Thank you IUD!

I can whole hearted say that my "period" this month has been a walk in the park compared to the old days. Granted I know it isn't a "period" since I have the IUD in, and I know it's my bodies way of adjusting to the IUD and my "period" is really just a copy of the old dreaded Aunt Flow. But I have to say this go around has been a complete god send. Sure I have cramping, but it is totally manageable with over the counter medication. I am bleeding hardly even 1/8, maybe even a 1/16th of what I use to. I can function. I can move and most importantly I don't feel like there is a war going on in my pelvic area. Sounds sort of graphic, but for the first time like ever, I can wear a tampon and not bleed through. Which sounds crazy, but it is so awesome and something I have prayed & hoped for since I started my dreaded period. I can sleep through the night with no worried of accidents. I don't feel horribly bloated and fat, only a mild head trip here and there. I do have a headache that comes & goes, and I am pretty sure this is hormone related. But I have to say, the IUD is starting to level out in my body, and I am hoping we keep moving towards the positive!!!

Dear IUD:

 My IUD is fresh on my mind today, my "period" would normally be starting around this time. In so I write down some thoughts about my IUD. I keep waiting for the day when my "period" just stops coming. Granted it has slowed down, and also I notice a lot of other period symptoms lessing or going away, which is nice. However, I still would like my period to go away. Who doesn't right?!?!? I am headed on vacation in 7 days for sun and warm weather, so I am hoping that I don't have a debacle like I did last month with massive cramping & bleeding because that isn't something I DON'T want to deal with on my trip. I think every month that my IUD feel out when I have cramping, because I forget what it is like to have cramping. I have had a headache for the last 2 days, I am thinking that this is hormone related. Ugh. Hormones are such a bitch no matter the birth control method. However, I think I need to make sure that I remember the bad times I had, and how much the IUD has helped me. In so, I write a letter to my IUD.

Dear IUD:
How you hurt going in, and made my life a living hell for a few days while my body adjusted to you. I understand you are for the greater good of me in some many ways, and I respect that. I understand you have moments where you and Diva Body don't get along, and have battles, but please understand that you have to work together. I need Diva and you to become friends. You don't have to fight, please. I don't like being caught in the middle. I value your friendship and I know my husband does, so let's try and keep moving towards the positive, so we can all become one big happy family :-) Without the kids. LOL

Sincerely,
Me

IUD & sex... tricky

There is so many pros of the IUD, and I try to focus on the good in life. I try and think of the pain that I use to feel, and I don't feel anymore. I try to always remember the pain. Pain makes you human and pain makes you remember the bad times & makes the good times even sweeter. However right now the cons are over-riding the pros, and I hate that. The weight gain is a bitch. Pain and simple. It's hard to go from 125 lbs and than to 140ish depending on the day. Its a mental game and a hard game. Sure I have a booty and boobs now, which are a total score. But what is the good in it if my husband is scared to touch me because he doesn't know when I hurt or "how it is down there?". I want so badly to feel sexual and feel the passion we both have for each other. I know he loves me and is so confused. I try and explain to him that I can be told a million times by other people how amazing I look, but he is the one who matters. See my fear comes from the fact I use to weight 180+, and was greatly unhealthy. Hubbie still loved me, all of me. But I was uncomfortable but felt sexy. I didn't see myself as fat. When you go from 180ish to 130ish in 2 years, you become use to being and feeling a certain way. I am deeply paranoid of being heavy again. Its my worst fear and almost since the arrival of th IUD and unseen weight gain, I am scared where it will stop. I eat healthy, I work out like crazy and god damnit I just don't know how much I can do.l If I didn't have to eat anything besides cottage cheese I truly would, but I know that isn't healthy. PS I love me some cottage cheese. It isnt a fad diet thing. I don't know. I am so stuck in a world of not knowing how I feel or look and it's an awful hell.

