What a weekend....

What does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

Smoke-Free days-0

I fell off the wagon this weekend on Sunday.... I completely feel apart...My husband and I spent 7 hrs discussing us and how we need to make it through this right now. We have been through sooooooooooooooooooooo much and right now we need to focus on "us" and "selfs". Part of that entails me healing my soul in the health traumas that I have had to deal with my whole life. In part of this healing is education & finding support out there. I am working on starting a Pelvic Pain Support group, in hopes of not only connecting with other sufferers but also in hope of not being alone anymore with the pain. In addition, I am seeking out the help of a therapist. i think it is time for me to work through the pain and scars I have received from all the health issues over last 15+ years. Plus today I got get my blood work drawn for the blood clotting disorders, find out next week..  I think I need to "grief" and so does my husband for the potential life which we planned, not working out the way we wanted. Sure their is adoption, and sure there is other choices. However, we have to grief and get through his together. Because it is only going to get harder, not easier. We have been through so much, and it cant all be for nothing. We have to be in this together, as one... So today, we start working on "us" and selfs.

Yes I failed and bought a pack of smokes... Should I have. No. I feel like I got ran over by a bus today, which is all to be expected given the fact I smoked. I feel awful and ashamed, but the only thing I can do is hold my chin up, and keep moving forward. I have no desire to be a smoker again, and I dont want to.... For one my body cant handle it and for two it's gross!!!!!

I would go over how I feel today. But between the combo of opening a giant wound with my marriage, getting blood work drawn today and meds I take weekly (took last night) I feel like a complete zombie & I hurt everywhere... Stress triggers my pain, and last night, I couldn't even move. My husband and I ended up laying ont he couch, and he just held me while I slept. it was nice.

Welp off to work and to find a suitable meeting place for the meeting. I plan on going around to all the OB/GYNs and women's clinics in the area. Thinking meeting in Nov would be enough ample time...