You are what you eat. Damn I hate when mom is right...

So for most people, this saying is true for the most part. Sure you shovel McDonald's crap inside of you for years, your body is going to show some negative effects. If you eat frys every damn day of the week, than sooner or later you muffin top will show and your energy will start to become drained. FOR MOST people this is the case, for me, I only have a few slips ups of the weeks till my body completely shuts down. I was sooooooooooooooo depressed yesterday and was so annoyed with the way I was feeling. Sure I had moments of slip ups, and moments where I eat a few things which I should not have (not because of diet people, because I SHOULDN'T eat them... i.e potato chips ='s inflammatory response) and I thought I could get away with it... My energy has been totally drained, I am up one hour and than down the next, my smile has slowly faded away off my face and most importantly I lost me somehow. Amongst the end of busy season and me FINALLY being out of school and licensed, I am suddenly approached with all this free time. Weird I know... Shut it. Imagine if for your whole life, you life for the term for the semester, than one day everything has changed. Your life is no longer ruled by books and that ultimate goal. Guess what folks, I made that goal. Fucking weird man.

Emotional Eating! NOT
GOOD!

I don't know really how to describe this, so I am trying my best. But I think after all these years of dreaming, wishing and hoping & finally getting it, it leaves a sort of let down if you may, maybe not right words, but how it feels. The way you feel on December 26th or January 2nd. Nothing special, all that hype and now nothing. It just is. See I have always been a motivated person and an activity person, and ALWAYS been thriving for that goal. Lately, I sleep alot. I mean a lot. My stomach/pelvic area is bugging me and you got about a 50/50 shot that I will actually show up to where I say I am going to.  (Again SO NOT ME).  My emotions are about as Waverly as Kate Moss is. One day I am up, the next day I am down. Seriously. It's like a fucking roller coaster ride and I want off. The binge eating makes me feel better. Makes me feel like fuck I don't know control over something. It's a weird feeling, and something when you tell people they look at you like you are crazy. Which in some ways, I might be. I don't know, but I know I have been depressed and not taking care of myself.

So today I awoke to a sun shiney amazing day, and I also awoke with a renewed spirit about me. I dont want to feel like I have been the last few weeks. I don't want the roller coaster and I don't want the illness. I want to give my body reasons to be healthy and happy, not the other way around. So I awoke this morning to my cat purring and resting next to me, and the sun shining, and I said today is going to be different. I had a conversation with my Hubbie about all this, to which he looked at me like I was crazy, but understanding. Cause well that is him and he is amazing like that ;-) I told him I needed the love back, and he said it goes both ways, it isn't a switch and he is right. After showering I headed to the store (after seeing an idea for a sandwich on Udi's GF Facebook Page) and got myself some healthy eating. Not for diet reasons, for flat out fucking sanity. Had some cottage cheese, cantaloupe and a banana for the morning. Went home and walked my dog in the sunshine (AMAZING) and than I made this bomb ass turkey sandwich with peppered turkey from Whole Foods, lettuce, Garlic/Herb mayo from Kraft, pickles and Udi's bread. It was YUMMMMY! Than I ate some creal and dairy-free cream cheese. God dammit I just feel better. And you know what, I am sick of being & feeling like shit, so today is a new day!!!!!

We are people not a number...

As I am in our last week of busy season, I think about how far I have come in my health and how I feel. I think back to where I was a year ago, my bladder was so inflamed, think the WORST infection you could ever have and multiple it times 10. I was on medication I HATED. It was the most awful medication to help control my IC, desperamine which in higher doses is an anti-depressant and in lower does it does something to deaden your nerves in your bladder area. God it was awful. I spent 3 weeks working 11+ hours a day, in not only the worse pelvic pain, but also the worst constipation. It was horrible. I remember when I went to see the urologist, she was a complete bitch. Not only that, they don't take insurance, (only urologist in town) so it cost me $600ish to go see this total bitch. She spent like 15mins with me, prescribe me these meds, handed me a book and said there you go. Really?!? I remember I left feeling so happy that there was an answer, but felt completely disregarded by this doctor. She wanted me to do all these tests and such to see if I had IC. Tests such as a cystoscopy and something else. Ummmm ya, let's inflame my bladder and pelvic area even more. I swear sometimes that doctor forget that we are humans to. They forget that the pain we experience is real, and effects us in our every day life. This doctor was complete crap. I hated how she made me feel, and I swore I would get off these meds as soon as I could. Sooooo this winter, through help of acupuncture, yoga and changing my eating habits,  I can all most say for the first time in 6 years of my career, I can say I CAN DO THIS!!! I can work the hours I want.. I can make it through this. The power if you believe in yourself is just that, YOUR power.

Post Surgery Blues

I am a warrior. Warriors never lose hope, because when they lose hope, they lose the battle.

Smoke-Free 19 days... WOW.

Had to go off my chemo meds (lower my immune system from OVERreacting to everything & also known as chemo drugs) prior to the surgery and the week after. NOW my body is starting to play catch up. I noticed my eyes are getting a little fuzzy, and my vision just isnt as sharp. I would imagine, and feel like this is from my body trying to attack my corneas again & build scar tissue, since I went off the meds for 3 weeks... Doesn't surprise me really. I am not going to worry about it until my allergies calm down, been on meds for 2+ more weeks to get back to "normal" or as I call it living.... One day at a time.. Right now, I am still reeling and dealing with Pelvic issues...

On a happier note, things I have noticed since I am now Smoke-Free:
1)When I get stressed out, I deal with things better. Sure I panic and still feel panicked, but I "deal" with things better. Doesn't seem so overwhelming all the time. Life just seems simpler.. All though reality it is still the same life, just smoke-free
2)Food tastes different. Like salt. Hubbie use to always complain that I didnt salt everything enough... Now apparently I salt things to much. LOL no hunniers, I actually just follow the recipe because salt tastes like well, salt.
3)Time flyssssssssssss by during the time. Since I am not constantly watching the clock for when I am going to get my next smoke break
4)Breathe taste better
5)Inflammation in lower area is cutting down every day... Co-winky-dink.. Not sure. Still investigating....
Someday I will tell my parents I didn't actually quit 2 years ago.. yes, I am in my 30's and still afraid of my parents.. dad not so much.... Him and I are identically. Mom. Ya she scares the shit out of me.... Love her, but she scares me... She is more judging than god sometimes... Swear... No joke... and she has this way of making you feel like she isn't judging you, but still judging you.. Weird.

Note to Self: Pat self on back for quitting cold-turkey after smoking a pack a day & with EVERYTHING I did in life;-)