WillPower is a funny thing....

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”


Just reading this article from a facebook link I saw in my news updates. "What you expect of your willpower, you just might get" It is discussing Willpower. How the very nature of willpower it limiting IF the person believes they are in fact limited on willpower... I go back and forth on this very issue...For myself, everything I do requires willpower. Hell even getting out of bed sometimes is a sheer act of willpower. Not because I am exhausted or lazy, like most people, but because I hurt and I NEVER KNOW what the day will bring for my body. Ever.. Hell I dont even know what the hour will bring. Every minute and every second of my life is willpower. Ever time I eat, I inact willpower. Every time I work out I do. Because every single thing I do usually hurts in some way or another. Oooooo for a day of pain free living?!? What would that ever be like? Back to my point. Willpower. Every time I eat it is willpower. I can't eat this or I cant eat this.... When I am out with friends and they all order fries & tator tots. Nope, cant eat em. Friends all decide to order some friend calamari, nope cant eat that either. Its like one giant playground and I can only ride the teeter-tot.... by myself. I refuse to say this, but sometimes I see people acting in certain ways, and I am like really?!?! You are complaining about this? Suck it up, life could be worse.... or stop being such a pansy ass... It could be worse. I hate saying it, and I hate being that person,  but for real, sometimes people need to nut the fuck up... A close friend of mine once told me that God (I will say life) only throws you what you can handle... Well God/life, I think I have had to handle enough, stop throwing things at me!!!!!!

Appointment tomorrow with the Energy Medicine Doctor. Eager and excited to try something new. I think by now we are on plan SD... Needed to go with doubler initials, I am like the IRS, I am running out of letters to name my plans (much like their forms) so I have moved to double letters. LOL I always believe their is an other option and another choice.. It may take me some time to find that other choice, but I always believe that their is a plan ______. Life is one big giant choice. We all make them. We all deal with them.. Just some of us have to make harder decisions every single day of our lives.... Eager and excited for tomorrow, for something new... But scared and soul troubling to go over ALL my health problems in one meeting. Gets a little depressing an overwhelming for even me!!!

Mind, body and working together

Been blogging with some fellow chronic pain peeps, and I have to say I am completely thankful and happy I got the pleasure of connecting with these people... Due to their posts, and my responses & blogging back & forth, I have realized that I need a second opinion... That I need to talk to another OB/GYN who doesnt immediately want to rip out my girlie parts, and call it good. Shall we say "Surgery Happy". Much like button happy with a older person and the computer LOL

So here is my plan. I looked at all the girlie docs in the area (I do live in a small town. By small I mean under 100,000 peeps up in the jeep.)  I researched all the doctors in the area (THANK YOU google maps LOL) and most were "this doc is licensed from blah blah blah and enjoys fishing & playing tennis with his wife... ect.. ect... and than I stumbled across this women who bought the practice from another docot r about 4 years ago or so (nice younger Doctor) and under the "About us" section I read the following..

A D.O. is a physician who, like an M.D., is licensed to prescribe medicine and perform surgery in all 50 states.  D.O. stands for Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine and signifies someone who has graduated from four years of medical school and three to five years of residency.  D.O.'s may practice in any area of medicine from primary care to neurosurgery.

How are D.O.'s Different ?D.O.'s are different than M.D.'s because they attend osteopathic medical schools,  where the philosophy is holistic, focusing on the whole person rather than just their symptoms.  Osteopathic medicine emphasizes disease prevention through diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle.  D.O.'s receive extra training in osteopathic manipulative medicine (OMM), a physical skill used to diagnose and treat problems with the muscles, bones and nerves.  OMM can be used to treat problems ranging from headaches to pelvic pain.  With the addition of OMM to the traditional skill set, D.O.'s offer the most comprehensive care in medicine today.

