And it shall be called Turkey Day



Got my whole week and last week all messed up. Stupid cold turning into a chest cold. I didn't have the energy to work out or do anything for that matter. So I opted to take the rest of the week off as well. Hell it is Thanksgiving, I can eat all the food... Er, wait. No I can't. No stuffing, no mash taters, no green bean casserole, no rolls, no dessert no nothing!!! Except turkey and salad. That's it, i am renaming my holiday to TurkeyDay :D Since all this girl can eat is Turkey and salad. Did you know that the average thanksgiving meal has 3,000 calories in it and over 240 grams of fat. Wonder how much mine has? Like 200. Sweet binge all I can on salad and turkey. Awesome. All well, at least I wont have the food baby that most people have after eating the holiday dinner. I have no guilt the next day of eating all that shitastic food..... Butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt that still doesn't take away the pain of watching people next to you enjoy the delicious goodness that you can't eat. At least I got football on. I suppose. I am always trying to look at the positive side of everything, so I am trying on this special day to give thanks to my loving and supporting family and my amazing hubbie. Also my amazing friends who through it all, have been there for me!!!! This I give thanks to!!!!!

Stupid cold :(

Last thursday I stayed home from work, felt a cold coming on and didnt want to get anyone else sick. Felt better on Friday, or I just choose to ignore it, I think probably the later. Threw an epic birthday party for my girl and than went all day to a football game. Tailgated from 1-5 and than game at night. ya it was like 38' I think... Sunday monring woke up feeling like death. Did nothing all day, but did manage to head out with hubie and get some groceries. Come Monday, my body was MAD AS HELL. Since then, I have been stuck at home. Trying to use this time to Xmas shop and plan out my Black Friday plan of actio.n... I feel like crap, My eyes are brunig anf hurt, and to top if off I have this awful cold. BLAH. God I wish it would go away. I just want to go to work!!! Odd I know, but I love my work. its my sense of calm. Snowed like  inches here last night. Crazy and hello winter. 

Side note. Aunt flow is suppose to come today. So far her flight has been delayed. Normally I would be worried, but with the chemo meds I am on, I never know when it will come.... Doesn't matter anyways, with all my meds I wouldn't have a "decision" to make anyways, my meds all ready made it for me.... All though as hard as it would be, I couldn't at this time in my life. Still baby crazy.. Thankfully my IUD goes in next week. I am anxious and scared for it... I am hoping for the benefits of he IUD and not the negative. Spoke with a friend last weekend about IUD, and she said after 3-6 months is really how long you have to wait for it to come through and for your body to adjust. 

I need tis fucking cold to go away. I have had to put my work outs, my energy sessions, my doctors appts, work and basically everything on hold. I am SO OVER IT!!!!! To exhausted to even type more. Blah.

Guilt.... It's a bitch.

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves -- at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others -- at what they did or did not do.”

Guilt is an interesting thing.... and guilt is something by which fuels us to act or do something in a way.... This guilt I feel is what I feel on nights like last night, where I get hungry and so I eat foods which I know I shouldn't, but I do anyways because I feel so damn cheated outta being able to eat certain things.. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does happen, it makes me feel awful the next day. I wake up in a bad mood and usually soon as I awake and my meds I have taken for the night which usually lower my ability to have will-power have worn off, I immediately feel a sense of guilt for doing this... I hate it. It makes me feel awful, fat and bloated. How can I treat my body like that?!?! Than I think, fuck you body, how can you treat me like that?!?!? granted all I ate was Cheese, Fake Bread with butter and some Cheetos. To the "normal" person this may seem like no big deal, but to me it makes me feel awful emotionally, spiritually and physically. But ya somehow I still slip up every once and awhile, and still act out in the privacy of my own couch while my husband is in his den playing his game.. It's usually on days like yesterday, where I spend the whole day for someone else, or taking care of things for other people and it's like my guilty pleasure I enjoy in the quite of my own home.. Again usually fueled by when I take an Ambien, can't sleep and end up somehow having this intense urge to eat food. I wake up the next morning feeling like I do right now, and it sucks...I hate feeling weak and that I gave into something I should not have. Oh ya, and I smoked yesterday to. So shoot me. I spent ALL DAY ON MY SICK DAY cleaning my house for my girl's bday party at my house. Than I ran around town running errand for the party, and finding the perfect outfit to wear.... WHICH I have no problem doing, but it left a sense of me wanting to do something for me.. So which I did. I ate.

