Running again. Rock on. Rock on!

Unlimited Tip: Many of us are taught to settle & made to feel guilty if we are single-minded about going after something we want. We go on to believe that our desires are selfish, our self-love is arrogant & pompous. Society tells us it is okay to want things, but only within reason & at a price. We're allowed to want comfort, but in due time & within limits. Ask yourself this: how much deprivation, how much self-effacement must you suffer through before you act on your desire for meaning & fulfillment? Before it’s your turn to thrive in your life, instead of barely surviving it? Some people live their dreams. WHY NOT YOU? -Jillian Michaels-

Woke up this morning with a TOTALLY better attitude. For starters, its the last day in March! WOOT! And also I didn't wake up feeling like I was going to barf my guts out. WIN WIN! A co-worker about mid afternoon started feeling the same way, I am convinced that we had a minor stomach flu bug going around!!!Some how I pulled through yesterday, worked a 12hr day and also rocked Jillian Michael's 6-Week Abs without barfing. Yea me! You want to talk about an ab workout. I have NEVER rocked a video like this before. She kicks it and kicks it hard. I love the variations in her work-out, and how you can never get to exhausted or bored with one move. She keeps it fresh, challenging and kicks your ass. Not only is it a good ab workout video, but she sticks with her hard core Principal of working all the muscles and incorporating cardio. As she says "I was gargling my heart" while I was working out. Plus she provides you with not only a low level (which I need for some moves, just don't have the strength yet) but also a higher level (Bashera) who man she kicks ass. But it is nice because some moves I am stronger and better at because of my yoga practices, and some moves remind me how weak my abs are in some places!!!

Eating my one of my FAVORITE meals. I went to the market this last weekend and STRAWBERRIES are coming out!!! YEA YEA! So here is my favorite breakfast (and snack) to eat! Well at least one of the top 10. I love the sweetness of it, and I am a massive cottage whore so it works out well. Not really a dessert/sweet person per share, but I love the sweetness of Strawberries!!! Turns out the calorie count is good as well! I only am a cottage cheese whore with Lucerne low-fat pink container. Sure I will eat different brands at restaurants when need be, but for every day use, it HAS to be Lucerne pink container!

The no cheese ban has held thus far for all most a week now!!! Yes I have eaten 2 slices on my Turkey sandwiches when I eat them BUT THAT'S IT!!! I am so proud of myself. This is my little addiction. I love cheese. I could eat a block of cheese (use to in fact.. LOL). When I eat cheese I have no voice in my head which says "STOP EATING THIS" even though it will make me sick. LOL what a catch 22. Cheese is my dessert. It is most women's chocolate. The crazy part is that it makes my stomach so confused and makes me hurt SO FUCKING BAD and yet somehow I still want the sweetness of the amazing & delicious cheese hitting my mouth. I shit you not, when that cheese hits my glands in my mouth, I am already thinking about that next bit I am going to have. It seriously is my weakness and something I need to just SAY NO to. Last night I eat some soup (once in a blue moon thing because traces of wheat exist...) but with my upset tummy it sounded amazing. So I eat some soup. I use to dip cheese slices in this particular soup, and let the heat of the soup melt it just alittle, and ooooooooooo what an amazing treat.. Except I would eat like 8 slices.. Yep, no off switch for me with cheese... Shit now I am hungry for cheese. Time to talk myself down and out of eating cheese. Ooooooooooooo delicious cheese. Seriously.. This is what goes on in my head when I eat cheese... I just keep eating and eating.. It's my chocolate people...

It is a gorgeous day out, and I have been hiding in my office for pretty much all hours of the day, so instead of rocking Jillian (all though she was still yelling at me in my head!) I took my lab for a run! While running I realized that this was the FIRST time since my health issues back last summer and also Dr. Greedy's worthless surgery that I WENT RUNNING PAIN FREE!!! Omfg I cant even tell you how amazing that felt. I love running with my dog. Not only that, I went further than I ever did prior surgery. Such a huge milestone for me in my life, and showing signs of improvement!!! Thank you holistic medicine and IUD!! When I use to run it would burn so bad and also my pevic area would feel like it was on fire. It got to the point that I couldnt even walk around the block without being doubled over in pain. This really is a huge day for me!!! ROCK ON!!!!

If I dont barf.. it will be a miracle.

Last night I was watching Top Chef with my hubbie, after eating a yummy dinner of a taco salad (he eats double deckers) and I started to feel pretty nauseated and massive stomach cramps. Figured it was because I had seconds (god forbid). Side note, NO CHEESE! WOOT! Anyways, so I went to the bathroom with food poisoning type symptoms, and figured it was just because I eat to much. After I drug myself off the toilet, I start to wondered WTF was going on since my bathroom trip didn't alleviate the pelvic pains.. Weird. Wrote it off as exhaustion from work. Ended up falling asleep on hubbie. Woke up a hour or so later, and still feeling nauseated and my stomach was killing me. Ok seriously WTF IS GOING ON?!? Woke up this morning, and feel completely worse. I think I totally have the stomach flu. Awesome. I am not barfing (thanks to my strong stomach.. or not thanks still up for debate) but feel completely nauseated and sick to my stomach. I am soooooooooooooooooooo dizzy but I cannot afford the day off of work with every day mattering as we get closer to the deadline. Top it off, my boss is being total hard-ass and snapping at me over the stupidest shit. So I shut my door, turned up the rap and I want to be left the fuck alone!!! Working 11+ hours is hard enough, let alone with the stomach flu!

Gold Star IUD & Wall Yoga!!!

First off, I want to take a a moment to APPRECIATE my IUD. Here I am at the end of the month, which normally would be followed by mind-numbing cramping, heavy flow period lasting 7+ days, awful stomach pains and clots the size of an oz of red meat... and rather calming and mildly my "period" came into light this month about as peaceful as it is going to leave. Sure I have some episodes with my pelvic pains flaring & also boats of stomach ills, BUT let's take moment and think were I use to be!!! Not only to mention I can make it through the day with a little pantie liner and MAYBE sometimes switching it a light pad. When I use to have y periods, I would go through a pad an hour and if I could even handle a tampon, they would only last a couple of hours, if only for an hour. That's pretty damn impressive if you ask me, and something I can only attribute to the IUD!! I am not trying to be to graphic here, but these are the things that the doctors don't tell you. They don't tell you about how when you sleep at night now, no more need for night grandma panties with a diaper size pad AND a tampon... and if I you are lucky making it through the night for about 6 hours... Now I can comfortably drift off to sleep not feeling like I am potty training all over again with a giant diaper size pad. My pelvic pain is temporary usually and is briefly passed. I know my "period" is coming because the hormones trigger a change in my stomach area & food I can eat, but that's about it now. It's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me... and so HERE'S TO YOU IUD for making things in my life I usually struggle with so silently, not be so humiliating and depressing. I hope you continue along your path of success...

(This isn't me but shows wall yoga!)

Now wall yoga. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK is that?!?! I thought the exact same thing when Miss P instructed us to start our yoga practice against the wall, and we proceeded to practice using the wall as our stability. See it was a trust excise, and one which I had a hard time trusting to start!!! Once you closed your eyes, and began to trust not only your body, but the experience of the whole thing, it completely altered and change my practice for the day for the better. It was AWESOME! Like Warrior against the wall. Doing wheel pose against the wall. OMFG so amazing. If you haven't tried this before, I can't even stress how much you should try and practice your practice against the wall. Trust in your self. Let go.. Believe the wall will hold you and your body will follow. It was Epic. Another amazing yoga practice Miss P!!!

Mondays are not FUNDAYS!

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  ~Author Unknown
First off, I want to take a moment to send my thoughts and prayers over to my co-worker who lost his brother yesterday. He suffered a heart attack and was flat-lined for 24mins on Thursday evening, and they pulled him off life supports yesterday. It is his only family (no aunt, uncles, cousins or parents) and I cant imagine the pain he is in. RIP.

