I'm stuck.. and I want to be unstuck.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

I am sick of being "stuck". I am stuck in a world of hurt, and I cant seem to move past it. No it isn't physical hurting, it is emotional hurting. I am stuck with the scars that Dr. Redwine left me reminding me every time i shower or got o the bathroom, of the painful surgery I endured, the emotional pain prior and the emotional pain after. I think of my ex-best friend who decided to humiliate and embarrass me in front of my old friends, and make a public scene out of it. I think of the friends I have lost, and the people I miss. I think of the money I have to spend to make up for this surgery which did nothing. I think of the pain and humiliation I suffered at the hands of others. I think of pain. If I stop thinking for a minute, I am consumed by pain. And quite frankly, I am sick of being stuck in this emotional pain. I am sick of crying every day, and being on the verge of pain. I am sick of being stuck. I miss the confident, loud and happy fun loving me. I miss the sexual being I use to be. I miss me, and quite frankly "me" has been gone since the middle of Sept. So for New years, I have opted to think of the following. As 2011 approaches, I think of what a whirlwind 2010 has been. So instead of making a resolution, I am just going to let go. Take in the good, and remember what is, is just that. It is. The only way to move forward, is to let go & stop being stuck.

I will remember the smart women I am. I will remember the obstacles I faced with passing my license, and I will remember how hard I have work at my job to become the business women I am. I will remember how I love to flirt and be sexual, and how I feel good about myself both inside and outwardly. If I don't feel good on the inside, than I will try and feel goof on the outside like my grandpa always said. I will remember on days where I hurt, that the hurt is temporary and that it will go away. I will remember to trust in people, and trust in the goodness of what friends and family do. I remember that sometimes in life, people come in and out of your life, and there were there for a reason, but sometimes we don't always know the reason. I will stand tall for the person I am, and the person I didn't let her make me in to. I will remember the good in life. I will remember how just because one doctor violated my trust, doesn't mean all doctors will. I will believe in the good of doctors, and why they became doctors. That not all doctors are there to hurt you, and sometimes in life you get taken advantage of, and its how one deals with it, hat shows true character. I will rise above the hurt, and move forward. I will remember the good, learn from the bad and cherish the loved.

I will find a healing power in something to cover the scars. I will find something to remind me of me, and the power & strength inside of me, not the scars which show a weaker side of me. I will find something which when I shower or use restroom, I find power in, not weakness. Much like Captial Planet and the power earth, wind, fire and water rings, I will find some thing which to me means strength and power, not weakness. I am done feeling weak. I am done feeling taken advantage of.

I am going through my office, and cleaning out my office. I am cleaner up the papers, and making files for things like pay stubs and health items. I am recycling health claims from over one year ago, and letting go of all the pain from Dr. Redwine. I am recycling the appeals letter, and letter I wrote to Dr. Redwine. It is saved in a safe place, and it will always be there if need be, but it is time to tuck it away. Just like I went through my facebook page, and deleted all old comments, tags and photos of an old friend who took advantage of my weaknesses, and showed them to the world. I will use the pain as a reminder of how sometimes people are just evil people, and their intentions are never good, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I am going to find my center again with the gym & yoga, and I will remember that i am working out for me, and no one else. I will find strength in the power of me. I think this says it best, I willl find strength in me. It's time to stop being stuck. This may not happen overnight, but the feeling of powerlessness has to go away. It's time to let go.

sometimes.. a smile is just hard

I don't know if it is the post weather blues, or if it is the holidays or what. But every time I turn around, I am just saddened. Seems as though things keep seeming to let me down. I am on a roller coaster and I want the fuck off. My body is In a tailspin of confusion starting with my "cycle" (use term loosely since I am on IUD) so I probably should call it shedding, not cycle. So anyways, that start last week and I got this awful cold on Christmas. It started the night before, to which I just thought I was having an allergy attack, and it turns out my nose is like a faucet and leaking like a seave. I was drugged on allergy meds and painkillers for most of Christmas, turns out it wasn't everything I thought it would be and more. I just felt like crap. I guarantee you if any of my family members where as sick as I was, they would be whining and bitching, but I sucked it up. I just generally have been down this week or so. I feel very emotionally exhausted. Lot of things have happened in the last montt or so, and I find myself an emotional wreck, since I am having a hard time being strong... I am just emotionally exhausted and well my heart hurts. It has been quite the ride this last few months with SO MANY things going on both personally and through work. I think mentally I am just done with 2010. Bring on 2011.

I have gained 10lbs. Which I am finding out from most people this is a good thing, apparently I look "better" with 10lbs on me. Somehow I beg to differ with them. At 5'7" and weighing 125ish this summer, I will admit that i was getting a little worried about being slender, and bones, but I felt good (for the most part) and damnit for the first time EVER in life I could rock a bikini and be happy about it. I felt good. Which people don't seem to get that. Granted I am a size 4 still, and I can still wear the same clothes, but I think I just have put some junk in the trunk and also some on the sides, which I guess is a good thing. But I am having a hard time with it. I don't feel tone, and I FEEL like I weigh a lot more and it bugs me. I Don't like feeling bloated majority of the time, which is how I feel. However I know that come busy season, and the Lake trip coming up in May, I will be back on the work-out/toning trip soon.