Baby Crazy?!?

OK I don't WHERE this came from, but in the last 2ish weeks, I have come totally baby crazy... Now keep in mind I have no desire to have kids until 2+ years from now, and I have never been one to see a baby and squeal with joy as please dear god let me hold it... In fact I run away from them and head usually to the nearest bar or refrigerator for such beverages... I have never been one to hold nieces/nephews at family events or even run to see the wee little ones of friends, in fact I try and avoid and it. And suddenly in the last 2 weeks, WAM hello baby thoughts. I even had a dream last night about hubbie and me having a kid. Nice happy and lovely dream. Crazy... For real. When I search the fan site for my favorite game day gear, yep somehow I end up wandering in the section of Onsies for a wee little one. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? So I am taking this as a good sign that my body is feeling healing somehow on the inside, and my sense of "self" is coming back in and my "clock" (as much as I hate that fucking word) is finally ticking... So here's the plan. Make it through next 2 years and busy season of my job (which happens to be Jan-April), so make it through 2 season, and than work with my doctors to go off my meds, and work on pregnancy ;-) I am actually so fucking excited. I told my husband to put the IUD in me quick before I do something crazy! Good thing I signed a waiver when I went on the meds that I couldn't give birth ;-) Prevents totally craziness.

Another note, related to that. Holy balls week prior to Aunt Flow making her fucking visit. OMG my stomach is all messed up and my pelvic area is killllllllllling me. All I ate today for lunch for cottage cheese, decaf coffee, eggs and fruit, so I know it isnt that.... Than I looked at the calendar and sighed... Goody, its my week warning. IUD can you come any quicker? I am so ready to try something else. 3 months of potential bleeding and pain for months of solitude. Ya where do you sign me up. Wouldn't be different than any other given day... So sick of out of no where getting these stabbing and shooting pains in my pelvic area, and than WAM feels like I got knocked down. All though I must say that while I feel better once my flow comes into town, these next few days prior are complete crap and a guessing game... *sigh*

Chakra Yoga :D

OMG I HAD TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!!! I just finished my first class ever with Chakra Yoga and I gotta say, I am completely in love with it. The teacher rocks as well, which I am sure helps, but I love the idea behind it. Letting go and breathing your way into your body. Letting gooooooooooooooo. The stretches are amazing and include not only power strength moves but also breathing into your chakras. The amount of energy on the room was amazing. I loved the way I felt in tune with my body and my third eye. How the 3 lower chakras are the key to our "pain" and our emotional pain. The upper three involve spirituality. I love the idea behind it, and how my bladder pain and pelvic pain went away and eventually completely went away after 15 mins of connecting with my body. I am completely excited for this and will add this to my work out plan. Strength training 2 or 3 times a week finishing with breathing from energy medicine and 2 times a week (more when I get stronger) I will incorporate some point all yoga.  It felt so amazing to be getting back in touch with well me. My plan for the new year, is to have a happier, healthier and more connected body & spirit :D The next two months I will use for this plan. IF and only IF I can find this solitude, in a year my reward to myself will be a yoga retreat in Seattle or Cali :D

Also added to my plan, Buddhism temple here in town, but that's another post ;-)

Balancing mind & body

As I was thinking about my appointment that Ih ave with my therapist this week, I began to think about the test he gave me last week, and the results I found out on Friday. He gave me the MMPI-2 on Monday, and I was given the results on Friday. I figured in this quest i am on for self-healing it probably would be a good idea. He discovered the following:

1) I have high anxiety (well duh!)

2) I am overly concerned with health issues and health related matters (again DUH!)

3) I tend to want people to like me, and I tend to come off as self-confident.. Hmmmmmm maybe I could see this. I am no so concerned with people all liking me I think... Maybe I am not sure. I know that I want to come off as self-confident because I am very proud of myself & the things I have accomplished given the obstalces placed in front of me.

