Fucking awesome!

All things considered, I would have to say that physically life is fucking awesome. I mean sure... I have my moments.. but all things considered I am feeling great!!! I golfed my ass off last week (sore as hell but an awesome workout) and enjoyed a day of heated yoga. I passed on the days I am golfing, because well it's to much for my little body. I have to be careful how much I push the limits.. I know my body and I know when enough is enough. Sunday morning I woke up and was completely beat. Met my buddy for some football and than came home to nap. It was AWESOME! Bleeding has almost stopped, and I have 90% of the time stuck to my tough food restrictions and I have to say I feel amazing. I did however totally flake on picking up my chemo meds from the store Monday and Sunday (Whoops and shit) which leaves me 2 days behind. Considering that, I can't believe how good I feel. I am so tempted to cut them out, but I know that I can't! Balls. I have a huge Halloween weekend coming up, and I need to make sure I am at my best... Hindsight, maybe I subconsciously didn't take my meds so I feel fine on Sunday/Monday.. Who knows.. all I know is considering I am 2 days behind, I am doing stellar!

On another note. Fucking food police... AGAIN!! We were at a family dinner last night, and I ate a few bites of some bread! GASP NO SHE DIDN'T!!! Hey people. Fuck off. I know my body. I know what I can and cannot get away with.. So thank you very much, I am fucking fine. I hate when people do this... My buddy just drilled me on rather or not I get enough calories.. blah blah blah blah. DUDE PEOPLE I am fucking fine. I am a big girl. I know my body better than fucking anyone else cause guess what?!? I LIVE IT 24/7!! Did I get a little sick this morning from the bread?!? Sure. But I made the choice. I knew and I understand what my boundaries are!! I got up.. went to work & managed to rock some yoga as well... Mind your own fucking business cause I got mine.

Screaming Bloody Murder

Seriously.. How I fucking felt last 3 days. Like running to the top of a roof top somewhere, and just screaming... I am currently trying to get my anxiety levels down, and try to regain myself. Somewhere.. somehow I seemed to lose myself.. I think in all the muddiness of the world and trying to live, I think this happens sometimes.. Well that and the following happened.

My "period" started this week. See I use the word with quotation because I am not really sure what to call it anymore. My face breaks out a little... get mildly moody and bleed a little.. Which concerns me that my body is just fucking "mimicking" a period (without or with the IUD) which would make Doc Greedy right and well I am not mentally ready for that yet. Fuck him and give me my fucking money back. Anyways, rant over. So I go to use the bathroom few days ago, and I look down... What do my lovely eyes see? A giant long string of blood and goo coming out of me. Awesome. Well this is fucking fun! NOT. Followed by 2 days of upset stomach & basically zero appetite. Yep still bleeding. Fun. However this time my body has opted to bleed mostly out of my ass (and those of you who are worried.. I have poked, prodded, surgeries and in/out of doctor's offices. IT'S JUST ME so calm the fuck down). Awesome. Whatever bleeding I am having, is literally coming out my ass. Fun. Than last night at 1:00amish I awoke with massive stomach cramping & pains. Welp time for bathroom fun. My black kitty follows me into the bathroom like he always does and quickly lays down on the floor, and awaits for this massive awesome thing coming out of my ass to come out.. Fun. Head back to bed. Ooooooooooo NOPE! Not done yet. Take black kitty back to bathroom.. he plops down and sighs. BEST kitty ever. He follows me around the bathroom, cuddles with me at night & sleeps with me on the couch when I am sick. I don't know what I would do without black kitty. Anywho.. So between seeing everything come out my ass this week, the HUGE anxiety I am fucking feeling, and also the massive giant LITERAL pain in my ass (I get swollen & inflamed when I bleed....) I have been a giant fucking wreck.. and I ready for this "period" to be over. HOWEVER I am reminded that pre IUD, I had to deal with this shit ALL THE TIME! Last year for months.. I would just bleed, bleed and more bleed and be so incredibly inflamed that I couldn't even walk. So THANK YOU IUD!

