Fucking kids

My marriage is ending, and it's because my husband wants kiddos, and I want a career. If the roles where reversed, and it was him was saying I don't want kids right now, no one would even bat an eye.. But because I am a fucking woman.  

Oh and not to mention the fact that I have only been healthy for a year... and my doctors wont let me go off my meds for another year at best IF I CAN even go off them... I'll give him this, we have been together for short of a decade, and I can get why having children would be the next step.. HOWEVER he is leaving me because of the ONE thing I cannot change, I have no choice. Kids is something which I can't just yank out my IUD and say BAM let's get pregnant. I have to go off my meds, IF I even can and take out my IUD which will than spin my body in a whirlwind of adjusting, pain and who the fuck knows. All things which mentally I am not ready for. Does this make me selfish? Maybe. But I can tell you after laying on the couch for years of pain, misery and loneliness, I am not about ready to put myself through that shit again. I have worked really hard for my career, and where I stand, and I am not about to let that go. Is there more issues between us? Sure. But my immature and quite honestly confused husband is convinced that this is what he needs, and I cant stand in his way. It breaks my fucking heart. He wont even acknowledge how shitty it is of him to make this choice. I am being understanding, and trying to pick up the pieces while he sits in his sad state and claims he is said and withdrawn from the whole thing. Sorry I am not enough for you. Sorry I love is not enough and most importantly I am sorry you think that there is something better and more needing out there for you. I am trying to process the whole thing... started telling family/friends which is always fun.. While he is away on "vacation", I get the emotional task of telling everyone. Thanks asshole. I told him last night that until he processes the magnitude of what he wants, he will never go through this. I am so mentally beat the fuck up, and my eyes are killing me from all the crying... I am exhausted. I just want someone to love me for me. Nothing more, and nothing less. Thougt which does not kill us only makes us stronger... Gotta get to work. The ONE thing I know I can.

Nope.... no babies here!

Letting your defenses down and allowing someone to get close to you can make you feel very vulnerable. When a trusted person hurts you, its easy to put your barriers back up to stop future pain. But when you put up your barriers, you block more than pain, you also block future opportunities of happiness and contentment. When you try to protect your fragile self, people may call you cold and distan...t when in fact you are so fragile inside that you are scared you may break. Allowing someone into your heart is scary and can be painful but the more barriers you take down, the stronger you become. Remember, when someone hurts you, it doesn't make you a bad person. It is their karma, not yours. True happiness and love can only be found outside of yourself when you first learn to love what is inside. You are not as fragile as you think, your soul is eternal and your life force is the essence of the universe itself. Let down your defenses and allow the world to see how truly wonderful you are.

I'm so exhausted..I keep saying this, but I am... My heart hurts and realizing that someone you have loved for years, really isn't that person, is completely devstating. I think the worst part, is he is so emotionaless, and I am so not.. It's a struggle when you are a feeler, and someone who has been sick for so long, and just want to enjoy life, and you are with someone who doesn't. I think he needs someone to take care of, like a child. He himself has said this, and I wish he would truely explore that. I feel that he needs something to make him feel his exisitence, and I just need to wake up every day and be functional. He needs something to make him feel, and I feel every damn day. The struggle is in talking to him, he just wont think for himself. Fuck take some time to yourself and go think about what you want. FIND YOUR FUCKING YOURSELF... I don't understand. I dont understand how someone could wake up every day, and just go through the motions of life. How dreams and hope aren't something that dont guide them. I am completely fucking lost.

Here is the issue with kids. See I can't just decide I want to get pregrant. IF and WHEN the time comes, I have to yank out my IUD (which not looking forward to) and I have to go off my chemo (i.e auto-immune supressing drugs), which I dont even know if I can. I am basically signing myself up for time of hell and sickness, and I AM NOT READY to be there again. It's only been a year since I have started to maintain a certain level of healthiness, I am not ready to go back. I am not ready to sign myself up for more pain... The only person that can understand this, is me... People think they can, but truely the feelings reside within me. I am the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and fuck that. I am not ready.

