OMFG am I bleeding to death?!?

Fear is only fear when you let it manifest in you. Otherwise, it's nothing.
-Me-

Smoke-Free-12 days (all though my hubbie says 13) Sure WTF not... Let's give it an extra day.

I have this smell in my house. I can't get rid of it. it is either the smell of someone who is dying, something did dye and I just haven't found it yet, or my cat. Yes my cat. He stinks. Slutty and stinky. What a combo. Anyways, there is this smell in our house since I quit smoking..I even smell it when I hug my best friend.. In her house.. It's clearly me.  It makes me want to gag. Its stuck in my nose and wont get out. Every time I smell it i throw up in my mouth a little. Sometimes I ask hubbie "Dude tell me you have to smell that?!?" 1/10 times, there happens to be a time when he smells it. However I think this is purely because its a co-winky-e-dink and so happens at that given time something is our house smells like death. I must find this smell. I slowly every day for the last all most 2 weeks, well maybe more a week since I couldn't do anything but watch Law & Order (yes ALL the Law and Orders. SVU, Criminal Intent and the good old pain just Law and Order. Which department are they in anyways?)

Sometimes I wonder, if the smell of death is actually because of how sick I am truly am. Am I in denial? I don't get it. Than I find myself pondering during the umpteenth time on the toilet that day. "Surely this can't be normal?" and than "Does the average person dealing with a toilet that looks like Bama Tide just became my new favorite team. This CANNOT be normal. The bathroom full of medications says it isn't, yet I only officaly have 2 diseases I can name I actually have.. Oooo wait 3. I have my new one.. All though I had to nickname this is one. Edna. No way in hell I can pronounce it let alone spell it or explain it to others..... Just call me one of a kind ;-) LOL

Usually when the pain, or the sure guilt of someone saying "That's not normal, you need to go see a doctor." gets to me, I see a doctor. Now, obviously based on the tests and reactions of doctors, this can't be.. So than tests, treatment, surgery, more treatment and mysteries occur. Cycle repeat. Sometimes if I a lucky, the cycle repeats in a year. Sometimes 2 years. Where was I going with this? Oh ya. Being sick. See to me being "sick" means I have a flu or a cold. Which oddly and rarely enough, I very so often get one. That or the pains are so overpowering of the flu, I barely notice it.. Except stomach flu, THAT one I notice lol I don't think of myself as sick. Everyone else does, but I don't. I just see it as a way of life. It is who I am. My friend once told me, "God only gives you what you can handle". Well what the fuck, I must be one strong ass woman!!!!

Good weekend.. Rough first day back at work.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.”

Trying my hardest to spend each day the best I can in healing, and try not to push myself to hard. It's a tough job...
Day 11 Smoke-Free

Saturday- Was rather nice. I spent the morning watching ESPN College Gameday and playing with my yellow lab (such a dork), than I did some chores around the house & took dog for walk. Joined my bestie for some quick shopping and than off to bar to watch the 4 college games I wanted to watch. First time at a bar and FIRST TIME not smoking. Odd thing was that I only wanted to smoke when I was there once. Was surprisingly easy for me... Than headed over to some friends house for some drinks (my husband drank enough for both of us LOL) as drinking is not in my cards yet. Watched some football, saw some friends I haven't seen since my surgery. Planted my ass on the couch, and didnt move for 5 hours and 2 football games... My friend has the lovely facebook photo that she posted if you dont believe me.. My hair looks like I havent moved for 2 football games. LOL After my friends had clearly drank enough for me as well, and a massive headache from not eating (somehow chips, cheese, burgers and salsa didnt seem something I should eat) me and hubbie headed home.

Sunday- Woke up feeling pretty good. Cleaned the house as much as I could. Got a wave of exhaustion, so sat down and watched the Seahawks. God I hate Petey... Headed out to groceries and items for house with hubbie. Was good. I was able to walk around the stores and make it unitl about the last 30 mins, I got really exhausted. Spent some time with sister afterwards. Her partner has decided to quit smoking as well.... She JUST decided yesterday... Going to be a rough few days for both of them *prayers for them*... Started bleedng last night, which doctor said would happen.. He didnt mention the pain of it though... So I ended up flat out on the couch, heating pad and armed with fleece blanket.. Watched Jerslicious... Laughed at the girls... Made me feel better for some reason.... Life really is about more than hair and makeup.. Except Gigi.. I like her. She has a good heart <3

