I'm stuck.. and I want to be unstuck.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

I am sick of being "stuck". I am stuck in a world of hurt, and I cant seem to move past it. No it isn't physical hurting, it is emotional hurting. I am stuck with the scars that Dr. Redwine left me reminding me every time i shower or got o the bathroom, of the painful surgery I endured, the emotional pain prior and the emotional pain after. I think of my ex-best friend who decided to humiliate and embarrass me in front of my old friends, and make a public scene out of it. I think of the friends I have lost, and the people I miss. I think of the money I have to spend to make up for this surgery which did nothing. I think of the pain and humiliation I suffered at the hands of others. I think of pain. If I stop thinking for a minute, I am consumed by pain. And quite frankly, I am sick of being stuck in this emotional pain. I am sick of crying every day, and being on the verge of pain. I am sick of being stuck. I miss the confident, loud and happy fun loving me. I miss the sexual being I use to be. I miss me, and quite frankly "me" has been gone since the middle of Sept. So for New years, I have opted to think of the following. As 2011 approaches, I think of what a whirlwind 2010 has been. So instead of making a resolution, I am just going to let go. Take in the good, and remember what is, is just that. It is. The only way to move forward, is to let go & stop being stuck.

I will remember the smart women I am. I will remember the obstacles I faced with passing my license, and I will remember how hard I have work at my job to become the business women I am. I will remember how I love to flirt and be sexual, and how I feel good about myself both inside and outwardly. If I don't feel good on the inside, than I will try and feel goof on the outside like my grandpa always said. I will remember on days where I hurt, that the hurt is temporary and that it will go away. I will remember to trust in people, and trust in the goodness of what friends and family do. I remember that sometimes in life, people come in and out of your life, and there were there for a reason, but sometimes we don't always know the reason. I will stand tall for the person I am, and the person I didn't let her make me in to. I will remember the good in life. I will remember how just because one doctor violated my trust, doesn't mean all doctors will. I will believe in the good of doctors, and why they became doctors. That not all doctors are there to hurt you, and sometimes in life you get taken advantage of, and its how one deals with it, hat shows true character. I will rise above the hurt, and move forward. I will remember the good, learn from the bad and cherish the loved.

I will find a healing power in something to cover the scars. I will find something to remind me of me, and the power & strength inside of me, not the scars which show a weaker side of me. I will find something which when I shower or use restroom, I find power in, not weakness. Much like Captial Planet and the power earth, wind, fire and water rings, I will find some thing which to me means strength and power, not weakness. I am done feeling weak. I am done feeling taken advantage of.

I am going through my office, and cleaning out my office. I am cleaner up the papers, and making files for things like pay stubs and health items. I am recycling health claims from over one year ago, and letting go of all the pain from Dr. Redwine. I am recycling the appeals letter, and letter I wrote to Dr. Redwine. It is saved in a safe place, and it will always be there if need be, but it is time to tuck it away. Just like I went through my facebook page, and deleted all old comments, tags and photos of an old friend who took advantage of my weaknesses, and showed them to the world. I will use the pain as a reminder of how sometimes people are just evil people, and their intentions are never good, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I am going to find my center again with the gym & yoga, and I will remember that i am working out for me, and no one else. I will find strength in the power of me. I think this says it best, I willl find strength in me. It's time to stop being stuck. This may not happen overnight, but the feeling of powerlessness has to go away. It's time to let go.

sometimes.. a smile is just hard

I don't know if it is the post weather blues, or if it is the holidays or what. But every time I turn around, I am just saddened. Seems as though things keep seeming to let me down. I am on a roller coaster and I want the fuck off. My body is In a tailspin of confusion starting with my "cycle" (use term loosely since I am on IUD) so I probably should call it shedding, not cycle. So anyways, that start last week and I got this awful cold on Christmas. It started the night before, to which I just thought I was having an allergy attack, and it turns out my nose is like a faucet and leaking like a seave. I was drugged on allergy meds and painkillers for most of Christmas, turns out it wasn't everything I thought it would be and more. I just felt like crap. I guarantee you if any of my family members where as sick as I was, they would be whining and bitching, but I sucked it up. I just generally have been down this week or so. I feel very emotionally exhausted. Lot of things have happened in the last montt or so, and I find myself an emotional wreck, since I am having a hard time being strong... I am just emotionally exhausted and well my heart hurts. It has been quite the ride this last few months with SO MANY things going on both personally and through work. I think mentally I am just done with 2010. Bring on 2011.

