No one can push your buttons, that you do to yourself. They can make comments that you react to by doing the same things you did in the past. But that reaction really is in the past and it is you who brings it into the now. Learn to be loving to yourself and those around you by letting go of hurts from days long gone. Create your life anew each day, each hour, each minute. Allow the past to be where it belongs, in the past.

Letting go is hard to do sometimes, but in order to properly heal, you have to let go. I am still trying to find a way to let go of my scars from my surgery, I think a tattoo of something symbolizing strength to me would be an epic idea, I am not so sure hubbie agrees, but he is warming up to the idea. I am thinking a horse. Since to me, horses are a part of me and something that through everything I have been through, have always been a part of me. In order to move past this scar, I need to allow myself to heal. It's hard at the beginning of the month when I am paying for my surgery at the tune of $2500 to the hospital and well Redwine, we wont even talk about that... HOWEVER looking down at these scars is really hard sometime. Every time I am naked and well any time I use the restroom I have these two bright and shining scars staring me in the face. Yes a tattoo will be in order.

Along that note, my IUD is amazing. About 2 months to the day this month, its like a hit a milestone and start feeling better. My "period" would of normally been this week and I would be a mess with bleeding, pain, cramping, stomach issues, bloating, fatigue, bitchiness and well basically hell on wheels. This month, I had like 5 mins of spotting followed by some uncomfortableness and than well it left as quickly as it came. I have a feel symptoms like headache and irritability, but that could be this crazy weather we are having, or also still the hormones. SO CRAZY to me how this is working. I have some bladder inflammation, but this could be from the work load and major stress I have been under for the last 1.5 months. Falls into the category of what is "normal" for someone, I dont really know... Still a learning process.

Made some AMAZING Turkey burgers with feta & dill in them last night. I hate Martha Stewart but man that bitch has some amazing recipes. ALSO tried me some sweet potatoes FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!! See I cant have potatoes, as they are in the nightshade family,m and make me soooooooooooooooo ill. SO I always wanted to try sweet potatoes, and OMFG I LOVES THEM!!!! I am not so sure hubbie did, but he is amazing and I know we can make him some tator normally and me sweet Tatars. SO EXCITED!!! This opens up some amazing doors for me. Holidays I can know how my tators!!! Woooooooooooooo Whooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

24 hours of Detox.

"Be master of yourself everywhere. All you do prooves true" - Zen Saying-

Welp I made it through the night, and realized the most important lesson, which is I need to put more attention into what I eat and what I am putting into my body. Hubbie and I last night made some Minestrone Soup and it was AWESOME! We added some Tinkaydi noodles to it, as noted on the bottom, and it was the bomb. It even filled up my hubbie! Next time, I am totally going to make this soup, but add some italian turkey to it, and saute the turkey with the garlic and onions. Still totally healthy and yummy, BUT has some meat in it for protein!! I ended up eating a Fagel (wheat-free bagel) last night with some butter and cinnamon, my tummy was feeling cramped, and I know cinnamon can help it.

While I don't think detoxing is the easiest thing to do during the busy season, I do know I have learned some valuable lessons thus far, and that being that sometimes you need to go just stick with the basics. My husband has gotten super re-energized as well, and it going to try some Crock Pot Fish Stew Friday night!!! YUMMY! He has seen that we need to stop feeding ourselves with so much crap. And by crap I mean crap for us. Need to watch the dairy, and I need foods in the house which i can eat when I am hungry. I also made some Wheat-Free Bread in my bread maker, and this morning before work I sliced it up, and froze it. Perfect :-) This morning I ate some yummy apples and a banana. Instead of Decaf coffee (which needs to go back to a weekend thing) I had some hot water with a splash of sugar-free creamer. Like coffee, but good for me ;-)

For lunch today, left over soup and a slice of yummy GF bread ;-) No time for work out, as I need to go get my check up for my blood work for the chemo meds I am on.

Lessons learned in Detox so far...

Well few things...
1) Listening to your body is SUPER key in this. No not just the I am hungry this suck shit, but like the real, my body needs more of something. Like this morning when I felt all dizzy, I should of listened sooner, but I wasn't sure if I was detoxing, or lacking something. Turns out I needed protein!!!
2) SUPER important to be surrounded by amazing people in your life who support you. Hubbie brought me flowers today to cheer me up ;-)
3) Oranges fucking rock! I had no idea. Well scratch that I did.. BUT I always hated peeling those damn things. SO than I watched hubbie cut one a few weeks ago, and I was like oooooooooooooo thats how!!!! So I tried it just now, and oranges are amazing snack and source of Vitamin C. Plus they help my sweet tooth I get sometimes while sitting at the desk for hours..
4) Detox is hard, but it made me realize how much shit I was putting into my body. How I was thinking about the processed foods I am putting into me. I HAVE to think about this. I am not a normal person who can eat and think later, I have to think about my auto-immune diseases and how they get triggered (or can) by stress and foods.

