Abandonment

Who would of thought?!? 2 weeks ago when my husband got diagnosed with depression, I threw myself out there, and reached out to people who I thought wold be supportive, kind and loving of the situation. I thought in telling them that I was reaching out to people who would care & be there for me... Ask me how I was doing or how my hubbie was doing. I thought in reaching out to these "friends" that it would be an open communication with these people & try to be honest with them... It's been a rough few months, and honestly I have been hiding from most people, including myself & my hubbie.. I thought in opening up, it would create some trust & people to stand by your side... While in the process of telling these people, I had a friend of mine whom I met earlier this year tell me (when I opened up to him) that his friend, who is a girl and her husband where battling the same thing.. He told me to be prepared to have most of the people who you thought were your friends, to completely abandon you.. I thought he was crazy. Turns out he was right... Since that week when I opened up to people, I haven't heard one thing from any of them. Not a hey... how is your hubbie? Or a how are you doing with all this? Nothing. Through it all, 2 people have been there for me, maybe 3 and keep an open & caring communication with me. It's crazy and completely baffling. I "thought" these people were my friends. Hell one of them actually I held his hand daily through his divorce earlier in the year, and walked him through one of the worst times in his life... The daily emails, texts and crazy communication between him and his now ex-wife.. I guess I thought we developed a true friendship with each other, and if it came time for me to need a friend, turns out he hasn't been there at all..

Does it make me not want to open up to people? Sure. Does it make me want to close off my heart to anyone and everyone except my hubbie and my family? Sure.. But I won't, I just see things in a different light. Life just seems different. Hubbie fights every day for a smile or a good moment, and i have to say since he started his meds, and tried to approach life differently, I have noticed a change. Even the simple little words "I am having a tough day today" mean so much. He is talking to me about the way he feels, and that my friends is a step in the right direction. What does this mean to us? Again I have no idea. What matters right now is his strength, and helping to find the fight within himself. One day at a time... I love and care for him, and want to see him smile. I want him to find the happiness that has been ever eluding him for years and pushed him slowly into depression. I've been trying to put myself on the shelf for a few days/weeks while I try and help him out of depression.. Slowly though however, I need to remember myself & what makes me happy.. I need to get my ass back to doing the things that I love to do... I can't lose the fight in myself while I am helping him fight.... It's important to remember what makes myself tick, which I working on him finding out what makes himself tick... Somehow... Someway I will find that balance I've been missing for months.... But for now, I gotta fight this cold & fever I have had for the last 2 days... So for now, I will work through this in my head, and try to plan things again so I can slowly find that balance.

Hmmmm where to start?!?

Hmmmm where to start?!!? Maybe I should just start somewhere and work my way from there...

IUD:
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it.. It has been all most a year since I got the damn thing in, and I have to say that I haven't looked back. Every month shit gets better and better, and less painful. My cramps get better, my bleeding gets less and less (which is awesome because I think now it's just dried blood up there) and well my general well being around that time is just better. I only bleed (remember I bleed out of both holes LOL) maybe 5 days a week which is awesome and a half!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU IUD!!!

My hubbie's depression is still there (which DUH I know it would be). He has been on medication now for a week, and I see some differences. It's so nice to see him smile and laugh again. Today he says he is feeling sort of down, I said that's normal, and you are going to have good days and bad days, but the key here is that HE IS TALKING to me about it. Expressing when he is feeling sad which is a step in the right direction. He also told me that he opened up to some friends this weekend, which is also super good. Being a partner in a relationship when one person is depressed is hard, it isn't about you... or your marriage or your relationship.. The person just feels down and my job as someone who loves them is to support them, and say it's okay to have a bad day or you are having an awesome day let's celebrate it!!! It's tough. People you thought were your friends... you find out really out. However through the darkness you see sometimes a strength in a friendship that you didn't know existed. It's a struggle and a battle for us, but I know that if we work together, we can get through anything.

My body got horribly mad Saturday.. SO MAD... After drinking and not eating all day during football, we went to a Mexican restaurant.. to which I eat and had another cocktail and BAM my body decided to rage a world war 3 on me.. It was horrible. HOWEVER my hubbie really stepped up, and took care of me. While he was rubbing my back as I was throwing up, I realized how amazing of a person he is.. and deep down inside I know he loves me.. It's just hidden by some clouds right now...