I have gained 10lbs. Which I am finding out from most people this is a good thing, apparently I look "better" with 10lbs on me. Somehow I beg to differ with them. At 5'7" and weighing 125ish this summer, I will admit that i was getting a little worried about being slender, and bones, but I felt good (for the most part) and damnit for the first time EVER in life I could rock a bikini and be happy about it. I felt good. Which people don't seem to get that. Granted I am a size 4 still, and I can still wear the same clothes, but I think I just have put some junk in the trunk and also some on the sides, which I guess is a good thing. But I am having a hard time with it. I don't feel tone, and I FEEL like I weigh a lot more and it bugs me. I Don't like feeling bloated majority of the time, which is how I feel. However I know that come busy season, and the Lake trip coming up in May, I will be back on the work-out/toning trip soon.

Day after Christmas

Christmas was a great time filled with good family and good times. Even though I thought I was having a massive allergy attack, it turned into a massive cold. My eyes and nose would not stop running. I felt like I was a dripping fac=ucet! I made the best of it, and tried my hardest to say Merry and Cheery even on allergy pills and a pile of tissues on hand! Santa was very nice to me this year. I got lots of yoga clothes for the new year, and also work clothes. My hubbie got me an awesome piece of art that says rules to live by from the Dali Lama. I love it. I also got a yoga book from hubbie that goes into the various moves of yoga, and what the orgin is behind them. It was decided by me ad my husband, I would find a saying or a word in yoga or Buddhist practice that I would tattoo over my awful scars from Dr. Redwine's scam surgery. I need something to cover them up, every time I look at them, it makes me sad. So I begin the quest to find something to cover them up! Rather it be a saying or a yoga pose, I dot know. But I am sure it will hit me and touch my soul when I see it.

Started my "period" yesterday. All though it really isn't, it is just my body trying to adjust to the IUD and shed out the remaining levels in my body. Might make sense why I was so exhausted last week, or also the cold that came and smacked me in the face. The blood is darker and a different color, which only amplifies that it is my body trying to shed off the excess. I have had some cramping that started a fe days ago, which again makes sense since my body is trying to adjust to IUD. Everything says that the first 3 months is full of randomness with bleeding & spotting. So far the experience has been ok. I feel pretty swollen lately, but with the hormones I am sure that is bond to happen. Thankfully yoga seems to help that.

Since the New Year is looming close by, and it has been quite the ride the last few months, my hubbie and I trying to surround ourselves by genuine and amazing people who truly care. Not just when they feel like it, but the truly care about not only our friendship, but us as people. The last few months have been hard in learning this lesson, bu also been amazing because we are seeing the true nature of some people, and how truly selfish and ugly some people can be in life. It is important to us at our age, to surround ourselves with positive and good people. While its a hard lesson to learn, I think we are learning it and learning that sometimes some people just don't need to be in your life... All right time to log off, as my sneezing attacks from my cold are back...

Tis the season..

To be jolllllllllllllllllllly Fa-la-la-la :D Yes I am in a relatively good mood today. Tuesday night we had dinner at a friends house, and I awoke that evening at 3:46am to the WORST cramping and stomach pains. Than spend the next 2 hours on the toilet. i concluded that either I got food poisoning of my dear friend pout something in the chicken which clearly my body did not agree with. About 5:00 or so yesterday, I started to feel better and like myself again. I have been experiencing some cramping and mild spotting, but normally this would be my week for my Aunt Flow to fly into town, so i would think that my body is trying to adjust to that difference with the IUD in. The cramping from Tuesday night was definitely stomach, and this is for sure girlie parts cramping. I am trying to breath my way through them, and honestly it isn't anything I cant handle and I am hoping that it stays this way!!! Tomorrow being Christmas Eve, I doubt I will have time to post anything, so I post my Christmas Cheer now ;-)

So this time of year, it is important to give thanks to the things ion life we feel truly grateful for...
1) My hubbie who we have worked through some of the hardest time in life, and come out loving each other more than we did before
2) My amazing family
3) That I managed to get my license ;-)
4) That I have a home to call home
5) I am thankful for the ability to move onward and upward in life
6) I am thankful my incredible spirit to never give up and ALWAYS see the positive in life.