Today just isn't a good day for me, but I don't think I will have many with it being 3 weeks away to the end busy season, and us being short-staffed. All ready working 70 hours, and now with co-worker being gone we are short staffed and having to work more hours.. Which I didn't think was possible. I didn't work yesterday afternoon, as I thought I was going to spend some time with my husband. Turns out he was on his computer all afternoon and evening. Thanks hubbie. Still angry about this one. Anyways, I had to take my chemo meds yesterday evening, which is never fun and always makes for a pretty rough Monday. I am pretty exhausted and I don't think any amount of sleep or rest would heal me, I just think I need busy season to come to a close. My pelvic area is reeling with pain this morning and I am spotting pretty bad. Seems as though it might partially be triggered by stress, but honestly at this point I am so fucking exhausted who knows. I might have to ice it here in a bit. Time for Jillian at lunch, as it's Monday and my day to go home and let out our dog. I am just so drained, that it's hard to be motivated about much these days...

Side note. In effort to read labels more, which I have been. My favorite Gluten-Free English muffins I found out why THEY ARE AWFUL FOR YOU!!!  I read the label, 110 calories. Meh not bad. Than I read the serving size 1/2 A PIECE!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! 440 calories in a one GF English muffin? Ya sooooooooooooooo not happening.  I for one week a few weeks ago ate these every damn day! *GULP* I did however find these Udi's Gluten Free Muffins at Whole Foods yesterday. Not bad at 200ish calories, and surprising yummy! I love Udi's. THANK You for existing. Just have to watch the calories in some of there products as they can reach over 300 sometimes.. However, these muffins are a welcomed new food for me to eat and the price isn't to bad...

No matter the circumstance... life goes on.

We had a tragic event in the firm yesterday, one of our lead members had an family emergency and had to leave town to take care of family matters. It doesn't appear as though the circumstances will prevent themselves for recovering, and so he will be gone for an unknown amount of time. With the deadline looming near, it now leaves 3 of us, to do the work of 4 people in less than 3 weeks. Yes it sucks and yes that means more hours which turn a 70ish hour week into 7 days a week for about 80-90 hours. So be it, its my job. My heart goes to my coworker who is having to deal with this potential loss in the family, and it being his only family it breaks my heart. That's the thing about busy season, even though we work non-stop and in our bubble, life does go on. My best friend came into last night as a surprise, but it was late when I found out she was here, and I couldn't meet up with her, so I am going to try tonight. Do I want to just go home and sleep, sure. But life goes on, it's an important fact that sometimes gets forgotten.

Yesterday was a giant clusterfuck. I found out about my co-worker right before my yoga/Pilate's class, and I even went to the class, but in sitting there I just couldn't give myself to the moment, so i came back to work to work out the details of how shit is going to get done. Basically, it all has to be done at this point, so no particular order. So Than I went back to the gym to go running later on in the day, ya I forgot my shows. MOTHER FUCKER.. Seriously... So I worked the rest of my day for about 13 hours, and than headed home. Hubbie was out with friends for the night, and I made a moment to myself. I turned on the fireplace, turned on my favorite reading light, lit some candles and rocked some yoga for an hour. It was awesome and just what I needed!!! It's really important to take some time to yourself during these stressful times. I think all to often people forget that. I'm making myself hit the gym every day, its that one hour I need to keep my body in check and keep my body from attacking me. My eyes are starting to burn a little which triggers old surgeries of the past, but so far I have been able to keep them in check. I am hoping it continues as that's the scariest path to travel down and I don't want to!!!  I will weigh myself today at the gym.

I am feeling better than I was last week, and also I started spotting and heavy cramping on and off last 2 days, which I can only assume is m "period". With the IUD it isn't even really a period... So far, IUD win. Ladies remember how it felt to have the IUD in, well that's the same cramping I get in my pelvic area. Before the IUD, I would cramp like that for 3-5 days prior, and a few days after only controllable so I could function by Tylenol every 2 hours. It was miserable. This cramping on and off and some spotting walk in the park. I am no longer cycical rectal bleeding, and also the burning pain is gone. I no longer have massive clots and the bleeding is so slight. Every month I have the IUD in, it gets noticeably better and better. Right now is period 3 on it, and so far I am maintaining... IUD has some negative effects, but right now I am looking at the positive.

Welp back to work.

Jillian's #1 tip!

"Be brave and be patient. Have faith in yourself; trust in the significance of your life and the purpose of your passion. You are strong enough to sit in the space between spaces and allow divine inspiration to shed some light. When you put positive energy and productive effort into the world it will come back to you. Occasionally in ways you might not immediately understand and on a time frame you didn’t expect. Look. Listen. Learn. Stay open. Your destiny is awaiting you."
— Jillian Michaels (Unlimited: How to Build an Exceptional Life)

How could I NEVER do this before?!? I have never watched my calories. *gulp* When I started to eliminate inflammation foods from my diet, and tried to find the right path for my health, calories were SO HARD for me to come about, because I was cutting everything out that I knew under the sun, so it really wasn't a concern. I was rapidly getting health and dropping weight, so I never thought of it. I was feeling better and that's what mattered... I never really even looked at the calorie content, because i got settled with where I was at. I was searching yesterday for some Jillian tips on weight loss and control over your weight, and saw her # 1 is CALORIE COUNTING!!!! *GASP*. So I thought I would track my foods for the day and see where I was. I determine through some research that I should be somewhere in the 2,000ish calorie range. Here is what I found:

2 cups of Starbucks Decaf Via using only 1/3 of packets twice: 2/3 packets & sugar-free creamer 100ish

2 Apple Cinnamon Vans Waffles with 1ish TBS of butter each (189 + butter say 250)

2 glasses of water

1 small bowl of Kix & Skim milk

½ cupish cottage cheese (90 calories)

1 small Gatorade (80 calories)

GF bagel with Turkey, Mayo, 2 slices of Jack Cheese & lettuce with Smart Puffs

      (Turkey slices = 45 calories, cheese 110ish, bagel 310 calories, and Smart Puffs 75ish) =’s 540 calories

Handful of Mini Crispy Rice Snack (Kettle Corn) 60

1 banana (105) and scoop of cottage cheese (90)(LOWFAT)

2 Glutino crackers 120 calories

Fish dinner with brown rice & green beans (guessing here) 400ish

2 Hornsbee Hard Ciders (320)

100 (decaf)

250 (Faffles)

0 Water

110 (kix) + 80 (milk)

90 (Cottage Cheese)

80 (Gatorade)

540 (Sammie & Fessy puffs)

60 (rice snacks)

90 (COTTAGE CHEESE) +  105 (Banana)

120 (crackers)

400 (ish) Fish dinner

320 (drinks)

2,255 calories!!!

OMFG! How could I not even know this?!? While the amount of calories isn't the largest concern, I was losing track of what I was eating. I should be making smarter choices with what I eat. With Gluten-Free food, you have to read the labels so it seems. Sometimes because it is GF, makers tend to add things like sugar & flavorings, and the calories can be between 180-300 for each serving. I need to make sure I am not eating Faffles every day, and instead eating oatmeal and a banana. I need to make smart choices. I am going to track my food for the next week (per Jillian's advice) and see where I land. Even making a smart choice in the each meal, can add to shaving off a few extra pounds and getting rid of the bloat!!! And so I take advice from one of the best workout gurus I now and respect!!

Also today is weigh in day at the gym Curious where I land. Also Pilate's day. I am mildly ready for an ass kicking since Miss P just got back from a boot camp!!! We shall see!

Finding own path with food.

So I have started something interesting which I have NEVER done before (thanks Jillian for your #1 tip of counting calories!). It's been an interesting experience, and once I have NEVER done before today. I have to say I am pretty shocked and happy on some things. HOWEVER I am trying to get the fuck out of my office, as I have been working 12hrs straight trying to get to 6:00 dinner date with hubbie, so I will blog tomorrow. So for now, this great article on IC diets, but mostly how not one person's "diet" is going to be the same.. I enjoyed reading it.

