Exhausted...

“Be brave and be patient. Have establishment in yourself; trust in the significance of your life and the purpose of your passion. You are strong enough to sit in the space between spaces and grant divine inspiration to shed some light. When you place positive energy and productive effort into the world it will come back to you. Occasionally in ways you might not immediately comprehend and on a time frame you didn’t expect. Look. Listen. Learn. Stay open. Your destiny is awaiting you.”
— Jillian Michaels (Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life)

My busy season is coming to a close, and I am quite frankly just flat out exhausted. I just want to go sleep for like 2 days, and just sleep. It's been a rough season but I great one for some many reasons. I am just ready for it to come to a close. It's been rough with a co-workers brother passing away, and the hours I have been working since about January but a triumphant one for some man reason. I only have a little over a week left, and I can officially say I made it through my FIRST season ever, where I am not healing from a surgery, threat of a surgery or one any where in my near future. Which is amazing and a good thing! One which I don't think I can fully understand it until I walk out of my office when the season comes to a close. I'm paying DOWN my medical bills, not adding to them. Sure I am exhausted, but for the most part I am healthy and I am exhausted just like all the other members in my firm. It feels so good to all most have made it, but for real I just want to sleep for days. My brain is ready for a break. HOWEVER I do want to remind myself how hard I have worked, and as Jillian says, celebrate that fact. Most people don't even show up in their daily lives, let alone to work out while busting out 11+ hour days. I am proud of my accomplishments, and I am proud of the effort it takes to keep my high maintenance diva bitch body together. I am just exhausted.

Pilate's class with Miss P today!!! YEA YEA! I love this class. Little bit of yoga mixed in with Pilate's. It's so awesome. The music she has playing is always upbeat and yet trance like and calming at the same time. I am excited to get my butt kicked by her!!! I might weigh myself today, I might not. I feel pretty good, so why struggle with the scale. My clothes don't feel so tight around my belly and I don't well feel bloated & fat.

Eat some Chinese food yesterday... 3 times actually LOL HOWEVER I was conscious of the portion sizes and making sure to keep my calorie count in check. I stuck to my limitations I have set for myself, and rocked a half order of chicken chow fun and later at night enjoyed a good episode of Law & Order with hubbie and eat some fried Won-Tons with a small portion of sesame chicken. While I know the won-tons are not amazing for me, I stuck to limitation and this was a little splurge for me ;-) Plus I don't feel like my stomach is going to explode this morning, and my body for some odd fucked up reason can handle won-tons. Weird but whatever. I stopped trying to figure out why or how my body decides what it cant process LOL

No matter the circumstance... life goes on.

We had a tragic event in the firm yesterday, one of our lead members had an family emergency and had to leave town to take care of family matters. It doesn't appear as though the circumstances will prevent themselves for recovering, and so he will be gone for an unknown amount of time. With the deadline looming near, it now leaves 3 of us, to do the work of 4 people in less than 3 weeks. Yes it sucks and yes that means more hours which turn a 70ish hour week into 7 days a week for about 80-90 hours. So be it, its my job. My heart goes to my coworker who is having to deal with this potential loss in the family, and it being his only family it breaks my heart. That's the thing about busy season, even though we work non-stop and in our bubble, life does go on. My best friend came into last night as a surprise, but it was late when I found out she was here, and I couldn't meet up with her, so I am going to try tonight. Do I want to just go home and sleep, sure. But life goes on, it's an important fact that sometimes gets forgotten.

Yesterday was a giant clusterfuck. I found out about my co-worker right before my yoga/Pilate's class, and I even went to the class, but in sitting there I just couldn't give myself to the moment, so i came back to work to work out the details of how shit is going to get done. Basically, it all has to be done at this point, so no particular order. So Than I went back to the gym to go running later on in the day, ya I forgot my shows. MOTHER FUCKER.. Seriously... So I worked the rest of my day for about 13 hours, and than headed home. Hubbie was out with friends for the night, and I made a moment to myself. I turned on the fireplace, turned on my favorite reading light, lit some candles and rocked some yoga for an hour. It was awesome and just what I needed!!! It's really important to take some time to yourself during these stressful times. I think all to often people forget that. I'm making myself hit the gym every day, its that one hour I need to keep my body in check and keep my body from attacking me. My eyes are starting to burn a little which triggers old surgeries of the past, but so far I have been able to keep them in check. I am hoping it continues as that's the scariest path to travel down and I don't want to!!!  I will weigh myself today at the gym.

I am feeling better than I was last week, and also I started spotting and heavy cramping on and off last 2 days, which I can only assume is m "period". With the IUD it isn't even really a period... So far, IUD win. Ladies remember how it felt to have the IUD in, well that's the same cramping I get in my pelvic area. Before the IUD, I would cramp like that for 3-5 days prior, and a few days after only controllable so I could function by Tylenol every 2 hours. It was miserable. This cramping on and off and some spotting walk in the park. I am no longer cycical rectal bleeding, and also the burning pain is gone. I no longer have massive clots and the bleeding is so slight. Every month I have the IUD in, it gets noticeably better and better. Right now is period 3 on it, and so far I am maintaining... IUD has some negative effects, but right now I am looking at the positive.

Welp back to work.

In honor of Jillian Michaels being kick ass!