So along those lines.. and in an effort to try and maintain some sort of control of myself.. I have started to rock yoga again (I took the summer off due to other activities and I don't want to get burnt out)... It was awesome today. I went to Chakra yoga (not in the mood to seriously kick my ass with heated yoga) and we focused on the throat.. which is about saying (or not saying) what you needs to say. I have to say that after class I did feel this relaxing urge to just shut the fuck up.. and breath. Again Miss P, BADASS class. So I did some research on the throat chakra and I found it to be pretty true to what I need right now.. With everything going on in my personal life.. I realize that sometimes it's okay to be still and quite. Pretty cool lesson. Thanks Miss P. Tomorrow it's on to kicking my ass at 1.5hrs of heated yoga.. Bring it bitch.

Yoga blindfolded!!

Miss P decided to throw something into the mix today BLINDFOLDED yoga. I can't even tell you how awesome it was. It completely changes your poses & the way your mind thinks. As she said, your eyes judge and present stereotypes to you, when you take the vision sense out, you have to rely on one thing, yourself. We did simple poses and flows, and it completely changes them. It changes the way you hold your poses, how your mind thinks, what you focus on. We went into tree pose which normally is a piece of cake, and I could barely lift my left off the ground. It was crazy cool. To anyone who has practiced yoga for years, or simply new to it, I can't say enough amazing things about it. Such a different and eye opening (LOL) experience!!!

3 Leg Wheel!

I have been practicing yoga on and off for 4 years, and I would say the last 6 months more intensely. Ever since I found bad ass Miss P's class! So today I was practicing next to this lady who was beautiful and amazing in her poses. I think my energy was feeding off of her, because not only did I got from tri-pod into head stands 4 times, Miss P called for an inversion, like a wheel. I was totally feeling the energy, and went into a wheel. I felt it, and I lifted my right leg!!!! I haven't been able to find the strength nor energy to do this, and I did! It felt amazing. I made sure after class to chat with Miss P, and tell her that I did it! She said it looked so natural see assumed that I had always been in 3-legged yoga!!! The lovely lady next to me seemed to know Miss P, so I made sure to tell her I enjoyed practicing next to her. She seemed floored by the compliment, but her flows were amazing! GOOD YOGA DAY :-)

Recovering very well from my flu today, in fact little weakness, but all and all feeling good. Bleeding has gone down to minimal. My eplvic pain is almost none existence and it seems that I had bad timing between the flu & a random 6 month adjustment of my body to the IUD!

A yoga hello!

Well I felt inclined to write a quick note about something I have been trying in yoga for my 4 years of practice, and today I finally got it. In Chakra yoga today, the lesson was ego, and letting go. Maybe a coincidence I don't know but for the FIRST TIME ever in my yoga practices I went from Tripod to Headstand position!!! Not only that, I just flowed right in to it twice!!! SO EXCITING and truly a moment to cherish <3

One day at a time....

There exists only the present instant,.... A Now which always and without end is itself new. There is no yesterday nor any tomorrow, but only Now, as it was a thousand years ago and as it will be a thousand years hence. -Meister Eckhart-

Had yoga class yesterday. While I enjoyed it, I wouldn't say it was my favorite class ever. We worked on the lower chakra, which involved pretty much 30 mins of standing series. While I enjoyed it, and dug the class cause Miss P is bad ass, it still wasn't my favorite. Good to stretch though. I had some time between work and dinner, so I decided to take my lab for his second run of the year, and hit up 6 mins of abs afterwards. Pretty much  a good workout day. Not as sore this morning as I thought I would be, take this is a good sign that my muscles are starting to shape themselves. My abs are starting to look better, and more comfortable in my skin. I am mildly bloated this morning as in a weak moment of Ambien and a beer, I was hungry and eat some GF crackers and 3 small slices of cheese. One weird side effect of Ambien, if you dont fall asleep, it makes me so hungry and I have no willpower to say no!!! My obliques are starting to show definition, which is awesome. You can see in the right hand photo the scar from my Moxa incident with the acupuncturist. Yep still don't feel the burn, nor does it bug me!!! Hitting up Jillian Michael's 6 Pack Abs today at lunch. I find this video is bad ass for not only your abs, but a good work-out!!! Welp back to work.