Change of pants today

I am conflicted about how I feel about this. I tried on a pair of black pants before I came into work today, which have always been a little tight. It's a junior size 4. I decided today that in my profession, I don't need to be wearing tighter black pants. I than pulled out a pair of these awesome Black & White pants I got awhile back, still a size 4 but more room for my booty. I am totally conflicted on how I feel about this. On one hand, I work out 6 times a week and total watch my food intake, so it's mildly frustrating that I seem to be gaining, although I want to tell myself that it is partially muscle gain from badass yoga and Jillian. I'm not by any means heavy or looking like I gained the 15lbs (thanks IUD) I have. People keep telling me that last year at 5'7" and 125lbs I was WAY to skinny (which no one told me till now) and that I "wear the weight well" . I am NEVER sure how to take this. I think it all depends on the day. I don't know.. I go back and forth. We have a vacation coming up, which involves sun & bikinis. I have been busting my ass to be toned for this trip and I am hoping the photos will show it. I am still a size 4. While my pants may fit a little tighter, everyone keeps me how much better I look. So I just think of how I watch my diet, workout like a fiend & try my best to keep on top of it. Other than that, WTF am I suppose to do?!?!?

Oh and side note. To those of you who watched SuperSize Me (which for me personally is the reason why I stopped going to McDonalds) you will recognize this man. 25,000th Big Mac

Blarg Mondays

"Your body is designed to heal itself." ~ Donna Eden

So I made commitment to myself that I would watch what I eat, when I eat and how much. The last few Mondays for me have been absolute hell, and I thought it was just because it was Monday. Well this last week I made sure to watch myself, and I only ate a cookie and some fried won-tons last night. I am pretty proud of myself for this, as I had a party at our house this weekend, and good foods was everywhere. I have to say that today, I feel pretty stinking good. Which goes to show you that I really just don't have the luxury of most people, and while some of my health habits are health motivated, ultimately my body rules, and I gotta watch myself. Sucks yes. But it is what it is.

In my world, when you can find something that tastes amazing, and you can eat it & incorporate it into like "normal" food, it's pretty exciting. I went to Costco this weekend for our BBQ, and came across these little wonders Terra Sweet Potato Chips. I was hoping that they would be good. I mean I use to love potato chips, and have been craving a substitute every since. I tried the rice crackers and such, but honestly most aren't even fit for birds. Tried to give some to my dog once, ya he wouldn't even eat them. SO when I saw these chips at Costco, it was like a light shined down on them. I was so excited. I busted open the bag AND YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! So yummy. So delicious and sooooooooooooooo good for you!!!! THANK YOU TERRA!!!!

Skinny or fat?

I was checking my facebook links this morning. I saw this interesting article by Cross-Fit which discusses the "image" of being skinny, body fat and what it means to be in shape. I think it brings up some valid points about our society and being "skinny".

"Skinny-Fat"

You are what you eat. Damn I hate when mom is right...

So for most people, this saying is true for the most part. Sure you shovel McDonald's crap inside of you for years, your body is going to show some negative effects. If you eat frys every damn day of the week, than sooner or later you muffin top will show and your energy will start to become drained. FOR MOST people this is the case, for me, I only have a few slips ups of the weeks till my body completely shuts down. I was sooooooooooooooo depressed yesterday and was so annoyed with the way I was feeling. Sure I had moments of slip ups, and moments where I eat a few things which I should not have (not because of diet people, because I SHOULDN'T eat them... i.e potato chips ='s inflammatory response) and I thought I could get away with it... My energy has been totally drained, I am up one hour and than down the next, my smile has slowly faded away off my face and most importantly I lost me somehow. Amongst the end of busy season and me FINALLY being out of school and licensed, I am suddenly approached with all this free time. Weird I know... Shut it. Imagine if for your whole life, you life for the term for the semester, than one day everything has changed. Your life is no longer ruled by books and that ultimate goal. Guess what folks, I made that goal. Fucking weird man.

Emotional Eating! NOT
GOOD!