My diet. Your diet. They are all correct! 

Some logic to bloatedness...

So I REFUSE to take the way that I feel after I eat and through out the day as being ok. I have done some research and  looked into the whole "bloated" feeling, turns out a lot of people with the IUD feel this bloatedness. However I wonder how much of it is people's lifestyle, and they tend to blame the IUD because the IUD makes the feeling more noticeable?!? I don't know... All I know is for all the good things the IUD has done for me, I want to try and alleviate the bad. So I keep trying. I currently take some (not the brand I use, but one I like) colon cleanse  pills (totally spacing on the name, but can totally visualize it) when my stomach is feeling full with a stool softener to help my body digest the food I eat. When than I started thinking, why don't I follow the directions for better digestive care?!? It says to take 2 in the morning and night with foods, and possibly take 3-4 depending on how your stomach does. I was thinking about my stomach issues, and I always feel worse in the a.m. (more bloated) and I always feel awful after eating, so maybe I need to 1) eat smaller portions and possibly eat more small meals in a day and 2) take some cleansing pills every day on more a habitual pattern so that I can help my stomach... Sooooooooooooooo I took two of them last night, and all ready this morning I feel like my digestive juices are flowing better.. Sooooo see what happens... Today is Jillian Michaels day 2, and 6 weeks abs day 1! Mildly scared! Jillian is one tough work-out instructor!!!!

I just can't accept the fact that my IUD would be causing all these problems. I do believe that it can be exaggerating problems/issues I all ready had, but I refuse to accept that I have to just accept them, and either be miserable or have the IUD taken out. To me, this are just minor inconveniences to me, and I just need to find an answer to try and alleviate the problem. This time last year (without the IUD) I remember sitting in my office chair with a bag of ice and just trying to numb my entire pelvic area. I could barely move and working out was completely painful. My stomach would feel like food poisoning symptoms for like 3 days prior and 3 days after my 7-10 days period. I was completely miserable. While I am convinced the IUD presents some issues which need to be addressed, I am convinced for now they are manageable to some extent...  

Side note. One BONUS side effect of the IUD for me is boobs! While not a common side effect, my body tends to react greatly to hormones, so I have noticed my bras starting to fit a little tighter, and well to be honest I just notice them more. So I tried on my favorite biniki top last night to see how it looked and WOW boobs!!! It was awesome! IUD 1 : taking out IUD 0. ;o) It was so cool and a huge smile came across my face!

In honor of Jillian Michaels being kick ass!

"Sometimes people will hear you and be able to change their behavior, but often their behavior has more to do with their own need for approval than with your need for support. No matter what their response, you need to be firm and hold your ground. At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility."
— Jillian Michaels (Winning by Losing: Drop the Weight, Change Your Life)

I don't have much time, as I am trying to work a "short" day, which means only 11 hours this time of year. But I have had completely a shit day. A project that I thought would take only 2ish hours, I just got done with like 1 hour ago!!! It was completely frustrating and by far one of the most exhausting days I have had this season. I just can't seem to recover today!!!

Side note. Got me some Jillian Michaels Fit in 30 Days today, and I tried level 1. Holy crap yo! I think she got meaner and tougher in this video! I have been working out like crazy last weekish and she completely kicked my ass. I wanted to try her Jillian Michaels 6 Week Six Pack but with my two errands I had to run today, I just didn't have time. So I rocked her 30 day fit video and I have to say I am scared for levels 3-4!!! I can't imagine what is nexrt. Having rocked her 30 day shred last summer, and kicked my booty and my abs into shape for Shasta worthiness, I respect the hell out of her and love her workouts. I enjoying having someone to yell and motivate me. Makes me angry and make me work out harder...

I am so exhausted even in typing this. Back to my work so I am GTFO!!

Feel good on the inside.. feel good on the outside

"If you don't feel good on the inside, than trick em into thinking you do & look good on the outside. Wear a dress or something to make your outside smile :D" -Grandpa-

I say this because my gramps told me this when I was a kid, and I have ALWAYS tried to live by it. Its a simple rule, but one that's easily followed. Being that for the last 2 months, I have done nothing but work and completely wrecked my "outside" by working non-stop and never taking a moment to breath, which makes my insides feel good.... till my auto-immune diseases kick in (which they are starting to) and than my inside turns into an internal battle field. And so, last week, I began my "re-balancing" of myself and my inside/outside balance. After gaining 15ish lbs between January and now, and completely just working, I was starting to feel so unhappy. It was coming across in EVERYTHING I did. My clothes, my friends, my work-outs (er lack there of), my yoga practice (which is the one place is shouldn't), the bedroom and most importantly and NOT OK my relationship with my amazing hubbie! So I took action for fear of not only wrecking myselfs but the relationships I have worked so hard for... And so that brings us to today, the 8th day in my "kick self in the ass" plan.

After yesterdays complete hell of a roller coaster with my body & pain i was in, I awoke this morning to a new day, and minimal pelvic pain which is good for :D I went into my yoga class (Tuesdays is Chakra Yoga day) with my bad ass instructor (shout out Miss P) and saw the sun was shining quite bright today!!! Out yoga studio has large windows in it, and I took the chance to practice in the sun, like the ancient yogis! It was amazinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. I could feel the rays of sunshine while I practiced and had an intense practice. I was able to hold poses I haven't yet before and was able to rock half a headstand from trip-pod!!!! Also my Miss P looked at me after class and said "Beautiful practice". Yes Miss P, yes it was! SO than I went to pick up lunch at my favorite Chinese place for me and my boss.... I order the Rice noodles and chicken. Little bit of deliciousness but all still ok for you!!! The manager (who sees me all the time) commented on how tall and slender I was and how he is amazed with tax season I stay so slender!!! I was glowing. My point in this whole post?!?!? When you are glowing from the inside out, your glow is unstoppable :D Find your inner glow!

A reminder about WHY I have the IUD!

Don't EVER forget how far you have come... or where you came from!!! -me-

I had to stop the peppermint tea, it was inflaming the shit out of my bladder. I actually forgot about that (drama last busy season with my I/C flaring up so bad it hurt to sit) and doctor putting me on meds. WHICH I have managed to wean myself off, and now control my I/C with diet and exercise. Anyways, I attempted the peppermint tea, which made my bladder burn. So stopped. Downed 3 more glasses of water, and than one Gatorade. Eat some lunch. Just a Fagel (fake bagel, my hubbie calls them fagels) with turkey and some fessy puffs (fake cheese puffs) and I felt like I gained 5 lbs. My stomach is SO fucking messed up today. I didn't understand it. I motivated myself to go to the gym by self talking. I basically yelled at myself in the head like Jillian Michaels would, and knew I would feel somewhat better if I just went. So I went. Did elliptical 2 resistance higher and one level incline higher. Again Jillian was my motivation. Felt better, than came back to work. Horrible cramping and than BAM spotting. Ooooooooooooooooooo I totally forgot. It's the 20 somethings of the month, my "normal" period is still trying to come through. Which totally explains the stomach problems. God damn they use to be so much worse. Like mind numbing, and diherra one moment and than the next horrible constipation. It was awful. My pelvic area would feel like a war zone for days before and days after. Pretty much 2 weeks of hell. The fact that I am able to even work a 12 hour day is AMAZING and sooooooooooooo need to remember where I came from. I got my IUD the first week of Dec, and its only March, so it only has been 4 months. Which for my body, every week towards a better week I will take. This explains the sickness last night. For every month, I would be horribly ill like food poisoning symptoms for 3-5 days prior and 3-5 days after. Ya, you do the math...

Awful 12 hours & bloated like a stuck pig

OMFG I HURTTTTTTTTTTTTT THIS MORNING!!!!

SO BLOATED!!!!