Gold Star IUD & Wall Yoga!!!

First off, I want to take a a moment to APPRECIATE my IUD. Here I am at the end of the month, which normally would be followed by mind-numbing cramping, heavy flow period lasting 7+ days, awful stomach pains and clots the size of an oz of red meat... and rather calming and mildly my "period" came into light this month about as peaceful as it is going to leave. Sure I have some episodes with my pelvic pains flaring & also boats of stomach ills, BUT let's take moment and think were I use to be!!! Not only to mention I can make it through the day with a little pantie liner and MAYBE sometimes switching it a light pad. When I use to have y periods, I would go through a pad an hour and if I could even handle a tampon, they would only last a couple of hours, if only for an hour. That's pretty damn impressive if you ask me, and something I can only attribute to the IUD!! I am not trying to be to graphic here, but these are the things that the doctors don't tell you. They don't tell you about how when you sleep at night now, no more need for night grandma panties with a diaper size pad AND a tampon... and if I you are lucky making it through the night for about 6 hours... Now I can comfortably drift off to sleep not feeling like I am potty training all over again with a giant diaper size pad. My pelvic pain is temporary usually and is briefly passed. I know my "period" is coming because the hormones trigger a change in my stomach area & food I can eat, but that's about it now. It's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me... and so HERE'S TO YOU IUD for making things in my life I usually struggle with so silently, not be so humiliating and depressing. I hope you continue along your path of success...

(This isn't me but shows wall yoga!)

Now wall yoga. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK is that?!?! I thought the exact same thing when Miss P instructed us to start our yoga practice against the wall, and we proceeded to practice using the wall as our stability. See it was a trust excise, and one which I had a hard time trusting to start!!! Once you closed your eyes, and began to trust not only your body, but the experience of the whole thing, it completely altered and change my practice for the day for the better. It was AWESOME! Like Warrior against the wall. Doing wheel pose against the wall. OMFG so amazing. If you haven't tried this before, I can't even stress how much you should try and practice your practice against the wall. Trust in your self. Let go.. Believe the wall will hold you and your body will follow. It was Epic. Another amazing yoga practice Miss P!!!

Feel good on the inside.. feel good on the outside

"If you don't feel good on the inside, than trick em into thinking you do & look good on the outside. Wear a dress or something to make your outside smile :D" -Grandpa-

I say this because my gramps told me this when I was a kid, and I have ALWAYS tried to live by it. Its a simple rule, but one that's easily followed. Being that for the last 2 months, I have done nothing but work and completely wrecked my "outside" by working non-stop and never taking a moment to breath, which makes my insides feel good.... till my auto-immune diseases kick in (which they are starting to) and than my inside turns into an internal battle field. And so, last week, I began my "re-balancing" of myself and my inside/outside balance. After gaining 15ish lbs between January and now, and completely just working, I was starting to feel so unhappy. It was coming across in EVERYTHING I did. My clothes, my friends, my work-outs (er lack there of), my yoga practice (which is the one place is shouldn't), the bedroom and most importantly and NOT OK my relationship with my amazing hubbie! So I took action for fear of not only wrecking myselfs but the relationships I have worked so hard for... And so that brings us to today, the 8th day in my "kick self in the ass" plan.

After yesterdays complete hell of a roller coaster with my body & pain i was in, I awoke this morning to a new day, and minimal pelvic pain which is good for :D I went into my yoga class (Tuesdays is Chakra Yoga day) with my bad ass instructor (shout out Miss P) and saw the sun was shining quite bright today!!! Out yoga studio has large windows in it, and I took the chance to practice in the sun, like the ancient yogis! It was amazinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. I could feel the rays of sunshine while I practiced and had an intense practice. I was able to hold poses I haven't yet before and was able to rock half a headstand from trip-pod!!!! Also my Miss P looked at me after class and said "Beautiful practice". Yes Miss P, yes it was! SO than I went to pick up lunch at my favorite Chinese place for me and my boss.... I order the Rice noodles and chicken. Little bit of deliciousness but all still ok for you!!! The manager (who sees me all the time) commented on how tall and slender I was and how he is amazed with tax season I stay so slender!!! I was glowing. My point in this whole post?!?!? When you are glowing from the inside out, your glow is unstoppable :D Find your inner glow!

