There is always a reason....

Once the people begin to reason, all is lost 

Friend of mine said this last night about smoking, and you know what?!? She is totally right. There is always a reason to smoke or not to smoke, and I in total agreement with her. She was talking about how when she quit, it was like this HUGE weight off of her shoulders, and quite frankly I got a little jealous of that thought. To be free from smoking again would be AMAZING and something I am really gearing my brain up for. I am sick of it, and like a toxic relationship it has snuck back into my life. It has been the annoying little voice in my head, and I am sick of it. I hate it and I am so jealous of people who never took the plunge, and I want to rise above it. I think come Monday, I am going to post it everywhere, this is ALWAYS a reason, its a great mental strengthener and also something to always remember. My husband said he would help me out the next two weeks, so I can get back on track with my workouts and yoga. I am sick of being worried about smoking, and the anxiety behind. I am sick of the pattern.... It;s a pattern I want to break.

Headed to the Doctor today. I think I have developed an infection in either my sinuses, or my mouth or both. My both smells and tastes awful, and quite frankly it fucking hurts. My ear is still in pain from pulling the Q-Tip out, and I don't think that is right either. 2 years ago during tax season, I developed a massive case of thrush in my mouth, its one of the lovely reactions that my body has to stress. Fun. NOT! I was going to try and ride it out, but all week all I have been doing is eating soft foods (which for me isn't much choices) and drinking decaf coffee, tea and water. Anything else just hurts to damn bad. So we will see what doc says this morning, but infections are my bodies MO. Also being that I was recovering from that nasty cough flu I had, which turned in pneumonia, it doesn't really surprise me. Honestly though, my little body has been quite the trooper this tax season, I am hoping the next 5 weeks it can just hang on and ride our the duration.

Strength is sometimes all mental.

“May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.”

Woke up Saturday morning, literally felt like death. All I wanted to do was head back to bed. I could barely move, I just hurt everywhere. BUT it was 5:30am, and I had somewhere I had to be. It was a home game for my college football team. No this isn't an ordinary game, our whole family goes. It is literally a family affair, which makes the games amazing. However, if you miss a game (I missed one because of my surgery) than you get sooooooooooo much shit it isn't even funny. I get shit for missing the home game opener because I had "emergency" surgery two days before.... So my point is sometime strength that we need toi overcome things, doesn't come from the body it's self, but it comes from within the heart & soul. It took EVERYTHING I had to put on my team colors, and get in that car, but I did it... My family was all mad saying I was "bitchy" and I kept saying that I didnt feel good. Granted bitchy in my family or me generally to anyone else just means I am being quite... However I am thankful that I made it to the game. While my team royally fucked up the game, I had a great time tailgating pre & post game with my family.

One magical moment was when my hubbie & I went on the field after the game and we watched all the fathers playing football with their sons & daughters on the field. Hubbie and I just sat there and watched, and talked about how one day that would be him... than we both looked at each other and said god I hope we have a boy one day! It was a nice moment for us because we really have been struggling and the last 1-2 weeks has been better. More of a connection with each other, and looking towards the future. I married this man because I love him, and he someday will make the most amazing father... SOMEDAY. Along those lines, I am getting a IUD put in the first of Dec. I think it's something for us to try, and I think the condoms are actually creating some irritation in there. Plus I think hubbie after 3 years of condom usage, could use a break. God bless his heart. I am nervous but optimistic about getting one. We shall see. The second opinion that I seeked suggested that it be worth a shot. After all the benefits WAY OUT WEIGH the potential side effects on this. Have it in for 2 years, take it out & go off meds & try. That's the plan right now, but however with any chronic illness, sometimes plans change ;-)