Who has a case of the Mondays?!?

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

It's Monday. Blah.
I had an amazingly stressful week last week, and Saturday was no exception. I worked, worked, worked and worked some more. Sunday was AMAZING as my husband was out of town, and I was able to spend the day doing errands and getting shit done. I took my yellow lab with me, and we ran around the town getting shit done that I couldn't get done all week!!!! Than hubbie came home, and we enjoyed a yummy homemade Chicken Piccata, made for my special food needs (i.e rice noodles and bean flour) and it was rocking delicious!!! Than we hunkered down for movie (Red it was meh) and spent the night together. It was a good Sunday.

Dr. Redwine sent me a letter, explaining that our relationship was terminated. Well DUH!!! I will try and scan in the letter when I have a chance. So generic and so him. *blah* I think I would deserve more than one sentence standard letter. Its really a shame that he gets away with peoples money like he does and doesn't offer alternatives... I admit he has helped lots of women, but for women like me, he scared the shit out of me and I got cut open for nothing. Only plus side was it was the last straw for me, and from now on, if I don't leave a doctors office feeling better, than I don't go back. My health care is just that, MY health care!!! Also, I am going to get a tattoo over one of my scars, I would like to cover them both, but I think one symbol would be symbolic enough ;-) I am thinking of this book a BFF gave me 8years ago, and it is called "Of women and horses" and it is absolutely amazing and breathtaking. SO I am thinking that I can take the book to the tattoo artist, and say, hey can you draw a horse in this format for me to go on my lower ab area?!?

My IUD is still there.. I think a had a "period" which consisted of some moments (by moments I mean like 1hr) of some heavier spotting, I wouldn't even call it bleeding, and some intense cramps for maybe an hour or so... I am hoping next month will be even better!!! This is only month 2 of the IUD, and so far the benefits out weight the cons. Plus sex with hubbie without condoms is awesome and I am less inflamed from not using the condoms. It';s pretty nice to have sex at the spur of the moment, and also to not be doubled over in pain the next day!!!

No yoga to report :( With my awful virus which all most caused pneumonia my body has been doing two things work and sleeping. Slept 12hrs on Saturday night instead of going out and partying my ass off, and it was NICE! I awoke on Sunday morning feeling refreshed and amazing!!!!

I also would like to point out that one more day in January, and I have successfully made it through Jan 2011 without any major surgeries, threats of surgeries or major health problems!!!!! Yea Yea!!!!!

Remebering who I am.

I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness, and greed.-Dalai Lama-

Welp I haven't written in awhile, because 3 weeks tomorrow, I came down with a 101/102 fever, and couldn't shake it for 4 days. Than I came down with a wicked cough, and thought I was healing. Cough wouldn't go away though, so I fought it as I am working 10+hrs a day, and quite frankly I don't have time to be sick. My hubbie had enough, and told me I had no choice, it was time to go to the doctor. So I did. Doc did an X-Ray to make sure my lungs weren't totally pneumonia ridden, and they came out clean. However he is worried, that if I don't take care of myself than I will become really ill with pneumonia. So I went on some heavy duty anti-botics (I don't know the name since i am allergic to like 90% of drugs out there for this, so its like $10 a pill and I only take it once a day. it makes me VERY sleepy and drowsy. Now here is the key, to kick the infection BEFORE my bdy reacts to the meds. Tomorrow is day 4. Doc said I need to go 5, hopefully 10. But 5 at the minimum. So COME ON body, you only got 1 more day!!! I am writing this under the influence of Codeine cough syrup and ambien, so my grammar may not be that well.

My IUD is doing well. I "think" I am having period symptoms, bleeding and cramping. All though it isn't really a period, as much as it is that my body is trying to level out. However these cramps usually come out of nowhere, and kick my ass for only the time being they show up. It's weird. Hubbie reminded me that this is on 2 month mark for the IUD, and I reminded him how sorry I am how unpredictable it has been. We try and have sex when we can, but in between this narely 3 weeks cough, and unpredictability of my IUD, it makes it hard. I told him no matter how much I had to drug myself tomorrow, it was going to happen!!! So far the pain has gone down and so has the bloating. My headaches have gotten better and I think when things level out, it will be worth it all in the end. I can see why most women end up yanking these out before they really get the full effect, as must women's pain threshold is pretty low, and well I am one patient bitch.... ;-)

