Nope.... no babies here!

Letting your defenses down and allowing someone to get close to you can make you feel very vulnerable. When a trusted person hurts you, its easy to put your barriers back up to stop future pain. But when you put up your barriers, you block more than pain, you also block future opportunities of happiness and contentment. When you try to protect your fragile self, people may call you cold and distan...t when in fact you are so fragile inside that you are scared you may break. Allowing someone into your heart is scary and can be painful but the more barriers you take down, the stronger you become. Remember, when someone hurts you, it doesn't make you a bad person. It is their karma, not yours. True happiness and love can only be found outside of yourself when you first learn to love what is inside. You are not as fragile as you think, your soul is eternal and your life force is the essence of the universe itself. Let down your defenses and allow the world to see how truly wonderful you are.

I'm so exhausted..I keep saying this, but I am... My heart hurts and realizing that someone you have loved for years, really isn't that person, is completely devstating. I think the worst part, is he is so emotionaless, and I am so not.. It's a struggle when you are a feeler, and someone who has been sick for so long, and just want to enjoy life, and you are with someone who doesn't. I think he needs someone to take care of, like a child. He himself has said this, and I wish he would truely explore that. I feel that he needs something to make him feel his exisitence, and I just need to wake up every day and be functional. He needs something to make him feel, and I feel every damn day. The struggle is in talking to him, he just wont think for himself. Fuck take some time to yourself and go think about what you want. FIND YOUR FUCKING YOURSELF... I don't understand. I dont understand how someone could wake up every day, and just go through the motions of life. How dreams and hope aren't something that dont guide them. I am completely fucking lost.

Here is the issue with kids. See I can't just decide I want to get pregrant. IF and WHEN the time comes, I have to yank out my IUD (which not looking forward to) and I have to go off my chemo (i.e auto-immune supressing drugs), which I dont even know if I can. I am basically signing myself up for time of hell and sickness, and I AM NOT READY to be there again. It's only been a year since I have started to maintain a certain level of healthiness, I am not ready to go back. I am not ready to sign myself up for more pain... The only person that can understand this, is me... People think they can, but truely the feelings reside within me. I am the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and fuck that. I am not ready.

Health Assessment. Bahaha

Hahahahah according to my medical insurance "health assessment" I am a 98/100 which means I am in perfect health. Bahahahahahahahahaha. Right.. Total perfect health.. But than I started to think about it.. and technically I guess I am. But I guess sometimes what you can't see, you don't know about. My blood pressure is awesome, my cholesterol and HDL are money.... in "theory" I am the perfect picture of health... Sure.. Maybe. But take away all the medications which I have to take to keep me "functioning".... how much is really left?! Am I really a perfect picture of health?!? hahahaha. Whatever.. Friends of mine last night where talking about how long they want to live.. One friend said 60's (no surprise and he probably wont live past 60's) and another friend said 100. In my head I was thinking about all the meds I take, my liver, if I can ever go off these meds and this nagging cough which I have.. Either smoking induced or from ya know.. the chemo meds I am on.. and how they fuck up your lungs.. Awesomeness. Sometimes I wonder.. and than I remember that I don't want to think about it. I just want to live... I just want to wake up everyday and bring what the new day has in store. I just want to breathe & live what life I do have. I have no idea how long I will live for, but I do know it fucking wont be 100. IF I do... they should sign me up for medical studies because I don't know how I can possibly live that long.. My liver and kidneys HAVE to hate me.... Ever seen Steel Magnolias? Yea well this movie always makes/made me ball my fucking head off like a little bitch... I always wondered if it was a view into the future.. Like somehow that might happen to me.. Life is funny. You never know what you are going to get till you wake up that morning.

Blarg Mondays

"Your body is designed to heal itself." ~ Donna Eden

So I made commitment to myself that I would watch what I eat, when I eat and how much. The last few Mondays for me have been absolute hell, and I thought it was just because it was Monday. Well this last week I made sure to watch myself, and I only ate a cookie and some fried won-tons last night. I am pretty proud of myself for this, as I had a party at our house this weekend, and good foods was everywhere. I have to say that today, I feel pretty stinking good. Which goes to show you that I really just don't have the luxury of most people, and while some of my health habits are health motivated, ultimately my body rules, and I gotta watch myself. Sucks yes. But it is what it is.

In my world, when you can find something that tastes amazing, and you can eat it & incorporate it into like "normal" food, it's pretty exciting. I went to Costco this weekend for our BBQ, and came across these little wonders Terra Sweet Potato Chips. I was hoping that they would be good. I mean I use to love potato chips, and have been craving a substitute every since. I tried the rice crackers and such, but honestly most aren't even fit for birds. Tried to give some to my dog once, ya he wouldn't even eat them. SO when I saw these chips at Costco, it was like a light shined down on them. I was so excited. I busted open the bag AND YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! So yummy. So delicious and sooooooooooooooo good for you!!!! THANK YOU TERRA!!!!

