AHHHHHH stress

See here is the pisser about auto-immune issues, they are triggered by STRESS! Which helps nothing when financially you are trying to decide if you want to keep your house, working on being a partner in a firm, working with money problems from health issues and oh yea, trying to figure out if you marriage can survive all this shit, or if the pain is just to much. Sacrificing is a bitch, you have to decide if it is worth it. I made myself sick studying for and obtaining my education and license. But I MADE the choice to deal with it. The nature of my marriage was sacrificed, but I did it because I made the choice. When you are dealing with stress triggered diseases and well life right now is stressful it's super hard. You have to make this conscientious decision to try and put those things behind you, and live you life. Because IF YOU DON'T you literally will make yourself fucking sick. Balling your head off for hours over a relationship, only triggers my issues. See it isnt just the fucking normal marriage problems, I get to deal with bury vision, stabbing pain in my eyes for hours & a massive headache because MY EYES aren't suppose to tear. My body gets mad and it fucking blows. I can give myself one day to try and feel things, and that's all I can give... literally or my body will fucvking trigger itself, and attack me. Thanks dude. Like it isn't hard enough trying to figure out if your husband even loves you anymore, losing your house and trying to make those decisions, but I have to try and make my body believe that everything will be okay.... Bugger of a bitch. So now, so we fought at lunch and I more or less told him I think we are over, but now I get to deal with the stabbing eye pain & headache for the rest of the day, while I am constantly reminded that emotionally I am a fucking wreck. *sigh* Awesome, my bladder & girlie part is inflammed, and I am bleeding feeling like I have the worst bladder infection ever. Ahhhhh stress.

A Knee Jerk Reaction

Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.”

Had Acupuncture yesterday, and boy was is fucking awesome. For the first time ever, I fell asleep and just relaxed. It was awesome. I asked her to make sure to work on my bladder trigger points, as it is the busy season and my body typically triggers its Auto-Immune diseases during this time. However I am hopeful with these new meds and new look on life with holistic treatments, that this will change. Anywho, so she went to put a needle in my foot area and I leg totally shot up in the air to a reaction the point. I asked her what the point was, and she said bladder. I laughed my ass off. Acupuncture has been pretty amazing for me and relaxing. I wish I could get it more than once a month, but that's all I can afford. Ideally I would rock every 3 weeks, but for now I can't.

Life is busy and hectic but for the most part good. I am trying to think about the positive things in life, and what I do have. I am trying to think about how this January is the first January in like over 7 years, I am not healing from or waiting for a surgery. Normally in January my body is triggered by stress, as this is my primary stress time for work and when it begins. I am optimistic that I am control of my body, and that hopefully her and I can work together to make it through to the Spring. I think right now the hardest part for me, is if what I am feeling is because of my AI triggers, or if this is the way people feel when they work 11+ hours days. It seem slike such a simple concept to most people who don't fight AI diseases, but it gets hard sometimes to distinguish between what is AI and what is the feeling the a "normal" person would feel under the hours I am working. Wish I had caffeine though, these hours are tough without a stimulant to keep you awake. It's hard sometime, like this morning after working 55+ hours, and than coming into the office after 5am. Coffee sure would be nice now!!!!