Punching Bag

It is not easy to live life sometimes, And face the world with a smile

When you're crying inside. It takes a lot of courage to
reach down inside yourself, hold on to that strength that's still
there, And know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities.
But if you can hold on long enough to this through, You'll come out a new person stronger, With more understanding and with a new
pride in yourself From knowing that you made it!
- Unknown-

 

I'm fucking exhausted man. I feel like a punching bag and it hurts. My feelings don't matter, and I just have to take it one day at a time, and go with the flow. Yesterday I stayed home from work again. Hubbie had a cold, but if you ask me, he just needed a day off. He didn't seem that sick, but who am I to judge. Once again he missed another event with me... Half my friends don't even buy it anymore when I say he is sick.. One friend when I said he was sick, asked me "Of what?!?"... *sigh* I understand depression is hard, and I understand how hard it must be for him.. But fuck man, I feel like a punching bag, and I want a break!!! It's so hard because while life goes on, I feel like my love for him is dwindling, and I can't do anything about it.... My needs simply don't matter, and there isn't much I can do about it. It sucks. It's fucking painful and I am stuck in emotional hell. It isn't like our problems started when he got diagnosed with depression, its been going on for years. So little emotion he can feel, ever. And when you are a person with such a giant heart, it gets really hard to see. No hand holding, no compassion, no nothing.. Just all him. I don't know what to do...

RollerCoaster

"You are lost the instant you know what the result will be" -Juan Gris

Guess these means I am not lost, because I have no idea the result of this... But first, side note. Ate TWO FUCKING FRIES last night... 2!!! And this morning I have blood oozing out of my holes likes snot from a nose. Awesome. Fuck you fries...Actually no. FUCK YOU BODY.. I can't eat just 2 fries?!?!? Ugh. So delicious though LOL

Anyways... Depression man, where do I even start. Such a freaking roller coaster of emotions, and such a time for me to stand up and be strong.. Husband had a tough night on Monday night, and we fought, argued and the end result was him thinking that he needed to have a child, and leave me. I told him that I am sorry, but physically I am not ready to go off all my meds, and to endure the unknown with health. It has been only a year, and I am not ready to make that commitment.. We went back and forth. We made love Monday night, and it felt like the last time... Slept together all night, and in the morning on my way to work, I realize I had to be the strong one here, and I opted to take the day off, and told him before he ended our marriage over something that he didn't even know, that maybe we should talk about it. So he took the day off to. I called our couples therapist and made an appointment for the morning, I wanted him to say to our therapist the kid craziness he was talking about. He pointed out that husband was acting like a depressed, unloved women who thought a baby would make everything better.... among other things. We went home and talked more. I explained to him that I need to be loved. I need to enjoy our couple's life, and not be so damn worried about children and starting a family, as it's not in my medical cards right now. Hell I don't even know if I can have kids... Man what a tough day, I am so happy to be back at work. I love him dearly and I have the biggest heart, so I am not willing to give up yet... I told him he had ONE LAST CHANCE to make this right, as I am exhausted.. mentally.

So lost & empty....

"In your hopelessness is the only hope. and in your desirelessness is your only fulfillment, and in your tremendous helplessness suddenly the whole existence starts helping you". -Osho-

I'm exhausted. I am beat down and I am sick & fucking fed up with feeling so alone. I fight, and fight and fight to keep things happy. I try my hardest to help hubbie through his depression, but I can't be the only one fighting. I can't be the only one who wants to try and fix things. You can't BLAME depression, you can fight it.... It isn't a switch. I don't get how he can be so emotionless around me, and than hope onto his video game world, and seemingly seem so happy, laughing and joking. Depression isn't a switch, you can't just turn it on and off. If he wants to stay a recluse, than fine so be it... I can't help him with that. I understand what he is going through, and I understand that he hurts, but I am not going to fight this fucking battle alone, and right now I am.... I want to be loved, and feel loved. I want to feel like I matter. I don't want to fucking tell him HOW to act, think, feel and be. I don't want to tell him how to love me.. I can't do it anymore. I can't be the one who is always fixing and mending things. He has to take some accountability and be responsible for his own actions. He has to be an active participant in life. He has to wake up in the morning, and do things for himself... Just like he stays up till fucking 4:30am and sleeps all day, IT'S a choice... In order to get better, one has to make the effort. He has to consciousnessly decide that he wants to get better. Make the steps to try and get better, right now all I see if him taking a happy pill, and expecting it to get better. It doesn't fucking work like that.... In order to make a change, one has to educate, fight and try to consciously make a difference. I don't know why this is so fucking hard. I can't do this anymore... I can't be the only one fighting for this.... I have to stop typing, I am all most in tears and I have a lot of work to do today.