4) I dont like authority. Now this one I was stumped on. So I asked the opinion of my best friend and hubbie. Hubbie response was "Well duh! You work for you dad and he is your only boss. The only person you have to answer to".. BFF response was I dont think in an authoritative matter, but for sure you dont like anyone to have "control over you".. Ok maybe so, I can see this one

5) He questioned if I have a substance abuse problem. I would say most definitely not... I could have the tendencies to based on past experiences, but I for sure would not say now.

Now here is my question. Dr. B encouraged me to come and visit him weekly and to continue our work together. My response ot him was that it all depends on $$$$. Sorry but it does. With the vast aray of medical crap I am paying for, it all depends on money. However this is my question. What can you do for me? He keeps asking me what he can do for me, my response is self-integration. I would like for me to be comfortable with the person I am. All the time. Also to get some help with quieting my mind. Learning to find that inner peace. So in turn, this Friday when I go to see him, my question to him is going to be "How can you help me?!?"...

On an unrelated note. Hubbie and I had some loving last night. It was nice. However this morning my bladder feels like I could pee my pants ar any moment, and it's so inflamed it's awful. Didn't take any meds for it this morning though, I just wasn't in the mood. Looking forward to getting the IUD and trying that option. i am really sick of condoms. I really think the inflammation could be being caused by this... But at this point who the fuck knows. But again at this point, i am ready to try anything :D

chakra yogaHave a yoga class at 11:00ish today. I am excited for that. First time for this class. It is titled  and it is about the "energies" flowing throughout your body. I am egar and exciting to try it. Not only will it work on the energies in my body for the day (hence no need for energy medicine daily routine today) but it will also provide me with an amazing workout. I think this describes it well "It goes from the holistic health practices to the mystical and sacred. Because mind is connected to the body through energy (via the nervous system), learning how to work with these energies empowers and balances the chakras, bringing the body to a state of peak health, and the mind to a calm state. The result is a consciousness that is free to embrace its spiritual nature, a mind that is peaceful and clear, and a body that maintains optimum health. " I think in my quest to ultimately find this balance  between body and mind, this flows right into it. My shrink (I hate that word but it works for right now) thinks that I harness my negative/anxiety energy in my body, and that I am manifesting some of this pain. Which I would agree with, but with all the anxiety i do have, I think it is important to try and get the energy flowing correctly throughout my body... We shall see!

Strength is sometimes all mental.

“May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.”

Woke up Saturday morning, literally felt like death. All I wanted to do was head back to bed. I could barely move, I just hurt everywhere. BUT it was 5:30am, and I had somewhere I had to be. It was a home game for my college football team. No this isn't an ordinary game, our whole family goes. It is literally a family affair, which makes the games amazing. However, if you miss a game (I missed one because of my surgery) than you get sooooooooooo much shit it isn't even funny. I get shit for missing the home game opener because I had "emergency" surgery two days before.... So my point is sometime strength that we need toi overcome things, doesn't come from the body it's self, but it comes from within the heart & soul. It took EVERYTHING I had to put on my team colors, and get in that car, but I did it... My family was all mad saying I was "bitchy" and I kept saying that I didnt feel good. Granted bitchy in my family or me generally to anyone else just means I am being quite... However I am thankful that I made it to the game. While my team royally fucked up the game, I had a great time tailgating pre & post game with my family.

One magical moment was when my hubbie & I went on the field after the game and we watched all the fathers playing football with their sons & daughters on the field. Hubbie and I just sat there and watched, and talked about how one day that would be him... than we both looked at each other and said god I hope we have a boy one day! It was a nice moment for us because we really have been struggling and the last 1-2 weeks has been better. More of a connection with each other, and looking towards the future. I married this man because I love him, and he someday will make the most amazing father... SOMEDAY. Along those lines, I am getting a IUD put in the first of Dec. I think it's something for us to try, and I think the condoms are actually creating some irritation in there. Plus I think hubbie after 3 years of condom usage, could use a break. God bless his heart. I am nervous but optimistic about getting one. We shall see. The second opinion that I seeked suggested that it be worth a shot. After all the benefits WAY OUT WEIGH the potential side effects on this. Have it in for 2 years, take it out & go off meds & try. That's the plan right now, but however with any chronic illness, sometimes plans change ;-)

Now that I've calmed down a bit....