Merry Christmas to all!!! May you remember what you are thankful for and enjoy the holidays!

Pork. the "other white meat".

This is common debate amongst my family members with the holidays near. (Oh how I love when people tell me what I CAN and CANNOT eat.. thanks food police) Debate is a ham or turkey for the marvelous Christmas dinner that my mom makes every year. Well this year I cut out red meat since my surgery, and have noticed my bleeding all most completely gone, so rather or not it is classified as red meat, I have cut it out, and it has been working, so I stay. Plus I fele like it is a slippery slope. If I add pork back into my diet, than what else is next?!? French frys? Ooooooooooo wait not, I ate those on Sunday in a moment of drunken Sunday Funday weakness. Paid for it ALL DAY yesterday and today I finally am feeling a little better... NO NO NO NO frys.. BAD! So back to the debate on pork being a red meat. Here is some interesting info that I found.

Its myoglobin content is lower than beef, but much higher than chicken white meat. The USDA treats pork as a red meat. Pork is very high in thiamine.

In 1987 the U.S. National Pork Board began an advertising campaign to position pork as "the other white meat", due to a public perception of chicken and turkey (white meat) as more healthy than red meat. The campaign was highly successful and resulted in 87% of consumers identifying pork with the slogan. As of 2005, the slogan is still used in marketing pork, with some variations.

Its myoglobin content is lower than beef, but much higher than chicken white meat. The USDA treats pork as a red meat. Pork is very high in thiamine.

In 1987 the U.S. National Pork Board began an advertising campaign to position pork as "the other white meat", due to a public perception of chicken and turkey (white meat) as more healthy than red meat. The campaign was highly successful and resulted in 87% of consumers identifying pork with the slogan. As of 2005, the slogan is still used in marketing pork, with some variations.

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_pork_red_meat_or_white_meat#ixzz18ljHRuiF

So if the USDA treats pork as a red meat, than why isnt the rest of America?!? Well in the late 80's, the campaign for pork went as follows: pork commerical and recently the Pork Board dropped the campaign. 

 

So what is it about Pork that people say is as bad as beef? Growth hormones are routinely used for beef and dairy cows to get them to grow quicker and faster. Faster growth = faster time to market and more meat/milk per head = higher profits. Chicken and pork in the US at least do not have any "approved" growth hormones, although how strictly this is policed I am not sure. In any case, powerful antibiotics that allow chicken and pork to survive and grow even in insanitary "factory farms" may have just as much residual harmful effect on our bodies as growth hormone. http://www.ournakedfood.com . For a good article on the controversy over the growth hormone,  see here.

 

I think with inflammation problems, and chronic illness, it is important for anyone to take a look at what they are eating. The BIGGEST change in all my health aliments has been my eating habits and also my exercise. It is important for people to be informed about what they are putting into their mouths.

 

Side note. Tested my urine for the acidic level, which normally is SO LOW on the PH scale, that it doesn't even register above 6.00. Anything 6.6 and below is acidic, 6.7 is normal. Today mine was about 6.5. I all most fell off the toilet seat!!! That's a good sign.

 

I have been feeling sort of blah this last week. Sunday night I took my weekly chemo meds, and than I slept. I slept from 6:00 on through the morning. I was just so exhausted. Yesterday they continued to kick my ass (on top of the fryes I eat) and I was just so exhausted. I told my hubbie I wasn't sure I wanted to go to my yoga class, he looked at me like I was crazy!!! So I awoke this morning to a smile, and me feeling like I wanted to go to yoga. I am still mildly exhausted, but I have the drive, and as long as I have the drive, I want to go!!!! So I am planning on going. Sleep has just been something my body craves lately. I am sleeping like 9-11 hours a night. Hubie asked if I was ok, I just said my body feels like resting, so I am letting it :D

Letter to Dr. Redwine & Staff

It's going in the mail today.