Had a dream last night I was smoking.. I woke up in tears and a complete panic. I even had the awful taste in my mouth, so I had to rush into the bathroom and brush teeth at 4:00am. Than BAM pain. Holy lower ab pain. I ended up laying in bed, petting my cat till the alarm went off this morning. Woke up, let out dog, and as I was walking back from the garage feeding my dog, BAM stabbing pain and I fell to the ground in the garage. Puppy barked I think in effort to wake up hubbie. Didnt work. Balls. Not a good way to start ot my first morning back. Showered and brushed teeth. Made hubbie lunch and started my nice new yummy smoothies... Than I realized that yogurt and OJ was spilling everywhereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. Fuck. I hadnt checked to make sure it was on right. Balls. OJ EVERYWHERE. Awesome hot stickie mess. Hubbie laughed... Made it into work, and feeling exhausted. Hoping to check emails (all 73 of them...) and maybe get some work done. Than head home noonish. I am all ready exhausted.

Today I wake up thankful.

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.” -Winnie the Pooh-

Life is what you make of it, and I refuse to let life be anything short of amazing. I refuse to accept that I will be sick forever, and I wake up every day as if it is a new day. Doesnt matter what yesterday brought, what matter is what today brings. So today I am thinking of the things in my life which I am grateful for. 

I am greatful for:

My amazing friends which have supported me through countless battles & always helped me to remember my light that shine so bright when everything seems so dark

My amazing family who is always there for me and will always continue to be there for me no matter what obstacles come in our way. Our bond is unbreakable and through the pain will find the positive

My hubbie who has never given up, even when I all most gave up on myself.

Our gorgeous home we have built together and that I have the luxury of being able to recover in.

My husband's health. Is is about as healthy as they come.

My kitties who lay next to me when I am sick and lick the tears away from mt face and purr on my belly to help heal it

My Yellow Lab who is always happy to see me, even when I am not happy to see myself

My job I miss so dearly and cannot wait to get back to. I am blessed to have a job I love more than anything.

Most importantly, my will to never take no for an answer, and the ability to always get through it all. The ability to wake up the day after days like yesterday, and treat today as a new day.

Trying to process it all.....

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”

Went to go see the doctor... Everyone told me that doctors know best, and that I should wait for the appointment to come next week. But being that I have spent the last 16 years of my life dealing with doctors, surgeries, appointments and generally the chase to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my body, I have since learned when doctors feel as though they have reached an end point. So I went and saw my endometriosis doctor. Yep, a tiny tiny tiny spot, one which he didnt even remove was found. So basically, I don't have endometriosis. Awesome. More scars for something which I have no answer for.  He showed me the pics tat he took while under the knife. My bladder shows all inflammed blood vessels. I even could see how many blood vessels where present. Than he showed me something which I am not sure how to deal with, and the only cure for it is a hysterectomy It's a distant cousin to endo and its called Adenomyosis, http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Adenomyosis/DS00636. Yea pretty much my uterus looks like a giant red hot mess with giant lumps on it. Awesome. I am 31 years old, and now somehow I have reached the point that I may lose the chance of every having kids. Do I try? Do I try and struggle through the pain? WTF DO I DO?!?!?!? Oh, I forgot the second part. I could have a blood disorder where my blood doesn't clot, and than I get the joy of traveling 3 hours to a specialist to try and treat the disease. Awesome.

No one understands. No one understands the incredible amount of strength and courage that it takes to sit there for the umpteenth time being told well you dont have this.... or you might have this... blah... My sister was kind enough to come with me, she took notes. She asked why I didnt, i said at some point, you brain just starts processing things in a different way than someone being told for the first time that they are not healthy. Its a weird mind set. I have amazing supportive people in my life, and right now I just need to process this all. Sometimes I think it isn't fair, than I remember when I was 15 being told I has an inoperative tumor in my sinus cavity in my brain, and there was nothing they could do about it.... Some point, you start looking at life in a different way. Some point the possibility of death no longer scares you. The possiblity of living your life in pain is no longer a possibility, it is your life. 

Some point you begin to shut down to people's problems in life and their trivial bullshit tat they deal with. Ooooooooo you have a headache... fucking deal with it. Oooooooooo you had to spend $20 for an office co-pay. STFU I just spent $15,000+ for  surgery that ruled out something, and didnt cure anytime. oooooooo you hate your job. Fucking suck it up. Oooooooooo you dont wanna exercise today because you are tried. STFU. People take their health for granted every fucking single day of their life. Fact of the matter is you don't understand what living in chronic pain is till you live it.... I'll get over it, and this too I will battle through and make the best of it. I always do. The amount of will I have to never give up is amazing... Sometimes I don't even know where it comes from.... 

