Nope.... no babies here!

Letting your defenses down and allowing someone to get close to you can make you feel very vulnerable. When a trusted person hurts you, its easy to put your barriers back up to stop future pain. But when you put up your barriers, you block more than pain, you also block future opportunities of happiness and contentment. When you try to protect your fragile self, people may call you cold and distan...t when in fact you are so fragile inside that you are scared you may break. Allowing someone into your heart is scary and can be painful but the more barriers you take down, the stronger you become. Remember, when someone hurts you, it doesn't make you a bad person. It is their karma, not yours. True happiness and love can only be found outside of yourself when you first learn to love what is inside. You are not as fragile as you think, your soul is eternal and your life force is the essence of the universe itself. Let down your defenses and allow the world to see how truly wonderful you are.

I'm so exhausted..I keep saying this, but I am... My heart hurts and realizing that someone you have loved for years, really isn't that person, is completely devstating. I think the worst part, is he is so emotionaless, and I am so not.. It's a struggle when you are a feeler, and someone who has been sick for so long, and just want to enjoy life, and you are with someone who doesn't. I think he needs someone to take care of, like a child. He himself has said this, and I wish he would truely explore that. I feel that he needs something to make him feel his exisitence, and I just need to wake up every day and be functional. He needs something to make him feel, and I feel every damn day. The struggle is in talking to him, he just wont think for himself. Fuck take some time to yourself and go think about what you want. FIND YOUR FUCKING YOURSELF... I don't understand. I dont understand how someone could wake up every day, and just go through the motions of life. How dreams and hope aren't something that dont guide them. I am completely fucking lost.

Here is the issue with kids. See I can't just decide I want to get pregrant. IF and WHEN the time comes, I have to yank out my IUD (which not looking forward to) and I have to go off my chemo (i.e auto-immune supressing drugs), which I dont even know if I can. I am basically signing myself up for time of hell and sickness, and I AM NOT READY to be there again. It's only been a year since I have started to maintain a certain level of healthiness, I am not ready to go back. I am not ready to sign myself up for more pain... The only person that can understand this, is me... People think they can, but truely the feelings reside within me. I am the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and fuck that. I am not ready.