Dear Dr. Redwine & Staff,
First off, please write off my remaining bill for $87, I feel that I have given your office enough  money, and feel completely lied to and cheated out of my surgery fee, and I don't feel that I need to pay your office another dime of my money. You want to fight me over $87, than you are only proving everything I have read about your office and experienced this year.

Second, I have been told by several people and my family, that I should come meet with Dr. Redwine personally, and tell him all this, but in all honesty I don't want to spend another minute in that office, nor do I have the strength to meet with Dr. Redwine in person.  I tried filing an appeal with our insurance company, but they don't want to take accountability for anyone, and your office is completely blowing the accountability as well. My only other recourse would be small claims court or talking to the State of Oregon Medical Board, for I don't feel as though my best interests where at heart with Dr. Redwine, and he has completely lost track of helping patients, and just sees the dollar signs. I am not sure mentally I want to pursue any of those options, because it brings up wounds of a surgery which cured nothing, $6,800 I might of well burned and also scars in my body which I will forever have a reminder of a painful ordeal, which resulted in NOTHING being solved.

I would of NEVER agreed to this surgery had I known that NONE of it would be reimbursed. I could NEVER afford it. I was told my Lifewise that on August 30th, someone (I believe Dina) called to verify with my insurance the surgery, and the procedure code. To which my insurance company told your office, that 1) no pre-authorization was needed and 2) that $1,450 would be the ALLOWABLE fee for this surgery, and that it would only be applied towards my deductible, and nothing would be reimbursed to me. I was than called by your office who I in-trusted (shame on me) that you had chatted with my insurance company and that no pre-authorization was needed. NO ONE mentioned that other part of the conversation, as apparently it slipped your mind that I would be out $6,800 for the surgery. Granted shame on me for not calling my insurance, to which i was relaying on the ethics and trust in your office, and believing that you always had my best interests at heart. Which clearly you and your office doesn't. I was always up front and honest with you & your office, that I could not afforded this fee, and if you remember correctly I had to round up the money, and when I came in 3 years ago, and in April of 2010 I walked out of the office because I couldn't afford your fee. Not only that, I had always been quit clear that I did not want to go through laproscopy again, as it was painful anda long healing process. When I came into your office in August, I was in pain & hurting, and looking for help. I also had hit my 100% paid deductible for the year, and was under the impression part of this would be reimbursed. I TRUSTED in you, because you were always one of the good guys, who wanted to help patients. Now it’s quite clear you only see dollar signs. After reading around Endo blogs and other posts I subscribe to, it is quite clear I am not the only one who thinks this way. Had your office been honest and ethical, and TOLD ME THE TRUTH about my out of pocket, I could of avoided the surgery, and seeked other treatments. It’s bad enough mentally to deal with a surgery which HEALED NOTHING, but to deal with scars for nothing and also $6,800 fee which might be the straw that broke the camel’s back for our finances, but knowing that a doctor’s office whom I have trusted ALL MY LIFE, completely lied to me shatters all I believed in doctors. You were suppose to be one the good ones.

Not only that, but your sense of dismissal and vagueness with not only my family, but me on this whole surgery is completely baffling. You lead me to believe that I was going to lose part of my bowels, and that I should prepare myself for the worst, so myself and my family did. Mentally it ripped me apart.  Come to find out on the pre-operative reports stated “minimal Endo with no bowel endo”. WHAT?!?!? So you knew going into the surgery?!? That’s complete crap. If you would of given me those words, I would of NEVER agreed to be cut open. I would of NEVER agreed to this surgery. You lead me to believe I had severe bowel Endo, and all along you knew that you thought if would be minimal with no bowel involvement, which completely goes against everything you had told me, and been telling. What happened to having the patients best interest?!?!