Bloody Hell

Today is the 9th, which apparently my body has decided to "mock" a period and still give me cramps. I always hate bitching about this shit, because where I have come from, and where I am now is two completely different places... However, while the IUD has made things better, I still have like a 4 day cycle and also bleed... everywhere. Granted the bleeding is completely manageable and tolerable, I guess the days of thinking that I won't have a period are over.. I miss those days with the Depo shot.. One nice thing.. Not having to worry about it for years, I think I got spoiled. It was like 4 years of bliss followed by 3 years of hell, and now I am somewhere in the middle... I try and remind myself around this time every month, that things use to be worse and that at least I am not bleeding EVERY SINGLE day... So I guess it's important to remember the positive in life.

Depression is a bitch.. and I am not sure who it is tougher on, the person who is depressed or the person who loves the depressed person, and is just trying to find some love. It's strange... I sat at home for one week or so, making sure that he got what he needed. I put myself on the shelve for about one week, and to be honest, I didn't mind it.. I wanted to make sure that he got healthier.. Slowly over the last few days, I have been trying to re-establish, well me. I have been trying to remember myself and not lose myself, because no matter what happens, I am still me. Here is my concern. He has been on meds for about 3ish weeks I think.. and I see he is feeling better. He went to counseling twice, and apparently isn't making another one till January. He is feeling better, but what I notice is that he really isn't treating me any different. Granted, I am not sure what to expect and I am trying to not make any judgements or decisions or well anything until I see how he heals. But to be quite honest, I don't think he knows how to treat a woman, and I don't see any effort from him on trying to heal our relationship. Is it to soon? Maybe? Fuck I don't know... But I do know why he is trying to figure his shit out, I am left in a very lonely and dark place, and that is somewhere I HATE being... I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know and I don't understand. I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to breathe.... I miss the warm touch and compassion of my husband, and it completely sucks that I have to let go of all that... It sucks that while I am trying to see a glimmer of hope for us, I am not sure I see it any more. I am not sure I can see the positiveness in our relationship. I am trying, I am trying so hard, but more than anything I just feel like I am emotionally fucked.. Not matter what I do, it's oh poor hubbie.... It's always my fault.. It's always something I am doing wrong... Mr. Golden Boy can't do anything wrong and it's complete crap. NOT EVERYTHING is my fault. I don't mean to be whiny but fuck. If I leave now, than I am the bitch. If I wait, than I still will be a bitch. However if I do wait, than at least I gave it a chance. I gave him a chance to heal.... This fucking sucks man. I just want things to be simple and they are one giant fucked up mess.

Thought for Day

‎"When you want something, you have to dig a little deeper. You can't give up just because things don't come easy. You have to overcome the obstacles and face your fears. But in the end, it's all worthwhile. Life is full of ups and downs, but if you believe in yourself you will always come through with flying colors. Value family. Value friendships, love and faith. Never under estimate yourself. Believe in yourself and you will have a better life."

Binge-eating!??

I don't know man.. but part of me thinks this might be something I need to address...
Here is the deal.
1) I get feeling that I have control over nothing... EXCEPT the food
2) I seek out and find a "FOOD" that is in my restricted class of food I can't eat
3) I binge eat several of these things.. Only done at night.. and when drunk or on Ambien... aka lose
    my sense of self-control
4) I feel like shit for the next 2-5 days.. and spend the next 2 days wishing I hadn't of slipped & shaming myself.... awesome

