Feeling of barfing PLEASE go away..

So yes, yes yes I will admit, I went out Saturday night for my close friend's birthday and drank tequila which THERE IS A REASON why I don't drink tequila ;-) I figured my Sunday morning sickness feeling was not only a hangover, but also from the binging of food (AGAIN DAMMIT.. get back this) and opted that the way I was feeling is totally normal, and had nothing to do with my body. I went to mother's day brunch and nutted up, and had breakfast with my mom. Thankfully hubbie was exhausted and wanted to leave, so it gave me a way out. In my head however I totally wanted to do SO MUCH more with my Sunday. So I came home and slept off what I thought was a hangover. Awoke around 4ish, and do a few things around the house. Took my chemo meds around 5:00ish on an empty stomach since Hubbie was getting dinner, and BAM holy nauseated and sick to my stomach. I thought I could wait for hubbie to come back, but I couldnt and I quickly opened a Jello container, hoping to get not only some sugar into my body, but also some contents for my chemo meds. I google methrotraxte on an empty stomach, and supposedly its totally ok. Wasn't for me. I ate some pizza ( I know I know, TOTALLY should not have) and than I landed flat on my back for the duration of the night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but lay there. FML. Awesome. Passed it off as my horrible binging on Saturday night, and hoped I would awake this morning to a feeling better body.

Nope nice try lady. I feel completely nauseated and holy hot flashes. To top it off, I am still fucking nauseated and feeling sick to my stomach. Again, I passed it off as my chemo meds, and I forced myself to work out and eat lunch. Yep no more forcing, I don't feel good!!! My body hurts, I am having serious hot flashes and I feel like I am going to pass out at any minute. I had plans tonight which I canceled because I dont think I can even make it through work. I just want to go home, pop a painkiller and lay on the couch. Maybe eat some soup later. I am sooooooooooooooooooooo icky feeling on the inside and feel like I have the stomach flu again. Awesome. Just Awesome. Note to self. Seriously, maybe get help for binging on food. It isn't good for me, and recks hell on me for days after. How oh how to control that impulse when I drink. Seriously debating either going to a shrink for help on this, or reading some sort of book. I asked my hubbie for help, and you said you are stubborn, you wont listen to me when drunk~~~ Good point. Damn. Now back to work so I can go home.

Slide.

Slide. This is how  I feel. If you don't know this quote, it wont matter to you. I awoke this morning to a adorable heart that my husband had made out of Q-Tips. So cute. ;-) Turns out I needed it. I am exhausted, cranky and spent 15 mins in the bathroom this morning getting sick. Awesome. I don't know but I am thinking sloth day and the perils of busy season are catching up to me. I felt awful cramping last night, and got sick for a bit but than seemed fine so I went to sleep. It took an Ambien and 3 bendrhyl to put me asleep, I knew I was in trouble. I awoke this morning with stomach cramping, and sure enough I got massively sick for like 15 mins. Fun It's going to be a long ass day.

My husband last night made a comment about the "giant plate" of food I was eating. Keep in mind this was rice pasta, with some seasoning and spices with olive oil and turkey sausage. Ummmmmmm maybe so, but fuck I just tell you about my weight concerns, and you make a smart ass joke about my plate of food? Fuck you. I don't eat shit. If I was eating a loaded plate with ravioli and a side of garlic bread, than you can come talk to me. He doesn't get it. He eats whatever the fuck he wants and doesn't work out a muscle, and he is rail thin. He doesn't get it. I'm emotionally at my brink with work as I have been working these hours since January, and I want my life back. I am sick of eating lunches at my desk and looking forward to my one hour work-out much like a prision inmate looks forward to their day breaks. I am sick of being in front of the desk, I love my job but its wearing on me. Blah.

What is wrong with me?

Came into work yesterday, and felt completely 100% out of it. I couldn't focus on any forms I was working on, I had no sense of balance and I was completely out of wack. So I tried to work till noon, and than I went home for lunch. I came back to work, and I immediately felt like I was going to barf. So I promptly went home and slept. Fucking slept from 1:00ish until I woke up this morning. While I am feeling mildly better, I am so not feeling myself. My only sense of clue is well I dont know. I am sort of fuzzy, and my mouth is majorly infected with mouth sores which are bleeding. I am dizzy and have nauseated and have little appetite and all I want to do is sleep. I don't know what is going on. I thought I felt better this morning, but after coming into work, it seems quite the chore, and now I am exhausted. I am not sure what is going on. I am so grumpy and cant crack a smile if I tried. Even in typing this, I am getting dizzy. I am not sure at what point I should call a doctor, as I don't know if its my chemo meds making me feel like this, or if I actually have a cold or something. Odd thing is I dont have like a head cold, no coughing  and no none of that. I am just really really really exhausted, dizzy and disorientated. I think if I still feel like this tomorrow, I might call my auto-immune doctor.

I am not sick.. I may be in your eyes... but I am not sick.