When I came into your office asking about the surgery, I was completely floored by your dismissal of my pain, and how your suggestion involved AGAIN another surgery. This time you wanted to remove my uterus, at 31 years old with no children. What happened to thinking what is best for the patient?!? I asked about having children, and you said that “Biology was determining this for me”. Ummmm last I checked I am 31, not 41 and your comment was completely rude and insensitive. You completely dismissed my requests on where to go from here, and in fact suggested I go see your occupant in your office for pelvic therapy. This thought didn't cross your mind PRIOR to operating on me?!? Again what happened to helping the patient? Another quite clear red flag that you were purely seeking financial rewards and not even concerned with your patent's needs or wants. You didn't even think of mentioning this to me PRIOR to cutting me open?!? And now you are suggesting that I let you cut me open again, this time with an even vaguer diagnosis? Have you read up on this disease? There is tons of alternative means to try and treat this disease, and other tests which can be ran to aid in diagnose. How can you even think as a licensed doctor that ripping out my uterus would be the best means for helping my pain?! Oh that’s right, you would get MORE $$ from me, and yet have zero accountability for your lack of caring for the patient.

Since recovery, both mentally & physically, I have since seeked a second opinion about my symptoms, and had an IUD put in (which I asked you for several times, and on numerous occasions you refused to even acknowledge it as a possibility), started acupuncture & yoga. Also a request you completely blew off, about cutting out red meat, I had done since the surgery. And you know what?!?!? So far, its been relieving my symptoms. Maybe you should spend some time researching the alternative therapies for your patients, and stop being so damn surgery happy. I have seeked those “holistic things” which you completely dismissed in the last 3+ years, and at our last meeting. You need to recognize that Endo is something which patients can also seek treatment other means, not just your all mighty surgery. It’s really sad, I believed in you 100% and I was one of your biggest supporters. You healed me when i was 19, and I have always thought the world of you. Based on your recent action with me, as well as in the paper, it is quite clear somewhere along the way, you lost track of what really matters, the patient, and not your checkbook.  Since my IUD was put in 2 weeks ago, I have started running again for the first time in over 7 months, and resumed slowly my day-to-day life. Since acupuncture my bleeding has been cut down by half, and pain is slowly fading away. I have seeked some therapy appointments to deal with the complete let down of a surgery which did NOTHING, and also dealing with being lied to by a doctor I have trusted for most of my life.  I don't have any way  to seek recourse for this, but I feel it’s principle, and it’s your profession which you have worked so hard for. So if anything, maybe this will make you think twice while you practice, and realize someday Karma will come around and bite you in the ass.

Karma caught up?!?

Dr. Redwine's website is currently:

http://www.endometriosistreatment.org/html/patient.html

In case you don't want to take the time to click on it.... Here is what it says:

endometriosistreatment.org expired on 12/04/2010 and is pending renewal or deletion

God I hope Karma has caught up to him....

We all need timelines..

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity”

Well maybe most people don't, but I do. With all the meds I am on, and now an IUD in my vajaja so I can't get prego, I need a timeline. My hubbie informed me that he is being pushed by his work to go to school and get his degree!!! I am SUPER excited for this and supportive. Me personally with 2 degrees and my CPA license, I am always one to support continuing education!!! It is a BIG step for him, and one I know @ 28 years old, I am sure he is scared to death. He is a perfectionist, and like to do everything just right. His motto is "Do it once, do it right". I am super excited and stoked for him, while this puts off us having children for another year or so, at this point I dont think it will matter. See in my career, I want to be a partner, and being a partner means lots of hours and lots of time. I have sacrificed SO MUCH for my career, that at this point why stop now?!? I feel however I need a timeline. Not only to push myself, but to also push hubbie into graduating and getting his degree ASAP!! I am thinking that for my 34th birthday will be the mark of going off my meds, and also getting my IUD out. Its 2.5 years from now, and it takes 3-4 cycles for the IUD and my meds to be clear of my body.... My birthday is June, so this would be perfect time.... and I wouldn't be extremely prego during the toughest time of my job!!! Now... time to talk to Hubbie about this ;-)

IUD is going well. Last night I had some pretty awful cramping.. All though I think it is because I ate some Chinese food which technically I am not suppose to eat... it hurt pretty bad, but I tried to recognize this, and just lay down & take it easy.. Woke up this morning ok, and felt pretty sick this morning. However I don't think that this has anything to do with the IUD, more so the lack of good choices for food :D My spotting is getting less and less, and the cramps are as well. In fact it sometimes feel like I don't even have it in.. Which is good. I am sure it is like my tattoo. Sooner or later I will forget it... I have been thinking positive the whole time, and trying to think this will work... I believe in the power of positive thinking ;-)