All techniques and methods of inner development have a common goal. They all aim towards freedom and enlightenment.

I spent the morning trying to rule out the negative, and bring in the light. i.e working. I <3 my job. I <3 my job more than anything.. obviously or I would not of ended up where I am today, having sacrificed my health for my license... I enjoyed spending the morning working on this project, even though the project is non-profit, which I usually despise. At this point I enjoy doing things with which my mind can focus. Focus in on the positive, and rule out the negative... I did however spend the morning in complete agony from the stabbing pain in my stomach and ovaries.. Told my hubbie I was speechless with him.. Still am. Fact he isnt kissing my ass right now is baffling. Only amplifies fact that I allowed my world around me to be about everyone else EXCEPT the one person who matter. ME. i am assuming from the negative energy and constant worry (note to self: talk to therapist tomorrow about this).

I had a dear friend of mine email me and in part of that email was the following(PS I can't figure out WTF why is the font changing?!? *shrug* "but I’m a little worried about how this is affecting you. Perhaps I’m overly concerned but I see a huge amount of underlying anger and that isn’t healthy…"... Is he right? Completely and absolutely 100%... Which is why I am trying to seek the higher power and work on Step 1: Admitting you have no control.. I can be a giver... and give & give and give.. That about me won't change. But what needs to change is the selfishness in my life from other people. I hate selfishness. i can't stand it. I don't understand.. I think that's why my hubbie this morning, and CHOOSING to sleep in a an extra 15 mins instead of meeting me, completely crushed me. Doesn't he think about me sitting there waiting for him? Where was the thought for me in this whole thing? No where.. Acts like this I am not standing for anymore.. Period. It's self-destructive to me, my health & well being.

And so I spent my lunch the following way.
1) Drove home, tried not to kill someone on the way from pure anger
2) Petted my puppies. :D
3) Worked out to bad ass bitch Jillian Michaels. STABBING pain in my upper left hand shoulder blade 5 mins in. I closed my eyes, continues to work out and breatttttttttttttttthed my way through it.
4) Worked on my energy medicine exercises. Amazing...Really healing. Felt flow of energy through out my body. Really getting into this.. I can feel the energy following throughout my body which is an amazing experience. Teacher says I am "stuck" with certain energy fields in my body flooding my areas. One thing in particular is my triple heart warmer i.e fight or flight. 
5) Meditated for the first time in my life. Took 5 mins, put on some Monks chanting in Tibet and just breathed. Every breath I took innnnnnnnnnnn and outttttttttttttttttt I tried to focus my breath on that moment, nothing else. When my mind wandered, I let it go back to the breath.. Towards the end of 5 mins, I could feel the energy flowing through out my body. It was amazing.

And so. I took a lunch FOR ME and my time. I loved it... and quite frankly it's about fucking time.  

Quite frankily.. everyone can fuck off today.

For someone who is so completely obsessed with painting my life using all the colors, sometimes certain situations are very black and white. -Chrisavgi Sourgoutsis- via facebook

Rather or not I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or not, I don't know. But when you go to sleep a few hours in when that day has all ready started, you know it isn't going to be a good day. I am tried, cranky, exhausted, tried of giving it my all, feel like someone is twisting my guts & wont let go, my girlie parts feel like my period is about to start, and it isn't, it's just playing a cruel trick on me and I am sick & fucking tried of people not doing what they say they are going to do & other people who wont let shit go.....