As per google: Various definitions for the word "sick":

Definitions of sick on the Web:

• ill: affected by an impairment of normal physical or mental function; "ill from the monotony of his suffering"
• nauseated: feeling nausea; feeling about to vomit
• brainsick: affected with madness or insanity; "a man who had gone mad"
• disgusted: having a strong distaste from surfeit; "grew more and more disgusted"; "fed up with their complaints"; "sick of it all"; "sick to death of flattery"; "gossip that makes one sick"; "tired of the noise and smoke"
• pale: (of light) lacking in intensity or brightness; dim or feeble; "the pale light of a half moon"; "a pale sun"; "the late afternoon light coming through the el tracks fell in pale oblongs on the street"; "a pallid sky"; "the pale (or wan) stars"; "the wan light of dawn"
• deeply affected by a strong feeling; "sat completely still, sick with envy"; "she was sick with longing"
• vomit: eject the contents of the stomach through the mouth; "After drinking too much, the students vomited"; "He purged continuously"; "The patient regurgitated the food we gave him last night"
• people who are sick; "they devote their lives to caring for the sick"
• ghastly: shockingly repellent; inspiring horror; "ghastly wounds"; "the grim aftermath of the bombing"; "the grim task of burying the victims"; "a grisly murder"; "gruesome evidence of human sacrifice"; "macabre tales of war and plague in the Middle ages"; "macabre tortures conceived by madmen"

Now let's look at these definitions. None of which seem very promising. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME SICK. I am not sick, I am a survivor. If I get a cold, than sure I am sick... I love how people who you think care about you, turn this around on you and make it something they can throw back at you when they are upset. Yelling at me saying "You are sick!!! You need to come to grips with reality!!" You are sick!!!" Ya well fuck you, thanks for taking the one thing which is my hot button, and completely throwing it back on me.... You are not a friend apparently... Which to me, this is NEVER ok. I am not sick. I am a warrior. I am not sick. I am a fighter. I am not sick unless in your eyes you think I am sick, than I will always be sick to you. Being sick doesn't define my life. it doesn't define who I am as a person. It might of made who I am today, but I am not sick. I have been fighting various aliments my whole life, and hence I am fighter. Someone who is perfectly healthy one day, gets a flu like my hubbie. That is sick. Someone who is a sick with jealously of other women, that is sick. Sick is not something that defines, and I WILL NOT let it define me. (ok, venting done)

I went to the energy medicine doctor on Friday and I have to say i am completely in love with this idea of the whole mind and body working together. I have always told doctors that I just feel "off" and that my body just feels like it is out of wack. The PA (physicians assistant) on Friday told me that my body is in constant fight syndrome from some sort of trauma when I was little... or some point during childhood. She asked if I ever had any sexual trauma. I said yes. Chinese believe that a root of lower girlie part pain/bleeding can come from early trauma at some point in  a person's life... This trauma happened when I was 15, oddly enough around the same time that i started feeling like I was constantly in pain and hurting.. My spleen has always been an active part of my pain & suffering. Turns out the spleen is a "trigger" for this trauma that we are holding onto.... Hmmmmmmmm. I am very interested to have my first appointment, reading & homework of my energy fields. I believe the appointment is on Thursday... I do know that acupuncture has been the one thing over the last 2 months or so, which has made enormous strides for me, that and cutting out red meat. Turns out red meat is bad, hormones are bad. Acupuncture helped me clotting be all most half it was prior, and not only that, but my cycical rectal bleeding was done to all most a 1/2 what it was. This is the first time ever, that i can say that in my life since my period started over half my life ago... WOW...So here's to trying to find balance and harmony in my life.....

so sick of being sick

    “A healthy body is a guest chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison”

This morning is one of those mornings where I wonder if it is really worth getting out of bed for. I spent all day yesterday with the hide-a-bed pulled out, and sleeping/being sick in front of the tv. Even the simple act of getting up to eat seemed horribly painful. Originally I thought I was just hung-over from the amazing evening before, but as the hangover went away, i realized that my body is riddled with pain and suffering from well, being it's self. I spent the day drifting in and out of consciousness. It was awful. Made myself some simple grilled chicken, rice pasta and rice toast. Which promptly less than 5 mins later I was in the bathroom getting violently ill for 30mins+ or so. Well so much for eating.. It's overrated for today I guess. I had the worst stomach cramps every, my IC is incredibly flared, hormones again with period about to start ANY TIME NOW (helllllllllllllo) and today is reportedly the lowest pressure of the year.. Which also greatly effects my body. My inflammation is so massive throughout everywhere today it is simply amazing. My head is foggy and all I want to do is go back to bed. But I don't, because i am a fighter. I come into work and I am going to try and get some work accomplished today.

Gotta call around for a second opinion on my issues. I really feel like something else can be done, or should be done or something to try and alleviate the days my hormones are fucking with me like this. Every month, like clockwork I know I am going to feel like death. Stabbing pains in both my ab area and also my lower ab area.... Massive stomach cramps and inability to eat or keep anything down. I am dizzy and disorientated.,.. So goal for today. Make it through today. Call doctor to get a second opinion...

So fucking shitty feeling today :(