I don't know really how to describe this, so I am trying my best. But I think after all these years of dreaming, wishing and hoping & finally getting it, it leaves a sort of let down if you may, maybe not right words, but how it feels. The way you feel on December 26th or January 2nd. Nothing special, all that hype and now nothing. It just is. See I have always been a motivated person and an activity person, and ALWAYS been thriving for that goal. Lately, I sleep alot. I mean a lot. My stomach/pelvic area is bugging me and you got about a 50/50 shot that I will actually show up to where I say I am going to.  (Again SO NOT ME).  My emotions are about as Waverly as Kate Moss is. One day I am up, the next day I am down. Seriously. It's like a fucking roller coaster ride and I want off. The binge eating makes me feel better. Makes me feel like fuck I don't know control over something. It's a weird feeling, and something when you tell people they look at you like you are crazy. Which in some ways, I might be. I don't know, but I know I have been depressed and not taking care of myself.

So today I awoke to a sun shiney amazing day, and I also awoke with a renewed spirit about me. I dont want to feel like I have been the last few weeks. I don't want the roller coaster and I don't want the illness. I want to give my body reasons to be healthy and happy, not the other way around. So I awoke this morning to my cat purring and resting next to me, and the sun shining, and I said today is going to be different. I had a conversation with my Hubbie about all this, to which he looked at me like I was crazy, but understanding. Cause well that is him and he is amazing like that ;-) I told him I needed the love back, and he said it goes both ways, it isn't a switch and he is right. After showering I headed to the store (after seeing an idea for a sandwich on Udi's GF Facebook Page) and got myself some healthy eating. Not for diet reasons, for flat out fucking sanity. Had some cottage cheese, cantaloupe and a banana for the morning. Went home and walked my dog in the sunshine (AMAZING) and than I made this bomb ass turkey sandwich with peppered turkey from Whole Foods, lettuce, Garlic/Herb mayo from Kraft, pickles and Udi's bread. It was YUMMMMY! Than I ate some creal and dairy-free cream cheese. God dammit I just feel better. And you know what, I am sick of being & feeling like shit, so today is a new day!!!!!

Feeling of barfing PLEASE go away..

So yes, yes yes I will admit, I went out Saturday night for my close friend's birthday and drank tequila which THERE IS A REASON why I don't drink tequila ;-) I figured my Sunday morning sickness feeling was not only a hangover, but also from the binging of food (AGAIN DAMMIT.. get back this) and opted that the way I was feeling is totally normal, and had nothing to do with my body. I went to mother's day brunch and nutted up, and had breakfast with my mom. Thankfully hubbie was exhausted and wanted to leave, so it gave me a way out. In my head however I totally wanted to do SO MUCH more with my Sunday. So I came home and slept off what I thought was a hangover. Awoke around 4ish, and do a few things around the house. Took my chemo meds around 5:00ish on an empty stomach since Hubbie was getting dinner, and BAM holy nauseated and sick to my stomach. I thought I could wait for hubbie to come back, but I couldnt and I quickly opened a Jello container, hoping to get not only some sugar into my body, but also some contents for my chemo meds. I google methrotraxte on an empty stomach, and supposedly its totally ok. Wasn't for me. I ate some pizza ( I know I know, TOTALLY should not have) and than I landed flat on my back for the duration of the night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but lay there. FML. Awesome. Passed it off as my horrible binging on Saturday night, and hoped I would awake this morning to a feeling better body.

Nope nice try lady. I feel completely nauseated and holy hot flashes. To top it off, I am still fucking nauseated and feeling sick to my stomach. Again, I passed it off as my chemo meds, and I forced myself to work out and eat lunch. Yep no more forcing, I don't feel good!!! My body hurts, I am having serious hot flashes and I feel like I am going to pass out at any minute. I had plans tonight which I canceled because I dont think I can even make it through work. I just want to go home, pop a painkiller and lay on the couch. Maybe eat some soup later. I am sooooooooooooooooooooo icky feeling on the inside and feel like I have the stomach flu again. Awesome. Just Awesome. Note to self. Seriously, maybe get help for binging on food. It isn't good for me, and recks hell on me for days after. How oh how to control that impulse when I drink. Seriously debating either going to a shrink for help on this, or reading some sort of book. I asked my hubbie for help, and you said you are stubborn, you wont listen to me when drunk~~~ Good point. Damn. Now back to work so I can go home.