Looking forward to make some Italian detox pasta or minestrone soup tonight!!!!
Hubbie even said he would try it with me. <3 

Detox Update...

HOLY BALLS AM I GRUMPY!!!!! Never mind the fact how I started my morning, oh and I should mention yesterday I found out my ex-friend (key word ex) has been running around town running off her mouth. SO to add to that, I feel genuinely broken hearted anyways.

SO I broke down and ate half a packet of oatmeal. It isn't cheese and it isn't processed foods, so guess what?!? I did. Cured the massive headache I was having and the massive dizziness. I realize now how the lack of exercise and shit I have been putting in my body (for me, the normal person it would be healthy) really has been effecting my body...I feel like I did when I cut out caffeine last March, which well it was hell.

SO I went to Yoga class. First off my favorite instructor was out sick :( but than this stupid and obviously first time yoga student shows up 10mins late. Fine whatever. BUT THAN she worse these fucking bangle bracelets that clanked every time she moved and went with the poise. REALLY?!?! SERIOUSLY?!? I couldn't take the clank clanky anymore, and so I left. FIRST TIME EVER! SO RUDE! Yoga is about you and your practice, but you still have to be considerate of other people.

So I went to get lunch at grocery store. I noticed I could smell the Baja Fresh down the street, never smelled that before and the fast food joint down the street. Weird. I ended up getting brown rice, pinto beans and some green taco sauce. I HAVE to eat something besides fruit. Sorry but with working 11+ hour days, it just isn't feasible. Part of the detox site, I read Quinao and Beans, so I am hoping this is along the same lines. I am actually feeling little better, and not so well mean. Still bitchy but not mean. Hey like life, everything needs adjusting sometimes. I have recognized that I do need to STOP putting some shit into my body.

Soooooooooooooo much work to do, off I go.

BLARG

So not started out to a good morning. I woke up feeling sort of blah, soI tried to make the best of my morning at 5am before I went to work, and made my husband lunch, got my veggies and such together for my 3 day detox which starts today, and as I reach over to kiss my husband, a batshit crazy old friend of ours had texted him AT 6AM asking if they could talk yet?!?!? REALLY?!?!? SO INAPPROPRIATE. So than as I was driving to work, all I wanted to do was stop and get a coffee, and say fuck the detox program. See its' hard when you work non-stop to have willpower with much of anything else. BUT I made it into work, and tried to make the best of it.

So than I went into the kitchen, and made my apples, bananas and grapes.  I was suppose to make a green smoothie, but I ran out of time. Balls. So I improvised and got all the fruits that were suppose to make it in there, and just made a non-smoothie. Didn't have time to make my salad, as I made my husband a lunch and I also realized on my list last night, I had neglected the part of my list which was for the green chef salad. Balls. So than I plan on hitting up Whole Foods after yoga to just buy a salad. I don't know what else to do. I need the salad, and that's the best place I can think of. Ah fuck, I just remembered I forgot my dressing. Mo Fo!!! Maybe I can ask my husband to pick one up for me... Or maybe I can hit up Safeway and make it work. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I came into work, and started to put together a monitor for our billing staff, and WAM hit my head on the desk as I was coming up. I all most started crying, in fact I think I did shed a tear. MY MORNING SUCKS!!!! I am trying so hard to keep my chin up, and keep it all together, but its really hard. I am hungry, my stomach is KILLING me from the cheese I ate last night with the eggs, and I feel like I weigh 200+ lbs. All I want to do is go back to sleep. I KNOW I need to do this detox plan, and help to get the shit out of my body I have been putting in, and get my ass back on track but its hard (or a test from the higher powers) to do so when all you want to do is go back to bed!!!!! I'm starving, and all I want to do is drink delicious and sinful decaf coffee, and say fuck it BUT I AM SCARED TO DEATH that sooner or later my body is going to revolt if I don't start paying more attention to it!!! I am grumpy, my head is KILLING me and I feel like tearing someone's head off. SO NOT how I envisioned my day.

Time to get back in the saddle and ride this bitch!

