RollerCoaster

"You are lost the instant you know what the result will be" -Juan Gris

Guess these means I am not lost, because I have no idea the result of this... But first, side note. Ate TWO FUCKING FRIES last night... 2!!! And this morning I have blood oozing out of my holes likes snot from a nose. Awesome. Fuck you fries...Actually no. FUCK YOU BODY.. I can't eat just 2 fries?!?!? Ugh. So delicious though LOL

Anyways... Depression man, where do I even start. Such a freaking roller coaster of emotions, and such a time for me to stand up and be strong.. Husband had a tough night on Monday night, and we fought, argued and the end result was him thinking that he needed to have a child, and leave me. I told him that I am sorry, but physically I am not ready to go off all my meds, and to endure the unknown with health. It has been only a year, and I am not ready to make that commitment.. We went back and forth. We made love Monday night, and it felt like the last time... Slept together all night, and in the morning on my way to work, I realize I had to be the strong one here, and I opted to take the day off, and told him before he ended our marriage over something that he didn't even know, that maybe we should talk about it. So he took the day off to. I called our couples therapist and made an appointment for the morning, I wanted him to say to our therapist the kid craziness he was talking about. He pointed out that husband was acting like a depressed, unloved women who thought a baby would make everything better.... among other things. We went home and talked more. I explained to him that I need to be loved. I need to enjoy our couple's life, and not be so damn worried about children and starting a family, as it's not in my medical cards right now. Hell I don't even know if I can have kids... Man what a tough day, I am so happy to be back at work. I love him dearly and I have the biggest heart, so I am not willing to give up yet... I told him he had ONE LAST CHANCE to make this right, as I am exhausted.. mentally.

Screaming Bloody Murder

Seriously.. How I fucking felt last 3 days. Like running to the top of a roof top somewhere, and just screaming... I am currently trying to get my anxiety levels down, and try to regain myself. Somewhere.. somehow I seemed to lose myself.. I think in all the muddiness of the world and trying to live, I think this happens sometimes.. Well that and the following happened.

My "period" started this week. See I use the word with quotation because I am not really sure what to call it anymore. My face breaks out a little... get mildly moody and bleed a little.. Which concerns me that my body is just fucking "mimicking" a period (without or with the IUD) which would make Doc Greedy right and well I am not mentally ready for that yet. Fuck him and give me my fucking money back. Anyways, rant over. So I go to use the bathroom few days ago, and I look down... What do my lovely eyes see? A giant long string of blood and goo coming out of me. Awesome. Well this is fucking fun! NOT. Followed by 2 days of upset stomach & basically zero appetite. Yep still bleeding. Fun. However this time my body has opted to bleed mostly out of my ass (and those of you who are worried.. I have poked, prodded, surgeries and in/out of doctor's offices. IT'S JUST ME so calm the fuck down). Awesome. Whatever bleeding I am having, is literally coming out my ass. Fun. Than last night at 1:00amish I awoke with massive stomach cramping & pains. Welp time for bathroom fun. My black kitty follows me into the bathroom like he always does and quickly lays down on the floor, and awaits for this massive awesome thing coming out of my ass to come out.. Fun. Head back to bed. Ooooooooooo NOPE! Not done yet. Take black kitty back to bathroom.. he plops down and sighs. BEST kitty ever. He follows me around the bathroom, cuddles with me at night & sleeps with me on the couch when I am sick. I don't know what I would do without black kitty. Anywho.. So between seeing everything come out my ass this week, the HUGE anxiety I am fucking feeling, and also the massive giant LITERAL pain in my ass (I get swollen & inflamed when I bleed....) I have been a giant fucking wreck.. and I ready for this "period" to be over. HOWEVER I am reminded that pre IUD, I had to deal with this shit ALL THE TIME! Last year for months.. I would just bleed, bleed and more bleed and be so incredibly inflamed that I couldn't even walk. So THANK YOU IUD!

So along those lines.. and in an effort to try and maintain some sort of control of myself.. I have started to rock yoga again (I took the summer off due to other activities and I don't want to get burnt out)... It was awesome today. I went to Chakra yoga (not in the mood to seriously kick my ass with heated yoga) and we focused on the throat.. which is about saying (or not saying) what you needs to say. I have to say that after class I did feel this relaxing urge to just shut the fuck up.. and breath. Again Miss P, BADASS class. So I did some research on the throat chakra and I found it to be pretty true to what I need right now.. With everything going on in my personal life.. I realize that sometimes it's okay to be still and quite. Pretty cool lesson. Thanks Miss P. Tomorrow it's on to kicking my ass at 1.5hrs of heated yoga.. Bring it bitch.

Remember the past..

One year ago.,. I was awaiting surgery and in so much pain. I couldn't walk, I was bleeding like crazy and basically completely in pain. I was awaiting surgery from Doc Greedy, and not knowing what the future would bring.. I was scared out of my mind, and told that I might be losing part of my bowels. I didn't know what to expect when I awoke from surgery. I was completely scared & so worried for the future. I can't believe it was a year ago next month, that that dreaded surgery changed my life all for the better. It marks the period when I decided to take back control of my life..... And that I should never forget...

My IUD is getting better and better every month. This month I forgot my "period" and it just showed up one day which says a lot... Considering the week before I would have acne, pains, stomach problems, cramping, insomnia and the list goes on, on, and on.... Now I actually FORGOT it was coming. My bleeding went from the Pacific Ocean to Detroit Lake in Oregon. It's crazy how far the past seems away, but in reality it isn't... I saw this quote today, and I think it applies to the situation. Don't EVER let your illness define you, you define yourself.

Don´t let your fears take control of your life. Instead of thinking and re-thinking negative stuff, concentrate in searching for Solutions to your problems. Think what you can do to make your situation become better . Let go of the apprehension and fill yourself with positive thoughts and Love. We can All find peace in our hearts, it is just a matter of trying and letting go the fear. Every problem have a solution , just have patience and add Love to your thoughts . Remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel , keep your focus on the light not in the darkness :)ƸӜƷ.•°*”˜˜”*°•.ƸӜƷ.•°*”˜˜”*°•. ƸӜƷ♥♥ Blessings, Love and Light.