When you are patient, and you are constantly sick, you see your friends and people you know in pain (either emotionally or physically) you cant help but want to help them. Its a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn't been chronically ill. You want to help people, you have a big caring heart, and you want to help your friends & the people that you love. When you are chronically ill, you want to help your friends, because not only does it take you mind off your illness, but it makes you not think about how much pain you are in. Quite honestly the last few months have been hard. people mistaking my good heart for something other than just that. it;s hard and makes me want to withdraw even father from people. I have a friend who says I am her best friend, which to her I might be, but the realty of it all is that she knows nothing about me... She asks me every once and awhile how I am, but its generic. She doesn't know how my IUD is. She doesn't ask how me and hubbie are, or even know my horses names. I find this true for majority of my friends, it seems pretty one sided,. I am always trying to be a friend and a good person, and maybe I let people in and than close them out. My fiends dont know my cats names or my horses names. They don't know how my sister is making her way in business or how I am making my way into taking over the family business. They don't know that my mo have very painful fibromaylgia or how my ex-best friend broke every being in my heart, and when it comes down to it, do they really know me?!?!? They cant name the things that are important to me, besides my health issues. Maybe this is my fault, I don't know. But I don't know I am sick of being hurt & my intentions being mistaken for something other than pure heart. I think its time to focus in on me, and want I what.... This summer I really want to accomplish some goals for myself with my horses, and I am doing for me, and just me and no one else. There is nothing more amazing than riding your horse  through the country side and bonding with an animal. To me, these are the relationships I need to focus on. I use to be this way, before I got sick, and my sickness owned me. It';s time for me to remember me.

I love me some yoga...

Work is stressful right now, and with this 101/102 fever for 4 days earlier in the week, my body is to the max. I am trying to install new billing software for our firm, and so far its been a fucking nightmare. So my pelvic pain is flaring back up, and I need to learn to control it. Think of it as a infection, and that's the way it feels. Like a constant tense muscle. So I went to my yoga class today, I thought I would try a a new style, and I tried Sivananda. Wasn't sure what to expect from this, so I gave it a whirl. I enjoyed it. The teacher has an amazing voice, and the class slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd things down a little bit. She sings/chants for part of it, and I love how it makes you slow down and just breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Going to try and add this to my weekly routine, because somewhow my crisis I left at work, seem less crisisy when I came back and is now getting solved ;-)

Check yourself before your wreck yourself....

1. Don't wish for perfect health. In perfect health, there is greed and wanting. So an ancient said, " Make good medicine from the suffering of sickness." 2. Don't hope for life without problems. An easy life results in a judgmental and lazy ind. So an ancient once said, "Accept the anxieties and difficulties of this life". 3. Don't expect your practice to be clear of obstacles. Without hindrances the mind that seeks enlightenment may be burnt out. So an ancient once said, "Attain deliverance in disturbances". Zen Master Kyong Ho [ 1849-1912], in Thousand Peaks 

Life is good. I am happy. Things are going well. Sure I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but I try and keep them in check. I try and always remember the thing that matters the most: me. It is nt a selfish saying in saying that, but it is what matters. I have to keep myself in check, I am the one who has to deal with it if my body crashes and I lose check with myself. This is the busy time of year for me, and last year at this time, I had all ready met my deductible for my health insurance, and was sliding down a slope of potential surgiers to come. I was in and out of doctors offices trying to find a solution to my inflammation of my bladder. My pain I was having in my pelvic area, and it was awful. It was so horrible. I spent the whole busy season in pain, and suffering at the time in the silence, because I didn't want to worry my parents or my family, so I went through the motions and did my job. 2011 will be different. I carry my stress in my pelvic area, and I have to keep this in check. Hell it has been different. I am numero uno. I have to keep myself in check, and I have to make sure that my body is getting what it needs. I have to keep my body in balance and in harmony. I have to keep me. 