Been watching Giuliana and Bill on MyStyle Network. It has been my lunch therapy lately. She is struggling with IVF and Bill is SO MUCH like my hubbie. He is caring and so kind to G, in fact I completely admire their relationship. I <3 her name to!!! This week she is in the ER for symptoms that put her there after her IVF treatment, and I can just relate to Bill when he talks about G being sick.. It makes me think of what my Hubie must go through.. I always say it has to be harder on him that on me sometimes... I watch her and him & I can relate to their relationship SO MUCH!!! I cry every time I watch that show at some point in the hour it is on. In a good way.. I think part of it is realizing what you have.. and knowing some battles you may have in store for you in the future. Nonetheless, some people might find this show boring... but to me, I find it completely amazing!

Letter is going to go out tomorrow to Redwine. I have reviewed it a few times, and added a few things. I am so upset and hurt about this. .Nothing like owing $8,000 + from a surgery which did nothing, solved nothing and you never had the money for, and you lost all your trust in your doctor from it... *rolls eyes* At this point, I just want to close my eyes, and make it go away. I am planning on sending letter tomorrow, and hopefully never hearing from that bastard again.

Exhausted...

     “Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”
I am completely exhausted mentally, which is a change for me. Normally I am exhausted physically, which in turn stems into mentally. But lately, it seems I am fightiny mental exhaustion, more than anything else... I am mentally exhausted from dealing with being scammed by my doctor. My last recourse is to either 1) Sue him (which I can't afford since he took all my money) 2) Small claims court (again $$) and 3) turn him into the Medical State Board (still debating...) and 4) writing him s letter from the heart explaining how he wronged me, and how he has lost touch with reality. I only have option 4. For I believe in karma, and god I hope karma bites in his big greedy pockets. I will also be posting the letter I write here, in my blog, for others to search for. In hopes of when other suffering patients seek treatment from him, they think twice about what really are his motives. I wrote the letter, but I am going to think on it for a night....

IUD is going really well! Today I am having some spotting & cramping, but nothing which is to distracting... It is to be expected as my body levels out.. I wake up in the morning, I tend to have more cramping than any other time of day. Weird. It usually makes me a little worried, and once I awake and take a shower, it usually mellows out. Scary though to wake up to. Not sleeping very well. Even with ambien. I think I have just A LOT of my mind, and having a hard time just resting.  Next week my period "should" start (if I didn't have the IUD), so it will be interesting how my bowels and my body reacts. Some people report having a flow for one or two months after, some report nothing but spotting. Right now I fall into the spotting category, but usually more so in the morning. Again weird.. I think my body does some funky doings at night!!! I am still remaining positive though, and looking forward to the good aspects about it... No better time than the winter to let my body adjust. Cold out and who thinks of wearing bikinis and shorts int he winter? Besides here pretty soon I am going to be working all the time anyways, so it's perfect timing!!!!

The day I discovered I have a booty...

All i gotta say is wow, I had no idea in the 31 years of my life... I never realized I have a booty This may seem weird to ya all.. But I went from so many sizes in my life, and through the last 3 years, I have gone through a lot of changes... I have been a size 16 to a size 4 (which i am right now)... and all along I thought when I got healthier and lost 60+ lbs, that somehow I guess I thought y booty would go away... Its weird. I really need to start going with my gut instinct more, because I bet it is really sick of saying "I told you so" all the damn time. it seems like every time I get a feeling for something, within the next 24 hours, , my gut feeling is confirmed. Its fucking weird man.. Anything to my best friend & our relationship falling apart, to me realizing that i have a booty. I literally tried on a dress today that I turned around in, and I was like BAM there is my booty... So it is weird that after 31 years of my life, suddenly I realize that I have a booty... So ya, I think its time for me to start going with my gut instinct....There is this whole life out there I have been missing out on during my licensing process... and missing out on my health. I said 4 or so weeks ago, I was getting my life back, and god fucking damnit I meant it... This is MY LIFE & I am reclaiming it... I am me.

Life is precious...