"Life is denied by lack of attention, whether it be to cleaning windows or trying to write a masterpiece" -Nadia Boulanger

Lately I have been devoting myself 150% to work, and I am doing ok, but I need to devote some attention to my body. One disadvantage to taking chemo meds to suppress my immune system (besides sleep problems) is that I seem to catch every fucking cold I come across. I think this is cold #4 but in all honesty I have lost track. Thankfully when I have the dreaded cough flu, it ended in antibiotics and was able to clea it up. NOW I am stuck with a cold in my nose/head, and I cant seem to kick it. Another week I think its time to go back on anti-botics.

However lately I haven't been rocking yoga as much, or hitting the gym. While everyone keeps telling me how great I look (apparently I was anoxeria skinny last year) now everyone tells me how I look better with weight on me. Another issue for another day but WHEN did it become ok to point out someone's weight?!? No one told me when I was 60+ lbs heavier and a size 14-16. SO WHY is is ok to say the opposite, how anoxeric and sick I look.. Ummmmmm when I was heavy I was unheatlhy to. Where were you than?!? Anyways, granted it is only 8-10lbs and I am still rocking a size 4, I dont feel good inside myself. I feel like I weight 200+ and like a size 16. I dont feel good, I just feel heavy. So I have been searching for the last few months for a good detox program to rock, but with my limited food choices, it is really fucking hard. So I keep searching and yesterday I think I hit the jack pot! My new new detox program will follow this, I personally LOVE it. The recipes like the homemade bread and granola seem amazing. I need to write up a work-out plan and yoga plan for myself, and stop working straight through lunch, and get to it!!! I know I will feel better on the inside, which is what matters. I am thinking 3-4 days every 2 weeks and see what happens. I just feel overwhlemed with toxins and well shit in me. I really want to try and rock my body back to the toned girl I was last year. I had my all my pain starting in July last year, and than my fucking waste of time surgery, and than followed by a deep depression, the new year and than the season. So I fell off the wagon and it's time to get back in the saddle!!! My plan is to rock the grocery store Sunday with my amazing and SUPER supportive husband, and get ready for detox!!!

Looking back...

Oh my how far I have come. Here we are in the middle of my busy season (I am taking a break as I have been at work since 6am without any really sort of breaks besides facebook checking and some emails..) and so far so good. I like to positive and optimistic and say that I cannot wait to write a letter to my Eye Doc Stevens (shout out!) and say how much you changed my life and made me the person I am today. I think back to the way I was just one year ago. I was in so much pain and so confused on life. i was working 11+ hours, and in so much pain. I couldn't take any painkillers or anything at work, because my job requires that I be 100% all the time, and no spaciness allowed! I think back how I was going to the doctor 4 times a week at least and instead of weekly lunch appointments, I had weekly doctors appointments. i was in a scared, dark and eery place. I was busting my ass at work, and living in fear of every day that came. Every day I awake and I don't feel like dieing, is a good day in my book. Suddenly things in your life just seemed to get put on mute. All that matters is yourself and how much agony and pain you are in. It's worse to when it's internal pain. When someone sees a cast or a broken arm, they understand you must be in pain. But if your bladder is so fucking inflamed if feels like you are going to pee your pants & your ass burns like you just ate a jalapeno burger, people cant see this pain. They have nothing to relate to. Amazing how life changes when you take control over it.. and with the right meds & doctors who never stop finding the answer.

So here is to the doctors in the world who changed their patients lifes for the better and NEVER stopped believing that someday, they would find an answer!!

Fighting a cold :(

Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

So fucking true... I am taking my own advice, and hitting up group yoga flow class today at lunch. I need to reconnect with my body and self. It has been a busy ass week between work and personal lives. It has been a whirlwind of work and events to attend. Mentally and physically I think I was tapped the fuck out. I went home early from work at 6:00 (only worked 10hrs LOL) and ate dinner, and than headed right to sleep. I slept from 6:30pm-6:00am this morning. It was AMAZING and much needed. I am fighting a congestion cold right now, but this morning I don't feel so pained and mentally beat. I think the mental break for 12hrs was good for me. I always say that sometimes you need to sneak away to your dreams. I am not really surprised I got a cold, before last night I slept for like 8hrs in 3 days, which even for the healthiest of people isn't healthy!!!

So far so good on my immune system!!! YEA YEA!!! The IUD is working well, and I have spotted/bleed all week!!! What a huge improvement! It was like one day, things just got better. Funny how life works like that. I can't post much, because the quicker i get my work done, the quicker I can get out of here!!!!