I made some dinner last night I THOUGHT would be ok with my body. I went to bed around 9:30ish, and about midnight when hubbie awoke me to go to bed, as soon as we got into bed, I felt this horrible stomach cramping & pain (imagine your worst cramps) and felt really nauseated. I could feel it coming on, all I could do is wait for the pelvic pain to move down to my stomach and through my system so I could have the awful cramping food poisoning symptoms. Fun. SO about 1:00amish, there it came. I was in the bathroom for I dont know how long, I was have asleep and the other half in pain. Great. (this is the hell of my pelvic pain world and why I have to watch what I eat so greatly). Holy fuck it hurt. I crawled back into bed, and hubbie asked I was OK. I said no. I grabbed the heating pad before I laid back in bed, as it usually helps to calm the intense cramping pain (like I am getting an IUD inserted all over again) I am exhausted this morning, and NOW I am completely the opposite in pain with constipated and bloated cramping.

Here's what I have had to take thuse far:
3 glasses of water
1/2 cup of Decaf coffee (makes me want to vomit)
2 stool softeners
4 desperate swigs off Milk of Magnesia
1 peppermint tea
and so far, nothing has alleviated the horrible cramping/constipated/bloated feeling I have! God damn it hurts. It's so uncomfortable, I just to want to unbutton my pants, as I can hardly button them anyways. It's so hard to concentrate and work. I had zero sleep last night and this morning I just hurt so bad in the opposite way. I made this chicken and rice bake recipe in the oven last night. It's an amazing recipe, but it has 3 questionable things 1) onion soup packet (not sure on the GF factor on this one) 2) Cream of mushroom soup (yea not GF but usually my body can tolerate it (which apparently IT CAN'T NOW!!!!!!) and 3) milk (again usually ok, but might of been enough with the can of mushroom soup). Sooooooooooo never making that again!!! Not for this hell! If it wasn't busy season, I would totally have stayed home till this passed. This is SO uncomfortable!!!! Totally going to keep downing the remedies I know of till this knot in my stomach goes away.. Also I WILL hit the gym today (not sure when but when this pain goes away) and I will not weight myself.. with this extra bloating.. I dont think it would be a far read...

I remember that day I realized I was fat...

"Sometimes people will hear you and be able to change their behavior, but often their behavior has more to do with their own need for approval than with your need for support. No matter what their response, you need to be firm and hold your ground. At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility."  -Jillian Michaels-

As I am watching Biggest Loser Couples on Hula tv right now (Love my some Jillian, as she is my workout girl & I need some background noise. I feel like with working 12+ hours, I have heard all the music.. No joke. I am sick of music), its invokes tears on my face and reminding me of how hard you have to work to fight the weight loss. It's also an important reminder of how much family is an influence on our every days life and when we are children, our parents need to instill exercise and healthy eating in us. It's their responsibility as a parent. But that's a whole different subject. Back to the day I realized I was fat.

I was wearing khakis in a size 14, probably needing a size 16, but I refused to shop at the "big girl" store and I wouldn't acknowledge my weight gain. I didn't see myself as heavy, but the scale and the size didn't lie. I am sorry, but a size 16 is not healthy. I don't care what America says, it is not heavy nor desirable to be heavy. I mean, what is it now, like 60% of our society is obese. Come on.. But not here to preach that. I remember being in the gym, I had just "worked out" at the gym, but I wouldn't call it working out. I think I casually read a book and walked maybe at a speed of 3.0,maybe. I steppe don the scale and it read 180. WHAT?!!? How did I go from an active and healthy 20 something year old girl in California to gaining 50 lbs?!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!? I didn't want to accept it. Even when my boyfriend (now husband) tried to break up with me because I was fat, I didn't get it. When my friends would hang out with me and make comments, it didn't matter because I didn't see it. Now Ilook back at the photos of myself from than,  my family, friends and hubbie all can't believe what a difference it has been. Now this wasn't easy by any means. I still have days when I am out at a bar, and my friends are mowing on tots and chicken wings and to be quite honest I get incredibly jealous sometimes. Incredibly. I say WHY ME?!? Why do I have to watch my weight? Why do I have to work so hard?!? Point is who fucking cares. All wasn't there when god made my body, all I can do is control it. Point is, it's under our control.

Anyways, I remember having tears strolling down my face, and thinking "OMFG I AM FAT!!!". My once petite and small size 4 had turned into whole nother person. I was unhappy, I was miserable and quite frankly my life was spinning out of control. I remember telling myself to ALWAYS hold onto this feeling, because it will always remind me of why I work so hard. Flash forward 4 years, and 52lbs (pre busy season ;) working on that...) and people look at me now and can't believe I use to weight all most 180. They don't believe me. I assure them, that this is something I wont lie about. I have completely changed m life around, found activities I love to do and enjoy them dearly. Sure watching what I eat is tough, but I am healthier than I have ever been and happier than I have ever been and at 31 years old when college students tell me "You have the hottest 31 year old body I have ever seen!" it gives me that little boost I need, and a reminder of when you feel good on the inside, it shows on the outside. Here's to a happier and healthier me :-)

Don't be so quick to blame IUD!!!

Weight: 135.5
Mood: Exhausted but i am grinning from ear to ear
Workouts: BUSTED my ass this week!!

So I remember one thing distinctly when my lovely Doc IUD talked to me prior to IUD. She said "Does IUD make you gain weight?. Maybeeeeeeeeeeeeee but nothing can be proved and how can you blame the IUD on lifestyle choices!" She was very vague and non blaming on it, and I remember her face even when she said this. So i read other peoples comments and posts, and one could either assume 3 things:
1) IUD's are awful and make you gain weight
2) IUD's are amazing & no problem
3) Everyone else falls between, and gives up and takes it out.

Scar #1 from Worthless Surgery

Now. Let's think about this logically. My husband mentioned something to me last week while I eat a plate of rice pasta (I believed I ranted about this) made with turkey and only seasonings "That's a large plate of food!!!" to which I got all upset and fired up. Hindsite, he was right. Bastard. There was two important things I was forgetting in this equation. Sure hormone makes you gain weight. Everyone knows that, but everyone seem to forget that. It's what makes some girls have junk in their trunks, and boobs! Hell when I was on depo, I had Double D's!!! DOUBLE D's!!!! Which when I went off Depo, my boobies shrank allllllllllll the way down to a B!!! Now, if hormones can make you do that, why cant they make you gain weight. BUT here's the kicker. Why cant it be controllable? SO what you have to work a little harder and make a little extra effort. So be it. Taking the IUD out doesn't mean resuming a "normal life"by any means. To me it means pain, bleeding, suffering, lose of motivation and it hurts to walk. IUD removal means condoms again and no more spontaneous sex. It means suffering every day from the burning feeling I have in my pelvic area and horrible mind numbing periods. Its means blood clots coming out of my body in all places at all times. It means something I am not willing to accept. If I have to work harder, at least I can work harder and not be on the couch!!!! Taking out the IUD means this scar (pictured) will ALWAYS be there, and a reminder of pain, suffering, burned money and a VERY painful time in my life (thanks Dr. Greedy!). Words cannot describe what it feels like to look at yourself EVERY time and see these scars. You don't understand unless you have scars to remind you of a very haunting time, that fixed nothing and cost you thousands you are still paying off & a doctor who completely took advantage of a pained young women.

I busted my ass this week, watched what I ate and worked my bootie off, and look, I am back down to 135ish AND I got me some booty and boobies LOL No seriously, I think sometimes in America people are quick to judge and blame things for things like weight gain. Yes, I can see why people think the IUD made them gain weight, BUT if you read the posts after people have it taken out "HELP I CANT LOSE THE WEIGHT!" So logistically here, think about it. Maybe your lifestyle is to blame, not the IUD...

YOGA IS MY SAVOR!!!
I went to my Pilate's/yoga class today with my badass instructor. I should of stayed and work, but everyone was grumpy and I needed the release. Yoga is my savor. So I went. Mid way through class, I was completely in the zone with my eyes closed and sooooooooooo in the moment. Badass instructor asked us to breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh into our bodies and let go with a motion called Wood Chopping. I did, and god dammit I start to tear up and I could feel this release from my body. The stress, the tension, the pain of the busy season was just "letting go" and I let the tears stream down my face. I felt so in touch with myself and my body it was AMAZING!!! Yoga practice went on, and towards the end we got into our favorite ending pose, whatever that may be for us. I sat with my legs crossed Indiana style and just breathed. Again the tears started to roll down my face. It felt so amazing. I went up to instructor after class, and said "Thank You". She looked at me and said that it was absolutely beautiful to see that release" and pointed to my eyes. AMAZING... What a day!!!!