Granted I am not having any joint pain, BUT this means that the doctor is willing to treat the WHOLE body and not just rip out parts and through me under the knife again.  My plan is to discuss with her various treatment options for myself for heavy periods and also discuss the possiblty of IUD for birth control prevention and also for my general well being. Let's call old Doc... hmmmmmm Doc McHappySuregon saw me was I was on depo for 8+ years, and obviously my body was deciding that it had had enough. So he put me on MORE hormones via hormonal supplements ON TOP of the depo and my body completely fell apart.. Looking back at it, I think it was the beginning of my body "Out of Zen" aka fucking out of wack... So Doc McHappySurgeon took me off all my hormones, and life was great for awhile, and THAN wam all my supposed "bowel endometerosis" symptoms came back and he told me I needed surgery, to which I told him there had to be other otpions.... Waited all summer, massive & burning inflammation came back & he told me I have no other choice.. I even went home to my hubbie and said "We have no other choice." When one of the best surgeons in the country tells you that, you listen."

Flash forward to now, and I remember having conversations with him about the IUD and how it could benefit me potentially. It also could have opposite effect, but hey you only know if you try right?!?!? People with endo shouldn't have IUDs... fair enough. But I just spent $4,000 OUT of pocket for someone to tell my endo for when I was younger had not returned. So BAM let's rule that out.... So second opinion much sought after.... and after the feelings of rage and being cheated my Doc McHappySurgeon, I have refocused and gathered my thoughts... So step one : Find new doctor we like <3

Step two: Body & Mind. So I was researching girlie to switch to, and I came across a Doctor who works in an area called Energy Medicine. I started to read up on the practicing of it, and I firmly believe it can be of some benefit to me. I have aways said that my body is completely out of harmony with each other... Its always fighting and raging war on other parts of my body.. Exhausting.... I started Acupuncture about 4 weeks ago, and did the first standard 3/week and now awaiting my next one next week. I personally have noticed some benefits to acupuncture in "harmonizing" my body. My inflammation on my behind has gone down, and for the last 2 days I have been able to work out. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! So I am game to try finding the correct energy in my body.  Appointment is this Friday :D Kind of cool. Check out the 9 primary energy systems and to me it toally makes sense how if one if out of wack, the rest will follow...

I did yoga today at lunch. Breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. <3 me some yoga. Thank god to, cause one more person pissed me off I was going to snap.. All ready yelled at my best friend and hubbie this morning... Period started.. isnt my fault. Stop pissing me off. I could feel how out of wack my body was... Moves I could hold for minutes before, now I shake greatly trying level one. Shows how out of harmony and zen my body got just from prior surgery & post surgery recovery. Birkam yoga is on my list, HOWEVER need to get strength & stamina back!!!
Hokay gotta run and get some work done.... Lots to do :D More to say, but not enough time for today....

NAMASTA *nods*




Energy Medicine

so sick of being sick

    “A healthy body is a guest chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison”

This morning is one of those mornings where I wonder if it is really worth getting out of bed for. I spent all day yesterday with the hide-a-bed pulled out, and sleeping/being sick in front of the tv. Even the simple act of getting up to eat seemed horribly painful. Originally I thought I was just hung-over from the amazing evening before, but as the hangover went away, i realized that my body is riddled with pain and suffering from well, being it's self. I spent the day drifting in and out of consciousness. It was awful. Made myself some simple grilled chicken, rice pasta and rice toast. Which promptly less than 5 mins later I was in the bathroom getting violently ill for 30mins+ or so. Well so much for eating.. It's overrated for today I guess. I had the worst stomach cramps every, my IC is incredibly flared, hormones again with period about to start ANY TIME NOW (helllllllllllllo) and today is reportedly the lowest pressure of the year.. Which also greatly effects my body. My inflammation is so massive throughout everywhere today it is simply amazing. My head is foggy and all I want to do is go back to bed. But I don't, because i am a fighter. I come into work and I am going to try and get some work accomplished today.