Dr. Redwine's letter to me

Pathetic. Could this letter be any more generic?!? How about my money, hell half my money that you scammed out of me. What happened to helping the patient and patent's best interest? He might as well written a letter that says "Haha I got your money suck it".

PS Dr. Redwine
With proper diet change, yoga, acupuncture and IUD I am doing AMAZING!!! All things which I suggested to you prior to surgery and you disregarded. You need to go back to sensitivity training!!!

Good post!

http://www.myyogaonline.com/community/blog/the-compassionately-selfish-wish-for-enlightenment?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+MyYogaOnlineNewWorldBlog+%28My+Yoga+Online+Blog%29

Tis the season..

As a people, we have become obsessed with Health.  There is something fundamentally, radically unhealthy about all this.  We do not seem to be seeking more exuberance in living as much as staving off failure, putting off dying.  We have lost all confidence in the human body.  ~Lewis Thomas, The Medusa and the Snail, 1979

For my Auto-immune issues to flair. I will never be under as much stress as I am right now!!! I love my job and I literally normally sacrifice my health for my job. I am optimistic and excited that this year is different through the means of holistic care & diet!!! Plus I am trying my hardesttttttttttttttttttt to rock yoga when I can. With the busy season starting in full swing, I struggled to start with my schedule, and I am adjusting. Slowly. I am hoping for 3 times a week at the LEAST for yoga, ideally it would 5 times a week, but 3 is my least point!!! Normally this time of year I would be in and out of the doctors offices, and so sick & in pain. So far SO GOOD (as I knock on wood). I am feeling positive that this is the times of change and so is my hubbie. With proper diet (I have refused to eat red meat or break that rule... which I don't count bean and bacon soup because are those bits even real?!?!?) and proper watching of my health, I am hoping to PAY OFF my medical bills through the spring and not add to them.

Acupuncture was AMAZING last Friday. I get it once a month. I wish I could do 3 weeks, but until I pay off some more debt, not going to happen. First time ever I feel asleep during it. It was sooooooooooooo relaxing.

Spotting is getting less and less every day, yesterday actually marks the 2 months mark for my IUD I think... somewhere around the first of the month. My hubbie and I are able to have sex more often, and more comfortably for not only him BUT ME!!! Today I was thinking about how well, not thinking about having sex last night which for me is HUGE!!! Normally I am so swollen and in pain, all I can think about the next day is the pain!!!! I cant even tell you the difference. I have less pain and cramping, and also bloating which is nice. My stomach pain has gone down half, and my headaches lessen. Now the tricky part is figuring out what is "normal" aches & pains for someone working 11+ hrs a day, and what I normally experience. Weird Weird feeling so much pain and than feeling better...

A Knee Jerk Reaction

Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

Had Acupuncture yesterday, and boy was is fucking awesome. For the first time ever, I fell asleep and just relaxed. It was awesome. I asked her to make sure to work on my bladder trigger points, as it is the busy season and my body typically triggers its Auto-Immune diseases during this time. However I am hopeful with these new meds and new look on life with holistic treatments, that this will change. Anywho, so she went to put a needle in my foot area and I leg totally shot up in the air to a reaction the point. I asked her what the point was, and she said bladder. I laughed my ass off. Acupuncture has been pretty amazing for me and relaxing. I wish I could get it more than once a month, but that's all I can afford. Ideally I would rock every 3 weeks, but for now I can't.

Life is busy and hectic but for the most part good. I am trying to think about the positive things in life, and what I do have. I am trying to think about how this January is the first January in like over 7 years, I am not healing from or waiting for a surgery. Normally in January my body is triggered by stress, as this is my primary stress time for work and when it begins. I am optimistic that I am control of my body, and that hopefully her and I can work together to make it through to the Spring. I think right now the hardest part for me, is if what I am feeling is because of my AI triggers, or if this is the way people feel when they work 11+ hours days. It seem slike such a simple concept to most people who don't fight AI diseases, but it gets hard sometimes to distinguish between what is AI and what is the feeling the a "normal" person would feel under the hours I am working. Wish I had caffeine though, these hours are tough without a stimulant to keep you awake. It's hard sometime, like this morning after working 55+ hours, and than coming into the office after 5am. Coffee sure would be nice now!!!!

My energy is WAY outta wack!

Went to my favorite yoga class today with rocking bad ass instructor, and for some god damn reason, my energy was off yo. No matter how hard I tried to get into the zone, and let the energy flow in, I felt like I was having a block, or someone was sending negative energy my way. I don't know what it was, but my yoga flow was completely off today. :(