So lost & empty....

"In your hopelessness is the only hope. and in your desirelessness is your only fulfillment, and in your tremendous helplessness suddenly the whole existence starts helping you". -Osho-

I'm exhausted. I am beat down and I am sick & fucking fed up with feeling so alone. I fight, and fight and fight to keep things happy. I try my hardest to help hubbie through his depression, but I can't be the only one fighting. I can't be the only one who wants to try and fix things. You can't BLAME depression, you can fight it.... It isn't a switch. I don't get how he can be so emotionless around me, and than hope onto his video game world, and seemingly seem so happy, laughing and joking. Depression isn't a switch, you can't just turn it on and off. If he wants to stay a recluse, than fine so be it... I can't help him with that. I understand what he is going through, and I understand that he hurts, but I am not going to fight this fucking battle alone, and right now I am.... I want to be loved, and feel loved. I want to feel like I matter. I don't want to fucking tell him HOW to act, think, feel and be. I don't want to tell him how to love me.. I can't do it anymore. I can't be the one who is always fixing and mending things. He has to take some accountability and be responsible for his own actions. He has to be an active participant in life. He has to wake up in the morning, and do things for himself... Just like he stays up till fucking 4:30am and sleeps all day, IT'S a choice... In order to get better, one has to make the effort. He has to consciousnessly decide that he wants to get better. Make the steps to try and get better, right now all I see if him taking a happy pill, and expecting it to get better. It doesn't fucking work like that.... In order to make a change, one has to educate, fight and try to consciously make a difference. I don't know why this is so fucking hard. I can't do this anymore... I can't be the only one fighting for this.... I have to stop typing, I am all most in tears and I have a lot of work to do today.