Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Fucking awesome!

All things considered, I would have to say that physically life is fucking awesome. I mean sure... I have my moments.. but all things considered I am feeling great!!! I golfed my ass off last week (sore as hell but an awesome workout) and enjoyed a day of heated yoga. I passed on the days I am golfing, because well it's to much for my little body. I have to be careful how much I push the limits.. I know my body and I know when enough is enough. Sunday morning I woke up and was completely beat. Met my buddy for some football and than came home to nap. It was AWESOME! Bleeding has almost stopped, and I have 90% of the time stuck to my tough food restrictions and I have to say I feel amazing. I did however totally flake on picking up my chemo meds from the store Monday and Sunday (Whoops and shit) which leaves me 2 days behind. Considering that, I can't believe how good I feel. I am so tempted to cut them out, but I know that I can't! Balls. I have a huge Halloween weekend coming up, and I need to make sure I am at my best... Hindsight, maybe I subconsciously didn't take my meds so I feel fine on Sunday/Monday.. Who knows.. all I know is considering I am 2 days behind, I am doing stellar!

On another note. Fucking food police... AGAIN!! We were at a family dinner last night, and I ate a few bites of some bread! GASP NO SHE DIDN'T!!! Hey people. Fuck off. I know my body. I know what I can and cannot get away with.. So thank you very much, I am fucking fine. I hate when people do this... My buddy just drilled me on rather or not I get enough calories.. blah blah blah blah. DUDE PEOPLE I am fucking fine. I am a big girl. I know my body better than fucking anyone else cause guess what?!? I LIVE IT 24/7!! Did I get a little sick this morning from the bread?!? Sure. But I made the choice. I knew and I understand what my boundaries are!! I got up.. went to work & managed to rock some yoga as well... Mind your own fucking business cause I got mine.

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Screaming Bloody Murder

Seriously.. How I fucking felt last 3 days. Like running to the top of a roof top somewhere, and just screaming... I am currently trying to get my anxiety levels down, and try to regain myself. Somewhere.. somehow I seemed to lose myself.. I think in all the muddiness of the world and trying to live, I think this happens sometimes.. Well that and the following happened.

My "period" started this week. See I use the word with quotation because I am not really sure what to call it anymore. My face breaks out a little... get mildly moody and bleed a little.. Which concerns me that my body is just fucking "mimicking" a period (without or with the IUD) which would make Doc Greedy right and well I am not mentally ready for that yet. Fuck him and give me my fucking money back. Anyways, rant over. So I go to use the bathroom few days ago, and I look down... What do my lovely eyes see? A giant long string of blood and goo coming out of me. Awesome. Well this is fucking fun! NOT. Followed by 2 days of upset stomach & basically zero appetite. Yep still bleeding. Fun. However this time my body has opted to bleed mostly out of my ass (and those of you who are worried.. I have poked, prodded, surgeries and in/out of doctor's offices. IT'S JUST ME so calm the fuck down). Awesome. Whatever bleeding I am having, is literally coming out my ass. Fun. Than last night at 1:00amish I awoke with massive stomach cramping & pains. Welp time for bathroom fun. My black kitty follows me into the bathroom like he always does and quickly lays down on the floor, and awaits for this massive awesome thing coming out of my ass to come out.. Fun. Head back to bed. Ooooooooooo NOPE! Not done yet. Take black kitty back to bathroom.. he plops down and sighs. BEST kitty ever. He follows me around the bathroom, cuddles with me at night & sleeps with me on the couch when I am sick. I don't know what I would do without black kitty. Anywho.. So between seeing everything come out my ass this week, the HUGE anxiety I am fucking feeling, and also the massive giant LITERAL pain in my ass (I get swollen & inflamed when I bleed....) I have been a giant fucking wreck.. and I ready for this "period" to be over. HOWEVER I am reminded that pre IUD, I had to deal with this shit ALL THE TIME! Last year for months.. I would just bleed, bleed and more bleed and be so incredibly inflamed that I couldn't even walk. So THANK YOU IUD!