All right work time...

Soo time to re-group..

I don't have time right now to blog about this.. but I will say I had to AMAZING friends help me today.. just by listening and being there.. One friend said something that sparked something in me...

******* got knocked down, ***** got back up. It's time for ***** to roar, what will that sound like

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGv7BXBW9S4

I can't help his depression.. He needs to want to help himself. Taking a magic pill isn't the only answer.. and tonight I am going to sit down with him, ask him what HIS steps (without my guidance are) and his plan of action. I understand that right now he hurts.. and it's hard. However a friend of mine helped me to see the difference between clincially depressed (medication forever) and depressed (needs some help in life).... I can't allow myself to suffer and "fix" him.. He has to want to fix it himself.. I will support, love and guide him, but I cannot and WILL NOT be the answer.... It has to be a change in his heart.....

Depression is depressing..

It's tough.. It's looking at someone from the outside, and seeing how bad they hurt and you can't fix it. However hard I try, and help him, he is just so hour by hour. I spent the last week staying home for him, and taking care of him... and I feel like I am dying on the inside. I am striving any feelings, emotions or basically anything because I don't know how he will take it. I am scared about how he will react. I feel like even if he is just studying in his office, I need to be there... and to be quite honest I am sure I can do this. I look at life differently. When something comes across your world, you need to educate yourself and fight with all your might. Hubbie made a comment the other day which triggered and also scared the shit out of me. He said "I just need to wait to have these meds kick in.. and I'll be feeling better.".. Wait?!?!? WHAT?!? I politely and kindly responded with well, I think you need to make some lifestyle changes, and while in combination with your meds, you can see what works. Because clearly what you are doing isn't working... Also his blood pressure is through the roof, and his cholesterol. To mean this is all his body fighting and reacting to the way he has been feeling mentally. I have the opposite problem, my body reacts and than my mind does. Bitch of auto-immune diseases.

Anyways, I have been stuck in this weird world of putting myself on the shelf. I spent the last week making sure I was home for him, doing what he needed and basically taking care of him. I am exhausted. I am miserable and I am happy to be at work. I can't function like this, and it has nothing to do with me being a bad person or a bad wife... I just think that some responsibility needs to fall on his shoulders, and making himself better. I don't think it all should come on me. I understand that I need to be there for him, but I also feel like if I just sat at home, and didn't do me, come my busy time at work.. I will be working 12-14 hour days 7 days a week for about 3 months, I can't be the one to pick him up.. I can't be the one to always fix him, because I wont be there in a few months. He needs to develop some lifestyle changes and things for himself. Right now, all I see is him relying on me, and me taking care of him. Which is fine, however I also think that he needs to be able to function, and right now he can't do that. The million dollar question... If he becomes functionally and healthy again....  Is it still there?!? Can we be "normal" again? Is there to much hurt?!? Fuck I don't know anymore..

I tried to open up to friends about it last week, and I did. I had one friend who I THOUGHT was completely supportive and there with me. I talked to him about how I wanted to separate from my hubbie, as the love just wasn't there anymore. Come to find out, he is severely depressed, and has been for awhile. Which in turn "my friend" sends me a bombardment of TEXTS stating how it was all my fault, I was fake, that I had no soul, why was/am I even married, it's all my fault ect... My response was how completely this shattered my soul... His response more or less, my real or fake soul. I haven't responded to him since, and I to be honest I don't know how to. Different friend, who I basically held his hand through his divorce and his depression, hasn't said shit to me... Really dude?!?!? Another friend, who is also a therapist, I opened up to, said if you knew any books or ways to educate myself... and haven't heard anything from her. Another friend, haven't heard from since Friday.. Awesome. Thank you all for being such awesome friends... On the plus side I suppose. I am finding out who my real friends are... but it's painful as hell, and right now I dont know how much more pain I can handle..