Unhealthy me needs to be fired.

"I am ill at these numbers” -William Shakespeare

Today is Friday, which means I will weigh myself at the gym. I felt inclined to point out that while I am still a size 4, I use to weigh 180+ and also rocked a size 14, with probably a 16 being needed, but I refused to rock that size.,. I am not some twig who is obsessed with weight, and trying to maintain my figure, I am someone who not only use to be fat, but so incredibly unhealthy, I think back to those days and it makes me shudder. The pasta dishes I would eat with the loaded cheese on top of cheese. I would eat out regularly and I also would be in and out of the doctor's office weekly. I was soooooooooooooooooo unhealthy and my body was hurting in more ways than one. I had 3 surgeries within a 4 month window, and couldn't recover from the first surgery. Weight for me isn't just a vain thing, it's a life or death thing for my auto-immune diseases. And so, I post some photos of the belly bloat I am feeling and also what I am talking about. Yes I am a size 4, but my belly feels like a size 14 all over again!!!! You can see (and I can see) how extremely bloated my tummy is, and quite frankly it hurts. Its part of my chronic pelvic pain I am fighting, and something I am hoping to get back to healthy!!!!

In an effort to maybe help some other allergy sufferers out there and people who have restricted diets, I am going to start posting some of my yummy & delicious alternatives for foods. For lunch yesterday I had a yummy Turkey sandwich with 2 slices of Jack cheese, lettuce, mayo and mustard. I use Udi's GF bagels which are amazing. Pop them in the microwave for 40% power for 1.15mins and BAM you got yourself some yummy snadiwch material straight out of the freezer! I also included some Safeway Mini Crispy Rice Snacks (kettle corn flavor) as I can't eat potatoes, which means I can't eat chips! All and all, a yummy GF and potato free lunch!!!

I have Pilate's today and I will be weighing myself at the gym. I am HOPING I have maintained my weight at 138ish, and I am praying I have not gained any weight. I have busted my ass this week at not only work but at the gym and eaten only foods that my body can handle... So here is hoping!!!

My eyes started to bug me yesterday which is scary. See when my body attacks me, it attacks my corneas and builds scar tissue on them. The reason I am taking chemo meds on a weekly basis. It suppresses my immune system. Basically thinking that my eyes are a foreign matter, and wrecks my eyes. It feels like someone rubbed sandpaper all over them, and I have had 3 surgeries to remove the scar tissue. Let me tell you it's about as painful as it sounds, and even more painful when you wake up in the middle of the surgery, while they are cutting the tissue. *shudder* So I made sure to ice my eyes last night, put in my steroid drops and get some sleep. I KNOW it's from the stress and hours I have been working, so I just need to maintain it to and keep a watch on it. But still, it's a scary scary premise to something and a path I don't want to go down!!!!

This is just disturbing.

I was checking out my blogs I follow, and found a link to this video. I cannot believe that people actually have a smoking fetish. Like really?!? Disturbing to say the least.

Kate Moss smoking on fashion runway in Paris and smoking fetish videos!! Really?!?

I won the battle of the cheese.. for now.

When it comes to eating right and exercising, there is no "I'll start tomorrow."  Tomorrow is disease.  ~Terri Guillemets

HAPPY ST. PATTIES DAY!

Quick note on St. Patties day. Shitty holiday for me. Right in the middle of busy season and I can NEVER celebrate the holiday. I mean after all it is a beer drinking holiday which 1) I can only drink like 3 beers and 2) it marks the time when I am mentally, physcially and emotionally drained from the busy season. I always have serious melt downs and breakdowns around this time, and thankfully hubbie is totally supportive & just hugs me and says "It's all most over.". I can't go out and get wasted drunk like most people for this holiday, as well I have to work 12+ hours tomorrow, and being hungover is NOT SOMETHING I am willing to do this time of year.

Hubbie and I had tacos last night. God I swear the cheese was like talking to me saying "Eat me!". I was open and honest with hubbie though, and he took the cheese away from my view and said "See! no cheese exists!". God I love him. Something about cheese that is sooooooooooooooooooo sweet and delicious to me, but I tried to think of my flabby belly (in my head) and about how bad I didnt want to look like that... and somehow, through the love and support of hubbie, I made it through WITHOUT putting cheese on my tacos!!! GO ME!

I haven't gotten on the scale since Saturday's depressing  (maybe it was Monday, they are all blending in together these days with working as much as I do.) My plan is Friday after my Pilate's class. I will be happy if I have maintained at under 140, I will be ecstatic if I weigh 138ish. See I have been to the gym, and watched the Yes and No foods for me (with all my food restrictions) and also stuck to my guns! I am proud of myself, it hasn't been easy. I am still reeling from sloth day honesty. My stomach is still all cramped up and comes and goes in feelings of comfortableness. I know this in part because it can take 5-7 days to get that shit out of your system.  I feel better and better every day, but god damn my body just wont forgive me for sloth day. Maybe the wake up call I needed to kick my own ass back into gear before my body revolts and gets sick

Headed to the gym today. Going to hit up the elliptical and also work some abs and MAYBE rowing machine. I am pretty sore today from Jillian and yoga, but I am hoping this is a good sign!! Might head out here in a bit, get a morning work out in instead of a after lunch. Try and get a morning rush going as I am seriously struggling this morning. I couldn't go to sleep last night. Not even with 3 anti-histamines and a Ambien, my body was just not sleeping. I am wondering if it is from the De-caf coffee I had at 5:00. EVEN THOUGH it's decaf, it still affects my body. From now on, I think no coffeeish drinks after 3:00ish. My body was JUST not going to sleep last night. So lets hope the adrenaline kicks me in for my workout. Yep mid morning workout it is.

Jilly, Wiggle & Figgle

I rocked me some Jillian Michaels today. Figured out where those extra 10lbs have gone. Yep, when I did jumping jacks, I could feel my stomach, thighs and booty a jiggling. GOD SUCH A MOTIVATION.. Most people would get depressed, but I think how hard I have to fight for everything I do, and this only ads to it. I am mentally tapped with my busy season hitting the 4 weeks window. I am mentally, physically and emotionally wrecked. Tapped out. I miss my life. I'm not trying to sound whiny by any means, but I am just stating. I know this affects my health, and thus far I think I am holding my own... Hells, my doctor bill for the first time since I can remember are actually knocking down each month, not adding up for tons of hundreds of dollars. It's an odd feeling to me. Its like being on a sinking ship, that you once knew had a hole in it, and cost thousands to repair.. You keep expecting the hole to resurface, even though you had it fixed!!!!

Haven't smoked this week. Fuck I want to. Been to the gym every day this week, and haven't eaten cheese since my sloth day on Sunday. Again, fuck I want to.  Hit cardio/abs Monday, AMAZING yoga yesterday and Jillian whopped my as in 30 day shred. I also ordered the new 2011 30 day shred she put out + her 6 weeks to better abs. I will start next week I think...

Taco night is tonight. Which shall be a good test of me. I am tryng to think of my figgle faggle belly and how cheese really truly affects me. Good snack when have no other choices yes, but see the thing with me is I can't just say no to one. It's much like pringles chips. With anything in my life, I can't just do one. I can't do one tattoo, one degree, one horse, one best friend lost, one cat, one husband (I love my second one, I am good BTW), ONE ANYTHING. I can't just do one. I always want to to know... seeking.. learning.. ANYTHING I can't just do one. I am constantly seeking and constantly trying to see what is out there. Hell you only live once.  Much like my tattoo's. Spent 30 years of my life tattoo free, why not spend the next 30 years with something different.