Now I use to not think this was an issue.. Until I started to realize that the times I do lose control, and eat shit I am not suppose to, it's always focused around feeling of lacking control or emotional trauma.... I didn't realize this until I started trying to address the issue, and while I couldn't figure out exactly how or why, i wanted to understand why I was eating shit to make me well feel like shit. People say "Just don't eat it...." It isn't that easy. When you live in a world of don'ts, it's very easy to find things I cannot do... I cannot do a lot of things, and eating food (except pretty much fruit, veggies, turkey and chicken), ya I can't eat shit.. Its exhausting to go out with people, and check out their foods and see all the gloriousness that I can't eat.... I have gotten to the point that I don't like food... It became (while emotional shit was going on), that NOT EATING or eating the bare minimal was easier than trying to deal with physical trauma of the stress (trigger auto-immune diseases) than it was to deal with the way my body felt when I ate... It got to the point any time I would eat anything, I would feel completely like shit.. Anything... so I started eating smaller amounts.. which worked, but I also lost 8 lbs, and got told by numerous family members and friends, that i was to fucking skinny.... Welp I am just under 5'9" and I weighed 125ish at the time.. Yep TOTALLY healthy and within the limits.. problem is with my food restrictions, I don't have any fat.. I can't keep it down or in my body long enough to even absorb into my body...... To those of you who think "God I wish I had that problem" (and this I have MANY MANY MANY women, I call them snatches) say to me on numerous occasion.. Really bitch??!?!?!? You wish you had a chronic auto-immune diseases that plague my body and create a constant up and down cycle and you have to take to A/I suppressing drugs aka chemo just to even function?!?!?! REALLY?!?! Being skinny isn't always as it appears on the outside... Bitches remember that......

Yoga quote

Just saw this... AWESOME explanation of science and yoga...

The autonomic nervous system is divided into the sympathetic system, which is often identified with the fight-or-flight response, and the parasympathetic, which is identified with what's been called the relaxation response. When you do yoga - the deep breathing, the stretching, the movements that release muscle tension, the relaxed focus on being present in your body - you initiate a process that turns the fight or flight system off and the relaxation response on. That has a dramatic effect on the body. The heartbeat slows, respiration decreases, blood pressure decreases. The body seizes this chance to turn on the healing mechanisms.

Richard Faulds

Tears in yoga

Yoga, an ancient but perfect science, deals with the evolution of humanity. This evolution includes all aspects of one's being, from bodily health to self realization. Yoga means union - the union of body with consciousness and consciousness with the soul. Yoga cultivates the ways of maintaining a balanced attitude in day to day life and endows skill in the performance of one's actions.

B.K.S. Iyengar

See for me, this is an amazing thing. Miss P has this way of just bringing out the inner ability to just let gggggggggooooooooooo of whatever the fuck is holding on to you... I love her class, and she is an amazing instructor. I don't know what it is about her class, but something with her flows, rhythm and the way she teaches, I usually end up in relaxation pose, and tears start streaming down my face. See for me, this is an amazing thing.. It isn't tears of sadness, or pain, they are tears of letting go and I love it!!! See yoga for me is amazing.. The ability for me to let go, and stop holding on t the hurt, and the pain. It's so incredibly healing and I need to get my ass back to practicing 4+ times a week.

On another note... Yoga for me means no pain for an hour. I know these crazy to the average person, but to me, I live with chronic pain every day... Every day is different and it all depends on life events & how my bitchy ass immune system is feeling on that given day. Every day is different. I wake up every morning and feel my different body parts, and do a little assessment of how things feel... It's crazy, but it something I have to do EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.... Yoga for me is an hour without pain. One hour... whenever I practice without pain! It's such an awesome thing. I tell my hubbie this and he smirks, in a loving way knowing how awesome that is for me, but he also doesn't understand... I don't feel my gums bleeding or cut up like Freddie (that's going off the Methrodolizone and figuring out if I can survive without it) or my bladder doesn't feel like a burning razor.. My head doesn't hurt.. My eyes feel free & painless. It's such an AMAZING experience. I am so thankful that I found yoga and allowed myself to experience it.. live it and breath in the experience of yoga. I am so thankful that I have something I can do and not experience pain.  Words cannot describe it.. I would like them to.. but they cannot other than thankful. I am thankful that through all the shit & pain I have been through, I can find something to balance me.... and it's awesome!