Baby Steps

Hubbie went and saw therapist and doc yesterday. They are going to start him on a low grade anti-depressant which he starts today. I am mildly concerned though that he sees this as the only thing he needs to change in his life, and I don't see it that way. In no way do I want him to become dependent on the medication. He needs to make adjustments to his lifestyle, and incorporate such things as physical activity and things for himself. I would imagine it's hard when you are depressed to not want to see the magic in just taking a little pill to feel better. Hell I know that sometimes with my health issues I wish that there was a little magic pill I could take, and feel magically better. I am hoping through my love and support, that we can fight through this. I don't know where our marriage stands, but it doesn't matter He isn't himself, and what matter right now is him getting healthy and back to a functioning state of mind. I am not sure how to support him, I mean I can try but I feel like I need to educate myself and try to learn ways to get him feeling up to doing things.... I cant imagine the sadness he must be feeling inside his soul right now. It breaks my heart.



Day 3 I think with metrodolizone meds.. Tingling in my leg has gone done, and I really as of this far, haven't notice any major changes besides that. In all honesty I don't know what to except. Hubbie keeps telling me to go to the doctor, but with my current medical clinic bill about to be paid off, I am hestistant. I know what these meds can do to you, and I am pretty sure I have been on them for over 3 years.. Would that be considered long term? I think it would... and fucking everything I read tells me that LONG TERM IS BAD... So even without the tingling, I think it's better off. I mean shit these anti-toics are meant to treat more or less the bubic plague... no joke. it's a HARD CORE med... I am scared.. sure... but what can I do?!? I don't have a choice. Looking at the long term effects, I think it's time to wing it and see. I am hoping my gums dont decide to rage a war on me.. and that these anti-botics are in fact not doing anything but harm to my body.. I really dont want to have to make the decision where which side-effects are least?!!?

Average person & Heated yoga...

Hahahaha I always wondered the "average" person thought of heated yoga. I would imagine this is a pretty good account of it. LOL

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2604350472.html

Day 1- No Metro

Damn dude this seems so insignificant in light of my hubbie's illness.. HOWEVER I feel like I need to document it somewhere.. so here I go.

Day 2, night 1 of no metrodolizone (spelling.. google it. Google will fix it).
I don't know how I feel about this. Quite frankly I don't know what the fuck will happen.. No clue.. But I do know based on the massive tingling in my leg for the last week +, it's fucking time to go off of it.. I guess we shall see what will happen... Tingling has decreased a little.. which is promising...Trying to remain positive. I don't know what will happen... No fucking clue...

Shit I need to get my ass back to Yoga tomorrow.. ASAP...

Depression.. what a bitch

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

Penelope Sweet quotes

No not me... Come to find out my husband is completely and horribly severely depressed :( This is something that I think has been brewing for a long time, and it has completely over-come him. Turns out our marriage isn't in trouble, he is. This isn't about me, this is about him & getting him healthy. I am so thankful that I am the fighter that I am, and that I don't give up on people. I tried to look at him and his behavior and see if there was a pattern, and sure enough one emerged. Also I did some research and pulled my educated brain out from my 1st degree and thought about these patterns.. what do they mean?!? They have to mean more... and so I found a pattern.... Take for example the classic symptoms of depression:

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much - YEP!!! All he does is sleep.. he can't sleep enough. I use to think he just needed more sleep than the normal... than he told me that he awoke at 1:00am last week crying his eyes out, about his fucked up family (we will get in to that later...) Hmmm irregular sleep patterns. Check
• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult - Got to the point asking him to go to the store or wash clothes was a challenge. Use to think it was me.. Nope.  
• you feel hopeless and helpless - Turns out I HAD NO IDEA.... Explains why our marriage has suffered over the last few months.. He feels like it doesn't matter... nothing matters ect... Check another one
• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try -His negativity reminds me of my mother.. I see the world in positiveness, try anyways... his "downer" thoughts started to get to me.. Turns out he can't see the world any other way :(
• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating - Wasn't sure on this one.. After I made him dinner last night, and went to lunch today.. I stopped to think about it and at the most he was eating a bowl of cereal for dinner.. Ya no... Not eating.
• you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual - Yep. Completely. Total asshole, which he is normally a complete laid-back and sweet man, so this trait again confused me... Again makes sense now
• you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior - Yep EXSPECIALLY hard A. When he drinks Hard A and not beer he turns in to a complete raging asshole.. almost violent, not towards me but I could see it progressing there.. this is partially what started to cue me. Plus when he tried to drive home after 10+ cocktails, I KNEW something was up...
• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case) - I don't know the answer to this... but I do know that it's possible.