My therapist & my energy medicine doctor tell me that I am strong like bull.. LOL and today, that bull is just fucking pissed... I am not in the mood & I fucking hurt. To those haters out there who feel like they need to go around discussing MY LIFE with everyone around who is involved in my life FUCK OFF!!! My doctors tell me I have to much anxiety and that I am taking on to much from other people, and days like today I feel it.. All i want to do is go back to bed, pet my cat and sleep. I need sleep. My body has decided the last 4 days that I don't need more than 4 hours of sleep. Thanks body. My friends have decided what is best for me. Thanks friends. To my hubbie who decided he needed more sleep and couldn't make it on time, so I was late for work. I would of loved another 15 mins of sleep and not made you a sandwich & coffee. To everyone who thinks their needs come in front of mine SUCK IT!!!!!  I am SO SICK of people all over telling me what they need... what they need. It's fucking self-fish and today I AM NOT IN THE MOOD!!!

Here's to the good docs!!!

"I will always help the patients who have the desire & drive to help them selves. Ultimately healing rests within the patient, I cannot do this for them"- Doc Stevens

Today we focus on the positive, and those doctors out there who have never given up and who always believe in the healing power of the patients. I haven't talked about this much here because for the last 6+ months, my body has calmed and stopped attacking my corneas due to the immune suppressing meds (aka chemo higher doses it kills cancer, lower is lowers immune function) I started taking in April or May... I haven't seen Doc Stevens since the day I found out I passed my license and brought his whole office flowers. But Doc Stevens NEVER EVER gave up on me. He always kept trying and searching for the an answer and someway to relief the pain. After 3 surgeries, and numerous failed attempts of healing with "traditional" meds like steroids and eye drops, he found an answer. He sent me to go see a RA doctor, and Doc Stevens ON HIS OWN called Dr. B and they had a conference call to discuss me going on these meds. I use to be in his office at least once a week with pain. See the thing with eye pain is if your vision is fucked, not much you can do about it.... You can still "function" like you can with pelvic pain. You can't come to work to get away from the pain, and you just mind of matter with it.... You are fucked. Doc Stevens is the bomb. He is by far outta all the doctors I have seen, my favorite. Not only does he still care about his patients, he is completely ethical & honest, and a joy to always talk to. He is a shining light in the medicine field. So here is to you Doc Stevens for being the amazing doctor & person you are AND NEVER GIVING UP ON ME!!!!!!

Regaining control...

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.  -Buddha-

I made a decision a little over a week ago, and I am sticking with it. I am not having toxic shit in my life any more.. and more importantly toxic people. On top of that, I AM TAKING BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE... and I gotta tell ya, it feels amazing. I started out my morning with a 1.60 miles walk in the treadmill & read my "One breathe at a time: 12 steps of Buddhism", followed by a 10min row on the rowing machine, which felt AMAZING. I have to say the last two workouts, I finally feel like I am gaining back some stamina and well, strength to be me. On the way home I was greeted with this gorgeous view:

It was literally like the heavens above where shining down on me. Than I did my ten mins of Energy Exercises and hoped in the shower, and I have to say. I am feeling pretty darn good right now. I am feeling peaceful from the inside out. I love it. I am taking the steps I need in life to feel better about myself. I am taking the time for once in my life, to heal and work on my soul. I am deciding that modern medicine has done what it can, and I refuse to believe that this is is for me. That living in a life of pain and misery is a place I want to be in. In effect, I have booted out of my life toxic and harmful people aka DRAMMMMMMA, I am working on me by seeing my therapist, working on my relationship with my hubbie was became so tattered at the edges from 3 years of constant roller coaster of pain, surgeries and in between. Plus in there, I also got my professional license for my job which was complete hell. I am also working my sense of self. Who the fuck am I really? Where did the strong, amazing, passionate and well basically me go over the last few years? I refuse to believe that the possibility of us having kids is gone... it isn't final, it isn't final till I say it is and god dammit I haven't even started yet!!!!!

Twelve Steps:
Surrender:
Step 1:
"We admitted that we are powerless over _______ (for me is my past & my health); that our lives have become unmanageable"
In doing so, I have admitted that I need help. I need help dealing with the crazy and out of control my life has gotten with not only toxic people, but toxic thoughts and actions in my life. I have admitted that something needs to change, and only when we first admit it, can we truly began to change our lives. I admitted as I laid in my bed over a week ago balling my head off that I had in fact lost control. My toxic friends and toxic thoughts were consuming my life. I had let my life get away from me because I was so all consumed with trying to NOT be "sick" or NOT be basically someone I am not... The first step for me began when I realized I had completely lost control over my life, and it was about to blow up in my face. So I took the initiative to make a difference in my life today.. Not tomorrow. But today, and so I did.