My energy is WAY outta wack!

Went to my favorite yoga class today with rocking bad ass instructor, and for some god damn reason, my energy was off yo. No matter how hard I tried to get into the zone, and let the energy flow in, I felt like I was having a block, or someone was sending negative energy my way. I don't know what it was, but my yoga flow was completely off today. :(

Yoga- My modern medicine

Today in yoga class with bad ass instructor who played Pink Floyd at the end of 2010(I knew I loved her than!!!) we worked don the 3rd eye, which is the "feeling" part of the body. They believe it is female, and it is 100% about emotions.  Better describe in Wikipedia as "The third eye (also known as the inner eye) is a mystical and esoteric concept referring in part to the ajna (brow) chakra in certain Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It is also spoken of as the gate that leads within to inner realms and spaces of higher consciousness. In New Age spirituality, the third eye may alternately symbolize a state of enlightenment or the evocation of mental images having deeply personal spiritual or psychological significance. The third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance (which includes the ability to observe chakras and auras),^[1] precognition, and out-of-body experiences. " Bad ass instructor went on to say that all to often in life, we get caught up in the 3rd eye, and the emotions, and forgetting that they are just that, emotions. She talked about how we need to open up our body to the 3rd eye, but be careful to not let it rule us. As we were settling into the practice, and warming our bodies up (as she says " become present here and now") I had tears once again stream from my face. All though this time they were tears of being, I wouldn't say sadness or upset like "letting go" of something, I just felt like I was feeling, and for once in my life, I was ok with it. I can't describe it, I just felt this sense of like everything was going to be ok. Haven't felt that way in a long time.. Always feel unsettled and not knowing where things are going. I have to say this New Year, came without drama and with love from people we are blessed to be surrounded by. It's very peaceful and blissful, and something I plan on fully exploring in 2011. For yoga is my new doctor ;-)

Pork. the "other white meat".

This is common debate amongst my family members with the holidays near. (Oh how I love when people tell me what I CAN and CANNOT eat.. thanks food police) Debate is a ham or turkey for the marvelous Christmas dinner that my mom makes every year. Well this year I cut out red meat since my surgery, and have noticed my bleeding all most completely gone, so rather or not it is classified as red meat, I have cut it out, and it has been working, so I stay. Plus I fele like it is a slippery slope. If I add pork back into my diet, than what else is next?!? French frys? Ooooooooooo wait not, I ate those on Sunday in a moment of drunken Sunday Funday weakness. Paid for it ALL DAY yesterday and today I finally am feeling a little better... NO NO NO NO frys.. BAD! So back to the debate on pork being a red meat. Here is some interesting info that I found.

Its myoglobin content is lower than beef, but much higher than chicken white meat. The USDA treats pork as a red meat. Pork is very high in thiamine.

In 1987 the U.S. National Pork Board began an advertising campaign to position pork as "the other white meat", due to a public perception of chicken and turkey (white meat) as more healthy than red meat. The campaign was highly successful and resulted in 87% of consumers identifying pork with the slogan. As of 2005, the slogan is still used in marketing pork, with some variations.

Its myoglobin content is lower than beef, but much higher than chicken white meat. The USDA treats pork as a red meat. Pork is very high in thiamine.

In 1987 the U.S. National Pork Board began an advertising campaign to position pork as "the other white meat", due to a public perception of chicken and turkey (white meat) as more healthy than red meat. The campaign was highly successful and resulted in 87% of consumers identifying pork with the slogan. As of 2005, the slogan is still used in marketing pork, with some variations.

Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_pork_red_meat_or_white_meat#ixzz18ljHRuiF

So if the USDA treats pork as a red meat, than why isnt the rest of America?!? Well in the late 80's, the campaign for pork went as follows: pork commerical and recently the Pork Board dropped the campaign. 

 

So what is it about Pork that people say is as bad as beef? Growth hormones are routinely used for beef and dairy cows to get them to grow quicker and faster. Faster growth = faster time to market and more meat/milk per head = higher profits. Chicken and pork in the US at least do not have any "approved" growth hormones, although how strictly this is policed I am not sure. In any case, powerful antibiotics that allow chicken and pork to survive and grow even in insanitary "factory farms" may have just as much residual harmful effect on our bodies as growth hormone. http://www.ournakedfood.com . For a good article on the controversy over the growth hormone,  see here.

 

I think with inflammation problems, and chronic illness, it is important for anyone to take a look at what they are eating. The BIGGEST change in all my health aliments has been my eating habits and also my exercise. It is important for people to be informed about what they are putting into their mouths.

 

Side note. Tested my urine for the acidic level, which normally is SO LOW on the PH scale, that it doesn't even register above 6.00. Anything 6.6 and below is acidic, 6.7 is normal. Today mine was about 6.5. I all most fell off the toilet seat!!! That's a good sign.

 

I have been feeling sort of blah this last week. Sunday night I took my weekly chemo meds, and than I slept. I slept from 6:00 on through the morning. I was just so exhausted. Yesterday they continued to kick my ass (on top of the fryes I eat) and I was just so exhausted. I told my hubbie I wasn't sure I wanted to go to my yoga class, he looked at me like I was crazy!!! So I awoke this morning to a smile, and me feeling like I wanted to go to yoga. I am still mildly exhausted, but I have the drive, and as long as I have the drive, I want to go!!!! So I am planning on going. Sleep has just been something my body craves lately. I am sleeping like 9-11 hours a night. Hubie asked if I was ok, I just said my body feels like resting, so I am letting it :D

Letting go in Yoga

First off I wrote my 4 page letter of appeal to my insurance company for Dr. Redwine's office for never conveying the truth about how my insurance wouldn't cover i.e reimburse me for any of it.. Turns out it was 4 pages, and I included 10 different documents showing how he lead me to believe one thing, and all along I think he just wanted the money.... Sort of healing. Appeal takes 15-30 days,.. I am hoping I win this one... Looking back through all the documents, he totally mislead me.

Now on to the positive things. My IUD thus far has been AMAZING and slowly every day I notice a difference. Sex was good.. Well as good as two people who have been SWORN to use condoms and be careful for the last 3.5 years could be LOL We both were so nervous and unsure what to expect. HOWEVER I think we both realizing how this could benefit out intimacy and general being together. I didn't realize how much condoms really changed our sex life!!!! On another plus side, after we had sex I didn't think or notice it all day long. Normally after sex I hurt.. and my lowers girly part areas just feel inflamed for that day if not days afterwards. So so far, the verdict is good :D

Had my yoga class today with instructor Phyllis. Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee her!! So today we were focusing ont he 2nd chakra which is the bittersweet aspect of live. More or less "Shit happens". As we went through the practice, I could feel the energy moving throughout my body.. It was amazing. i could feel the stretches going deeper and deeper, and than finally as we were calming down our bodies, I went into a pose and as Phyllis said "Let goooooooooooooooo" and let your 2nd charky go. I started to have tears stroll down my face, and I could feel myself letting goooooo. it was an epic moment in Yoga ;-)

Which brings me to my new project. I don't have my license, cant really focus on bringing in clients into the firm as the busy season is fast approaching, so i found one today. Plain and simple "To practice Yoga at least 4 times a week. " I want to explained my yoga practice and keep working towards moment like these. Between yoga, acupuncture, new insurance and lifestyle changes, I feel like 2011 is going to be my year ;-)