Thankfully for right now... least there is an answer. I know it wont be easy, I know that this is a day by day thing.. Having had a physical aliment for SO MANY years, I understand how hard it is when you feel sad... when things look gloom. His mental health matters just as much, if not more than physical health. I think one factor which might of added to this, is my health issues for so long... I talked to him about it last night.... I think of this one story.

Just went to have surgery on my eyes.. awesome... Doc sent me home to early and I was still to heavily medicated.. I fooled him.. It wasn't his fault. I seemed more "sober" and ready for surgery than I was. I went home. Hubbie put me on the couch, and said I will be right back. He had to run across the street and pick up the painkillers. No biggie.. However I was still high & out of it from surgery, and I got up.. HUGE MISTAKE... See when you had eye surgery, you can't move..



Now people this wasn't fluffy lasic surgery.. this was cut part of your eye off with a scapula, and heal in 6-8 weeks. Fucked up shit... So while he was gone, my delirious self got up, and went to the mirror.. Moving around jarred my eye, and I look in the mirror to see blood dripping OUT OF MY FUCKING EYE.. You ant to talk about fucking making you feel crazy and freak out!!! Hubbie came home. I was laying on the bed, crying tears of BLOOD and completely hysterical... Ya dude.. words cannot describe this story.....

So... this story is one of many of my 5+ years of pain, surgery, healing and repeat.. So I know the combination of his family (fuck them by the way.. they treat him like shit), my health and general genetic pre-disposition to depression, I completely understand why he feels the way that he feels... I feel so bad for him. We went to lunch today and he had tears twice. He is so sad.. and so hurt.. and doesn't understand any of it :( This is all knew to him... and he realized yesterday how he was feeling. I always sort of had an idea, but could never get him to see it.. I also didn't realize the severity of it... I am thankful that I have the tools, knowledge, resources and the mental strength to be there for him. I know the road ahead wont be easy, but what matter now is him.... Tomorrow he begins a new way of feeling. He is going in to see the primary care physician and also a therapist. For the first time ever, I think for him this is anew beginning. Please say a prayer for all those people who are fighting depression out there. It's a lonely disease no matter how surrounded you are by people who love you, you don't see it.





Fuck

Seriously FUCK!!!

I currently take Metronidazole, which I have been on for awhile, and quite frankly I hate the fact that I am on it. Few years ago when I went on it (which it's suppose to be a short term thing, and for some reason my body likes it) I had an allergic reaction to it, and had to down my dosage. I started to get this weird tingling in my legs, and felt like they were asleep. I remember it because it was on Halloween, and we had a house full of people, and I remember freaking the fuck out in my head when it happened. Since than, I cut back my dosage and every once and while, had moments where the tingling would come back. Well fuck. Now it's back all the time and it's scaring the shit out of me. I don't like it. I think I am going to have to finally cut it out, and see what happens. I don't think I need I need to see my doctor on this one, shit man I have been on it for years, I think maybe it's time to get off. It's a freaky fucking feeling man, I feel like my leg is going to fall asleep and fall off. I cut the medication down to 1/4, but the tingling is still happening. It FREAKS ME OUT. When I lay on the couch at night, I can feel my ankle tingling, and I HATE IT.. I get these thoughts of not being able to walk someday.. so I think it's time to wean myself off of them. I have NO IDEA WTF will happen, but I can't handle this tingling anymore. and I KNOW it's an allergic reaction which means my body is done with it. I was going to post more.. but after reading below.. somehow I just can't seem to think of anything else.