Flu :(

Friday night I was feeling pretty blah, but yet I stil managed to hut the gym. My chest sort of felt like it was on fire, as I could not run. But I just figured it wasn't something awful. Well I woke up Saturday morning with a 101 fever and awful burning in my chest. Thankfully I popped some Mucinex DM Friday night, to get a jump on my chest congestion, and thankfully it helped. I spent all weekend flat out on the couch and sleeping. My fever seemed to stay around 101. Last night, it went down to 99, but this morning as I try to disinfect the house for my poor hubbie, it spiked back up. Sucks, I worked so hard last week to get some things done at the office, and than today I couldn't get them finalized because I have a damn fever!!!! Argggggggggggggh so annoying. But I guess that's how colds go. I cant get a flu shot, because it sends m body into a tail spin. People with Auto-Immune problems shouldn't get them. Most people don't know this, but flu shots are awful for our bodies.

My pelvic area has been pretty up and down, but I think this is expected with my flu I have since it seems that my body holds a lot of its stress in my digestion/pelvic area. I have had some mild cramping & pain, but again I think this is related to my flu. Not to worried about it.

Headed to the library today. I hope! Ah shit, I hope they aren't closed today for MLK day. Guess I should call them. I want to start a 3-day detox diet every 2 weeks, but I want some more guidance in this area. I have a friend on facebook who ever Monday goes through his personal trainers detox, and I think for my body it would be a great idea. Help to reduce bloating and generally my body's sense of well being.

Well this exhausted me, so I think its time for a nap.

I am happy, healthy and me!

Life is not merely to be alive, but to be well.  ~Marcus Valerius Martial

I had my Ayurveda class this weekend, and I have to say it was worth the $20 for it. Good people and good class. The instructor had a very warming voice and she had studied all over the world. While I learned a lot, I think the most valuable things that I learned were:
1) I need to stay away from Birkam yoga. For someone like me (Pitta/Vata), I needed grounded & I need to have grounding. Going to a class like Birkam, would be a hot/moist environment, and this is something I need to stay away from
2) I need to be grounded. I need something in my life every day that is the same. While I love my crazy busy life, someone with my personality trait needs something grounding in my life. i.e working out or the yoga. If I cant make yoga, I need the gym. It grounds me.
3) Try and eat a meal (as I sit and eat at my desk LOL) once a day, without doing anything else. I think this is a good idea, and while it might be hard I am willing to try it. Hubbie also shared in liking the idea, so I am hoping that will help to motivate me to follow through.

I was thinking yesterday, about how this time last year I was soooooooooooooo sick and about ready to head into surgery for my eyes, for yet AGAIN. I was also than thinking how heading in my busy time at work, about how I continued to be in pain for the rest of the busy season, and didn't find any relief till after the busy season and I started the chemo meds. Crazy to think how far I have come, but at the same tine very heart warming. If I can make it through this busy season, this will be the first time I have done so without thousands in medical bills coming out of it. I am trying my hardest to continue along the path of healing. I am going to acupuncture once a month, yoga as much as I can (I need to try and get 3-4 practices in a week) and the gym to supplement my grounding.

I am happy. I am healthy and I am healing. It feels amazing ;-)

Eye of the Storm

SUPER SWAMPED right now... And so, I leave a great link to an article about finding calm in this every so stressful world.

“There is no noise in the world.
There is no peace in the Himalayas.
Both are within you.”

How to Find Quiet Amidst Chaos

Yoga- My modern medicine

Today in yoga class with bad ass instructor who played Pink Floyd at the end of 2010(I knew I loved her than!!!) we worked don the 3rd eye, which is the "feeling" part of the body. They believe it is female, and it is 100% about emotions.  Better describe in Wikipedia as "The third eye (also known as the inner eye) is a mystical and esoteric concept referring in part to the ajna (brow) chakra in certain Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It is also spoken of as the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness. In New Age spirituality, the third eye may alternately symbolize a state of enlightenment or the evocation of mental images having deeply personal spiritual or psychological significance. The third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance (which includes the ability to observe chakras and auras),^[1] precognition, and out-of-body experiences. " Bad ass instructor went on to say that all to often in life, we get caught up in the 3rd eye, and the emotions, and forgetting that they are just that, emotions. She talked about how we need to open up our body to the 3rd eye, but be careful to not let it rule us. As we were settling into the practice, and warming our bodies up (as she says " become present here and now") I had tears once again stream from my face. All though this time they were tears of being, I wouldn't say sadness or upset like "letting go" of something, I just felt like I was feeling, and for once in my life, I was ok with it. I can't describe it, I just felt this sense of like everything was going to be ok. Haven't felt that way in a long time.. Always feel unsettled and not knowing where things are going. I have to say this New Year, came without drama and with love from people we are blessed to be surrounded by. It's very peaceful and blissful, and something I plan on fully exploring in 2011. For yoga is my new doctor ;-)

A dream sometimes isnt just a dream....