Stand Still.

Read this poem on a fellow bloggers website about chronic pain. I think it has amazing power to it. While you have to be in the mind set to really read what this poem is saying, it is true... Sometimes in life, you need to just stand still, and just listen. Breathe In. Breathe out. Repeat. i think all to often in life we hurry to much and forget about the things that really matter in life.

"Lost” written by David Wagoner
Stand still.  The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost.  Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes.  Listen.  It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost.  Stand still.  The forest knows
Where you are.  You must let it find you.

Tomorrow I have the initial appointment with the energy doctor (well PA) but I like calling her doctor, because to me she is.... I am eager and excited to see what my energy has to say about me... Also I was thinking about my Doc MacSurgeryHappy and was suggested to me by a friend that I confront the doctor next time I go in. Tell him that I feel like he didn't present all the options to me, and that I feel like he jumped the trigger on surgery with me... Part of the Hippocratic Oath reads "I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug." I think my doctor, er, "The" doctor forgot this. It was suggested to me, that since I need to go in for my 6 weeks check up anyways, I use the time to express to him about how I feel he jumped the gun, and he forgot what it is that made him the specialist he is today... He forgot the basic human feelings & compassion can sometimes be the strongest medicine. He didn't look at me as a patient, he looked at me like a number or a statistic to enter into his book. I really felt cheated by him... He lost his drive to make people feel better, and got sucked into the all mighty dollar. After all WE are the patient, they are the doctor. Where did the compassion go for what one does?

Self-Discovery

Repeat after me "One day at a time. One day at a time"....

Due to some recent events occurring in my life... I think it was a higher power's way of smacking me right in the face and saying "IT'S TIME TO DEAL!!!!".. And so, I go back to my therapist I went to years ago who helped cure me of my awful panic attacks I was getting. I trust in him, and he saw me at my worst (i.e when I was newly divorced & just started dating my current hubbie. I was, well for lack of better terms, I was completely fucked int he head.. Now granted this was prior to all my health problems, and health issues really coming to a head.. But mentally my ex really fucking scarred me. I always say that the physical scars will heal over, but its the emotional ones which are hard to deal with.... So I have decided that it's time to focus on healing my soul. I will do the following:

1) Start doing things because I WANT them.. not someone else....
2) Make time for myself each and every day... even if for 30 mins.
3) Go to therapy for my health problems, trust issues and general urge to make everyone happy all the fucking time. God it's annoying.
4) Go to Yoga at least once a week. Birkam yoga at that. They have Friday night class. Fuck it, let's try and make that. What really has drinking on a weekend really helped me? Sunday Sunday & NFL fun.
5) Continue to seak alternative ways of healing and getting through this pain. I refuse to stop believing that this is how life is suppose to be!!!!
6) Read new book "One Breath at a time- Buddhism & the twelve Steps"....Excited for this goal.
7) Focus on work. I love my job. Let's make the best of my firm.

Ok.. I think for now those 7 are pretty large goals... I like goals. Goals give direction. My goal right now, is to try and uncover the pain I harvest deep inside of me. Let's talk about #6. I think its time for me to start owning up to the life I want to life, not the life I use to live when I was married to my ex-husband. I think when you harbor secrets and spend so much time trying to be someone else, you are exhausted from trying to be that someone else all the time. I think it's time to start being the person I am at work & business, in my personal life.... Never seem to have any drama or problems in my business life. I <3 my job & firm more than anything... because I keep it real, honest and ethical.... So I think it's time in combination wtih my therpaist and also education on my end, to start really diving in and seeing where my soul rests.... Because I really think my behavior has just been repeating itself, and I think it's time to try and uncover where this trama is coming from.. While I think I know, I wonder if there is something else... and so I begin self-discovery.

Sometimes we just need a story..

