Kicking my own ass!

The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they'll ease
Your will they'll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
~Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields, What the River Knows, 1990

Welp this weekend I realized how much of a slave I am AGAIN to smoking, and I am so sick of it. I am such an interlligent and smart women, and it baffles me how I got sucked back in the trap. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell my husband he was right LOL It's such a silly AND ADDICTIVE habit. I was watching Celebrity rehab last night with hubbie, and Dr. Drew was talking about surrendering to the addicition and realizing that you DON'T have control over it. The control that you have, is over saying no and making a life without it. I fimilarly believe that nictoine is JUST as hard of a drug to quit as heroine, excpet its socially acceptable (for the most part) and its sooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard and such a battle. I was chating with my friend who is 5 months smoke free (except 2 relaspes to which she had a serious hangover the next day) and I was giving her the "reason" why I let it slip back into my life. Her response "there is always a reason". My response was none, I didnt have one. And So I thought over the next few days.. and you know. She is right. God I hate all these people being right around me!!!! It's such a mind fuck and someone that has never smoked, will never understand. And someone that has smoked, will completely understand. And so nictoine I surrender to your power. I have none over you. So in turn, I will regain my power over you because utliatemly the mind fuck is under my control. I just need to find it again.

Went to the gym today, and honestly first time I have hit the elliptical and always strength training since well, I cant remember when.. HOW SAD IS THAT?!?!? I devoted all this time and energy to work and working 11+ hours a day for the season, I totally forgot about myself. Let me tell you, my body has been screaming for it lately. The little voices that tell my to smoke & "it's OK" are the same evil little voices which tell me that it's ok to not go to the gym, and work through lunch. NO IT ISN'T OK!!!!! So I hit the elliptical for 30ish minutes (sweated my ass off) and than while reading Men's Health Magazine (shout out!) I found this poster on killer bellys (which is totally my weak area since I have delt with bloating my whole life until recently, so when I work out, I LOVE to see that 6 pack abs prior to Dr. Greedy's surgery, so god dammit I am getting them back!!!!) and I rocked 9 out of the 10 exercises. See men magazines are 1) why cooler because they have real life shit in them 2) are about drama and gossip 3) quite frankly I think I am a dude LOL Anyways, so I rocked the abs workout, and let me tell you. HOLY WORKOUT!!! Seriously men's magazine for the win!!!

Weighed myself in at 136. Sure totally healthy and acceptable for 5'7" BUT I am out of shape and get winded easily. I have zero tone in my body, and THIS KILLS ME. I don't like the way I feel on the inside. I don't feel sexy and I don't feel like myself. And so, it's time to fund this again. I would like to weigh between 125-128 in the next 4-6 weeks & redefine my tone again, and god damnit I will. It has nothing to do with weight, and everything to do with confidence and HOW I FEEL on the inside.

Felt AMAZING to work out again, it in and of it's self is a drug. I thought about the runs I went on last summer, walking the butte, walking my dog, riding my horse through the field, jumping my horse, walking the butte with my dog and ALL THESE AMAZING things I love and addicted to. This the feeling I have been missing. This is what I love. THIS is what I should become re-addicted to!!!! I think I lost track of those things. Understandability but not acceptable. And SO, TODAY I BEGIN MY QUEST BACK TO ME!!!!!