I didn't smoke today... When I was sitting at the doctors office I thought about saying fuck it all. It isn't worth it. But than that would be weak, and I am NOT a weak person. I went to the library and got some books on cooking with chicken and fish, and I am going to try and eat less red meat. I am going to eat well balanced meals, and try to plan everything out. I  WILL NOT LET MY BODY DEFINE ME.... I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME. I WILL NOT GIVE IN. Asked doctor about working out, and getting back to well being me. He told me to do whatever I think i can do. Fact is I am more in tune with my body than 99% of the people out there.... I give myself one day to take it all in and feel "pity" for myself. It usually lasts 3 hours or so, than I formulate a pain and move on. Move forward. Today the hide-a-bed goes up in the living room, the "sick" things are going away in my house as of 5:00 today. Monday I go back to work. I am resuming my life. I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME.....

Frustrated...

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Called the doctor's office yesterday and moved my appointment up to today from next Thursday. I refuse to accept the fact that my body is healing normally. I tried to eat chicken and rice noodles again yesterday I got sick instantly and within 5 bites. According to all the books, I should be able to eat steak and potatoes, and all i can eat is soft food. Last night for dinner I ate one faffle (fake waffle since I cant have wheat), some bananas and berries. I have zero appetite and my energy is zapped. I am all ready 5'7" and weighing between 125-130 depending on the day, and I dont have any weight to lose. I can see the bones now when I stand in front of the mirror. This is slightly disturbing... I got out of the shower yesterday and started to cry.... Not only now do I feel sick on the inside, I also look sick..

Woke up this morning and my belly is incredibly swollen. I still cant lay on my side or lay flat on my back with extreme pain in my sides. I just know that this isn't right. I went to the store last night, and the symptoms of mt ass feeling like I just a fire taco from Taco Bell are just worse. I have worse stomach pains and lower ab pain... Everything just feel s worse. 

Worst off I miss my life. I miss my friends. I miss mt family. I miss the gym. I miss my job. I MISS EVERYTHING!!!!! I want my life back.....

Day 6 of not smoking. Pretty damn proud of myself.... I mentally am done. Smoking isn't even an option for me anymore. I am just done.

still recovering....

Slept not so well last night. woke up with some pains in my abs.. Cuts look pretty narly now with the blood and also now the blue/yellow bruising showing... Did the dishes this morning. /ow laying down.. awesome. Feeling restless like a school kid with ADD. all though that could be the lack of activity from a normally active person combined with the no smoking..

On day 5. thats $25 i have saved.... Feels good but haard. Got a little grumpy last night so i sent my hubbie away for a night of games to a friends house with some baked zita my girl C had made him. I needed the night alone... it has to get easier rightr?!?

my goal today is to rest for 2 hrs, up for something minor like laundry or dishes and back down for 2 hrs... see how it goes. /ot sure how i feel about lower ab pain...very sore now not just the cuts... Thankgod our couch in the livinmg room is a pull out bed.. Makes things much easier.....

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recovering..

typing this onm phone, so forgive the spelling and grammer errors....surgery went well. 'lept most of the day when i got home thursday. Friday i spent sedidated and sleeping. Saturday was college game day and i had to sit on the couch while my whole family went to game. Took valium and darvocet as to not get to worked up. my bestie came over and watched the game with us. very sweet of him. spent yesterday telling my hubbie i wasnt ready for solid food, but he insistyed. bhe has been soooooooo amazing that i said fine. he made me some chicken and rice pasta. within 5 mins, i was violently ill and throwing up... ya not ready. spent last night finally slept througjh whole night and this morning no painkillers....this morning took a ashower. wore me the fuck out. Poor dog, he is so bored.....

Incisions healing... my belly button piercing closed up in less than 12 hrs.. thinking its time to leave it out... my right incision lookls pretty narely. I am convinced it is going to grow back narely but everyone says i am crazy... its swollen out about 1 inch. Bruising just started. weird.

Doctor didnt say much to my family after surgery which is a little frustrating. Turns out my blood doesnt clot at all, and he wants me to run a battery of tests to try and determine whats up. awesome. mildly scary. again, battle of my body. Body 1 me 0.

