Trying to process it all.....

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

Went to go see the doctor... Everyone told me that doctors know best, and that I should wait for the appointment to come next week. But being that I have spent the last 16 years of my life dealing with doctors, surgeries, appointments and generally the chase to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my body, I have since learned when doctors feel as though they have reached an end point. So I went and saw my endometriosis doctor. Yep, a tiny tiny tiny spot, one which he didnt even remove was found. So basically, I don't have endometriosis. Awesome. More scars for something which I have no answer for.  He showed me the pics tat he took while under the knife. My bladder shows all inflammed blood vessels. I even could see how many blood vessels where present. Than he showed me something which I am not sure how to deal with, and the only cure for it is a hysterectomy It's a distant cousin to endo and its called Adenomyosis, http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636. Yea pretty much my uterus looks like a giant red hot mess with giant lumps on it. Awesome. I am 31 years old, and now somehow I have reached the point that I may lose the chance of every having kids. Do I try? Do I try and struggle through the pain? WTF DO I DO?!?!?!? Oh, I forgot the second part. I could have a blood disorder where my blood doesn't clot, and than I get the joy of traveling 3 hours to a specialist to try and treat the disease. Awesome.

No one understands. No one understands the incredible amount of strength and courage that it takes to sit there for the umpteenth time being told well you dont have this.... or you might have this... blah... My sister was kind enough to come with me, she took notes. She asked why I didnt, i said at some point, you brain just starts processing things in a different way than someone being told for the first time that they are not healthy. Its a weird mind set. I have amazing supportive people in my life, and right now I just need to process this all. Sometimes I think it isn't fair, than I remember when I was 15 being told I has an inoperative tumor in my sinus cavity in my brain, and there was nothing they could do about it.... Some point, you start looking at life in a different way. Some point the possibility of death no longer scares you. The possiblity of living your life in pain is no longer a possibility, it is your life. 

Some point you begin to shut down to people's problems in life and their trivial bullshit tat they deal with. Ooooooooo you have a headache... fucking deal with it. Oooooooooo you had to spend $20 for an office co-pay. STFU I just spent $15,000+ for  surgery that ruled out something, and didnt cure anytime. oooooooo you hate your job. Fucking suck it up. Oooooooooo you dont wanna exercise today because you are tried. STFU. People take their health for granted every fucking single day of their life. Fact of the matter is you don't understand what living in chronic pain is till you live it.... I'll get over it, and this too I will battle through and make the best of it. I always do. The amount of will I have to never give up is amazing... Sometimes I don't even know where it comes from.... 

I didn't smoke today... When I was sitting at the doctors office I thought about saying fuck it all. It isn't worth it. But than that would be weak, and I am NOT a weak person. I went to the library and got some books on cooking with chicken and fish, and I am going to try and eat less red meat. I am going to eat well balanced meals, and try to plan everything out. I  WILL NOT LET MY BODY DEFINE ME.... I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. Asked doctor about working out, and getting back to well being me. He told me to do whatever I think i can do. Fact is I am more in tune with my body than 99% of the people out there.... I give myself one day to take it all in and feel "pity" for myself. It usually lasts 3 hours or so, than I formulate a pain and move on. Move forward. Today the hide-a-bed goes up in the living room, the "sick" things are going away in my house as of 5:00 today. Monday I go back to work. I am resuming my life. I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME.....