So along those lines.. and in an effort to try and maintain some sort of control of myself.. I have started to rock yoga again (I took the summer off due to other activities and I don't want to get burnt out)... It was awesome today. I went to Chakra yoga (not in the mood to seriously kick my ass with heated yoga) and we focused on the throat.. which is about saying (or not saying) what you needs to say. I have to say that after class I did feel this relaxing urge to just shut the fuck up.. and breath. Again Miss P, BADASS class. So I did some research on the throat chakra and I found it to be pretty true to what I need right now.. With everything going on in my personal life.. I realize that sometimes it's okay to be still and quite. Pretty cool lesson. Thanks Miss P. Tomorrow it's on to kicking my ass at 1.5hrs of heated yoga.. Bring it bitch.

Labels: , ,

Friday, October 14, 2011

Heated yoga.. WIN

Dude it took me 4 YEARS to build of the confidence and strength to be able to go to a heated yoga class. I have ALWAYS wanted to try it, but didn't feel I had the god damn confidence to pull off a practice in 100+ degree room at 40%ish humidity for a fucking HOUR & HALF!!! But I did it, and I loved it. I am trying to work into my schedule for 2 classes a week. I don't think I could take anything longer than that. But holy sweat man. I couldn't believe the amount of toxins & water that left my body. 84 poses you work through, and man as your body gets warmed up, you can stretch deeper and deeper. It's a pretty fucking awesome experience. I do miss certain poses like the wheel, and headstands. So I am going to keep practicing my Vinyasa yoga twice or 3 times a week, and rock heated yoga twice a week. I would however say that the beginner would probably not enjoy this class much. You really need to understand the poses and mentally have the strength to be able to work through the tough moments. I am eager and excited to begin this new regime and see how to works out for me!!!

Few things I read about heated yoga:

The heat means we can get into postures more deeply and effectively - plus the benefits of the postures come quickly. Like thousands before you, you will find that practising yoga in the warm room creates a satisfying and almost addictive feeling of achievement.

The benefits are many:
  • Your body burns fat more effectively, fat may be redistributed and burned as energy during the class. It is common to lose centimetres of shape in a very short time
  • The heat produces a fluid-like stretch allowing for greater range of movement in joints, muscles, ligaments and other supporting structures of the body
  • Capillaries dilate in the heat; more effectively oxygenating the tissues, muscles, glands and organs and helping in the removal of waste products
  • Your peripheral circulation improves due to enhanced perfusion of your extremities
  • Your metabolism speeds up the breakdown of glucose and fatty acids
  • You benefit from a strengthening of willpower, self control, concentration and determination in this challenging environment
  • Your cardiovascular system gets a thorough workout
  • Your muscles and connective tissue become more elastic and allow for greater flexibility with less chance of injury and improved resolution of injury
  • Sweating promotes detoxification and elimination through the skin - which is the body's largest eliminating organ
  • Just as when your body raises its temperature to fight infection, the raised temperature in the room will assist in improving T-cell function and the proper functioning of your immune system
  • Your nervous system function is greatly improved and messages are carried more efficiently to and from your brain
  • Metabolism improves in your digestive system and in the body's cells (that is food in the gut and nutrients in the cells)



Labels:

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Heated Yoga

Fuck it. Why not. I have toyed around with the idea since I started practicing over 4 years ago.. and just never nutted up and do it.. Ugh an hour and a half... Who has the time?!? But than I came across this saying today " Someday never really comes, does it?" ~ Unknown~ which completely came at the right fucking time in my life...  My heart has been shattered by someone I THOUGHT was my best friend.. and I am looking to try and find myself again. I am lost. I need some clarity and most importantly I need to remember why I love myself.. because in effort to try and make other people happy for so long.. I've forgotten about myself. So fuck it. Bring on the hot yoga. Let's try this shit.



Labels:

Health Assessment. Bahaha

Hahahahah according to my medical insurance "health assessment" I am a 98/100 which means I am in perfect health. Bahahahahahahahahaha. Right.. Total perfect health.. But than I started to think about it.. and technically I guess I am. But I guess sometimes what you can't see, you don't know about. My blood pressure is awesome, my cholesterol and HDL are money.... in "theory" I am the perfect picture of health... Sure.. Maybe. But take away all the medications which I have to take to keep me "functioning".... how much is really left?! Am I really a perfect picture of health?!? hahahaha. Whatever.. Friends of mine last night where talking about how long they want to live.. One friend said 60's (no surprise and he probably wont live past 60's) and another friend said 100. In my head I was thinking about all the meds I take, my liver, if I can ever go off these meds and this nagging cough which I have.. Either smoking induced or from ya know.. the chemo meds I am on.. and how they fuck up your lungs.. Awesomeness. Sometimes I wonder.. and than I remember that I don't want to think about it. I just want to live... I just want to wake up everyday and bring what the new day has in store. I just want to breathe & live what life I do have. I have no idea how long I will live for, but I do know it fucking wont be 100. IF I do... they should sign me up for medical studies because I don't know how I can possibly live that long.. My liver and kidneys HAVE to hate me.... Ever seen Steel Magnolias? Yea well this movie always makes/made me ball my fucking head off like a little bitch... I always wondered if it was a view into the future.. Like somehow that might happen to me.. Life is funny. You never know what you are going to get till you wake up that morning.

Labels:

Friday, October 7, 2011

HUGE DAY TODAY!!!

Ya well through all my medical issues over the last 5+ years, I have needless to say acquired several thousands of $$$ in bills and related costs.. I have slowly over the last year since I have been healthier.. been trying to pay down my bills, and slowly but surely hoping if I stay healthy that I would be able to chip away at these horrible bills that I pay over $300 a month to... and guess fucking what?!? YEA YEA! I paid off my eye doctor today! SO HUGE FOR ME! First time ever since I started seeing him over 5 years ago that I have had that doctor paid off.. FEELS SO GOOD mentally. It's also a sign that I am slowly healing, and also the fact that I have stayed OUT of his office for this year makes me so fucking excited. Words cannot describe how happy this makes me! I really truly never thought this day would come... Next bill I owe roughly $400ish, which I will pay off $200ish this month.. So by year end ANOTHER one done!!! Than I only have left stupid fucking hospital bill from Doc Greedy.. However that is done to roughly $1200ish, so in less than a YEAR I should have all my medical bills paid off! OMFG this is so awesome and feels so amazingggggggggggg!!!!!! It's so hard to describe to people in words how amazing this feels... ONE BILL AT A TIME!!!!!



Labels:

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Fuck the food police

I have two totally seperatr things to right about.. the first one is a complete and total vent... As Kidd Kraddick would say "Yes I am a size 2... Yes I feel I need to work out constantly.. Yes I hate eating. No I don't have an eating disorder and GET OVER IT!!!!"

I am soooooooooooooooo sick of people looking at me, or lecturing me and explaining to me how I need to eat more.. I need ____________. Okay people seriously. I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!!! Ooooo you are so skinny.. Thanks. I'm hungry. Usually followed by ackward laughter from the person trying to figure out how on earth this food idea doesn't appeal to me. People I do not have an eating disorder (friend pointed this out this weekend..) Thanks. Again. Eating hurts for me and reminds me EVERY time I eat, the limited choices I have with food. Could I ate some things.. sure. Followed by a raging angry body for about a week until I go into the weekend.. and drink. Suddenly I feel better. It numbs my stomach. It allows me to eat. Ugh.

Imagine this scenario. At a bar.. watching football.. and suddenly my friend starts talking to me about eating.. if I had eaten at all today. Come to think of it. No.. But it's because I felt good.. So why fuck with it.. But I get you wouldn't understand this.. None of this comes out of my mouth instead I say simply "Eating isn't fun" and return to watching my game. People don't tell you when you are to fat (I was there at all most 200 pounds.. So yes, I have a right to say this.)... People don't point out that when the fat lady is buying a whopper with cheese, large fry and DIET coke.. No one questions their eating habits.. BUT MINE?!? OMFG. Stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.. I happen to like healthy food somewhat.. OMG such a fault. Again no one can ever understand this.. I weight 135lbs, not 2 so shut it. It's insulting & painful to talk about... Sometimes I end up in tears outside smoking just trying to be alone and breath. It's hard to tell people that your body hate you.. that it gets mad and rages a war upon your body even more fun & exciting than the last.

And so someday I will shout the following. I AM FINE!!! I am extremely happy (minus a few neurotic hormone moments.. but who doesnt have those? Even men do.. Ask any wife or girlfriend or best friend of a complete asshole..). I like my life. Yes I struggled through a LOT mentally and physically but hey guess what?!? I survived. I am a fighter & a strong women... and for that I don't want to talk about my eating habits any more than I do about you do about sex.

Labels: , ,