Gotta call around for a second opinion on my issues. I really feel like something else can be done, or should be done or something to try and alleviate the days my hormones are fucking with me like this. Every month, like clockwork I know I am going to feel like death. Stabbing pains in both my ab area and also my lower ab area.... Massive stomach cramps and inability to eat or keep anything down. I am dizzy and disorientated.,.. So goal for today. Make it through today. Call doctor to get a second opinion...

So fucking shitty feeling today :(

Rip it out..

It's all relative.. and to me it's INCREDIBLY relative today!!!!

Days like today.. Where I feel like I am going to pee my pants, my stomach is all fucked up and I generally hurt make me want to just rip out my fucking uterus. I have an AMAZING day ahead of me..a modeling gig and than I am volunteering my time for a local charity event, and I am so excited. I just feel like death.. I hurt everywhere... I try and hide the pain, because I have to... and I know (and hope) it will subside in any given hour or time... But I am just sick of it.. i think of the struggles I got through every day, and the meds I take and I wonder can I really even have kids.... I don't know... Today is just an incredibly hard day... I am a positive person, and I will move forward & onward like I always do... plus my period is going to start this weekend which ALWAYS makes all my symptoms flare... Makes all my wires in my body go completely haywire... I am hoping a day of getting my hair done, modeling & volunteering my time with wash away the pain for the day... *sigh*

yo yo

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

Smoke-free- I don't count in days anymore... 95% of the time I am, win.

So where to start....

Monday was my doctors appt with my surgeon who took all the blood work from me in the week prior to try and see if I had a blood clotting disease or disorder. Guess what?!? They all came back normal of course. Than the doc informed me that i needed a hysterectomy, or my pain wouldn't subside. Than he informed me that I was allowing mother nature to decide for me if I wanted to have kids or not?!? WTF? seriously.. Dude I am 31. I am not 41. Pissed me off a little. So I gathered my thoughts and politely put the knife that was stabbed in my heart back into the place it came from, and asked him about pain management. Would he oblige me in pain management for the next little while... until I could figure out a plan... He agreed... Asked if I needed more meds. I was like JESUS!!! no!! (He gave me 60 Darvocet and 25 Valium + an extra prescription 4 weeks ago.. IF I had taken all that. Holy crap I wouldn't even be functional!!!!)

I am so fucking sick of people pressuring me with children. I am so sick at having to make this decision at 31 if I want to have kids, should I have them now and if not, do I yank out the one womanly right that us women have?!? Well besides the awful periods... which I honestly don't know if I would still have those.... hmmmm. Still ovaries but no uterus. Where would that leave me!?!? Again, MORE fucking questions. I am so sick of questions.. So sick of being sick... So annoyed with women who think getting pregnant is the end all of end all, and somehow because I don't know if I can give birth, that somehow converts into the fact that  I don't want to have children... Somehow I find myself plagued by the bitterness of these omwne who "judge" me when they met me and are puzzled why I don't have kids.. Goes to show you, that you NEVER know the battle someone is facing, so you should always respect their privacy AND smile. It could just make their day!!!

So far now my hubbie and I have agreed to take it one day at a time and not worry about kids for now. Whatever happens happen, and Right now kids or ripping out my uterus (dude its a BODY ORGAN) isn't happening. Trying to enjoy each other and the time we do have. Enjoy life. Enjoy everything we can down to the simple things... I am going try and regain my strength and stamina as quickly as I can without hurting myself... Sure I still hurt. Sure I wish the pain would go away. Sure I wish the surgery fixed everything. But it's here to stay, all I can do is adjust and no it didn't fix anything... So for now. Live. Laugh. Love.

That is Monday. Today is Today.

"Do not think of how big the universe is, it will merely hurt your head.” -Buddha-

Smoke-Free- Does it really fucking matter? Just that I am being strong.

Just had acupuncture today, and lunch with a really good friend of mine. Started out the day feeling like crap, and now I am feeling soulfully settled. Feels nice. Something about acupuncture & a best friend that calms my soul.