Binge Eating?!?

So Cinco De Mayo was yesterday :-) Hubbie took me to this Peruvian/Mexican restaurant and we sipped on our $12 margaritas (which BTW are totally worth it) and I ordered chicken with green sauce stuffed in corn tortillas. I was good. I even took the Jack Cheese off the top of the tacos. The dinner was delicious and good for me, so it didn't make me feel like I wanted to die!!! We had a fun night of drinking margaritas with friends and we all ended up sharing a cab ride home. Here is where I go wrong. We get home, and hubbie passes out in bed, I decide I am hungry (which we eat at 6:00, and it was 1:00am so I really could be hungry) and be good and make rice pasta with Italian dressing. HOWEVER I had taken an ambien without thinking, and BAM there goes my rationale. I awoke this morning on the couch at 5am (sucks) and in front of me was a thing of dairy-free sour cream and some red sauce (not suppose to eat tomatoes remember) and I distinctly remember smelling chips. WTF had I done?!? But I slipped into bed, and got another hour of sleep hoping hubbie didn't realize that I had passed out on the couch. I awoke in the morning and looked at what food remains had been left around to figure out what I eat. See Ambien completely kills my memory. My husband hates it, and so do I. Normally when I take it, I just try to lay down, and not move for this exact reason. You become a walking zombie with no rationale brain function and if you stay awake through ambien, than you literally become unable to control your actions. Your brain is asleep.

From looking at the trash can, I see I ate the following. Rice Pasta (started healthy), a bag of Lays Sour Cream chips (which delicious I CAN'T EAT POTATOES!!! and something with sour cream and pizza sauce. Noooooooooooooooo clue wtf that was. I hate hate hate hate when I do this. Not only do I feel like complete shit the next day, but mentally I beat the shit out of myself. I bust my ass to stay in the shape I am and take care of myself, so it killlllllllllllllllllls me when I do this. I wake up the next morning feeling so ashamed of myself. So disgusted in myself. I hate it. It's embarrassing. I use to tell my hubbie when I did this, but I try so hard not to anymore, that I hide it to myself. 95% of the time I eat so well and watch my food intake because it makes me so fucking sick, but that 5% man I fall off the wagon and I fall bad. Lately it only happen about once a week. I need to just sit my ass down in bed or on the couch and not move at night. I have curbed the late night eating I use to (during busy season, I would eat every night around 11pm which I KNOW isn't and wasn't good for me). Being so limited on what I can eat, really fucks with your head. I don't think people understand how hard it is sometimes. I think Ambien totally makes me lose my sense of willpower. I know I am not suppose to eat chips, I know I can't eat cheese (which BTW I totally need to throw out of the house. I clearly have ZERO willpower) but I still do it. It's hard to tell yourself NO all the time.... *sigh*

How grocery stores trick ya.

Interesting video (it's short but to the point) by Michael Pollen on how the supermarkets set up consumers to fail on their diets, and go for the quick & processed foods.

Michael Pollen- Supermarket set-up

USDA top list of foods aka list of No-No foods!

Well given my food restrictions, this might as well be a list of the foods I CAN'T eat. Hmmmmmmmm maybe I should carry this list around so when people ask what I can't eat, BAM here is list LOL One thing came to mind when I read this... CALORIES CALORIES AND BAD FAT Lol

