Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Fucking kids

My marriage is ending, and it's because my husband wants kiddos, and I want a career. If the roles where reversed, and it was him was saying I don't want kids right now, no one would even bat an eye.. But because I am a fucking woman.  

Oh and not to mention the fact that I have only been healthy for a year... and my doctors wont let me go off my meds for another year at best IF I CAN even go off them... I'll give him this, we have been together for short of a decade, and I can get why having children would be the next step.. HOWEVER he is leaving me because of the ONE thing I cannot change, I have no choice. Kids is something which I can't just yank out my IUD and say BAM let's get pregnant. I have to go off my meds, IF I even can and take out my IUD which will than spin my body in a whirlwind of adjusting, pain and who the fuck knows. All things which mentally I am not ready for. Does this make me selfish? Maybe. But I can tell you after laying on the couch for years of pain, misery and loneliness, I am not about ready to put myself through that shit again. I have worked really hard for my career, and where I stand, and I am not about to let that go. Is there more issues between us? Sure. But my immature and quite honestly confused husband is convinced that this is what he needs, and I cant stand in his way. It breaks my fucking heart. He wont even acknowledge how shitty it is of him to make this choice. I am being understanding, and trying to pick up the pieces while he sits in his sad state and claims he is said and withdrawn from the whole thing. Sorry I am not enough for you. Sorry I love is not enough and most importantly I am sorry you think that there is something better and more needing out there for you. I am trying to process the whole thing... started telling family/friends which is always fun.. While he is away on "vacation", I get the emotional task of telling everyone. Thanks asshole. I told him last night that until he processes the magnitude of what he wants, he will never go through this. I am so mentally beat the fuck up, and my eyes are killing me from all the crying... I am exhausted. I just want someone to love me for me. Nothing more, and nothing less. Thougt which does not kill us only makes us stronger... Gotta get to work. The ONE thing I know I can.

Labels: ,

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home