"Sometimes people will hear you and be able to change their behavior, but often their behavior has more to do with their own need for approval than with your need for support. No matter what their response, you need to be firm and hold your ground. At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility."
— Jillian Michaels (Winning by Losing: Drop the Weight, Change Your Life)

I don't have much time, as I am trying to work a "short" day, which means only 11 hours this time of year. But I have had completely a shit day. A project that I thought would take only 2ish hours, I just got done with like 1 hour ago!!! It was completely frustrating and by far one of the most exhausting days I have had this season. I just can't seem to recover today!!!

Side note. Got me some Jillian Michaels Fit in 30 Days today, and I tried level 1. Holy crap yo! I think she got meaner and tougher in this video! I have been working out like crazy last weekish and she completely kicked my ass. I wanted to try her Jillian Michaels 6 Week Six Pack but with my two errands I had to run today, I just didn't have time. So I rocked her 30 day fit video and I have to say I am scared for levels 3-4!!! I can't imagine what is nexrt. Having rocked her 30 day shred last summer, and kicked my booty and my abs into shape for Shasta worthiness, I respect the hell out of her and love her workouts. I enjoying having someone to yell and motivate me. Makes me angry and make me work out harder...

I am so exhausted even in typing this. Back to my work so I am GTFO!!

Slide.

Slide. This is how  I feel. If you don't know this quote, it wont matter to you. I awoke this morning to a adorable heart that my husband had made out of Q-Tips. So cute. ;-) Turns out I needed it. I am exhausted, cranky and spent 15 mins in the bathroom this morning getting sick. Awesome. I don't know but I am thinking sloth day and the perils of busy season are catching up to me. I felt awful cramping last night, and got sick for a bit but than seemed fine so I went to sleep. It took an Ambien and 3 bendrhyl to put me asleep, I knew I was in trouble. I awoke this morning with stomach cramping, and sure enough I got massively sick for like 15 mins. Fun It's going to be a long ass day.

My husband last night made a comment about the "giant plate" of food I was eating. Keep in mind this was rice pasta, with some seasoning and spices with olive oil and turkey sausage. Ummmmmmm maybe so, but fuck I just tell you about my weight concerns, and you make a smart ass joke about my plate of food? Fuck you. I don't eat shit. If I was eating a loaded plate with ravioli and a side of garlic bread, than you can come talk to me. He doesn't get it. He eats whatever the fuck he wants and doesn't work out a muscle, and he is rail thin. He doesn't get it. I'm emotionally at my brink with work as I have been working these hours since January, and I want my life back. I am sick of eating lunches at my desk and looking forward to my one hour work-out much like a prision inmate looks forward to their day breaks. I am sick of being in front of the desk, I love my job but its wearing on me. Blah.

Good weekend.. Rough first day back at work.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.”

Trying my hardest to spend each day the best I can in healing, and try not to push myself to hard. It's a tough job...
Day 11 Smoke-Free

Saturday- Was rather nice. I spent the morning watching ESPN College Gameday and playing with my yellow lab (such a dork), than I did some chores around the house & took dog for walk. Joined my bestie for some quick shopping and than off to bar to watch the 4 college games I wanted to watch. First time at a bar and FIRST TIME not smoking. Odd thing was that I only wanted to smoke when I was there once. Was surprisingly easy for me... Than headed over to some friends house for some drinks (my husband drank enough for both of us LOL) as drinking is not in my cards yet. Watched some football, saw some friends I haven't seen since my surgery. Planted my ass on the couch, and didnt move for 5 hours and 2 football games... My friend has the lovely facebook photo that she posted if you dont believe me.. My hair looks like I havent moved for 2 football games. LOL After my friends had clearly drank enough for me as well, and a massive headache from not eating (somehow chips, cheese, burgers and salsa didnt seem something I should eat) me and hubbie headed home.

Sunday- Woke up feeling pretty good. Cleaned the house as much as I could. Got a wave of exhaustion, so sat down and watched the Seahawks. God I hate Petey... Headed out to groceries and items for house with hubbie. Was good. I was able to walk around the stores and make it unitl about the last 30 mins, I got really exhausted. Spent some time with sister afterwards. Her partner has decided to quit smoking as well.... She JUST decided yesterday... Going to be a rough few days for both of them *prayers for them*... Started bleedng last night, which doctor said would happen.. He didnt mention the pain of it though... So I ended up flat out on the couch, heating pad and armed with fleece blanket.. Watched Jerslicious... Laughed at the girls... Made me feel better for some reason.... Life really is about more than hair and makeup.. Except Gigi.. I like her. She has a good heart <3

Had a dream last night I was smoking.. I woke up in tears and a complete panic. I even had the awful taste in my mouth, so I had to rush into the bathroom and brush teeth at 4:00am. Than BAM pain. Holy lower ab pain. I ended up laying in bed, petting my cat till the alarm went off this morning. Woke up, let out dog, and as I was walking back from the garage feeding my dog, BAM stabbing pain and I fell to the ground in the garage. Puppy barked I think in effort to wake up hubbie. Didnt work. Balls. Not a good way to start ot my first morning back. Showered and brushed teeth. Made hubbie lunch and started my nice new yummy smoothies... Than I realized that yogurt and OJ was spilling everywhereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. Fuck. I hadnt checked to make sure it was on right. Balls. OJ EVERYWHERE. Awesome hot stickie mess. Hubbie laughed... Made it into work, and feeling exhausted. Hoping to check emails (all 73 of them...) and maybe get some work done. Than head home noonish. I am all ready exhausted.