There is always a reason....

Once the people begin to reason, all is lost 

Friend of mine said this last night about smoking, and you know what?!? She is totally right. There is always a reason to smoke or not to smoke, and I in total agreement with her. She was talking about how when she quit, it was like this HUGE weight off of her shoulders, and quite frankly I got a little jealous of that thought. To be free from smoking again would be AMAZING and something I am really gearing my brain up for. I am sick of it, and like a toxic relationship it has snuck back into my life. It has been the annoying little voice in my head, and I am sick of it. I hate it and I am so jealous of people who never took the plunge, and I want to rise above it. I think come Monday, I am going to post it everywhere, this is ALWAYS a reason, its a great mental strengthener and also something to always remember. My husband said he would help me out the next two weeks, so I can get back on track with my workouts and yoga. I am sick of being worried about smoking, and the anxiety behind. I am sick of the pattern.... It;s a pattern I want to break.

Headed to the Doctor today. I think I have developed an infection in either my sinuses, or my mouth or both. My both smells and tastes awful, and quite frankly it fucking hurts. My ear is still in pain from pulling the Q-Tip out, and I don't think that is right either. 2 years ago during tax season, I developed a massive case of thrush in my mouth, its one of the lovely reactions that my body has to stress. Fun. NOT! I was going to try and ride it out, but all week all I have been doing is eating soft foods (which for me isn't much choices) and drinking decaf coffee, tea and water. Anything else just hurts to damn bad. So we will see what doc says this morning, but infections are my bodies MO. Also being that I was recovering from that nasty cough flu I had, which turned in pneumonia, it doesn't really surprise me. Honestly though, my little body has been quite the trooper this tax season, I am hoping the next 5 weeks it can just hang on and ride our the duration.

Voices in my head...

I hate them. They are the ones who have been making me stuck in this hell of working, smoking and not working out.. I always can find an excuse or a reason, and quite frankly I am sick of it. Busy season is all most over (less than 6 weeks) and it's time for me to find my inner me back. I am going to talk myself up in the head, and get through the next few days. Than come Monday I AM GETTING ME BACK. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where my life isn't 100% work anymore, and god fucking dammit I getting back the girl I was a few months ago. I am going to spend the next few days thinking about my path, and how I want to put in this plan of action, and thankfully I have the support of my AMAZING hubbie. I need to hit the gym again, and help for the voice in my head of working out and being back on track comes back! Right now I am so freaking exhausted I just don't have the willpower voice right now. I will. I am going to. And I making a plan. I am a planner, I need a plan instead of just winging it. I got totally sick last night and spent an hour plus on the toilet. Could be the changing in the hormones (my body is shifting out of "period" mood) or I don't know. But the guilt I feel inside of me with me not working out and the nicotine can;t be healthy for me. SO I AM MAKING THIS WORK. I will make my body my bitch so suck it!

Can't help but laugh...

Went to my Auto-Immune doctor yesterday paranoid that my symptoms were being caused by my meds which have made my eyes function so well! I went into his office, and he was chatting with me, and went to check my ears and said "WOW! girlie you got a serious ear infection!". Which would explain the vertigo symptoms I was having. So he gave me some solution to help rinse out my ear, but the more he thought of it, he wanted me to go see my primary care doctor, to which they made the phone call and off I went. When I got to my primary care doctor, he checked out my ears, and said he could see all the wax and build up around my ear drum, and what appears to be some edge of a Q-tip. So they poured the solution into my ear and let it sit. All the while I am trying to not puke on any of my doctors! Doc went to pull out the ear wax out of my ear and out POPS THE WHOLE END OF A Q-TIP!!! No joke, for real, the whole end of a fucking Q-Tip. I couldn't help but laugh my fucking ass off. The doc said that this was one for the record books. I was just happy that it could be explained all my symptoms no matter how bizarre they were they could be explained!!!! Seriously still laughing g my ass off!!!

On a harder note. My husband was right, I started smoking again here and there, and sure enough, BAM I am smoking now on any occasion or excuse I have to smoke. I SO DON'T want to be here again. It is expensive, it stinks and is a disgusting and filthy habit. Plus like a bad boyfriend, it slowly starts to come back into your life and you cant get it out!!!! And here I am, back right in the same relationship we use to be in. I always thought I was stronger than this, but I don't think I am. I don't like thinking about when I am going to smoke or hiding it from my amazing hubbie. I threw away a pack I had bought, and I am hoping & going to try and fight with all my mite to NOT smoke. I hate it and I am so mad at myself I let it slowly creep back into my life. It increases my anxiety and it makes me feel all ancy. I HATE IT and I want it gone. I keep thinking over in my head what Steve Carr (I think that is his name) said about the little nicotine monster, and I need to remember that I DON'T NEED SMOKING IN MY LIFE!!!! Breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I want to get this shit out of my system. I like my smokes, but I don't like it ruling my life again!!!!

