Now that I've calmed down a bit....

All techniques and methods of inner development have a common goal. They all aim towards freedom and enlightenment.

I spent the morning trying to rule out the negative, and bring in the light. i.e working. I <3 my job. I <3 my job more than anything.. obviously or I would not of ended up where I am today, having sacrificed my health for my license... I enjoyed spending the morning working on this project, even though the project is non-profit, which I usually despise. At this point I enjoy doing things with which my mind can focus. Focus in on the positive, and rule out the negative... I did however spend the morning in complete agony from the stabbing pain in my stomach and ovaries.. Told my hubbie I was speechless with him.. Still am. Fact he isnt kissing my ass right now is baffling. Only amplifies fact that I allowed my world around me to be about everyone else EXCEPT the one person who matter. ME. i am assuming from the negative energy and constant worry (note to self: talk to therapist tomorrow about this).

I had a dear friend of mine email me and in part of that email was the following(PS I can't figure out WTF why is the font changing?!? *shrug* "but I’m a little worried about how this is affecting you. Perhaps I’m overly concerned but I see a huge amount of underlying anger and that isn’t healthy…"... Is he right? Completely and absolutely 100%... Which is why I am trying to seek the higher power and work on Step 1: Admitting you have no control.. I can be a giver... and give & give and give.. That about me won't change. But what needs to change is the selfishness in my life from other people. I hate selfishness. i can't stand it. I don't understand.. I think that's why my hubbie this morning, and CHOOSING to sleep in a an extra 15 mins instead of meeting me, completely crushed me. Doesn't he think about me sitting there waiting for him? Where was the thought for me in this whole thing? No where.. Acts like this I am not standing for anymore.. Period. It's self-destructive to me, my health & well being.

And so I spent my lunch the following way.
1) Drove home, tried not to kill someone on the way from pure anger
2) Petted my puppies. :D
3) Worked out to bad ass bitch Jillian Michaels. STABBING pain in my upper left hand shoulder blade 5 mins in. I closed my eyes, continues to work out and breatttttttttttttttthed my way through it.
4) Worked on my energy medicine exercises. Amazing...Really healing. Felt flow of energy through out my body. Really getting into this.. I can feel the energy following throughout my body which is an amazing experience. Teacher says I am "stuck" with certain energy fields in my body flooding my areas. One thing in particular is my triple heart warmer i.e fight or flight. 
5) Meditated for the first time in my life. Took 5 mins, put on some Monks chanting in Tibet and just breathed. Every breath I took innnnnnnnnnnn and outttttttttttttttttt I tried to focus my breath on that moment, nothing else. When my mind wandered, I let it go back to the breath.. Towards the end of 5 mins, I could feel the energy flowing through out my body. It was amazing.

And so. I took a lunch FOR ME and my time. I loved it... and quite frankly it's about fucking time.  

Mind, body and working together

Been blogging with some fellow chronic pain peeps, and I have to say I am completely thankful and happy I got the pleasure of connecting with these people... Due to their posts, and my responses & blogging back & forth, I have realized that I need a second opinion... That I need to talk to another OB/GYN who doesnt immediately want to rip out my girlie parts, and call it good. Shall we say "Surgery Happy". Much like button happy with a older person and the computer LOL

So here is my plan. I looked at all the girlie docs in the area (I do live in a small town. By small I mean under 100,000 peeps up in the jeep.)  I researched all the doctors in the area (THANK YOU google maps LOL) and most were "this doc is licensed from blah blah blah and enjoys fishing & playing tennis with his wife... ect.. ect... and than I stumbled across this women who bought the practice from another docot r about 4 years ago or so (nice younger Doctor) and under the "About us" section I read the following..

A D.O. is a physician who, like an M.D., is licensed to prescribe medicine and perform surgery in all 50 states.  D.O. stands for Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine and signifies someone who has graduated from four years of medical school and three to five years of residency.  D.O.'s may practice in any area of medicine from primary care to neurosurgery.

How are D.O.'s Different ?D.O.'s are different than M.D.'s because they attend osteopathic medical schools,  where the philosophy is holistic, focusing on the whole person rather than just their symptoms.  Osteopathic medicine emphasizes disease prevention through diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle.  D.O.'s receive extra training in osteopathic manipulative medicine (OMM), a physical skill used to diagnose and treat problems with the muscles, bones and nerves.  OMM can be used to treat problems ranging from headaches to pelvic pain.  With the addition of OMM to the traditional skill set, D.O.'s offer the most comprehensive care in medicine today.

Granted I am not having any joint pain, BUT this means that the doctor is willing to treat the WHOLE body and not just rip out parts and through me under the knife again.  My plan is to discuss with her various treatment options for myself for heavy periods and also discuss the possiblty of IUD for birth control prevention and also for my general well being. Let's call old Doc... hmmmmmm Doc McHappySuregon saw me was I was on depo for 8+ years, and obviously my body was deciding that it had had enough. So he put me on MORE hormones via hormonal supplements ON TOP of the depo and my body completely fell apart.. Looking back at it, I think it was the beginning of my body "Out of Zen" aka fucking out of wack... So Doc McHappySurgeon took me off all my hormones, and life was great for awhile, and THAN wam all my supposed "bowel endometerosis" symptoms came back and he told me I needed surgery, to which I told him there had to be other otpions.... Waited all summer, massive & burning inflammation came back & he told me I have no other choice.. I even went home to my hubbie and said "We have no other choice." When one of the best surgeons in the country tells you that, you listen."

Flash forward to now, and I remember having conversations with him about the IUD and how it could benefit me potentially. It also could have opposite effect, but hey you only know if you try right?!?!? People with endo shouldn't have IUDs... fair enough. But I just spent $4,000 OUT of pocket for someone to tell my endo for when I was younger had not returned. So BAM let's rule that out.... So second opinion much sought after.... and after the feelings of rage and being cheated my Doc McHappySurgeon, I have refocused and gathered my thoughts... So step one : Find new doctor we like <3

Step two: Body & Mind. So I was researching girlie to switch to, and I came across a Doctor who works in an area called Energy Medicine. I started to read up on the practicing of it, and I firmly believe it can be of some benefit to me. I have aways said that my body is completely out of harmony with each other... Its always fighting and raging war on other parts of my body.. Exhausting.... I started Acupuncture about 4 weeks ago, and did the first standard 3/week and now awaiting my next one next week. I personally have noticed some benefits to acupuncture in "harmonizing" my body. My inflammation on my behind has gone down, and for the last 2 days I have been able to work out. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! So I am game to try finding the correct energy in my body.  Appointment is this Friday :D Kind of cool. Check out the 9 primary energy systems and to me it toally makes sense how if one if out of wack, the rest will follow...

I did yoga today at lunch. Breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. <3 me some yoga. Thank god to, cause one more person pissed me off I was going to snap.. All ready yelled at my best friend and hubbie this morning... Period started.. isnt my fault. Stop pissing me off. I could feel how out of wack my body was... Moves I could hold for minutes before, now I shake greatly trying level one. Shows how out of harmony and zen my body got just from prior surgery & post surgery recovery. Birkam yoga is on my list, HOWEVER need to get strength & stamina back!!!
Hokay gotta run and get some work done.... Lots to do :D More to say, but not enough time for today....

NAMASTA *nods*




Energy Medicine