Found a Buddhist meditation class that meets every Monday night. While I all ready made plans for this Monday night, I think I am going to try and make the following week. I really think that it would be good for the soul to take an hour and half of my time and just "be". In addition, since I went to Thailand when I was 15 years old, and I saw a spirit house. I was so sick on all the meds I had and was taking (at the time I had chronic migraines and was on experimental medication). I went outside while my family was out riding elephants and watched this tiny little blue spirit house. I saw a spirit floating out of it, like my life would never be the same. I am excited to try and tap into this energy once again, and find this spirit that floated out of the spirit house, and into my soul. The very spirit that has been directly me to always be a believer.. In fact, I now know what i think I am going to get a tattoo over my laproscopy scars for. A blue spirit house. I can still picture the very same spirit house in my head.. The same spirit house that I said I would not let this disease effect me, and today was not my day to die. I have always taked about this spirit house and this experience I had... Oooooooooo I love this idea.

Day today should be a soul healing one. Hubbie is headed out hunting, and I am going to spend the weekend doing what I WANT to do, and spend time with the people I love and care for.. Spend time with myself. I am looking forward to it.. and I am also looking forward to my husband to get time away with the guys, and not worry about his wife. Monday is test results time, and never an easy day. Even if the tests come back negative, it is still something that is hard to deal with. Another answer not solved. If they do come back positive, than another journey down doctor row....

But THAT's Monday. Today is today and I shall enjoy this day :D

First day back in the saddle

A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.  ~Pam Brown

Technically (mins my relapse) today would be 4 weeks :D Woot!

Got back in the saddle last night. I threw on my riding boots, and a saddle on my favorite western pony (she is short and adorable, so i call her my pony) and went for a ride before the sun set. It felt AMAZING to be back in the saddle. I love my horses. It is my yoga and sense of calm. Horses dont care about how you feel or what you are wearing, they just want to be loved. I rode my girlie-girlie at a nice slow pace, and posted every so slightly. By the end of it, oh ya, I hurt. Sorry Doctor, guess you were right!!! LOL BUT I refuse to keep living my life like a sick person, so what if I have alittle pain, what else is new?!? I had to go home, pop some meds & lay down on the couch & rest. No move, I think my insides were jiggled enough LOL All totally worth it, and I love my horses more than anything. I have had them my whole life, and the amount of zen and calm that comes over me when I ride is amazing. Suddenly everything else just seems so much simpler and less stressful.

Mantra

Breathe innnnnnnnnnnnn. Breatheeee out.. Repeat.

Smoke-Free- Meh I lost count, I don't smoke anymore...

So I was reading this magazine, I believe it was Whole Living, but for the life of me I am completely spacing it. It was an article on mantras and how they can be beneficial to people. In current culture, mantra is seen as a "mission statement". However in yogic tradition, the origination of the word or verse when repeated is suppose to create sonic vibrations that encourage spiritual awakening. Whole Living-Mantra.

While reading this article, I found myself wondering if I had such a mantra like this... and I thought of it. Last Monday I got all this blood work done to determine if I have a rare blood disorder. One of the tests, they purposefully cut your arm, and watch it bleed to see how long it takes to bleed. Which FYI sounds about as awful as it is. I turned my head away from the lady, and in m y head I kept saying "Happy Place. Happy Place. Happy Place" and slowly felt as the pain went away, and I somehow became lost inside of my head. I than realized this is my mantra. My Happy Place. The place that i go when I awaiting a doctor or an IV to be inserted into my arm or while I am having incredible pain. I find my Happy Place and it manifests my body into a world where pain is relative, and I am no longer in pain but in my Happy Place. With deep breaths in and out while I repeat in my head, I think of my Happy Place. Hmmmmm funny how in touch I am with my body and spiritual living and I don't even know it.... all though I am started to realize it slowly.