Havent smoked since thursday and im ok with it.... hard but if anyone has the power its me.. reading book "the easy way to stop smoking" which is awesome. it gives u the mental power to quit...

note to self: find some good vegetrian books. i think its time for red meat to leave my life since red meat increases estrogen.... ok my fucking fingers hurt. Nap time.

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day before sugery

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”

Was able to keep myself together last night to go out to dinner with my husband and enjoy a nice glass of wine. I realized last night how long it has been since we have done that. It was nice. This morning I woke up and took myself to go get some coffee and read the local paper. My appointment with the surgeon is at 10:30, with the hospital appointment at 1:30. Nothing in my being is looking forward to this day, but even more so tomorrow. BUT I want to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel better. I am sick and exhausted of feeling like a pill popper just so I can do basic things like go out to dinner with hubbie. 

Still soooooooooooo nauseated.. Not sure WTF that is about, well i do, but usually the sick to my stomach like I just downed some raw chicken goes away, it doesnt stay around for days. For the last week or so, every time I smell anything, it smells like cat litter. Awesome. I hugged my bestie the other day, you guessed it, she smelled like cat litter. An odd little diddy that my body has thrown at me last 2 weeks. I can think of A LOT of other smells I would rather smell all the time. But cat litter? Fucking seriously. Note to self: I need cat liter.

Today is also the LAST day I will be buying cigs. I spoke with my husband last night, and I know it means a lot to him. But I am no doing it for him, I am doing it for a cleaner and healthier me. Also, cigs, its been a long and toxic 11 years, its time you get the fuck outta my life. You are no good for me. Period. I decided that with the money i would spend on cigs, I am going to two things. 1) Something spiritual for my body and 2) something physical for my body. I like this plan. 

Sooooooooooooo off I go to watch some bad girls club. This fucking show man... all I can say is wow. Reality shows always make me feel better about myself and the fucked up body god has given me. People wonder why I watch it, and it makes me realize that while I have all the health shit going on, I still have so many amazing things in my life <3

2 day count down to surgery..

-I shall pass through this life but once. Any good therefore that I can do, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it. For I shall never pass this way again.-
Etienne de Grellet


Well while this is my first post, I opted to just start from this day and move forward... I have been spending some time reading about other Endo sufferers and pain they are enduring. Turns out, lots of women out there are suffering.. and they are suffering in silence & alone. It's bad enough that this disease claims not only our dignity, relationships, health, quality of life and whatever else it feels like ravaging, but it also has to make us feel so deeply alone & suffering in pain. I ask does it really have to be like this? We should all be joining together (much like Susan Koman (spling?) and her cancer), we should be fighting through this together.. Note to self after surgery: Start local support group for Endo sufferers.

The pain is killing me today. It seems like the last 2 weeks have been constant pain and suffering. Like my body has decided ok surgery time, I can let go now. Maybe it was in my head? Maybe I knew the surgery was now scheduled and paid for, so I stopped fighting. I don't know what it is, but the pain is awful. I cant get over the overwhelming nausea and pain I am having today. I feel like someone is stabbing a knife in my lower left side of my body, and somehow the thermostat on my body is completely jank and broke. Top it off, I am bleeding like someone cut a hole in my stomach, and forgot to cork it. Awesome. I cant stop sweating, get flushed and than BAM feel dizzy... Last night I woke up in a pile of my own sweat. Awesome.. Whats next vomit?

Tomorrow begins the prep for my laproscopy surgery on Thursday. Scared to death, not so much of the surgery but of what they will find. Eager but scared. Doctor thinks I have lesions/adhesion in my bowels/colon/other organs that you know, need to survive, and that he needs to remove them. Sweet go for it... fuck, get this shit outta me! I have suffered long enough. I think the part that makes me more nervous than anything, is the fact I dont know what I will be dealing with, till I wake up. Awesome. Like after my 2 cornea surgeries, I woke up and said "Sweet I can see!". I think this one I will be waking up wondering how many cuts and new scars I will have in my body. Note to self: Schedule tattoo with bestie.

Fuck... Nothing in my body wants to have this surgery but everything in my body does... VERY conflicting feeling... Also quitting smoking as of walking into the hospital on Thursday. What better time than now. Smokes, it's been 11 years. Been a good run but you are toxic. Not only that, but you stink. Note to self: Buy new perfume.

Okay.. off to google some more about other endo & auto-immune disease sufferers. That or I am headed home from work is this stabbing pain doesn't subside.