I received a phone call from my om earlier this afternoon. She said "Your father was in the ER all day, they thought he had a stroke.." followed by a long pause.. I think I all most fell out of my chair.. She went on to tell me that he was dizzy, throwing up and seeing double. The doctor than sent him to immediate care as they are all signs of stroke... n I felt a lump in my throat. I couldn't move. She continued with he was headed home, and had to be under close watch... I felt like I was going to throw up... She told me that they ruled out some things, but his vertigo was there and they couldn't figure out why... I couldn't move. She hung up and said I will keep you posted... I felt sick. I walked into the offices of fellow co-workers... and said I had to go... As I was driving home I came to a little, and realize something.. He is my whole life. My job, my dad, my me. I dont even know what I could do without him...He's my ideal and someone I have always admired to b in life both personally and professionally,. He cant be sick.. Than I think I am 31 and he is 60... I felt that lump in the back of my throat again... *Gulp* I don't even know what I would do with myself... Life is precious... Hold it dear...Say a prayer tonight,., As lord please tell me this surely to will pass.

Letting go in Yoga

First off I wrote my 4 page letter of appeal to my insurance company for Dr. Redwine's office for never conveying the truth about how my insurance wouldn't cover i.e reimburse me for any of it.. Turns out it was 4 pages, and I included 10 different documents showing how he lead me to believe one thing, and all along I think he just wanted the money.... Sort of healing. Appeal takes 15-30 days,.. I am hoping I win this one... Looking back through all the documents, he totally mislead me.

Now on to the positive things. My IUD thus far has been AMAZING and slowly every day I notice a difference. Sex was good.. Well as good as two people who have been SWORN to use condoms and be careful for the last 3.5 years could be LOL We both were so nervous and unsure what to expect. HOWEVER I think we both realizing how this could benefit out intimacy and general being together. I didn't realize how much condoms really changed our sex life!!!! On another plus side, after we had sex I didn't think or notice it all day long. Normally after sex I hurt.. and my lowers girly part areas just feel inflamed for that day if not days afterwards. So so far, the verdict is good :D

Had my yoga class today with instructor Phyllis. Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee her!! So today we were focusing ont he 2nd chakra which is the bittersweet aspect of live. More or less "Shit happens". As we went through the practice, I could feel the energy moving throughout my body.. It was amazing. i could feel the stretches going deeper and deeper, and than finally as we were calming down our bodies, I went into a pose and as Phyllis said "Let goooooooooooooooo" and let your 2nd charky go. I started to have tears stroll down my face, and I could feel myself letting goooooo. it was an epic moment in Yoga ;-)

Which brings me to my new project. I don't have my license, cant really focus on bringing in clients into the firm as the busy season is fast approaching, so i found one today. Plain and simple "To practice Yoga at least 4 times a week. " I want to explained my yoga practice and keep working towards moment like these. Between yoga, acupuncture, new insurance and lifestyle changes, I feel like 2011 is going to be my year ;-)

Blah

Just sort of in a blah mood today. Not happy nor am I sad, just blah. The weight of medical expenses is really starting to get me down.... It's hard when our friends are going on vacations & buying nice things, and here my hubbie & I are trying to just pay down some debt from both medical expenses and also credit cards from trying to get those medical expenses.... I think of all the times that I just sat back and did whatever the doctor told me to do.. Like the braces I got when my periodontist told me that I ever had to have another 5 skin grafts or braces, which I went with braces since skin graft was so horribly painful... Did I really need either? Would my teeth really of fallen out.... My braces cost $5,000, which I have amazing teeth now, but was it really worth it? I think prior to Dr. Redwine fucking me over, I always listened to what the doctor advised and what they said, I never really thought of the cost of it all, or where it would land me in the future. I just wanted an answer and a cure I suppose. Something to end the pain... Something with an answer. Something... I am just frustrated because I think of all the times I should of really thought if I "needed" something, and how much it would cost me in the future. I am thankful for Doc Stevens who didn't stop till he found an answer for my eyes... I am thankful my hubbie has always supported me, and loved me through this all. I am thankful for the house which we live in, and the life which we live together... I am trying so hard to dig out of this debt we are in... Starting Jan 2011, we are going on a strict budget with hopes of getting everything paid off in 2012. I just want to live a normal life, and not be drowning in medical debt and guilt.

