYE.. You ant to talk about fucking making you feel crazy and freak out!!! Hubbie came home. I was laying on the bed, crying tears of BLOOD and completely hysterical... Ya dude.. words cannot describe this story.....

So... this story is one of many of my 5+ years of pain, surgery, healing and repeat.. So I know the combination of his family (fuck them by the way.. they treat him like shit), my health and general genetic pre-disposition to depression, I completely understand why he feels the way that he feels... I feel so bad for him. We went to lunch today and he had tears twice. He is so sad.. and so hurt.. and doesn't understand any of it :( This is all knew to him... and he realized yesterday how he was feeling. I always sort of had an idea, but could never get him to see it.. I also didn't realize the severity of it... I am thankful that I have the tools, knowledge, resources and the mental strength to be there for him. I know the road ahead wont be easy, but what matter now is him.... Tomorrow he begins a new way of feeling. He is going in to see the primary care physician and also a therapist. For the first time ever, I think for him this is anew beginning. Please say a prayer for all those people who are fighting depression out there. It's a lonely disease no matter how surrounded you are by people who love you, you don't see it.