What a weekend....

What does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

Smoke-Free days-0

I fell off the wagon this weekend on Sunday.... I completely feel apart...My husband and I spent 7 hrs discussing us and how we need to make it through this right now. We have been through sooooooooooooooooooooo much and right now we need to focus on "us" and "selfs". Part of that entails me healing my soul in the health traumas that I have had to deal with my whole life. In part of this healing is education & finding support out there. I am working on starting a Pelvic Pain Support group, in hopes of not only connecting with other sufferers but also in hope of not being alone anymore with the pain. In addition, I am seeking out the help of a therapist. i think it is time for me to work through the pain and scars I have received from all the health issues over last 15+ years. Plus today I got get my blood work drawn for the blood clotting disorders, find out next week..  I think I need to "grief" and so does my husband for the potential life which we planned, not working out the way we wanted. Sure their is adoption, and sure there is other choices. However, we have to grief and get through his together. Because it is only going to get harder, not easier. We have been through so much, and it cant all be for nothing. We have to be in this together, as one... So today, we start working on "us" and selfs.

Yes I failed and bought a pack of smokes... Should I have. No. I feel like I got ran over by a bus today, which is all to be expected given the fact I smoked. I feel awful and ashamed, but the only thing I can do is hold my chin up, and keep moving forward. I have no desire to be a smoker again, and I dont want to.... For one my body cant handle it and for two it's gross!!!!!

I would go over how I feel today. But between the combo of opening a giant wound with my marriage, getting blood work drawn today and meds I take weekly (took last night) I feel like a complete zombie & I hurt everywhere... Stress triggers my pain, and last night, I couldn't even move. My husband and I ended up laying ont he couch, and he just held me while I slept. it was nice.

Welp off to work and to find a suitable meeting place for the meeting. I plan on going around to all the OB/GYNs and women's clinics in the area. Thinking meeting in Nov would be enough ample time...

Post Surgery Blues

I am a warrior. Warriors never lose hope, because when they lose hope, they lose the battle.

Smoke-Free 19 days... WOW.

Had to go off my chemo meds (lower my immune system from OVERreacting to everything & also known as chemo drugs) prior to the surgery and the week after. NOW my body is starting to play catch up. I noticed my eyes are getting a little fuzzy, and my vision just isnt as sharp. I would imagine, and feel like this is from my body trying to attack my corneas again & build scar tissue, since I went off the meds for 3 weeks... Doesn't surprise me really. I am not going to worry about it until my allergies calm down, been on meds for 2+ more weeks to get back to "normal" or as I call it living.... One day at a time.. Right now, I am still reeling and dealing with Pelvic issues...

On a happier note, things I have noticed since I am now Smoke-Free:
1)When I get stressed out, I deal with things better. Sure I panic and still feel panicked, but I "deal" with things better. Doesn't seem so overwhelming all the time. Life just seems simpler.. All though reality it is still the same life, just smoke-free
2)Food tastes different. Like salt. Hubbie use to always complain that I didnt salt everything enough... Now apparently I salt things to much. LOL no hunniers, I actually just follow the recipe because salt tastes like well, salt.
3)Time flyssssssssssss by during the time. Since I am not constantly watching the clock for when I am going to get my next smoke break
4)Breathe taste better
5)Inflammation in lower area is cutting down every day... Co-winky-dink.. Not sure. Still investigating....
Someday I will tell my parents I didn't actually quit 2 years ago.. yes, I am in my 30's and still afraid of my parents.. dad not so much.... Him and I are identically. Mom. Ya she scares the shit out of me.... Love her, but she scares me... She is more judging than god sometimes... Swear... No joke... and she has this way of making you feel like she isn't judging you, but still judging you.. Weird.

Note to Self: Pat self on back for quitting cold-turkey after smoking a pack a day & with EVERYTHING I did in life;-)

still recovering....

Slept not so well last night. woke up with some pains in my abs.. Cuts look pretty narly now with the blood and also now the blue/yellow bruising showing... Did the dishes this morning. /ow laying down.. awesome. Feeling restless like a school kid with ADD. all though that could be the lack of activity from a normally active person combined with the no smoking..

On day 5. thats $25 i have saved.... Feels good but haard. Got a little grumpy last night so i sent my hubbie away for a night of games to a friends house with some baked zita my girl C had made him. I needed the night alone... it has to get easier rightr?!?

my goal today is to rest for 2 hrs, up for something minor like laundry or dishes and back down for 2 hrs... see how it goes. /ot sure how i feel about lower ab pain...very sore now not just the cuts... Thankgod our couch in the livinmg room is a pull out bed.. Makes things much easier.....

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9