Gaining weight on Mirena?!?

I don't know how I feel about this.... I have done tons of research and looked up people's comments and what they say. After looking at several, I think I have come to a conclusion on what works best for me.

Many people say that they are having other side effects with the IUD (like stomach problems, dizziness, headaches ect) and for me, those were my problems and they all have dwindled or gone away to nothing. I don't have anything bad to say about Mirena except the 10lbs I have noticed that I have gained. I weighed 128 going into the busy season, and now I am floating between 138-140. People kept telling me a I was to skinny, so maybe I needed 10ish lbs BUT I DON'T WANT ANYMORE! I am bordering on uncomfortable. From what I read, the IUD makes people gain 10ish pounds, and if you work out hard & keep to a health lifestyle, than the pounds will level themselves off and your body will adjust. Ok so let's be logical here (since I was completely emotional and illogical with my hubbie last night). I haven't been very active with busy season, in January and February I would try and hit the gym and make it maybe once or twice a week, and I did let some of my foods I am NOT SUPPOSE to eat (for health not weight reason) come back into my life. I got busy with work and used it as an excuse to stop working out. I focused all my energy on work, and I think I am now suffering for it. I know my boobies are growing, which obviously this is hormone related, and of course some lbs are going to come with that. I know my booty has grown a little bit and needs to be toned back from the gym. My 6 pack abs isn't there, and I am slowly working on those.... I also noticed with people's posts that they took out the IUD and miraculously thoughts they would lose all the "extra" weight that they gained, and it seems everyone got stuck at 10lbs. Soooooooooooo maybe IUD makes people gain 10ish lbs. I am ok with that. Er, I will be. Working on it. But there has to be a coloration between people gaining 10ish lbs, and the IUD. I refuse give up.

SO here's what I am going to do. Bust my ass at the gym the next week, and see what happens. Right now I am at 2lbs per week, and I would like to hold steady. See what happens eating what I am suppose to and getting the right amount of exercise (all though I would like more than an hour a day, but I got another month...) and see where the scale lands. I will closely monitored my body, and see what happens. IF I get over 145 with me working out like crazy, I will call my doctor or a nutritionist. See weight is my ONLY bad side effect with the IUD, and I don't just want to throw it away. Is it hard. Yes. Is it emotionally draining. Yes. Do I need more loves and support from my husband than ever. Yes. But like with anything else in life, I have to work twice as hard as most people to make sure my body reacts, and make it react in a positive way. I am emotionally and physically drained from my job right now and I miss my life.... I just need to be a fighter right now.

Slide.

Slide. This is how  I feel. If you don't know this quote, it wont matter to you. I awoke this morning to a adorable heart that my husband had made out of Q-Tips. So cute. ;-) Turns out I needed it. I am exhausted, cranky and spent 15 mins in the bathroom this morning getting sick. Awesome. I don't know but I am thinking sloth day and the perils of busy season are catching up to me. I felt awful cramping last night, and got sick for a bit but than seemed fine so I went to sleep. It took an Ambien and 3 bendrhyl to put me asleep, I knew I was in trouble. I awoke this morning with stomach cramping, and sure enough I got massively sick for like 15 mins. Fun It's going to be a long ass day.

My husband last night made a comment about the "giant plate" of food I was eating. Keep in mind this was rice pasta, with some seasoning and spices with olive oil and turkey sausage. Ummmmmmm maybe so, but fuck I just tell you about my weight concerns, and you make a smart ass joke about my plate of food? Fuck you. I don't eat shit. If I was eating a loaded plate with ravioli and a side of garlic bread, than you can come talk to me. He doesn't get it. He eats whatever the fuck he wants and doesn't work out a muscle, and he is rail thin. He doesn't get it. I'm emotionally at my brink with work as I have been working these hours since January, and I want my life back. I am sick of eating lunches at my desk and looking forward to my one hour work-out much like a prision inmate looks forward to their day breaks. I am sick of being in front of the desk, I love my job but its wearing on me. Blah.

Got over life not being fair 4 surgeries ago...

Weight 140.5 FML!!!

Ok so I gained like 2-3lbs since I went to the gym on Friday. Awesome. Great. ALL THOUGH I did eat a hearty breakfast, Mac & Cheese, countless ric krispie treats and finally 6 slices of cheese pizza on Sunday for sloth day, and didn't move a muscle. However how many people do this on a daily basis and never gain a pound? However. SO NOT THE POINT... Life isn't what it is for everyone else. My life is different. I cant sit and dwell on why things are different or why I eat air and still gain weight, because well it's my body. A high maintenance diva bitch that is constanting changing and I have to constanting stay on top of. I don't get to splurge on things, or eat shitty food or not work out and stay skinny, my body is smart, and sometimes its smarter than me. It exhausted, and sick of working 12+ hour days, and I think it's revolting. I also know with the IUD in, and hormones, it's possible to gain weight. Everyone says I look the same. I am still a size 4. BUT STILL! All though my boobs and booty are totally growing.. In a good way. BUT I AM NOT HAPPY. 135 is my happy weight and I want some tone back.... If I have a sexy booy and boobs, with 10 extra pounds I am ok with that BUT I will be a tone booty ;-)

And so, why I kicked ass on the elicpitcal machine today. I thought. How can I solve this problem (instead of whining and saying why doesn't this change?!? So I stepped up my machine 2 notches, and I worked out harder. The fact is I don't feel good about myself at this weight. Period. End of story. Plus with busy season and resulting from my surgery in Sept, I have lost all my muscle tone. And so, I will bust my ass to get it back. I am cutting out cheese this week. I don't eat a lot, but maybe enough to make a difference. In addition, if I dont get home to late, I will ask hubbie to go on walk with me after dinner with our yellow lab ;-) 12+ hours sitting on my ass sure isnt helping, even with 1 hour workout. I am working out 6 days this week. Period. Next week I start working out during the day, and working abs/Jillian Michaels in the morning. I refuse to let my body take over. After 2 weeks, of Jillian and working out twice a day, if it doesn't maintain or drop some pounds, I will find a plan B. and if I have to, a plan C, D and F. I want my tone back and I will not stop at anything to get it....

NightShade Family

This is EXACTLY what I discovered all most 3 years ago. I can't even tell you how much this made a difference in my health, life and my happiness. Potatoes are a HUGE trigger for my auto-immune issues!

NightShades: Are they conbtributing to your illness?

Sloth Day 2.0

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow. 

I am not going to focus on my health today, but instead focus on my amazing Sunday. (which we all know slothness hurts me, so I am hitting the gym hard this week and not weighing myself till Friday!!!!)

Yesterday my hubbie and I had a sloth day. It was awesome. It starts on accident Saturday night. We went and ate dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and than came home to put the newly washed sheets on the bed. We both laid down on the bed for a sec just to catch up with each other, and see what's up. Ya, next thing we know, it's 12:30 at night, and we both said Welp let's go to bed. Than we awoke the next day, made some bomb breakfast and promptly went to lay on the couch sofa bed. We watched Predators, Indiana Jones, Breakfast CXlub (while eating breakfast) and also Due Date (not that funny) and I ended up falling sleep while watching Real Housewives of Orange County, and hubbie played his favorite video game <3 Hubbie made some rice krisipie treats to which we all most ate all of them and we ordered pizza. It was all and all a great day of cuddling, sleeping, loving and just enjoying ones company <3

Foods

Found this interesting article on food and being careful what you put into your body. Also some good advice from author Michael Pollen towards the end.
There is No Right or Wrong Food - Only Consequences

I don't really have time to write much today, going on a 66 hour work week, and I am going to be here probably for another 3+ hours, so the longer I type here, the longer I am at the office ;-) So we shall sum it up in a business summary.