I SURVIVED!!!!

Welp today is the final day of my busy season and god damnit I MADE IT!!!! This is the first time in 6 years at my job, that I can wake up in the morning and know that I can survive this job health wise and make it through. This is the first time IN the history of my job where I made it through with a surgery, threat of a surgery or even feeling like one is needed. In the grand scheme of things, this is a huge day for me!!!! One I never thought would happen, but also one I never gave up hope that would happen. It feels amazing and so happy on the inside and out...

Jilly, Wiggle & Figgle

I rocked me some Jillian Michaels today. Figured out where those extra 10lbs have gone. Yep, when I did jumping jacks, I could feel my stomach, thighs and booty a jiggling. GOD SUCH A MOTIVATION.. Most people would get depressed, but I think how hard I have to fight for everything I do, and this only ads to it. I am mentally tapped with my busy season hitting the 4 weeks window. I am mentally, physically and emotionally wrecked. Tapped out. I miss my life. I'm not trying to sound whiny by any means, but I am just stating. I know this affects my health, and thus far I think I am holding my own... Hells, my doctor bill for the first time since I can remember are actually knocking down each month, not adding up for tons of hundreds of dollars. It's an odd feeling to me. Its like being on a sinking ship, that you once knew had a hole in it, and cost thousands to repair.. You keep expecting the hole to resurface, even though you had it fixed!!!!

Haven't smoked this week. Fuck I want to. Been to the gym every day this week, and haven't eaten cheese since my sloth day on Sunday. Again, fuck I want to.  Hit cardio/abs Monday, AMAZING yoga yesterday and Jillian whopped my as in 30 day shred. I also ordered the new 2011 30 day shred she put out + her 6 weeks to better abs. I will start next week I think...

Taco night is tonight. Which shall be a good test of me. I am tryng to think of my figgle faggle belly and how cheese really truly affects me. Good snack when have no other choices yes, but see the thing with me is I can't just say no to one. It's much like pringles chips. With anything in my life, I can't just do one. I can't do one tattoo, one degree, one horse, one best friend lost, one cat, one husband (I love my second one, I am good BTW), ONE ANYTHING. I can't just do one. I always want to to know... seeking.. learning.. ANYTHING I can't just do one. I am constantly seeking and constantly trying to see what is out there. Hell you only live once.  Much like my tattoo's. Spent 30 years of my life tattoo free, why not spend the next 30 years with something different.

yo yo

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

Smoke-free- I don't count in days anymore... 95% of the time I am, win.

So where to start....

Monday was my doctors appt with my surgeon who took all the blood work from me in the week prior to try and see if I had a blood clotting disease or disorder. Guess what?!? They all came back normal of course. Than the doc informed me that i needed a hysterectomy, or my pain wouldn't subside. Than he informed me that I was allowing mother nature to decide for me if I wanted to have kids or not?!? WTF? seriously.. Dude I am 31. I am not 41. Pissed me off a little. So I gathered my thoughts and politely put the knife that was stabbed in my heart back into the place it came from, and asked him about pain management. Would he oblige me in pain management for the next little while... until I could figure out a plan... He agreed... Asked if I needed more meds. I was like JESUS!!! no!! (He gave me 60 Darvocet and 25 Valium + an extra prescription 4 weeks ago.. IF I had taken all that. Holy crap I wouldn't even be functional!!!!)

I am so fucking sick of people pressuring me with children. I am so sick at having to make this decision at 31 if I want to have kids, should I have them now and if not, do I yank out the one womanly right that us women have?!? Well besides the awful periods... which I honestly don't know if I would still have those.... hmmmm. Still ovaries but no uterus. Where would that leave me!?!? Again, MORE fucking questions. I am so sick of questions.. So sick of being sick... So annoyed with women who think getting pregnant is the end all of end all, and somehow because I don't know if I can give birth, that somehow converts into the fact that  I don't want to have children... Somehow I find myself plagued by the bitterness of these omwne who "judge" me when they met me and are puzzled why I don't have kids.. Goes to show you, that you NEVER know the battle someone is facing, so you should always respect their privacy AND smile. It could just make their day!!!

So far now my hubbie and I have agreed to take it one day at a time and not worry about kids for now. Whatever happens happen, and Right now kids or ripping out my uterus (dude its a BODY ORGAN) isn't happening. Trying to enjoy each other and the time we do have. Enjoy life. Enjoy everything we can down to the simple things... I am going try and regain my strength and stamina as quickly as I can without hurting myself... Sure I still hurt. Sure I wish the pain would go away. Sure I wish the surgery fixed everything. But it's here to stay, all I can do is adjust and no it didn't fix anything... So for now. Live. Laugh. Love.