I awoke with morning to a weird feeling of panic.. I couldn't figure out why, and I rolled over to come to, and realized it was because of my dream. I spent the night dreaming, (use the word loosely as I am not sure I would call it a dream) about Thailand. Except this time, it was my hero Doc, Doc Stevens sending me to Thailand for an experimental eye treatment, to help as a last ditch effort with my eyes. The dream went through planning everything with my family to my passport. i was to meet an athletic team in Thailand, and watch some team play. I went through the motions of planning the trip and what was to happen... See this dream is scary for me, because when I was 15, my parents sent me to Thailand, as I was really sick. I was full of experimental medications and I had a migraine for 3 months. I missed out on school, and I was in so much pain. I remember the doctors telling me that I had a cavity in my sinuses which was filled with fluid, and they couldn't determine what caused it. See they couldn't operate on me, and they basically knew nothing... So, my parents sent me to Thailand with my sister, cousin and grandpa. We were to go see my uncle and aunt who  lived in Thailand. He is a teacher and at the time taught at AIT (Asian institute of technology). I don't remember much about the trip in all honesty, I was pumped so full of meds. I do remember the following. I had gotten sick, and most of my family remember it as me getting traveling flu, but I remember feeling like I was going to die. My body felt like it was literally rejecting me..Everyone went on this elephant ride, and i was to busy throwing up violently. I was watching soccer on Thai tv, and I stumbled outside. I saw this spirit house... and I remember this spirit floating out of it, and into me. I remember this moment of I will not let this define me, and I will not this get me down... 16+ years ago, and I still remember exactly what it looked like. See it was the spirit that scared me life..I will forever remember this moment as the day which saved my life... It's weird to have a dream with current situations, as I have never had this happen before to me. It sort of shock my sole to the core...And so I awake this morning, to be thankful I can flash forward 16 years, and still be alive and kicking... However I will never let that haunting feeling go, of the day I all most died...

In keeping up with the yoga studies and classes I enjoy, I stumbled upon a class this Saturday on something called Ayurveda. It is a class offered on the weekend, which discusses this acent philosopy. I started to read up on it, and got pretty excited to take the class. It discusses how the body and energy work together, to help form our energies. Pretty cool. Check it out! Ayurveda is grounded in a metaphysics of the "five great elements" (Devanāgarī: [महा] पञ्चभूत;Prithvi- earth, Aap-water, Tej-fire, Vaayu-air and Akash-ether)—all of which compose the Universe, including the human body.^[1] Chyle or plasma (called rasa dhatu), blood (rakta dhatu), flesh (mamsa dhatu), fat (medha dhatu), bone (asthi dhatu), marrow (majja dhatu), and semen or female reproductive tissue (shukra dhatu) are held to be the seven primary constituent elements -- saptadhatu (Devanāgarī: सप्तधातु) of the body.^[6] Ayurveda deals elaborately with measures of healthful living during the entire span of life and its various phases. Ayurveda stresses a balance of three elemental energies or humors: vata (air & space – "wind"), pitta (fire & water – "bile") and kapha (water & earth – "phlegm"). According to ayurveda, these three regulatory principles— doshas (literally that which deteriorates - Devanāgarī: त्रिदोष)—are important for health, because when they are in a more balanced state, the body will function to its fullest, and when imbalanced, the body will be affected negatively in certain ways. Ayurveda holds that each human possesses a unique combination of doshas. In ayurveda, the human body perceives attributes of experiences as 20 Guna (Devanāgarī: गुण, meaning qualities).^[7] Surgery and surgical instruments are employed.^[7] It is believed that building a healthy metabolic system, attaining good digestion, and proper excretion leads to vitality.^[7] Ayurveda also focuses on exercise, yoga, meditation, and massage.^[8] Thus, body, mind, and spirit/consciousness need to be addressed both individually and in unison for health to ensue.  So I am going to attend the class. I researched a little about the diet, and the week long detox diet they have, and I have to say I am pretty interested in researching this further. So I am going to sign up for the class :D Pretty excited for what it has to offer, and I like the teachings behind it.