Smoked today. Fail. I know. But tomorrow is another day.
Went to the gym and had a KILLER work out, and my abs are hurting from pilates. Totally going to make sure to add that to my workout every week. Got on scale, gained 2lbs. Awesome. Told my hubbie, he looked dumb founded. Ya I know, I don't look like it, but I have. Not happy. Not going to happen and needs to go away. HOW IDK!!! Fuck I eat air. Not going to let it get to me, as I am going to hit the gym hard and start working out 2+ times a day again here soon.

Body feels pretty good. Exhausted but expected. Bleeding has stopped for the month. Win. Love you IUD. My stomach doesn't feel very good, but honestly think I am just exhausted and I ate some Chinese foods.. Ymmmmmmmm sodium. LOL Bladder is mildly inflamed, but getting better.

Gotta run.

You are what you eat.

Awesome video by doctor on healthy eating and what food America eats is made up of.
If you dont have time, fast forward to 4:30 mins.

You are what you eat

Blarg.

     “Health is not a condition of matter, but of Mind.”

Welp today is Friday, and that means I have made it 5 days ( I am 99% sure I wont smoke today/tonight) and only had two smokes. Honestly I felt like such crap the day after, my mind is pretty easy to convince on NOT smoking. Plus GOD IT STINKS!!! Anyways, one day at a time.

Got my tattoo figured out with the artisit. He livesout of town, and by popular demand he is returning to my home town for the night in a few weeks, and I will be visiting him!!! WOOT! So excited. Nervous, but excited. Scheduled for middle of April. The horse's hoof will be covering one scar from Dr. Greedy.

Feeling pretty good this week. Exhausted but good. Didnt hit the gym yesterday as I was beat, and hubbie asked that I come home for the night and hang with him, so I did. The plan is yoga/pilates class today at lunch, which I am mildly scared of since this instructor kicks my ass at yoga!!! Found out Jillian Michaels released a new 30 day shred video for 2011!!! So super excited! This is what kicked my ass last year after the season, and also rocked my 6 pack abs. ;-) Saw commence next week.

My bladder is pretty inflammed this week. But I takle some PH balance drops which I have been out of this week, and it helps to reduce the acidity in my body, so it sort of makes sense. I tested my acidity this morning, and it was below 6.0, so it makes sense that my bladder hurts. Stopped spotting this week all most, and the IUD is still rocking for me. Eager to get through the season and into the summer so i can enjoy it. Husband and I were talking about camping last night, as I never wanted to go last year because my stomach was so fucked up, I never wanted to be away from a bathroom!!!! I am hoping for the best and remaining positive!!

OMFG sooooooooooo sleepy!

"The best way to stop smoking is to just stop - no ifs, ands or butts.”

The hours of hitting me like ton of bricks. I am soooooooooooo exhausted. I woke up this morning and feel like I have been asleep since I awoke at 5:15am. I am feel like a zombie. I can't believe it is all ready 8:00am. One MAJOR disadvantage to not being able to drink caffeine is on days like today where I feel like if I just put my head down on the keyboard, I would just fall asleep. The weather this morning is shit which I am sure doesn't help. Windy as shit, and also pouring down rain. Fun. It's so fucking gloomy outside it's unbelievable. I think I need like 2 days of sleep to catch up from the last 3 months of working. All though I realized by the end of the busy season, there goes a 1/4 of my year, so I had better make up the rest of the year!!!! (sooooooooooo fighting sleeping)

Went out with some clients who are also friends last night. I was good at 2 drinks (didn't smoke) and than they pulled my arm (basically talked smack to me) so I had another one. WHICH was over my agreed limit with myself of 2, and than I saw my buddy there and smoked a cig. I feel like shit this morning to I am thinking from that. I am so mad at myself, but I am not going to let this deter me. I will be strong and I will get through this. No one is perfect, and what matters is that I keep trying, instead o just saying fuck it.

Hitting the gym today again hard. I would do yoga, but honestly I think I would fall asleep. I need to jolt my ass awake. I weighed myself yesterday and I had gained 2lbs. Awesome. I eat air, and somehow I gain weight. FML. I am hoping it is all in my boobs which seem to be growing with the new IUD and I have been told my booty. Again, had no idea I had a booty! LOL

IUD is going amazing. I have a "period" around the same time every month, but its more a minor inconvenience than anything else. No heavy clotting or painful stomach problems. I have moments where my stomach feels like knots, but it gets better every day. I don't feel like I am losing 8 cups of blood a day, and it becomes less and less painful each month. I am hoping by month 6, life will be easy flowing. Of course the advantage to our sex life has been amazing, and once I stop working so damn much, I think we can get back to it. YEA YEA!!!! My bleeding and stomach issues have gone down by like over 60% and they seem to be getting better all the time. I am hoping it stays down this path. Also a good thing I got an IUD since I am so damn baby crazy right now LOL

Rocking it.

“A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs.”

Been to the gym the last 2 days, and have to say I feel better, little sore but mentally and physically I do feel better. I wanted to hit up chakru yoga yesterday, but work duties called and I had to get these project done for my boss. I did however stick to my promise I made to myself, and went to the gym late afternoon and went running & also rowing machine. I can;t believe how out of shape I am and also how easily I get winded. This could be from the smoking gone out of control the last few months, or me being out of shape. OR just both LOL I don't like feeling so out of shape. It isn't a vain thing (all though partially it might be) but I don't like the way i feel on the inside. Yes, I weigh well int he norm for my height and age, and everyone tells me all the time how skinny I look, but it doesn't matter. I felt completely untoned and out of shape which bothers the shit out of me. At the end of the day, THAT'S who is matter most to. So my goal is 6 days this week gym time (hopefully I can squeeze a yoga session in there) it's just hard with my crazy work schedule. Nonetheless I will hit the gym 6 days this week and see how I feel.

Contacted my tattoo guy about getting on my side rib cage. Working out the details with him. Sadly he moved to another town 3 hours away, so I have to work it ou via email with him, which isn't the easiest. But I want his skills, so I am willing to try and make this work. With any luck, I will get it the week my busy season ends. I tried to post the pic, but for some reason it isnt working. Going to try and get a price and time for it from him, and go from there.

Dr. Greedy Redwine is "offering free records review o patients for Endo month". It took everything I had to not post on facebook that ya he is, he needs money. BUT he did alleviate my endo when I was 19, and for that i am grateful, so i restrained myself. HOWEVER him offering a free record review is only a way for him to get his whopping $6,800 surgery fee. Sorry but it is. The man isn't really one to donate his time to charity or to have a bleeding heart.

I got invited to ride in a 25 mile endurance ride on a Polish Arab at the end of May. I have been thinking it over, and I really think this would be awesome. Horses have always been a part of me and my life, and the last 4+ years I had to supress that passion for my education and my license, and now I can actually spend my summer doing things that I love. Like riding my horses. I am eager and so excited to begin to explore the love of my life again. I miss my horses so much!!!!!

Welp back to work ;-)

Kicking my own ass!

The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they'll ease
Your will they'll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
~Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields, What the River Knows, 1990

Welp this weekend I realized how much of a slave I am AGAIN to smoking, and I am so sick of it. I am such an interlligent and smart women, and it baffles me how I got sucked back in the trap. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell my husband he was right LOL It's such a silly AND ADDICTIVE habit. I was watching Celebrity rehab last night with hubbie, and Dr. Drew was talking about surrendering to the addicition and realizing that you DON'T have control over it. The control that you have, is over saying no and making a life without it. I fimilarly believe that nictoine is JUST as hard of a drug to quit as heroine, excpet its socially acceptable (for the most part) and its sooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard and such a battle. I was chating with my friend who is 5 months smoke free (except 2 relaspes to which she had a serious hangover the next day) and I was giving her the "reason" why I let it slip back into my life. Her response "there is always a reason". My response was none, I didnt have one. And So I thought over the next few days.. and you know. She is right. God I hate all these people being right around me!!!! It's such a mind fuck and someone that has never smoked, will never understand. And someone that has smoked, will completely understand. And so nictoine I surrender to your power. I have none over you. So in turn, I will regain my power over you because utliatemly the mind fuck is under my control. I just need to find it again.