WOW JUST READ THIS!!!! AWESOME! NOT! I think the time has come to go off!
Common adverse drug reactions (≥1% of patients) associated with systemic metronidazole therapy include: nausea, diarrhea, and/or metallic taste in the mouth. Intravenous administration is commonly associated with thrombophlebitis. Infrequent adverse effects include: hypersensitivity reactions (rash, itch, flushing, fever), headache, dizziness, vomiting, glossitis, stomatitis, dark urine, and/or paraesthesia.^[3] High doses and/or long-term systemic treatment with metronidazole is associated with the development of leukopenia, neutropenia, increased risk of peripheral neuropathy and/or CNS toxicity.^[3]

Metronidazole is listed by the US National Toxicology Program (NTP) as reasonably anticipated to be a human carcinogen. Although some of the testing methods have been questioned^{[citation needed]}, oral exposure has been shown to cause cancer in experimental animals.^[8] The relationship between exposure to metronidazole and human cancer is unclear.^[8] One study (Beard et al. 1988) found an excess in lung cancer among women (even after adjusting for smoking), while other studies (IARC 1987; Thapa et al. 1998) found either no increased risk, or a statistically insignificant risk.^{[8] [9]} It appears to have a fairly low potential for cancer risk and under most circumstances the benefits of treatment outweigh the risk. Metronidazole is listed as a possible carcinogen according to the WHO International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC).^[10]

Due to its potential carcinogenic properties, metronidazole is banned in the EU and the USA for veterinary use in the feed of animals and is banned for use in any food animals in the USA.^[11][12] In the USA, this type of restriction is covered under the Delaney clause.

Earlier studies suggested a relation between metronidazole and various birth defects. Those studies are now considered flawed and more recent studies "do not support a significant increased risk for birth defects or other adverse effects on the fetus."^[13]

Common adverse drug reactions associated with topical metronidazole therapy include local redness, dryness, and/or skin irritation; and eye watering (if applied near eyes).^[3]

AHHHHHH stress

See here is the pisser about auto-immune issues, they are triggered by STRESS! Which helps nothing when financially you are trying to decide if you want to keep your house, working on being a partner in a firm, working with money problems from health issues and oh yea, trying to figure out if you marriage can survive all this shit, or if the pain is just to much. Sacrificing is a bitch, you have to decide if it is worth it. I made myself sick studying for and obtaining my education and license. But I MADE the choice to deal with it. The nature of my marriage was sacrificed, but I did it because I made the choice. When you are dealing with stress triggered diseases and well life right now is stressful it's super hard. You have to make this conscientious decision to try and put those things behind you, and live you life. Because IF YOU DON'T you literally will make yourself fucking sick. Balling your head off for hours over a relationship, only triggers my issues. See it isnt just the fucking normal marriage problems, I get to deal with bury vision, stabbing pain in my eyes for hours & a massive headache because MY EYES aren't suppose to tear. My body gets mad and it fucking blows. I can give myself one day to try and feel things, and that's all I can give... literally or my body will fucvking trigger itself, and attack me. Thanks dude. Like it isn't hard enough trying to figure out if your husband even loves you anymore, losing your house and trying to make those decisions, but I have to try and make my body believe that everything will be okay.... Bugger of a bitch. So now, so we fought at lunch and I more or less told him I think we are over, but now I get to deal with the stabbing eye pain & headache for the rest of the day, while I am constantly reminded that emotionally I am a fucking wreck. *sigh* Awesome, my bladder & girlie part is inflammed, and I am bleeding feeling like I have the worst bladder infection ever. Ahhhhh stress.

Fuck you daylight savings time

I know.. I know.. I know... MOST people would LOVE having the clock set back one hour, hell you in theory gain an extra hour of sleep right?!? Well I say FUCK YOU! I couldn't sleep last night, I just felt a void. I stayed home from work till 9:00ish hoping to get some sleep. That was an awesome plan till my husband decided to let his alarm go off every 5 mins till I kindly told him if he didn't shut it off and get up, or shut it off and stay the fuck in bed I would chop his balls off. I am cranky, sleepy and my uterus feels like it is screaming bloody hell. SO FAR not impressed with you daylight savings.. AT ALL!!!!

Ooooooooooo and this whole cramping without a period... It's like a double edged sword with this IUD.. I have good days and bad days but right now I could stab someone in the eyes and scream bloody murder.... I am tense, cranky and generally wanting to throttle someone by the throat. So for the safety of others, I am headed home to some wine & Monday Night Football (laughing my fucking ass off right now at how grumpy I am!!!!!) FUCK YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!