Odd world it would be if I come back positive for a blood disorder. See here is why. My horse when I was 12 years old, got scared and went to jump over a fence. However he jumped over the portion where the post was at, and hence while he jumped he stabbed himself int he lung with the fence post. Now I was 12 years old, my parents where on a hike with my sister, it was a holiday and cell phones back than came with a giant case and could only work in a rare blue Moon. So I sat on the ground next to my horse, literally dying in my arms. The vet took hours since it was a Holiday,. my parents came home to crying little girl with a horse that was dying slowly inside. Permanently scared me on horse blood in case you are wondering... If I see horse blood, triggers that painful day. ANYWAYS, so here the odd thing. Turns out my horses injuries alone should not of been life threatening, however after speaking with the vet and doing some research, turns out the vet thought he had a blood clotting disorder....to which I researched like crazy all through out my teens... Way of healing I suppose. How odd of a twist in life would it be for myself to be diagnosed with the very same condition?!?!?!? Results come back next Monday. Till than, no sense in stressing myself out. Doctors tell me I am under to much stress anyways. LOL

What a weekend....

What does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

Smoke-Free days-0

I fell off the wagon this weekend on Sunday.... I completely feel apart...My husband and I spent 7 hrs discussing us and how we need to make it through this right now. We have been through sooooooooooooooooooooo much and right now we need to focus on "us" and "selfs". Part of that entails me healing my soul in the health traumas that I have had to deal with my whole life. In part of this healing is education & finding support out there. I am working on starting a Pelvic Pain Support group, in hopes of not only connecting with other sufferers but also in hope of not being alone anymore with the pain. In addition, I am seeking out the help of a therapist. i think it is time for me to work through the pain and scars I have received from all the health issues over last 15+ years. Plus today I got get my blood work drawn for the blood clotting disorders, find out next week..  I think I need to "grief" and so does my husband for the potential life which we planned, not working out the way we wanted. Sure their is adoption, and sure there is other choices. However, we have to grief and get through his together. Because it is only going to get harder, not easier. We have been through so much, and it cant all be for nothing. We have to be in this together, as one... So today, we start working on "us" and selfs.

Yes I failed and bought a pack of smokes... Should I have. No. I feel like I got ran over by a bus today, which is all to be expected given the fact I smoked. I feel awful and ashamed, but the only thing I can do is hold my chin up, and keep moving forward. I have no desire to be a smoker again, and I dont want to.... For one my body cant handle it and for two it's gross!!!!!

I would go over how I feel today. But between the combo of opening a giant wound with my marriage, getting blood work drawn today and meds I take weekly (took last night) I feel like a complete zombie & I hurt everywhere... Stress triggers my pain, and last night, I couldn't even move. My husband and I ended up laying ont he couch, and he just held me while I slept. it was nice.

Welp off to work and to find a suitable meeting place for the meeting. I plan on going around to all the OB/GYNs and women's clinics in the area. Thinking meeting in Nov would be enough ample time...

Post Surgery Blues

I am a warrior. Warriors never lose hope, because when they lose hope, they lose the battle.

Smoke-Free 19 days... WOW.

Had to go off my chemo meds (lower my immune system from OVERreacting to everything & also known as chemo drugs) prior to the surgery and the week after. NOW my body is starting to play catch up. I noticed my eyes are getting a little fuzzy, and my vision just isnt as sharp. I would imagine, and feel like this is from my body trying to attack my corneas again & build scar tissue, since I went off the meds for 3 weeks... Doesn't surprise me really. I am not going to worry about it until my allergies calm down, been on meds for 2+ more weeks to get back to "normal" or as I call it living.... One day at a time.. Right now, I am still reeling and dealing with Pelvic issues...