IUD update:
Still cramping (which is to be expected) and the doctor warned me that it might happen for a few days up to a couple of weeks. My body sometimes lets me forget about it, but I would say majority of time, I still know it's there... Spotting pretty  minimal this weekend, but today is heavier than this weekend. Hubbie & I are going to try sex and see how it goes.. I am nervous for it, but excited at the same time... I think in the long run this will be more than worth it, but I am just trying to take it one day at a time...

I.U.D in.....

First off, HOLY PAIN!!! I can't imagine going through that sober. I took a Valium AND a pain killer before. The first time that the doc measured to see how long to cut the cords for, I all most fell off the table. However I will say that the cramping felt very similar to my cramping I get in the middle of the night with stomach pains & diarrhea.  However this was only a moment, and normally my pain last an hour or so....Than I went through some deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breathing that I learned through energy medicine and also yoga, and was able to make it through the insertion process. My hubbie drove me home, and I spent the next 3  hours on the couch in incredible pain wondering what the hell I had just done to myself, and that I would never be able to get through the pain... Than after a nap around 5:00ish I suddenly felt a pang of adjustment and got up to do some dishes and clean the house. Still some pain, but able to work through it, cut down my Valium and pain killer in half, and was able to do some stuff. Went to bed hoping that I would awake with a greater sense of less cramping.

Feeling better this morning. Still mild cramping and my rectal area is inflammed and my bladder. Which makes sense though since well i got a plastic device shoved up my vajaja yesterday. I am hoping and trying to look forward to the positiveness this can bring to not only my health my me and hubbie's sex life. I really feel like the condoms have been inflaming me worse, and if my body can just calm the fuck down, and get use to this, it can really benefit me and my hubbie. Now to just make it through the next few weeks ;-)

IUD today...& scammed by doctor....

Gulp I am both nervous and excited. My hubbie and I are both excited and trying to look at the positive. I am scared, because I never know how my body will react... HOWEVER I am trying to be upbeat and look for the good.. I am hoping that I can make it through the inseration!!! I had a friend who couldn't even make it through the insertion, she said noooooooooooo. All though come to find out, her doc just told her to take Ibuprofen and THATS IT!!!!! I dont think I wold be able yo make it either yo!!!! 

So last night took this med Cytotec which is suppose to help "loosen" up the area... yaj I got horribly and violently ill last night with stomach cramps and pain. It was awful. I get these episodes sometimes, so it really wants a shock, but this one hurt more than normal... Talked to mom and she said sometimes this happens, because it "loosens" everything up. Also found out this is the med which they give to people after 8 weeks of pregnancy... Weird. I stopped researching it after I read that... Sometimes it is better to not have all the knowledge... 

So I am home, awaiting my hubbie to pick me up. I popped a valium and a pain killer, per doctors recommendation, and I am hoping for the best. I use heavy breathing exercises when I have stomach cramping & upset during the middle of the night, so I am hoping that will help me get through this. Hubbue brought up a good point, I have been worse i.e surgery, so I am hoping this will be a peace of cake.

Now on another note. DR. REDWINE's aka Doc SurgeryHappy office completely took advantage of me.... I called my insurance company to find out where my $6800 check was from the insurance company for the UPFRONT fee of his surgery fee I spent for my surgery which did nothing. To which the insurance company informed me that on Aug 30th, they spoke with his office and told their surgery coordinator that 1) he was an out of netowrk provider and 2) none of the upfront fee would be reimbursed and to top it off, only $1450 is the allowable amount for the procedure, which went towards my out of pocket deductible. NONE OF THIS WAS RELAYED TO ME... Doc Surgery Happy took advantage of my situation. lead me to believe that surgery was my only option, and THAN his office took my $6800 up front fully knowing that none of it would come back... I am appealing with with the insurance company, who was on my side knowing his shady side which is coming out and helped me to appeal the process. I am currently awaiting the paperwork for this, and appeal it. Insurance company will decide and they will hopefully reimburse me and than go after him!!!!! SHAME ON YOU Dr. REDWINE!!!! You totally have lost site of helping your patients and why you are doing what you are doing..... After that, anything remaining I am taking the bastard to Small Claims court.Its bad enough the surgery did nothing, and he wanted to give me a hysterectomy, but NOW TO TAKE MY MONEY. Fuck you. You were suppose to be one of the good ones......