USDA top 10 sources of food

Bad Bad Bad Me :(

Sooooooooooooooooo I had a few drinks last night, and WAY to many smokes, and came home amped up on Diet Cokes and Rum drinks (I don't drink caffeine...) When I was enjoying the tasty beverage, I totally spaced that it was after 8:00 at night, and the affect caffeine has on you when you don't drink it. So around 11:00 hubbie went to bed, I tried but I just laid in bed and couldn't sleep, so I woke up. However I had already taken an Ambien (how I sleep) and I sat on the couch. Ambien has this crazy effect on me where if I stay awake through it, than I get sooooooooooooooo hungry and loss all sense of rationale with my brain and foods. So I made some nachos. I was good. Little Jack cheese, some dairy free sour cream and than some green sauce. But unfortunately I didn't stop there. Then I needed some chips, so I ate some nachos (still sort of within my food limits) and used some jack cheese slices to counter-act the nachos (they tasted really spicy to me). Yep I awoke at 5:00am with MASSIVE Pelvic cramping and ended up ON the toilet for little over an hour. It fucking suck man. I was dizzy, tried, disorientated and majorly hurting. Thank GOD I know my yoga breathing, and was able to breath through it, but man this one hurt. Than I went and got my heating pad and laid in bed for a bit, and finally was able to get comfortable. I am still feeling pretty exhausted and my stomach/pelvic area feels sore. BAD BAD BAD ME I know it is because of not only the Rum & Coke drink, but also the food I ate. My bad. I knew this was going to happen, but I still ate it anyways. Least I tried to stay within my food limits, and not eat something like a grilled cheese with cheddar. Anyways, I am struggling this morning, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed. I didn't go to sleep until after 1:00, and waking up at 5am, only left me with 4 hours of sleep.

Fuck the scale.

In a weak moment, I jumped on the scale after yoga class today, and I have since decided fuck the scale, what matters is how we feel on the inside. I am happy, healthy and work out/yoga 6 times a week. I bust my ass working out, and my body is starting to get toned and show some muscle. Sure I am 140 (125 per IUD) but apparently I am learning I was too skinny and not healthy. Hubbie informed me that my collar bone was sticking and he didn't like it. Sure I don't like being above 130, but with the hormones and my IUD, i think weight gain was part of the experience. I am not happy about it, but I am learning to adjust. I watch my caloric intake, and try my hardest to keep cheese out of my life. I watch what I eat and most importantly the portion sizes. Sucks, sure but so is life. I am still rocking my size 4 jeans, while they might be a little tighter, they are better than they were 1ish months ago during busy season, and I am feeling more comfortable in my skin. Gaining weight is never easy, but it's also just a number. Numbers are just that, numbers and how you choose to feel about them is up to you. My hubbie last night in all honesty hadn't seen me in my nakedness for a few weeks (with busy lifes, and also my IUD scare, it happened.. and maybe one or two drunken nights, so for the most part, he hadn't) and the way he looked at me made everything ok. He sees the beauty in me, and also sees the hard work of Jillian, riding my horses, pilates and yoga paying off. He even made a comment about how shapely my legs are getting. I need to just reshape the way I look at things. Sure I weigh 15lbs more, but supposedly no one sees it, and I am healthy. Plus I have hooters now which is an added bonus. LOL Moral of the story, fuck the scale it's just a number :-)

Divatastic Body

I think of all the positive things, and I try really hard to stay focused on that. I think of the way my pain use to rear it's ugly head in my body before, and the surgery which found nothing and the endless doctor appointments, and I have to say if you take the pre with the now, than sure the IUD has been amazing. I am annoyed with the spotting/bleeding and random pelvic pain. Saturday I was fine for majority of the day, yesterday was ok and today it's back to pelvic pain and some spotting. I don't know. My hormones have been through the roof with annoyance of the world last week, I am hoping that maybe this is just an adjustment period for my body. But who the fuck knows, who really every knows. All we can do is wake up in the morning and go through our day hoping that we do just that, make it through the day. I feel like some leveling out if happening, where I seem to be losing the "fat" part of the extra weight, and regaining my strength and tone in my body which is a nice feeling. Yes you two if you work out 6 days a week, and usually twice a week can tone your body back LOL Sarcasm you like that? No seriously everyone is different, and the way my body reacts totally depends as much as if a feather drops across the world, than my body feels it. It's a high maintenance bitch and the IUD has seriously put a cramp in it's flow (LOL in a good way). hahahahahah Funny. Anyways, I don't know. I think I am just ready for a change for the better for my "period" to go away, which really isn't even really a period, which I think makes it more annoying. One high maintenance diva bitch my body is. *sigh*