Went to the gym today, and honestly first time I have hit the elliptical and always strength training since well, I cant remember when.. HOW SAD IS THAT?!?!? I devoted all this time and energy to work and working 11+ hours a day for the season, I totally forgot about myself. Let me tell you, my body has been screaming for it lately. The little voices that tell my to smoke & "it's OK" are the same evil little voices which tell me that it's ok to not go to the gym, and work through lunch. NO IT ISN'T OK!!!!! So I hit the elliptical for 30ish minutes (sweated my ass off) and than while reading Men's Health Magazine (shout out!) I found this poster on killer bellys (which is totally my weak area since I have delt with bloating my whole life until recently, so when I work out, I LOVE to see that 6 pack abs prior to Dr. Greedy's surgery, so god dammit I am getting them back!!!!) and I rocked 9 out of the 10 exercises. See men magazines are 1) why cooler because they have real life shit in them 2) are about drama and gossip 3) quite frankly I think I am a dude LOL Anyways, so I rocked the abs workout, and let me tell you. HOLY WORKOUT!!! Seriously men's magazine for the win!!!

Weighed myself in at 136. Sure totally healthy and acceptable for 5'7" BUT I am out of shape and get winded easily. I have zero tone in my body, and THIS KILLS ME. I don't like the way I feel on the inside. I don't feel sexy and I don't feel like myself. And so, it's time to fund this again. I would like to weigh between 125-128 in the next 4-6 weeks & redefine my tone again, and god damnit I will. It has nothing to do with weight, and everything to do with confidence and HOW I FEEL on the inside.

Felt AMAZING to work out again, it in and of it's self is a drug. I thought about the runs I went on last summer, walking the butte, walking my dog, riding my horse through the field, jumping my horse, walking the butte with my dog and ALL THESE AMAZING things I love and addicted to. This the feeling I have been missing. This is what I love. THIS is what I should become re-addicted to!!!! I think I lost track of those things. Understandability but not acceptable. And SO, TODAY I BEGIN MY QUEST BACK TO ME!!!!!

There is always a reason....

Once the people begin to reason, all is lost 

Friend of mine said this last night about smoking, and you know what?!? She is totally right. There is always a reason to smoke or not to smoke, and I in total agreement with her. She was talking about how when she quit, it was like this HUGE weight off of her shoulders, and quite frankly I got a little jealous of that thought. To be free from smoking again would be AMAZING and something I am really gearing my brain up for. I am sick of it, and like a toxic relationship it has snuck back into my life. It has been the annoying little voice in my head, and I am sick of it. I hate it and I am so jealous of people who never took the plunge, and I want to rise above it. I think come Monday, I am going to post it everywhere, this is ALWAYS a reason, its a great mental strengthener and also something to always remember. My husband said he would help me out the next two weeks, so I can get back on track with my workouts and yoga. I am sick of being worried about smoking, and the anxiety behind. I am sick of the pattern.... It;s a pattern I want to break.

Headed to the Doctor today. I think I have developed an infection in either my sinuses, or my mouth or both. My both smells and tastes awful, and quite frankly it fucking hurts. My ear is still in pain from pulling the Q-Tip out, and I don't think that is right either. 2 years ago during tax season, I developed a massive case of thrush in my mouth, its one of the lovely reactions that my body has to stress. Fun. NOT! I was going to try and ride it out, but all week all I have been doing is eating soft foods (which for me isn't much choices) and drinking decaf coffee, tea and water. Anything else just hurts to damn bad. So we will see what doc says this morning, but infections are my bodies MO. Also being that I was recovering from that nasty cough flu I had, which turned in pneumonia, it doesn't really surprise me. Honestly though, my little body has been quite the trooper this tax season, I am hoping the next 5 weeks it can just hang on and ride our the duration.

Voices in my head...

I hate them. They are the ones who have been making me stuck in this hell of working, smoking and not working out.. I always can find an excuse or a reason, and quite frankly I am sick of it. Busy season is all most over (less than 6 weeks) and it's time for me to find my inner me back. I am going to talk myself up in the head, and get through the next few days. Than come Monday I AM GETTING ME BACK. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where my life isn't 100% work anymore, and god fucking dammit I getting back the girl I was a few months ago. I am going to spend the next few days thinking about my path, and how I want to put in this plan of action, and thankfully I have the support of my AMAZING hubbie. I need to hit the gym again, and help for the voice in my head of working out and being back on track comes back! Right now I am so freaking exhausted I just don't have the willpower voice right now. I will. I am going to. And I making a plan. I am a planner, I need a plan instead of just winging it. I got totally sick last night and spent an hour plus on the toilet. Could be the changing in the hormones (my body is shifting out of "period" mood) or I don't know. But the guilt I feel inside of me with me not working out and the nicotine can;t be healthy for me. SO I AM MAKING THIS WORK. I will make my body my bitch so suck it!

Can't help but laugh...

Went to my Auto-Immune doctor yesterday paranoid that my symptoms were being caused by my meds which have made my eyes function so well! I went into his office, and he was chatting with me, and went to check my ears and said "WOW! girlie you got a serious ear infection!". Which would explain the vertigo symptoms I was having. So he gave me some solution to help rinse out my ear, but the more he thought of it, he wanted me to go see my primary care doctor, to which they made the phone call and off I went. When I got to my primary care doctor, he checked out my ears, and said he could see all the wax and build up around my ear drum, and what appears to be some edge of a Q-tip. So they poured the solution into my ear and let it sit. All the while I am trying to not puke on any of my doctors! Doc went to pull out the ear wax out of my ear and out POPS THE WHOLE END OF A Q-TIP!!! No joke, for real, the whole end of a fucking Q-Tip. I couldn't help but laugh my fucking ass off. The doc said that this was one for the record books. I was just happy that it could be explained all my symptoms no matter how bizarre they were they could be explained!!!! Seriously still laughing g my ass off!!!

On a harder note. My husband was right, I started smoking again here and there, and sure enough, BAM I am smoking now on any occasion or excuse I have to smoke. I SO DON'T want to be here again. It is expensive, it stinks and is a disgusting and filthy habit. Plus like a bad boyfriend, it slowly starts to come back into your life and you cant get it out!!!! And here I am, back right in the same relationship we use to be in. I always thought I was stronger than this, but I don't think I am. I don't like thinking about when I am going to smoke or hiding it from my amazing hubbie. I threw away a pack I had bought, and I am hoping & going to try and fight with all my mite to NOT smoke. I hate it and I am so mad at myself I let it slowly creep back into my life. It increases my anxiety and it makes me feel all ancy. I HATE IT and I want it gone. I keep thinking over in my head what Steve Carr (I think that is his name) said about the little nicotine monster, and I need to remember that I DON'T NEED SMOKING IN MY LIFE!!!! Breathhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and I want to get this shit out of my system. I like my smokes, but I don't like it ruling my life again!!!!

What is wrong with me?

Came into work yesterday, and felt completely 100% out of it. I couldn't focus on any forms I was working on, I had no sense of balance and I was completely out of wack. So I tried to work till noon, and than I went home for lunch. I came back to work, and I immediately felt like I was going to barf. So I promptly went home and slept. Fucking slept from 1:00ish until I woke up this morning. While I am feeling mildly better, I am so not feeling myself. My only sense of clue is well I dont know. I am sort of fuzzy, and my mouth is majorly infected with mouth sores which are bleeding. I am dizzy and have nauseated and have little appetite and all I want to do is sleep. I don't know what is going on. I thought I felt better this morning, but after coming into work, it seems quite the chore, and now I am exhausted. I am not sure what is going on. I am so grumpy and cant crack a smile if I tried. Even in typing this, I am getting dizzy. I am not sure at what point I should call a doctor, as I don't know if its my chemo meds making me feel like this, or if I actually have a cold or something. Odd thing is I dont have like a head cold, no coughing  and no none of that. I am just really really really exhausted, dizzy and disorientated. I think if I still feel like this tomorrow, I might call my auto-immune doctor.