Chakra Yoga :D

OMG I HAD TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!!! I just finished my first class ever with Chakra Yoga and I gotta say, I am completely in love with it. The teacher rocks as well, which I am sure helps, but I love the idea behind it. Letting go and breathing your way into your body. Letting gooooooooooooooo. The stretches are amazing and include not only power strength moves but also breathing into your chakras. The amount of energy on the room was amazing. I loved the way I felt in tune with my body and my third eye. How the 3 lower chakras are the key to our "pain" and our emotional pain. The upper three involve spirituality. I love the idea behind it, and how my bladder pain and pelvic pain went away and eventually completely went away after 15 mins of connecting with my body. I am completely excited for this and will add this to my work out plan. Strength training 2 or 3 times a week finishing with breathing from energy medicine and 2 times a week (more when I get stronger) I will incorporate some point all yoga.  It felt so amazing to be getting back in touch with well me. My plan for the new year, is to have a happier, healthier and more connected body & spirit :D The next two months I will use for this plan. IF and only IF I can find this solitude, in a year my reward to myself will be a yoga retreat in Seattle or Cali :D

Also added to my plan, Buddhism temple here in town, but that's another post ;-)

Balancing mind & body

As I was thinking about my appointment that Ih ave with my therapist this week, I began to think about the test he gave me last week, and the results I found out on Friday. He gave me the MMPI-2 on Monday, and I was given the results on Friday. I figured in this quest i am on for self-healing it probably would be a good idea. He discovered the following:

1) I have high anxiety (well duh!)

2) I am overly concerned with health issues and health related matters (again DUH!)

3) I tend to want people to like me, and I tend to come off as self-confident.. Hmmmmmm maybe I could see this. I am no so concerned with people all liking me I think... Maybe I am not sure. I know that I want to come off as self-confident because I am very proud of myself & the things I have accomplished given the obstalces placed in front of me.

4) I dont like authority. Now this one I was stumped on. So I asked the opinion of my best friend and hubbie. Hubbie response was "Well duh! You work for you dad and he is your only boss. The only person you have to answer to".. BFF response was I dont think in an authoritative matter, but for sure you dont like anyone to have "control over you".. Ok maybe so, I can see this one

5) He questioned if I have a substance abuse problem. I would say most definitely not... I could have the tendencies to based on past experiences, but I for sure would not say now.

Now here is my question. Dr. B encouraged me to come and visit him weekly and to continue our work together. My response ot him was that it all depends on $$$$. Sorry but it does. With the vast aray of medical crap I am paying for, it all depends on money. However this is my question. What can you do for me? He keeps asking me what he can do for me, my response is self-integration. I would like for me to be comfortable with the person I am. All the time. Also to get some help with quieting my mind. Learning to find that inner peace. So in turn, this Friday when I go to see him, my question to him is going to be "How can you help me?!?"...

On an unrelated note. Hubbie and I had some loving last night. It was nice. However this morning my bladder feels like I could pee my pants ar any moment, and it's so inflamed it's awful. Didn't take any meds for it this morning though, I just wasn't in the mood. Looking forward to getting the IUD and trying that option. i am really sick of condoms. I really think the inflammation could be being caused by this... But at this point who the fuck knows. But again at this point, i am ready to try anything :D

chakra yogaHave a yoga class at 11:00ish today. I am excited for that. First time for this class. It is titled  and it is about the "energies" flowing throughout your body. I am egar and exciting to try it. Not only will it work on the energies in my body for the day (hence no need for energy medicine daily routine today) but it will also provide me with an amazing workout. I think this describes it well "It goes from the holistic health practices to the mystical and sacred. Because mind is connected to the body through energy (via the nervous system), learning how to work with these energies empowers and balances the chakras, bringing the body to a state of peak health, and the mind to a calm state. The result is a consciousness that is free to embrace its spiritual nature, a mind that is peaceful and clear, and a body that maintains optimum health. " I think in my quest to ultimately find this balance  between body and mind, this flows right into it. My shrink (I hate that word but it works for right now) thinks that I harness my negative/anxiety energy in my body, and that I am manifesting some of this pain. Which I would agree with, but with all the anxiety i do have, I think it is important to try and get the energy flowing correctly throughout my body... We shall see!