....I had used a quote from a childen's book called Crow and the Weasel by Barry Lopez "If stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away where they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive." I meant it figuratively till then. Now, I realize that it can be literally true when a person has a life-threatening illness. Sometimes a person really does need a story that provides hope, nourishes the will, or provides meaning, to stay alive"

-Close to the Bone- Life-threatening Illness & the Search for Meaning by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D.-

I am not sick.. I may be in your eyes... but I am not sick.

As per google: Various definitions for the word "sick":

Definitions of sick on the Web:

• ill: affected by an impairment of normal physical or mental function; "ill from the monotony of his suffering"
• nauseated: feeling nausea; feeling about to vomit
• brainsick: affected with madness or insanity; "a man who had gone mad"
• disgusted: having a strong distaste from surfeit; "grew more and more disgusted"; "fed up with their complaints"; "sick of it all"; "sick to death of flattery"; "gossip that makes one sick"; "tired of the noise and smoke"
• pale: (of light) lacking in intensity or brightness; dim or feeble; "the pale light of a half moon"; "a pale sun"; "the late afternoon light coming through the el tracks fell in pale oblongs on the street"; "a pallid sky"; "the pale (or wan) stars"; "the wan light of dawn"
• deeply affected by a strong feeling; "sat completely still, sick with envy"; "she was sick with longing"
• vomit: eject the contents of the stomach through the mouth; "After drinking too much, the students vomited"; "He purged continuously"; "The patient regurgitated the food we gave him last night"
• people who are sick; "they devote their lives to caring for the sick"
• ghastly: shockingly repellent; inspiring horror; "ghastly wounds"; "the grim aftermath of the bombing"; "the grim task of burying the victims"; "a grisly murder"; "gruesome evidence of human sacrifice"; "macabre tales of war and plague in the Middle ages"; "macabre tortures conceived by madmen"

Now let's look at these definitions. None of which seem very promising. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME SICK. I am not sick, I am a survivor. If I get a cold, than sure I am sick... I love how people who you think care about you, turn this around on you and make it something they can throw back at you when they are upset. Yelling at me saying "You are sick!!! You need to come to grips with reality!!" You are sick!!!" Ya well fuck you, thanks for taking the one thing which is my hot button, and completely throwing it back on me.... You are not a friend apparently... Which to me, this is NEVER ok. I am not sick. I am a warrior. I am not sick. I am a fighter. I am not sick unless in your eyes you think I am sick, than I will always be sick to you. Being sick doesn't define my life. it doesn't define who I am as a person. It might of made who I am today, but I am not sick. I have been fighting various aliments my whole life, and hence I am fighter. Someone who is perfectly healthy one day, gets a flu like my hubbie. That is sick. Someone who is a sick with jealously of other women, that is sick. Sick is not something that defines, and I WILL NOT let it define me. (ok, venting done)

I went to the energy medicine doctor on Friday and I have to say i am completely in love with this idea of the whole mind and body working together. I have always told doctors that I just feel "off" and that my body just feels like it is out of wack. The PA (physicians assistant) on Friday told me that my body is in constant fight syndrome from some sort of trauma when I was little... or some point during childhood. She asked if I ever had any sexual trauma. I said yes. Chinese believe that a root of lower girlie part pain/bleeding can come from early trauma at some point in  a person's life... This trauma happened when I was 15, oddly enough around the same time that i started feeling like I was constantly in pain and hurting.. My spleen has always been an active part of my pain & suffering. Turns out the spleen is a "trigger" for this trauma that we are holding onto.... Hmmmmmmmm. I am very interested to have my first appointment, reading & homework of my energy fields. I believe the appointment is on Thursday... I do know that acupuncture has been the one thing over the last 2 months or so, which has made enormous strides for me, that and cutting out red meat. Turns out red meat is bad, hormones are bad. Acupuncture helped me clotting be all most half it was prior, and not only that, but my cycical rectal bleeding was done to all most a 1/2 what it was. This is the first time ever, that i can say that in my life since my period started over half my life ago... WOW...So here's to trying to find balance and harmony in my life.....