On a happier note, things I have noticed since I am now Smoke-Free:
1)When I get stressed out, I deal with things better. Sure I panic and still feel panicked, but I "deal" with things better. Doesn't seem so overwhelming all the time. Life just seems simpler.. All though reality it is still the same life, just smoke-free
2)Food tastes different. Like salt. Hubbie use to always complain that I didnt salt everything enough... Now apparently I salt things to much. LOL no hunniers, I actually just follow the recipe because salt tastes like well, salt.
3)Time flyssssssssssss by during the time. Since I am not constantly watching the clock for when I am going to get my next smoke break
4)Breathe taste better
5)Inflammation in lower area is cutting down every day... Co-winky-dink.. Not sure. Still investigating....
Someday I will tell my parents I didn't actually quit 2 years ago.. yes, I am in my 30's and still afraid of my parents.. dad not so much.... Him and I are identically. Mom. Ya she scares the shit out of me.... Love her, but she scares me... She is more judging than god sometimes... Swear... No joke... and she has this way of making you feel like she isn't judging you, but still judging you.. Weird.

Note to Self: Pat self on back for quitting cold-turkey after smoking a pack a day & with EVERYTHING I did in life;-)

Another day...

““To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other.””

Smoke-Free 18 days

Blah. It has to go easier. I will never go back, but mentally it has been a tough ass road... Sometimes I have flares of wanting to kill the driver in front of me because they used their turn signal going INTO a round about.. god that shit pisses me off... Or the quick snap at my hubbie.. But the way I look at it, for ALL THOSE TIMES I let shit go after I had a smoke, than call this payback for all the shit I let go previously....Note to self: THANK GOD I didn't decide to publicize on facebook that I went smoke-free...

Well I got a raise today. Should be a pretty exciting moment and day for me, but somehow it tuned into this arguement betwen me and my hubbie. He tells me that "Dude nice." Really?!? Thats his response?! Something so exciting & something I have wotked so fucking hard for nad literially scarificed my marriage and my health for this license.... and his response is "Dude nice." WOW...

Hubbie has a cold. You would think he is losing his spleen or his lung. Every noise that he makes, every sniff that he makes is soooooooooooo execrated and painful sounding to him. Its hard not to laugh at him. Like really? Spend a day in my life Hell my left eye is spazing out on me again (scary thought for reasons I haven't even gone into yet) and I was happy to not spend the day bleeding like a faucet & I could make it whole day at work. He gets a runny nose, and somehow he thinks he is going to die. I gave him some cold medicine, and he is in bed now. I said I needed some alone time. I guess its a kind reminder of how everyone's pain threshold and what they are willing to deal with & tolerate is all different. If I stayed home for every day i felt "off", than I would never work. It just makes me laugh inside my head a little.... 

Did some light beginner yoga tonight. trying to work my way back u to where I was at. Jillian Michaels every day for 4-5 times a week, running and riding my horses. I am dying for some sense of normalcy with this. Just did some sun sals and felt like my arms were rubber. My flexibility on the cobra was ridicilouslllllllllllly low. I than went for a walk, and my legs and arms are all ready sore, so I am imagining that tomorrow will be hard. 

Slowly but surely I am going to to do the following:

Start a Pevlic Pain non-profit or least case support group

Start getting my 6-pack abs back & my pre-surgery body

Work on building my clients at my firm

RIDING MY HORSES!!!!

Each day, I will work towards these few simple goals which matter to me...... To work on bettering me... To work on things that make my soul feel better.

PS

This no sex shit for 5 weeks after the surgery SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Longest in my whole life since I started having sex I have ever gone... Sooooo not acceptable. My hubbie and I were having problems prior (which we currently working on but NO SEX DOESNT HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP)

Acupuncture

Smoke-Free 17 days

Been crazy busy last few days... in a good way. (Typing on phone so excuse the grammer)

Acupuncture for the first time ever on Thursday. It was an amazing and weird experience for me. It realized a flood of emotions and created me feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions... to the point i literially wanted to cry every sec of the afternnoon. Im thinking instead of toxins being released into my body like most people, for me it was a flood of emotions. Releasing all these feelings for me ive been dealing with... im eager to try the standard 3 weeks fore once a week and see how i react to it. One thing i noted was that i felt less swollen than i did going into the appt.... i am curious to see where this could leade....

Ugh long and fun day yesterday... had an amazing time & felt so good to laugh and smile all day...but im exhausted... Ill try and blog more later. For now, going to watch Redskins game.

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